erfette

It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself, and I'm glad to hear it. I'm still working through my relationship with my partner, and though I am so grateful we are back together, our future is completely uncertain -- so I understand how hard it can feel. It is hard. But it's also such a good opportunity to do the work on my self that I need to do, because really there are never any guarantees about relationships. We want to plan and think of the future, and we can...but none of it is a guarantee no matter what. It's a big life lesson, learning how to be present in the moment and be comfortable with uncertainty. This site has been a really helpful outlet for me as well, and I hope that you continue to heal and grow and find the love you want in all areas of your life. And let us know how you're doing!

I wonder if the question you should explore with your therapist should not be whether you should stay with her or leave her (which all seems to be based on how you can leave first bc of your fears that she'll leave you) but rather why do you have such a high need for hourly reassurance from your girlfriend while she is suffering? Your expectations of her are not realistic. She's actually not shutting you out. She's told you she wants you in her life. She's not breaking up with you. She's just not solely focused on your ego right now. I seriously think you need to shift your expectations if you do actually love her. When she says she's busy, I hope you will listen to her. She is busy. When someone dies there is a lot to do, for months to come. And she's supporting her mom and other family members. It's a big deal and you don't seem to get that. I'm sorry but at this point your expectations are seeming pretty self-absorbed. Why do you expect her to be catering to your ego while she's suffering?

I'm sorry to be a little more harsh as well, but it seems after so many posts about the particulars of how many times she did or did not message you or didn't take your calls, etc, that you really are expecting a person in the early stages of immediate grief to prioritize your ego. You really don't want to come off as selfish here. Think about if you lost an important person. Would your priorities be related to keeping up with texts? Or Would you hope that your girlfriend would make your well being her priority? Would you hope that she'd understand the deep pain you would be experiencing and give you space to heal if you needed it? I don't know. It's just beginning to feel like you don't have a lot of empathy for her. You sound a little demanding when you expect her to attend to you right now. I only offer this as maybe a reality check. Your ego issues are yours, not hers. Even if she wasn't in crisis...you might have some work to do on yourself. And that's ok. We all do. Therapy is very helpful and I hope you'll consider it. She's not the issue here. I say all of this in a supportive way, because you seem to be on a loop going nowhere. And I'm saying this as someone who was dumped out of nowhere by my grieving partner. I hope you find peace within you, that isn't based on how much she calls or texts. She's in one of the most difficult experiences one can go through. It's not about you right now. I read a book called "grieving mindfully" to try to understand grief and loss, and it helped a lot. Good luck.

I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you can remember that she still may experience ups and downs, and may be less present at times. This is grief. So even though you feel better, I encourage you to still investigate the root of your insecurities and do the self work that will make you happier and a good partner. I think that's the only way to be successful in relationships anyway, even when there is no grief. "Normal" might change as she moves through her process. Best to you.

I hope that you can set aside some of your anxiety, which seems based in you (not her actions) and have compassion for her grief experience. I say this from experience - like Kay said, my own insecurities were fueling the anxiety, not my partners actions. Expecting her to be attending to your insecurities while she's in grief (plus the day to day responsibilities related to death of a parent, plus the sadness of seeing her mom in grief) is just not realistic or fair - to be blunt. I didn't talk to my partner for 2 whole months after she broke up with me in her grief. It was very hard, but I knew she needed space and I needed time to figure out what I was capable of. I really urge you to do your own self work right now. And to be kind and patient with her. She's suffering. When someone you love is suffering, how do you want to be? Maybe that's a question to consider.

Parent loss can be transformative grief for many people. Her world is upside down - not just her moms. I wonder if you can shift your feelings of expectation to feelings of love and compassion for what she's going through? Best to you.

Happy for you!

Hello. I posted about coming back together with my ex after a grief related breakup. We are still sorting out the future and are focused on things one day at a time due to her overwhelm. But I'm so happy we are trying. I have her a ton of space after she ended things (didn't talk for two months), and she said that really helped. That I respected her boundaries when things were hardest for her. I still have some anxiety because I don't know what the future holds (we'd been planning to have children and a whole life before her mom came in poor health). However I believe we can get through this, and my advice to you is to give her space, let her initiate. I understand that feeling of "if I don't contact her, she'll forget about me." But if that's the case (and I doubt it is), it's not sustainable anyway. That's what I tell myself now when I feel the same. And while you're giving her space, maybe it's a good time to cultivate loving yourself and filling your life with other things that bring you joy and completeness, which can help with anxiety. It sounds to me like she does love and care about you and right now is just depleted. If you are going to be through this with her, your expectations will have to change. She can't be funny and sarcastic while in deep grief. And she can only give what she can give. Right now she's in the heart of grief. Reading this site has been very helpful to me. I feel very positive about where my relationship is going even after being shut out for 2 months. But it has required patience, therapy, reading, meditating, etc. much of which you're doing! I feel for you. Best of luck.

I'm impressed that you know who you are and what you need and deserve in relationships. I don't think you are bad, but maybe you two simply aren't compatible. And there's no judgement there. When someone pushes us away, there's always the potential that we won't come back. And no one is wrong in that situation; it's just a fact. A potential outcome of pushing people away is losing people. I'm sure he's not making that logical decision, and yet you still get to be who you are and get your needs met in your relationships. For some it's less of a trigger being pushed away; for you it doesn't work. And that's totally reasonable. It sounds really hard and I empathize with both of you. And taking space for yourself so you can calm some of the reactivity and come at it clearheaded - very smart. But I don't think your response is incorrect at all. It just is. Maybe your better match is someone who pulls you closer when life gets hard. And that person exists, too. Best to you.

Wow. So beautifully said and brought a tear to my eye. I think you're right. And that's what love is. Thank you.

Thank you. I am totally willing to wait for now, knowing that there are no guarantees. She is actually able to laugh with me, and connect with me, and plan for us to see each other when she can. I think writing everything out and getting these great responses helped me realize that my anxiety about abandonment and the unknown has been a major player in all of this (and just healing from the previous sudden break up and two months of being shut out). When I sit back and look at how she let me back in to her life, and wants me in her life, it's actually going quite well. I mean she broke up with me, and 2 months later I flew out to her city to see her out of nowhere and she welcomed me in to her arms! That's huge! She is giving what she can, and I am grateful for that. I am going to keep working on myself, let what will be unfold, support her as I can, and trust myself to get my needs met how and when I need to. Thanks so much!

Kayc, I'm also sorry to hear about your loss with your mother. I hope you get as much support as you give on this site.

Thanks so much to you all. We are in a relationship in practice, but with no real commitments or labels because that part feels overwhelming to her. I'm happy to move to be with her, no matter what happens, but she's not willing or able to have that conversation right now because she's so stressed...so just moving there without discussing it would not be prudent. You're right I am in limbo. I love her so very much that for now I'm willing to wait, and trusting myself that I'll know if I reach a point where I can't do this limbo anymore. For now I can. I think I was looking for reassurance that it's not foolish to wait, and tips for supporting someone in a caregiver role who can't really support you back...all while you're in an undefined, yet also serious relationship. I am speaking with my therapist about all of this. I'm also looking for other perspectives. Thank you so very much!

Also to be clear, we aren't separated. We just live apart. We are romantically involved but it's just undefined. We aren't dating other people and it feels very much like a relationship but without a label. If that makes sense.

Thank you for your comments, SuiteAria. I will check out that book. I enjoy Louise Hay, so I'm sure it will be a good match. I agree with your thoughts, and am actually working on these deep rooted issues in therapy. You know, I had done so much work on this issue and have made so much growth. But you're right, grief pushes old stuff up and forces us too look at it. I think healing and growing is a forever path, with ups and downs and spirals. Intellectually I understand, and also have so much empathy for, why and how she has zero bandwidth. I just have this nagging fear (it's totally fear based) that she'll leave me again like she did before - which was so surprising and unexpected. Before that experience I felt so secure in the relationship. But then everything was suddenly upended. Having no idea how long this time period will last feels hard. But I know there are never any guarantees in life anyway. Our situation is very complicated; but my feelings for her aren't complicated. The logistics of our future are uncertain (which is totally ok), but I know I want her in my future. It's hard that she can't return that sentiment right now. But I also understand that she has enough to focus on in the here and now. I am also working on being in the moment - I know it's truly all we have. Again, thank you for your kindness.