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About mittam99

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  • Birthday May 10

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
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    Reisterstown, MD

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  1. To Gwen and everyone else... For me, one of the hardest aspects of grief is the growing number of physical aches, pains and ailments that seem to have overtaken my life. In my head, I'm still that strong 20 year old, but when I walk up the steps or look in the mirror, reality hits home. It's not just the growing old or the aches and pains or the formerly salt and pepper hair that's now that's almost entirely salt. It's that I'm growing old alone. And it's growing old in a way that just wasn't meant to be. Me and Tammy were supposed to grow old together. Laughing at life's newfound aches and pains all the while sharing our immense love. Supporting each other. Holding each other. An unbreakable team 'til the end of time. The emptiness and silence of life without Tammy seems to be more unbearable as I get older. I try to push and try to put a positive spin on things. Then the newest twinge of pain shows up (or something else manifests itself) hammering home the fact that my life isn't getting better. When you've lived your life with that one person that you "can't live without", you realize after they're gone that those three words aren't just cliche. We pretty much are existing and attempting to cope, but living? Not so much. If only we could turn back the hands of time. In lieu of that, all we can do is try our best to deal with the cards we were given. If only life had one of these... Unfortunately, nothing seems to come easy in this new world without our beloved. It feels like our best is in the rear view mirror and happiness is just a memory or something that only happens to others. Yet, having said all that and realistically seeing the glass is fairly empty, I still maintain some hope. There's still the possibility that this "existing" will turn into something more than just 24/7 of monotony and anguish. And I think that power exists with us. No one else is going to make our lives better or more meaningful. It's what we chose to do and our outlook that will hopefully transform our grief journey into something with purpose and even contentment. - Mitch
  2. For a few months now, my grief journey has been stuck in a place where everything seems awful. And I'm not talking about the angst and sadness of losing Tammy or the ache of missing her. Those are givens in our lives without our beloved. This is a new, deeply intense feeling that life is on the downward slide. A place where hope seems to have vanished and the future looks bleak and dismal. After Tammy died, it felt like life was futile and that I had little that was worth living for. But, in time, I started to push myself. I got back into a regular exercise routine, lost a bunch of weight and was generally feeling physically well. I saw hope on the horizon that maybe just maybe, with Tammy's love in my heart for always, I might just find some purpose in life. Fast forward to a few months ago. A customer of mine who was basically my age, suddenly passed away. And it hit me hard. I think a good portion of that was that it got me thinking about my own mortality. Combine that with my own 64th birthday a month later and what would have been Tammy's 50th this month. I sort of started to get into my own head that my life was over. And in recent months the physical aches and pains are snowballing. Maybe it's those years of playing sports catching up to me (bad knees, bad shoulder etc.) or maybe I'm just old. And I'm looking older. The hair is getting grayer and grayer. Anyway, all of this was getting to me. I stopped watching what I was eating. Started half-assing my exercising. Slacked off on the house chores. It was like I was giving up to an extent. But, here's the thing. I don't want to give up. And I know a lot of what I'm feeling is my own doing. In this terrible life of grief, you have to keep moving. It's way too easy to just stagnate. And my key is to move. Far too often, I come home from work, eat something and spend the rest of the day/night in bed. It's a very unhealthy (physically and emotionally) way to live. I'm determined to start eating better again and to exercise and to not just lay around in bed. I've just been in a very bad place and was letting my grief swallow me up. I'm not a quitter and I'm not letting grief or my own negative inner thoughts beat me. I'm getting that glimmer of hope back and I'm ready to get things back on track. - Mitch
  3. Great to hear you're doing better Kay. Now stop worrying us like that! Hugs.
  4. Gwen, looks like she last visited here a couple weeks ago.
  5. Today would have been Tammy's 50th birthday. It is still so staggeringly painful knowing that she only got 45 years on this earth. How she struggled for more than half her life with catastrophic illness(es). Tammy had a heart of gold and an infectious smile. Everyone that got to know her, loved her. I was blessed to be the one she chose as her husband. I was blessed to have her in my life for 15+ years. I will always love her and cherish her and honor her. She was my everything. My one and only, forever and always.
  6. I lost my darling wife Tammy on March 6, 2015. She had many health conditions but had just come home from a long hospital stay and was in good spirits. I thought things were looking up for us. Less than two days after coming back home, she was gone. Believe me, I understand. It feels like the world you live in is completely different than it was just a few short weeks ago. Losing your soul mate affects every single aspect of your life. I made a topic here shortly after Tammy died called "Dealing with those moments". Those moments where you don't know if you can go on, or honestly, even want to. https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/8716-dealing-with-those-moments/ Many of the responses from members truly helped me and I hope will help you. You're very early in what we call your "grief journey". The pain is unbearable at times, I know. The wouldas and couldas and shouldas play on your mind. You've gone from knowing your place in this world to wondering if you even belong. This is the most difficult thing you'll ever go through. So, how do we go on with life without that one person who was our everything? There's no simple answer and there is no right way or wrong way. You start by taking things a moment at a time. Then a few hours at a time and ultimately it's a one day at a time sort of existence. Don't think too far ahead. Early on in my grief, a member here told me something that really helped. He mentioned that even though Tammy was gone, she will always be a part of me. Heart and soul. In a way, having her love and essence inside me gave me some "oomph" to not just curl up in a ball and give up. Right now you need to try your best to do the basics. Eat properly. Get your rest. Post here at the forum whenever you feel the need. We do understand and want to help. Consider seeing a grief counselor. Wishing you only the best and I'm so sorry for your loss. Mitch
  7. I still get a lot of raised eyebrows from people curious as to why I haven't started dating even though it's been over four years since Tammy died. I'm often told "you should (date)" or "living alone without love is a mistake". Well-intentioned comments, no doubt, but there's one problem. I had the life I wanted with the person I loved like no other. Me and Tammy were an unbreakable team. It's may seem cliche, but we literally were made for one another. Our love was for the ages. My life now, alone, is basically awful. It's the loneliness, and the monotony of 24/7 of grinding my way through life. The smiles are few and far between and the love is gone. Yet, somehow, I do push myself to an extent. I wish I knew how to find some contentment and more positivity. The loss of my Tammy has me at "a loss" in terms of figuring out a way to not just survive but to thrive. Instead, I'm basically doing the dog paddle and treading water.
  8. Gwen, it is a catch-22 in so many ways. I mean, I think most (if not all of us) know we're no longer living life to it's fullest. How could we? Our lives have been decimated. We're without that one person that completed us. So here we are, with little motivation, consumed by our grief, getting older by the moment, and clueless as to how to "reboot" our lives. In many ways it feels like we're royally screwed. I wouldn't call that passive suicide, more like helpless and hopeless. Everyday, I write notes (I have to because my memory sucks now) regarding my plans for the day. And virtually every time, few if any of those get accomplished. Maybe it's laziness but it feels more like a lack of oomph, motivation and desire. I know these are things I should be doing but my mind tends to wander back in time to a different and better life. A life that actually had meaning. It still hurts so bad knowing that my precious Tammy only had 45 years of life. I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I just wish I had that magic formula to bring happiness back. Instead, it's a rinse, wash, repeat life of boredom with rare moments of satisfaction. But those moments are fleeting. How do we emerge from all this with a true sense of optimism for our future?
  9. They are OEM Honda alloys. I'm with you Kay. This 10th generation Civic is an amazing car. It's as roomy as the older Accords, handles and accelerates well, gets great gas mileage and holds it's value well. Fantastic car. My favorite feature: Brake Hold. After a long day of standing on my feet at work, how cool is it that I can stretch my (long) legs at a stoplight and not worry about pressing the brake pedal. I also think the light bar on the dash indicating whether you're driving economically is a sweet feature. IMHO, this Civic is the best car (for the money) on the market.
  10. Honestly that's a real key for survival and sanity. Nothing in life feels like it did before, and without something to look forward to, the misery level is astronomical. Even something as basic as the start of a new season of a show you enjoy can give a small spark of anticipation. Anything that breaks up the monotony is a plus. I especially look forward to the UPS guy delivering an Amazon box. 😀
  11. Cosmic Blue Metallic with grey leather interior. Here's a couple pics of the car when I first got it. I've since added some appearance and performance modifications and this car is very quick now. Car modding and detailing has always been "my thing".
  12. Thank you Johnny. What I've learned since my Tammy died is that every day is a true challenge. Nothing is the same. Everything has changed. The anniversaries, holidays and birthdays are even tougher because what once was something special, now blends into the other 364 days of emptiness, yearning and sadness. That's our grief in a nutshell.
  13. I've got a '17 EX-L with the turbo. But, I'm pretty much a Civic guru. That 2.0 engine in your car is super reliable and plenty peppy. I'm sort of the Kay of the CivicX.com forum (top poster). 😎
  14. Kay glad you're on the mend and congrats on the new Civic. Great choice. With only 8,000+ miles on the clock you literally are still breaking that motor in. Amazing find. That Aegean Blue is a really sharp color too. If you have any questions regarding the car let me know.
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