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About mittam99

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  • Birthday May 10

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    Reisterstown, MD

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  1. There seems to be an issue with the quote box. Hopefully you can see where the quote ends and my words start. The software won't let me edit it.
  2. I have to admit that beyond popping by here from time to time, my reading on grief these days is very limited. Yesterday I came across something that hit home... Prolonged Grief Disorder
  3. I think it varies from person to person and situation to situation. In my case, Tammy's loss was obviously the most devastating life changing event in my life. I stayed away from work for a couple months to try to "gather myself" as much as I could. Upon my arrival back to work, co-workers (who were aware of Tammy's passing) saw the devastation on my face, no doubt. They saw the sadness. They understood (to the degree they could). But, I work in a very public place and deal with hundreds of people per day. Those customers still saw me as the friendly, funny, kind person I always was. When they asked where I had been and I told them about Tammy, they were shocked. I've kind of learned over the years how to "put on the good act" with the public. Then, I get into my car after work and break down. Tears covering my face on the drive home. I don't think it's a universal thing that others perceive us as rude or that we all project negativity to others from our grief. Tom, those students are reacting to the pain you're feeling and projecting to some extent. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to the students briefly about your greiving without going into any uncomfortable personal details. Or, do what I do and "put on the happy face".
  4. Four years ago today, my beloved Tammy died. She wasn't just my perfect wife, she was my best friend. She wasn't just my lover, she was the only one in the world that accepted me, warts and all. Simply put, she was my everything. She was my world. Long time members here know she lived with Lupus for nearly half of her life. That she had numerous brushes with death and countless medical ordeals. But when she came home the evening of March 4th 2015, we both had high hopes. She just won another medical battle after a long time in the hospital and rehab center. Things looked promising. She had renewed hope that things would turn around. Two days later though, there I was sitting in the hospital waiting to hear news of my beloved Tammy who was rushed by ambulance once again. The news was the end of my world as I knew it. My beautiful Tammy, the love of my life, was gone. She was just 45 years old. Fast forward to today. Four years into my grief "journey". I still am lost and I'm not sure if I will ever really find my way again. My W2 form now shows me as "single" but I still feel married. To the point that, even today, I tell Tammy I love her as I walk out the door going to work. I don't know how to get beyond "functioning". How do I transform my existence into something truly meaningful? I simply may not be capable of that. I'm not happy with where I'm at but I'm still hopeful that in time, I will find my direction. A direction that will take me to a place with some contentment, comfort and some maybe a bit of happiness. Tammy... I love you forever and always, Mitch
  5. Mitch checking in as requested. I'm here, I'm sad and I'm still hurting. In four days it will be four years since that dreadful day I lost my Tammy.
  6. March 6, 2015 was the day my life changed forever. And not in a good way. My wife Tammy was the best thing that ever happened to me and I cherish every moment we spent together. The medical ordeals she went through on a daily basis and the life and death moments we shared were far too many. Lupus can be a very cruel disease. When you and I get a cold, for example, we get over it. For Tammy, that cold or a minor infection could turn into something much, much more life threatening. Her own immune system would attack her organs instead of healing them. She was on 20 daily medications that had many horrendous side effects. I'd go to work and I just prayed that when I came home Tammy would be OK. Our life together wasn't easy. She lost her job due to her illness and money was very, very tight. What got us through every day was our deep and total love for each other. She truly was my perfect wife and I always did my best to be her knight in shining armor. I miss her so much. How could it be nearly four years? One thousand four hundred and fifty seven days. "Living" without the love of your life is hard. How have I survived the loneliness, the heartache, the emptiness... and the feeling that the best part of my life is over? Honestly, I don't know. I do know I want to live and maybe that's all there is to it. It's not much of a life, though. I simply don't know how to find happiness without Tammy. Maybe I'm a slow learner and that time will come. Who really knows? My heart goes out to all who are suffering. This grief "journey" makes climbing to the top of Mt. Everest seem like an easy task. And "one day at a time" (mostly) adds up to another day that feels like life is passing us by. But, like you, I'm still trying to find my way. Mitch
  7. No one should ever feel ashamed for "still grieving". This loss means not just losing the love of our life, and the magnitude of that. It literally has put us into a completely different new place. A lonely, empty place where we feel surrounded by happy people in love. Feeling fenced in by a sense of angst and misery. This isn't grief that just magically goes away. It's here with us for the rest of our lives. We simply learn to live with it and adapt the best we can. There is absolutely no shame in that. My heart truly goes out to you, Ana.
  8. That's my wish for everyone as well. Very tough day today... it's our wedding anniversary. Tammy loved Christmas more than anyone I know and Christmas eve was her favorite day of the year. When I proposed, I suggested a small wedding back in her hometown on Christmas Eve. Our wedding took place at her parents house with a small group of family and friends. We read our vows right in front of the family's Christmas tree. This was also the time of year in 2014 that Tammy's health took a terrible turn for the worse. So, for so many reasons, the holiday season now takes on a completely different feeling, to say the least. The cold weather doesn't help either. Where is my Tammy to snuggle up with? Spring can't get here soon enough! I got a text message from Tammy's sister today mentioning how wonderful and loving our wedding was. And how happy the day was. My reply was simply that the day Tammy came into my life was the beginning of the best part of my life. Tammy was a joy to be with. I was blessed when she said "yes" and she showered me with unending love and understanding. As I'm sure most of you do, I talk to Tammy from time to time. Well ok, you probably talk to your beloved spouses and not Tammy, but you know what I mean. Today, I looked up to heaven and wanted to tell Tammy "Happy Anniversary" but I couldn't get the word "happy" out of my mouth. Instead, I told her I love her forever and always. Finally... Gwen, thank you for remembering about our anniversary. That really touched me so much.
  9. For a variety of reasons, this time of year has become the hardest for me. Not just because our anniversary was on Christmas Eve or all the celebratory holidays coming up that now have so little joy to them. Back in 2014, this was the time of year that Tammy's health took that turn for the worse. The weather that year and into 2015 was some of the worst we've ever had here. It's deeply depressing. There's a chill in the air and gloomy feelings abound for so many reasons. Let's hope all of us that live in cold weather States have mild winters. That would be a positive development, for sure.
  10. Gwen, unfortunately there's nothing I can say to truly give you any real comfort or solace. I'm so sorry these health issues are making things so much more difficult than they already are. And with it being the anniversary of Steve's birthday you probably feel like the poor critter in that whack-a-mole game. One hard hit after another. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's just plain hard. Just know that we all care about you and hope that there's some glimmer of joy in your near future. Mitch
  11. With the Holidays rapidly approaching, I feel that same sense of heightened dread I've felt since Tammy died. Christmas was a huge event for Tammy. I mean, she listened to Christmas music virtually 24/7 from Thanksgiving to New Years. 😀 December 24th was her favorite day of the year. Wrapping gifts and anticipating the goodies Santa would bring. These days, Christmas takes on a palpable level of gloom for me. After all, knowing how the 24th was Tammy's favorite day of the year, I suggested we get married on the Christmas Eve. Why not make her favorite day even more memorable, right? We had a small ceremony at Tammy's parents house in Illinois with a select group of family and friends in attendance. We were married by the local preacher in front of the family's Christmas tree... in the family living room... located in a very small farming town (population 200, including cats and dogs). A truly special moment in time for me and Tammy. Like every holiday that's occured since March 6, 2015, It won't be easy. Nothing is easy in this life without our beloved.
  12. Over the years since Tammy died, I've detailed many of those explainable things that I'm sure were Tammy. From my falling asleep at the wheel traveling to Tammy's funeral, hitting a barrier and both me and the car ending up unscathed. To the ceiling fan that turned on by itself. Or Tammy's combs on the vanity that sometimes move a bit on their own. And many other things that tell me that Tammy is still loving me and communicating with me. The other day something happened that was amazing. A couple days before, I noticed something odd on my desk. I keep my phone laying on top of my tablet and I kept noticing the phone had shifted positions. In other words, I'd stack it vertically at night and in the morning it would be horizontal. Similar to Tammy's "moving" combs. One morning I sat at my desk and literally saw the phone move slowly on it's own. Right there in front of me! There's no way that could be anything other than Tammy trying to get my attention. Of course it would be even better if she was able to talk to me! Some may try to explain this stuff away with a scientific reasons for all this happening. But, in my mind, it's Tammy's loving me still and letting me know she's there.
  13. I don't cry as often as I did and there's a part of me that feels "guilty" that I don't. But the tears still happen when I least expect it. The biggest outburts for me are those moments when something memorable happens and I wish Tammy was here to see or enjoy it. My life is so empty without my Tammy by my side. But like we all do, I try my best.
  14. Marita, none our brains are working as well as they once did. Apparently, the warranty is up on mine because it's definitely in need of major repairs. 😋 Btw, thanks for the chuckle you gave me when I read "bad math" as your edit reason.
  15. It's been a while... Marita my heart goes out to you and all of us who are struggling to find our way. I honestly don't really count the months or days or hours anymore (it's been nearly 44 months) since that life changing day I lost my Tammy. I knew Tammy had so many life threatening medical problems but I never thought she would die. And certainly not at 45 years old. When she died, so did life as I knew it. Replaced suddenly by a cold, dark, dismal place I didn't recognize. Nearly four years later, life is still hard, although I've adapted to ebb and flow of grief. It's still a one day and sometimes one moment at a time kind of life. A life where happiness comes in tiny increments. A chuckle here, a brief moment of success there and then it's back to the feeling of sadness, loneliness and emptiness. We're all here, but sometimes we want to be somewhere else. A place where our beloved is in our arms and we never want to let them go. It's so hard to have everything and suddenly nothing. To reach out and no one is there. All we can do is live our life with our beloved not only in our hearts but live as though they still walk beside us. Motivating us, telling us to move forward and to try to find those elusive moments of happiness. I wish you Marita, and everyone here a life that feels less painful, that feels more purposeful and that ultimately feels like a life truly worth living. Your friend, Mitch
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