Dew's Girl

Thanks all for the kind words and encouragement.  

Things are going well professionally.  I am so blessed to have a wonder job that provides me a place to go each day and feel productive.  I am still struggling when I am not at work.  I feel very isolated and alone in this big house.  Even when I am with friends and family, I still feel "apart" from everyone else.  

I started my new job on April 4th.  I've really felt energized by the new challenge.  It's helped to have something positive to focus on. 

Even so, last night I showered using Daniel's soap so that I could fall asleep smelling him.

I always feel that each of us should be able to set the tone in our own post.  I have a thread that I started for my grief journey and I wouldn't want someone coming in and hijacking it.  Likewise, I wouldn't want to go into someone else's and try to dictate a tone.

The cool thing about this forum is that it is so diverse.  If the thread I am reading isn't right for me in my current mood, I back out and find a different one to post on.

We are all raw about this subject regardless of the length of time since our loss.  I suspect I always will be. I've had my feelings hurt on this forum when I felt someone was trying to tell me how I should feel, but that was in my own post where I believe I should be the one to set the boundaries.  I'd like to think if I'd gone to that person's thread and the same conversation occurred I would have felt differently because I was going to them (ie their thread).  Even so, I try to give grace and know they were just trying to help.

Just my two cents.  Don't know if that makes any sense.

I find myself anticipating getting sales calls.  They invariably ask to speak to Daniel.  I get the chance to say, "This is his wife, can I help you?"  I miss saying that.  I love saying that I am his wife.  For one moment, it feels like life is normal again.

Really I know that no one is expected to cry every day and that is not a measure of how much love we had.

But I've found that my heart is illogical. It's not that I believe I should stay in tears forever, but rather that I find it hurts my heart not to do so.  It's scary for me to think about, as if I've accepted that he isn't coming back and given up hope of him walking back through the door.

 I'd have never made that comment anywhere but here. In my head I know its illogical to feel guilty or scared to admit that I accept that he is gone.  But that doesn't stop how I feel about it.  

I had just found this to be a safe place to be open about things that sound crazy to those who haven't been down this road. I don't really have anyone in my life that I can tell my fears and troubles to who will just commiserate without trying to "fix" it.  

I just realized that I went an entire week without crying.  Of course not a day goes by that I don't talk to him still and tell him how much I miss him, but no tears last week.

I'm feeling a little scared and guilty about that.

I miss being a part of something bigger.  Daniel and I were more than the sum of our parts.  Together we became better than either of us was apart.  I never scared or worried because I knew we could face any obstacle together.  

Annew, my thoughts are with you.  I too know what it is like to just stare at the door waiting for it to open and have him walk in from the other room.  This loneliness is engulfing.  I hope you find a measure of comfort in your friends and family.

George, I am sorry that you had a rough week and are feeling so isolated.  I find that the hardest part of this whole thing.  The person who we would normally turn to for help shouldering our burdens is the one who is missing.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope this week is a bit better.

Amy

Good luck Kevin.  

When I think about moving forward and what Daniel would want for me, this song comes to mind.  The line in the song is so true that says "the only reason my heart beats is because you showed it how". 

Like you, I was not up for a memorial service at all. I just wanted to hide in bed.  A friend gently reminded me that I was not the only one grieving for him and that others needed a chance to say goodbye.  I ended up giving in and holding something simple and now I am so glad I did.  It was almost unthinkable at the time, but looking back now it was a way for me to give one last love letter to him from the songs I chose to the words on the notice. It was good for me, but we all greive in our own way and in our own time.

Kathryn, I am so sorry for you loss. I know that you must be feeling like you were hit by a shockwave right now.  I remember feeling like I was living in a separate world from everyone else around me those first few months.  I couldn't understand how the sun kept rising and people kept going about their day as if the world hadn't just ended.  

 I am also 44.  I lost my husband very suddenly on Jan. 13, 2015 so I understand what you are going through.  Your story sounds so similar to my own.  

I am glad you found your way here.  This is a safe place where you can get things out of your head with the confidence that others will "get it." The people here have been indispensable to me in getting through my first year.  I hope you find the same.

I had big plans to start this new year off by doing something.  Trying to break out of this strangle-hold of grief.  My first step, go on a short 4 day trip to a place Daniel always wanted to show me.

I was scheduled to leave in the morning but as I started packing I felt so overwhelmed and upset that I gave up.  I cancelled the trip.

Sitting here now, feelings like a complete failure.  

Butch, 

My heart goes out to you.  It is so clear how strong your love is and that means your grief is all the harder for it.  I hope you are able to find some measure of peace in the wonderful memories you have and in the knowledge that you will be together again some day. 

Amy

I cannot believe that it has been a year today since I lost Daniel.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday that we were laughing together while in other times like I've been stuck in this purgatory of grief for 100 years.  

I'm going to try something new to break the cycle that I'm stuck in (what Mitch referred to as Grief Groundhog Day).  I am going to force myself to get out and do at least one thing per month that I know Daniel would have enjoyed as a test run for starting to live again.  My first attempt is to take a trip to Colorado this weekend.  I'll be going alone and I know that I am going to be so sad, but maybe if I do it enough, I can also start to find a way to live again too.  I am going with the "fake it til you make it" school of thought.  Maybe if I get out and start doing life then, eventually, I'll begin to live again.

I'm thinking of this as physical therapy for my soul.  As I posted on http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/  I feel like I've had my legs cut off at the knees and now I must start over.  It's like learning to walk again on artificial limbs.  I don't feel ready or prepared to stand yet, but I also know that it won't be any easier if I wait.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you all how instrumental you have been to helping me survive this year.  Below is an excerpt that I wanted to share with you from http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/

" While it is a fact that this has been the worst year of my life and I cannot put into words what I have lost (although Lord knows I've tried in these musings over the last 8 months) there were blessings as well.  It is during times such as these that we really understand what matters.  I know that I am so lucky to have people in my life that made it possible for me to live through my worst nightmare.

...

• The folks I've met through the www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com support group who are fighting to survive similar devastating losses but still take the time to comfort and encourage each other."

  I do believe that I would be crazy (more crazy?) by now without this place and the amazing people here.  Thank you.

So sorry to hear about those of you forced to deal with anxiety on top of grief.  I cannot imagine how strong you must be to be able to handle both.

I think the cohabitation idea is awesome!

I'd love to find one or two roommates someday. I've got this huge 4 bedroom house and its empty and lonely.  Of course I don't know how long I'll end up staying here.  I'll be 45 this year and plan on working about another 10 years before I retire.  Who knows where I'd go from there.

Why am I always surprised when grief plays tricks with me?  You'd like I'd learn to expect it by now.

I was all prepared for Thanksgiving and Christmas to be horrible but it was OK.  Not good by any means but I didn't break down.  I just felt numb.

Maybe it was going in to New Years eve with that false confidence that did it.  Daniel and I never made a big deal about NY eve.  We just enjoyed the day off and did our normal hobbies.  We stayed in and sometimes didn't even stay up until midnight.  So I felt like this would be any other day for me. 

All of my days are spent missing him and most still include tears.  But last night hit me so hard.  I have no idea why.  

I made a fire and heated up some leftovers and sat down to play a video game.  But I couldn't concentrate.  I turned on a movie and started to feel so miserable that I turned it off.  Finally, around 8:30 I knew that I just wanted to run and hide from this night.  I took a sleeping pill and found unconsciousness.

Maybe it was, as others have said, knowing that was the last night of the last year that Daniel saw.  He will never write a date with 2016 in it.  Maybe it was remembering that this time last year I had no idea that Daniel only had 12 days left.  Maybe it is knowing that in 2 weeks I'll have been his widow for a year.

Whenever I start to feel like I can live through this, another wave knocks me out.  Grief... two steps forward, a three steps back. Walking into hurricane winds.

One thing I did for myself was to create places in my new house that celebrates my life and love with Daniel.

I recently spoke with my boss about reducing my hours to three days per week.  I plan on using the extra time off to get healthier mentally and physically.  I'd like to join a gym, start tai chi, and travel.

14 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I WISH I could have dreams of Connor.....so far, not a one.  

I just made a blog post about this same thing.  I yearn to see Daniel once more even in a dream.

I made the decision to move closer to my family about 5 mo after Daniel died and never regretted it once.  I hope this move brings you some comfort.

I've been thinking that I'd like to do a bit of traveling and see new places next year, but the thought of going without Daniel is overwhelming.

I don't necessarily want to travel with friends and be the third wheel.  I looked for some widowed persons cruise or trip but couldn't find anything.  My thought was at least those who have lost a partner would understand if I get teary on vacation.

All I could find was singles cruises which in my mind is for a completely different purpose.  I'm not wanting to hook up with someone.

I just to have some understanding company and companionship while traveling.  Have you guys had any luck or have tips for this?  Or are interested in starting our own travel group?

Stef,  I am so sorry for your loss.  Like you, I am in my 40's and find it so hard to be a widow at this age.  I expected to have many more years with my love.  I know how difficult this time is and am so glad you have family there to help and that you have 11 years of wonderful memories of Jason.  I also know that 11 years is far to short and that it should have been more.

Making it through one year...  I find myself having these visions of Daniel walking through the door, hugging me, and saying how proud he is that I made it through this horrible year.  Then we'll get back to our life.  

I really expected to fall apart over the holidays, but strangely I found the days to be no worse than my every day.  In some ways, it was easier because I just felt numb to everything.