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I am thinking of you today Mitch. I am praying that you find some peace and comfort today. Brian

Today I ride the waves. Up and down repeatedly. Today is Denise's 45th birthday. I am sad to be separated from her but we are going to celebrate her life over dinner tonight. Denise lived to serve others and always put others first. She was the most generous and giving person I have ever known. I feel privileged to have been a part of her life. I feel blessed that she chose to share her life with me. Today I choose not to dwell on what I don't have but to remember all the good things she did. Denise was a gestational surrogate not once but twice. She provided two couples, strangers she had never met, the opportunity to become a family and have a child. I supported her decision to do this both times but it was her giving spirit that made it happen. I cannot imagine a greater gift one human being could give another. Today will have ups and downs. I choose to focus on the ups. Today is about the impact she had on this world and the people in it. She was not a genius nor a business tycoon. She was not famous nor a celebrity but she made a difference in the lives of the people she knew. No one will ever write the story of her life but the people who knew her will remember her as long as they live. I will pass those memories on to my grandchildren and great-grandchildren so that they know they are descended from a wonderful, caring individual. Today I choose to have a "good" day.

Mitch, I'm sorry I have no words of comfort for you. I just want you to know I hear you. I am currently going through the same feelings as you and your posts let me know that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you for having the strength to share. Brian

I am currently feeling confused and anxious. From reading other posts I know this is part of it but it has me worried about my ability to perform my job. I am questioning my decision making process and seem to have lost confidence in myself. I am a pharmacist and constantly worry that I have made a mistake that could harm someone or that I have failed to follow a procedure and could lose my job. Even small things like making sure the techs have prepared the supplies for the next day before leaving at night can cause me to feel panic. I keep forgetting things such as I can read an e-mail with a task on it but then I can't remember the specifics of how to go about it. I may find out I have completed the task but not in the exact manner it was intended to be done. I second guess even small decisions and then later worry that I have done something wrong. I am off work this week and still have this constant fear that won't go away. When someone asks how I am doing I say "I'm okay" or "I'm getting by" because I don't want to be a bother or cause problems for others but I can't convince myself that it's true. Should I find a grief counselor or speak to my supervisor to express my concerns?

I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses. Today was a tough one. I will keep going. I just tell myself "God has a plan. I don't need to understand it. I don't have to like this part of it. God has a plan that is bigger than me and this is a necessary part of it. He knows what He is doing and he has not forgotten me. God has a plan."

I know you'd say "Don't cry for me, I'm in Heaven with my King. We filled our life with love and joy, Now don't regret a thing." Our dreams have all been broken I'm left only memories. Tasks unfinished and words unspoken Can bring me to my knees. The measure of the love we shared Is reflected by my pain. I cry myself to sleep each night Until we meet again. These tears are mine and mine alone For I know just what I've lost. Though freely given, love has a price And with each tear I pay the cost.

My wife of 27 years died suddenly on February 19, 2015. We met in high school, dated for two years then got married, she was 17 and I was 19. We raised three boys, identical twins and a singleton. They are grown now and out of the house. We have two grandsons ages 7 and 2. We had so many plans for the future and then that morning she just did not wake up. I am no longer the person I was before that day. That version of me was happy, playful and hopeful. That version of me died with her. Now I just feel sorrow and anguish. Before, I was in control and focused. Now I am lost and aimless. Every day I put on my mask and pretend that I'm okay but I'm not. I don't sleep well, I force myself to stay awake as long as possible because I don't want to lie in bed without her. She was always there when I got in bed and now it is empty. I've grown to dread Thursdays, my regular day off, because she died on Thursday. I feel a constant hollow ache in my chest that never quite goes away. It lessens at times but it is always there. Everything feels pointless right now, like I'm just wasting time waiting until it's my time to die. My family is close by and they are very supportive. My father-in-law is a hospice chaplain, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law invite me to dinner and bring me leftovers. (My wife, Denise, did everything for me and was a wonderful cook. I can only make two meals.) I used to read, play computer games and watch movies but now nothing can hold my attention that long. My father-in-law asked how I was doing and I told him it feels like the shine is gone from everything. I don't even really want to ride my motorcycle much and Denise and I used go for rides as often as possible. I had always been in control of my emotions and now I have almost no control. Most of my thoughts and feelings seem so selfish and self-pitying and that makes me feel guilty. I feel sorrow for all the things she will not get to see and do, the things I won't be able to share with her, the things our grandchildren will miss because she is gone. i'm trying to figure out who I am now that she is gone. I've been told that this is all part of it, it's normal. I know that I will eventually work through it. I just needed to put it down where someone else can see it. Someone who has been there and knows exactly how I feel and understands. Sorry this has been so rambling and chaotic but that's how my thoughts are these days... they used to be so ordered. Thank you for letting me get this out. Brian