Boy, where do I start?
I've been divorced for over a year, separated for two. However, that relationship ending was a long time coming. The details aren't important, as that's not the relationship that still has me in a tailspin.
About a month after the separation from my ex-wife, I started to talk to a girl whom I'd known, professionally, for about 10 years. On and off. Sometimes months went by and I never spoke with her before the separation. So, after the separation, we started to hang out. We had the same sense of humor, same outlook on religion, politics, movies, etc. We hit it off. She was married at 20 years old to a guy who was, if I remember correctly, 14-16 years her senior. He had been married at least twice before her, maybe three. He had three kids, one who was only 4-5 years younger than her. That should've been red flag numero uno. There were several red flags, over the next year and a half, that I ignored, much to my regret. It would take forever to write down everything wrong in that relationship, but I now know that I did the right thing by breaking up with her two months ago. She did email me, about less than a month after, apologizing for her part in the breakup. But it was very basic. Just a general one. No specifics. She's the type that never thinks she's wrong, or at least would never admit to it. I made it crystal clear to her that we were done on 12/9 and I told her to never contact me again. Found out some things from one of her friends, and an ex-boyfriend of hers, that validated everything I'd speculated about. Trust issues I had. Fears. Haven't heard from her since and truly hope I don't.
What truly sucks, and what I truly can't wrap my bloody head around, is that I still think of her, everyday. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I'm the kind of person that, after awhile, I forgive and forget most anything. I don't hold grudges and don't hold onto negative emotions. I even dreamt of her, last night. I spent all of New Years Day going over the past year of our relationship, beating the frig out of myself about why I stayed for as long as I did, and why, WHY the hell I still thought about her. I guess what hurts the most is the why. Why did she treat me like crap, when I did more for her than anyone else ever did? Did things that her own sister admitted she'd never do for her and her sister adored me for it. Nurses thought I was her husband because they couldn't believe a boyfriend would do what I did. We even had a lady, while we were in a checkout line, tap my ex-girlfriend on the shoulder, with tears in her eyes, point to me and told her "That man really loves you. The way he looks at you...it's like there's no one else on this planet." And there wasn't.
I guess the biggest heartache is that, all these women fawning about how good of a boyfriend I was and all you hear is how a woman wants a "good man"...this one had one and she treated me like crap. Makes you feel VERY defeated. The ole "good guys finish last" saying. I know it's her problem, not mine, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Why I'm still sort of hung up on a woman who was bad for me in every sense...to the point that NONE of my friends, or family, liked her?!? I'm seriously starting to think there's something wrong with me. Or is this normal?
On another note, I met another girl, about a month ago, who contacted me through a website called meetup.com. It's not a dating site, just a site for meeting up with people who have common interests. Anyways, we've hung out four times now. Twice, just us, and twice with a friend of hers. The second time we hung out, we were alone, and I found out that her husband had recently (almost 3 months ago) passed away from cancer. On my birthday, of all days. So, I obviously have been very low key, almost never texting her first. Letting her be the one to ask to hang out. The last time we hung out, it was this past Saturday night. She brought her friend and her friends new fiance. We had a great time, lots of laughs, but some things were said that made me wonder. One of those things was that she asked if I'd ever consider getting married again. I told her I'd hope so. Another thing is she asked if I was into boating. Like motorboats on a lake. Told her I grew up on a lake, so hell yeah. But boating season is a long way off. She told me to keep boating season "open". As in we'll be doing a lot of it. She also made references to me meeting her other friends/neighbors. Like she'd say "I can't wait for you to meet so an so. You'll love them". Or she'd be talking about some other friends and she'd say "You'll understand what I mean when you meet them". Like it's already a foregone conclusion. She's also very touchy (gently grabbing my upper arm, placing her hand on mine for a second, holding my forearm, etc.) which might not mean anything except she's made it very clear she doesn't like to be touched by strangers. Like even in getting a professional massage. Final thing is what she said to me, that night. "I really enjoy your company", with what can best be described as a sweet smile. Then again, I was drinking, so I could be WAY OFF. I might be overthinking this and may be completely wrong, but I think she's interested in me. That's the vibe I'm getting, but honestly, I don't trust my judgment. See previous relationship for why. I don't trust that I know what a woman wants, what she's thinking, feeling, etc. So, with that said, I could use some advice.
1. Is she interested in me?
2. If so, I'm not sure how to go about this. Her husband passed almost three months ago. Even though it was some time coming, and they were only married 15 months, I still don't see her ready for any type of romantic relationship. Which is why I've been so...laid back with her. BUT, I am interested in her, so I'm also weary of being too laid back. Like to the point that she thinks I have no interest in her.
3. The only thing I'm really afraid of is this. When I'm with the widow, I don't even think of the ex. At all. The only conclusions I could come up with are that either I really am the type that, if I'm interested in you, I ONLY have eyes for you and everyone else doesn't matter. Or, that she's a distraction from my ex and that's what I'm interested in. However, I don't think so. I like who she is, how positive she is through this adversity (she even cheered ME up on New Years Day), how strong she seems to be and how her life, aside from being a widow, is pretty drama free.
Wow...just writing this all down has made me feel so much better. Thank you for listening and any advice on any/all topics above are welcomed and greatly appreciated.
