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bangkok35

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Everything posted by bangkok35

  1. Well it's been a week or so and thought I'd check in. I'm doing relatively well and have settled back into my regular life again. It's been great seeing all my friends and apologizing to them for being a bit distant wifh them the last few months. I received a call from the ex a couple of days ago and decided to meet her. The meeting was very nice and cordial but she asked me to please take her back, and I could see the grief pouring from her body, but I gently told her the best thing for me is to let her work out her problems on her own. She's still coping with TONS of issues with her mom, and i pray for her but wont put myself back into that situation. I hope whoever reads this can learn from what i went through. I was in an awful black hole but through my faith, friends, this site and perseverance, I saw that I have to come first and put my needs before any other person. I feel a bit selfish writing this, but if im not happy, no onr around me will be happy with or for me. Anyways I'm at work and had a little down time so wanted to update everyone.
  2. Need to vent! Today was an awful day. I cant seem to turn a page or a corner without thinking where i went wrong or what i did, and why didn't i get some type of response. How can people like this exist? Im a darn good looking guy and consider myself a good guy but then life throws this at me. Just not fair.
  3. Meh hurts my ego i wasnt able to get a true answer from her, but I'm smart enough to know when to kick someone to the curb. I spent my day yesterday wallowing in my misery and today is a new day of new beginnings.
  4. Though id update you guys. Well today I left her and have cut off all communication. I found out that during a family vacation just yesterday she slept with a guy at the hotel she was staying in. After texting her that we were through all I got was an ok. I alwayz knee she was a bit selfish and i tried to look past that, but she's just not the person i want to invest any time or energy on any longer. Believe it or not im extremely relieved that this happened bc my life can get back to normal and i can focus on being happy once again. I want to thank everyone for their advice and input and hope we all learn to achieve happiness when something like this happens. Life is full of lessons and this was a hard one but glad I went through it. The only thing i fear now is i will go back to my "playboy" ways but will try and stay away from bars and clubs for awhile so i dont backlash.
  5. Yes i went to the psychiatrist last week and got some meds. Im doing better but ever so often I get these mini panic attacks and this is my outlet so i come and vent it on here and then u guys give me the advice and say what i need to hear (read). Compared to a couple of weeks ago my anxiety level has considerably lowered and my worrying is getting better. I actually did hear from her today and kept our dialogue very short and i made sure to be considerate and comforting. Im learning as i go and trying not to be so self-absorbed about my worries and more about her grief.
  6. Ive taken everything you guys have said and have shifted my thoughts to what is it that i can do to make myself happy while she works out her life. Its now been a couple of daya with no communication and im ok with that. I spent time with a nun last night that I'm quite close to and she told me I'm making myself sick over nothing. Some other pieces of advice must have struck a chord within me bc i woke up today happy and not anxious. I listened to music while getting ready for work and for the first time in days actually started dancing and smiling, it feels good. Well hopefully ill continue to feel better and dig myself out of this dungeon i have put myself in.
  7. I completely understand all of you, and wpuld think thr same if i didnt get msgs from her telling me she likes speaking to me and my texts give her comfort and to please not abandon her blah blah. But then she goes ice cold on me and then sends me ridiculous msgs telling me, "busy, what's up?" Anyways yes im getting help with my counselor and a part of what she's saying is to just run away from this and then the other part is saying tough it out buddy. I understand grief all too well and try to understand her but without getting any feedback it's quite difficult. I havent reached out today and it actually feels good bc im not staring at my phone waiting for a msg. I know im inflicting all this crud on myself and acting as a masochist, but my common sense is getting stronger and letting me know that even if she does decide to leave, my life wont end. Thanks for the harsh words and a good kick in the a$$ guys it brought a smile to my face and some comfort in knowing that u guys write all this for my own sake. Hugs to everyone.
  8. Well 48 hours later and pure silence once again. I went to work and hung out with friends but always in thr back of my head is why no communication? I tried calling a couple of times and have messaged but she rejects my calls and wont even read my messages. Writing this down as a way of venting bc i have no other outlet since my friends always expect me to be the happy cheery life of the party. I freaking hate this and I'm sure tonight is gonna be a long sleepless night. I just wish she'd say something, anything. She was so sweet on Friday and now cold as ice. The worse of it all is being ignored.
  9. Yeah the anxiety is still here of course. The weekend has almost passed and she has been very silent but she keeps telling me to call later and when i do she rejects my calls. I just told her ill try again later and she said, "ok we will talk later this evening then" with me as long as I get a little msg here and there I'm ok, but im trying to be ok if i dont get message. I have a fear of abandonement and im scared she'll just simply forget me (all in my head i know, but it is something im working on. Today ill go over to a friend's house n hang out for a bit then get home and prepare myself for the upcoming week.
  10. Im way calmer although i have my teensy anxiety but i think it's normal anxiety at this point. Like i previously posted, the not knowing was what was driving me insane. She opened up last night and told me her feelingd about many things which makes it easier to cope with her durikg this time. I was proud that she considers me her rock and was very thankful i hadnt decided to run away. My expectations for her have lowered and i can only wait for time to pass by and see what happens. Having her hold my hand and hug me and kiss me the way she did yesterdat only reinforced that she does care. I was expecting the complete opposite. She is a very reserved person to begin with and this has just made her pull back even more, but im glad she is dealing with her loss in a positive way and keeping herself along with her mom busy on a daily basis.
  11. Ok so we just met. She opened up about her feelings and seemed very normal. We spent a few hours together just sitting and talking, not about the death or anything. The discussion of "us" came up and she told me she doesn't want me out of her life at all, to please just stay the strong one (i put up a good front). Although she asked me for her stuff she didnt take it and told me to hold on to it. You all are right. My anxiety is caused on my own, but now that i have information to go on i think we will make it through this. I will keep you all updated, but i must say today was a very good day. I know what to expect and not to expect and not to take her actions personally. God bless you all.
  12. She called me today and we are going to meet up for a little bit. Not sure what to do or say and I'm extremely nervous. I'll probably stay very quiet and see what happens but she did ask me to bring a couple of her things with me that she'd like back. I have the end is here and I'm kinda ok with it bc at least it's an end. Pray for me guys that i don't act out and become mean, my way of dealing with being hurt. I hope this isnt the case but once someone asks for their personal belongings it's usually a way of getting closure.
  13. Kay it sounds like the outcome may have been what is best for you, although i can imagine it's not what you wanted. Today marked 3 weeks that her father passed so i sent a simple message this morning telling her i was thinking of her and had her and the family in my prayers. Against my common sense i sent her a msg that i missed her and missed seeing her and about an hour later the phone rang, it was her. We chatted for just a few minutes on video chat but it was great seeing her. She even sent me a "kiss" msg which i hadnt received in awhile. Our conversations are weird but I'll take what i can get bc i know her life right now isnt full of a lot of activities. Anyways im feeling better and throughout the day my anxiety and worrying has lessened substantially. Im learning day n and day out how this all works and coping as best as i know how. I hope to see her soon so i can just be by her side for a bit, but that may not be in the near future, time will only tell.
  14. Yes Erfette today was a very different day. I didnt message and didn't think too much and she messaged that she was taking care of financials and the estate will was being executed. I told her thank you for messaging me and that my thoughts were with her. Tomorrow is a very hard day bc it marks 3 weeks so ill send a simple msg in the morning and tell her that im praying for her n her family. I feel like she's hot n cold on an hourly basis but I'm here and will continue to support her however I can while at the same time trying to keep myself sane. The only thing bothering me now is why i no longer get little msgs in the morning j at night like i did a few days ago but it is what it is. I cant expect anything from her although it would be nice. Of.course my insecurities are trying to wear me out by thinking there may be a new guy but that is probably my jealousy coming through and trying to blame the change of her pattern on something other than her grief. I almost sent her a msg today asking why the sudden change and why she cant at least msg me a simple morning or gnite but i wrote it and deleted it and then just kept on going with whatever I was doing. Everytime I speak to her she sounds so normal but then when not on the phonr she's very cold and dispondent. Bipolar much? Jk i know it's all the process and ill stand on the side line as long as i have to or can. Thank God for xanax!!!
  15. I think I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, but deep inside i know myself and as of right now if and when i do see her I will have built up a wall to protect myself. My friends crack up at me because Im not the "best" guy when it comes to relationships and they find it comical and tell me I'm getting a taste of my own medicine (i can sincerely say ive never ignored anyone and have always come to a closure with any girl i have had any type of relationship with). Tomorrow i have a therapy session and will spill my guts out and see what my therapist says. Kay i read ur thread about Jim and im so sorry you went through all that but from the bottom of my heart im so happy you have stayed strong and are able to be an angel for so many people in this forum. We don't know each other but u have become a sort of beacon of light at the end of this tunnel. At the end we all survive amd keep chugging on mo matter what life throws at us. Thank you.
  16. So she called me today to simply ask me if she had bought a certain dress bc she was buying another one and didnt want to buy another one. She sounded fine but a bit racy in her speech, as if she was trying to speak as fast as possible in a single breath. We then chatted a bit and i asked her if she needed space and if my msgs from beforenn she said "of course not just busy with mom" i left it at that and told her it was good talking to her. She then said she missed me and hung up. I feel great today and for some reason have let go of everything. Ive said the serenity prayer and it's helpijg bc at the end of the day no matter how much i worry it wont fix anything. I'll keep everyone updated and although i don't think this relationship will last i can only hope that pur friendship will persevere.
  17. Thank you all for your words and advice. As of right now i haven't made contact and she hasn't made contact either, but that's ok. I have spoken to our group of friends (we have the same group) and she hasn't made contact with anyone other than me. I think what we are dealing with here is her mom's grief more than hers. It's very hard to stand aside and have her deal with her mom's emotional distress while she ignores her own, but I'm waving the white flag and will let her work out her grief and that of her mother's as best as she can. I will be here if and when she needs me, but I won't push anymore. I've read all the articles, thanks Marty, and know what role I have to play. I have made plans to hang out with friends tomorrow night and hopefully can experience some happiness. My anxiety is way lower today thank God. Ive been praying and asking God to please help me be strong so that I can get through this ambiguous time. Ive also started a journal, helps to just write down what I'm feeling. I think the hardest part of our role is the not knowing and not taking anything personal. Having read so many posts and articles I know it's not anything i did, but deep inside I cant help but question the "what ifs". Well I'm off to work but I'll keep you all updated.
  18. Thank you Kay for the quick response. Should i send her a text msg stating that?
  19. Please advise! Our text messages the 5 days have been mostly her telling me she's with her mom. Basically other than a dew phone calls, this is all I get from her. Should i be happy i at least get that? Is it possible for someone to ALWAYS be around their mother? Am i being played for a freaking fool and wasting my time and energy? Im so mentally tired im ready to just shut my eyes and sleep for months till this pain goes away. Today I had to pinch myself bc im so emotionally withdrawn from the rest of the world. Wtf is happening to me? How can someone call me babe ALL the time but not have the decency to find 1 minute to call? I dont think she's in as much grief as her mom so i don't even know what to think at this point. Please help someone. Im drowning here.
  20. So today i received a cpl of messages and i thought she would call bc she's going to work and most times we have spoken have been while she's driving, but nothing. I don't know if im being friend zoned or not but as for now I'm going to grip through the silence and see if she contacts me.
  21. Yes I'm in Thailand. Thank you for your compliment about my English, but Im American haha.
  22. Yeah im on my way home now (it's night time over here). My friends spoke some sense into me and slapped me around a bit tonight. I think with the non grieving person letting go of all control and just lettint things be is the hardest part. Although i have not heard from her I can only imagine she's with her mom n brothers sorting through all her father's articles. I remember when i lost my grandfather my mom didnt have the energy to go throufh anything and grandma was numb so at 15 i was left to do all thr bagging and sorting. I can't remember what I felt bc i was also numb, but what I do remember is waking up the next day and noticing most of my grandfather's clothes and jewelry just ended up in my closet, i even kept his socks bc he only wore one brand n color. This site is such a God send to everyone dealing with loss. I think I've read more than 100 threads st this point and all of our sufferings and losses are so parellel. Im going to try and meditate aome before sleeping and hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
  23. Well ive tried to msg a 2 times and call twice and usually Ill get a reply or at least my call is rejected but nothing at all. I cant handle these ups and downs, im not sure what they mean. A few hours ago we had a great conversation and now im left in the dark. Is she bipolar? How can someone be so sweet one second and then so cold the next? How do i stop worrying? Im at a friend's house now and they're worried because the anxiety is physically seen. I wish I could get in a hole and disappear. How did you all handle this feeling? Ive tried walking around, breathing, meditating but all I can do is sit here and worry.
  24. Thanks Kay. She actually called me out of the blue and we had a normal conversation which was very nice. Her old self came through which just solidifies the fact that i know she's still there but dealing with stuff. We ended the conversation by saying qe will talk later. I will just msg her later and see if she can chat. Today is a better day, but i feel as if my anxiety is permanent at this point. Even if im at ease with how today is going my anxiety levels are quite high. I try not to take anti anxiety pills during the day bc they make me kinda blah and my job entails me to be super alert at all times.
  25. Thank you Erfette for your kind words. I'm glad to see that you guys have been able to come back together which gives me a little hope. Last night she messaged me that she was at dinner with her family and her mom was able to get out of the house. I messaged her gnite and good morning but no answer yet. Im going to try and contact her as little as possible today and try and spend some time with my friends. Although my mind will be preoccupied with thinkng od her, i will have my friends snapping me back into reality every so often. Let's see what happens today. Im sure she'll be quite busy with her mom n brothers. Motto of the day: No Expectations.
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