Erika0718

Chrissy, Hi my name is Erika and I am new to the discussion forum. When I read your post, I felt like you were taking the thoughts right out of my head. My ex boyfriend, Matt passed away a week ago and we were in a 7 year relationship that ended about 4 years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy because I keep thinking that he is going to call or that I can go see him where he bartended. I have to tell myself that he is gone and I can't change that. Oh how I wish that I could change that as I am sure that you do. As for his things (we lived together at one point so we accumulated a lot of things together) I cannot part or even think of parting with any of his things. If anything, I am searching for all of the pictures and things that we shared. We actually had cats together that I cannot have because of where I live which tears my heart out. I just want to be around everything that reminds me of him. Weird because Matt and I haven't been together in years and I wasn't in love with him anymore. However, I still want to hold on to every little thing... God bless, Erika

Adora, I am 28 years old-so we are pretty close in age. Thank you for your reply. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to understand what I am going through because the truth is, Matt and I haven't been together for years and both of us have moved on to new loves. However, Matt was my soul mate...not in an intimate way but in another special way. Matt was always the guy that would help me no matter what and he was always willing to listen to my problems and give me advice. I know in my heart that Matt loved me a lot and he loved me unconditionally which is why I behaved the way that I did at the bar. Honestly, the guilt is getting to me, but I know that if Matt would have lived, he would have acted like it was no big deal. Matt was very laid back like that. However, there are so many other components to the story...like how Matt always looked at me like he had something to tell me. He recently told my best friend that he will always love me and he was trying to get a hold of me to ask me to dinner (please remember that he had a girlfriend!). Oh my! That is another thing. I met his girlfriend at the funeral and she was beautiful and young and heartbroken. I hugged her and comforted her at the viewing and the funeral. I know that she doesn't like me very much but because of the situation she and I needed to be there for each other. There were a lot of pictures of her and Matt up at the funeral and they looked like a happy couple. But, I guess that he knew deep down that I was his soul mate, too. I wish he would have talked to me. I wish he would have told me how he felt about me. I wish that when I initially broke up with him that he would have tried to get me back, but he didn't. I also wish that in the 7 years that we were together that he would have asked me to marry him. I know that I will get better (this just happened Aug 20th) but I will never forget Matt and all of our memories. The feelings are just overwhelming now. Thanks again, Erika

Last week, I went to the bar with a friend and I saw my exboyfriend, Matt there. He was so drunk that it was noticable and I felt reminded of one of the main reasons why we broke up in the first place. However, I flattered him by listening to him mumble and ramble on about things that I couldn't even hear him say because the band was playing very loud. I was very uncomfortable talking to him to say the least. When we decided to leave, I tried to avoid seeing Matt and having another drunken conversation. However, when I was in the parking lot, walking to my car, I heard Matt call my name. I walked over to him and he asked my how I was doing for the 10th time and I said, "Why do you keep asking me that?" Then I proceeded to remind him how drunk he was (using a very snotty voice) and I told him that we should talk when he is sober because he isn't going to remember our conversation. I was pissed. I was mad because he is a 30 year old man, out in public, drunk as can be, and acting like a typical drunk (repeating himself, not listening to what I had to say, rambling, etc.) I was also very upset because Matt and I dated for 7 years, lived together, and I wanted to marry him but he continuously rejected me with his partying and drinking. Since then, 4 years have passed and he is still doing the same thing. That is until he passed the very next morning after I saw him at the bar. His brother called me and told me that Matt died in his sleep and that his girlfriend tried to give him CPR, but it was too late. Come to find out, his girlfriend (I've never met her previous to the funeral or heard her name mentioned by Matt) was working at the bar that I went to. The autopsy was to be determined by the medical examiner. Overall, I am feeling so guilty for being a snot to him at the bar. I never thought that Matt would pass away at such an early age. Of course, I am very sad because he died and the memories play through my mind over and over again. I also have numerous scenarios that play through my mind that "save" Matt from dying. I feel so overwhelmed and crazy. I miss him so much. I am feeling like I want him back as my boyfriend (even though it has been years) and all of these people, including his family are telling me that I was his true love and that he always loved me. Now, I feel like the man that I was supposed to marry is dead. The man that loved me the most is dead. What can I do to start feeling better? Everything seems to bring me to tears.