JeffNH

Friends - wishing you all every happiness for the new year, my apologies for being absent all this time. The last few months have been a challenge to say the least. I got all of the firsts over with during the ending part of the year. First wedding anniversary without Sue (it would have been 31 years). Sue's birthday (she would have been 52), My first Christmas without Sue and of course the first New Year without Sue. I still marvel at being able to get through all of this in just 3 short months without having to visit a rubber room. I had no luck finding a grief counselor. But I have managed to find a really good support group locally. Although the pain hasn't subsided I feel that I can at least acknowledge that it's there and deal with it on a daily basis. Today it is 6 months since I last saw Sue alive. I don't know that it actually get's 'better' with time perhaps it just gets different.

Butch there's really not much more I can add to the beautiful words and sentiments that have been written here. My heart goes out to you and your family at your loss. Take care. Jeff

Hi Everyone - Many thanks again for all of the kind words. Thought I'd share my experiences of yesterday with the grief counselor. I went into the meeting not knowing what to expect or even what I wanted to achieve from going to see a grief counselor. Perhaps I still don't know now after the first session. I was shocked or maybe surprised that he was more phased by what had happened to me than other people that knew Sue were. Not in an empathetic way but almost not knowing what to say. Not sure why that would be the case. I know that I relate more to women than I do men. Mainly because I was bought up almost extensively by my Mum .... Dad was pretty absent almost my entire life. Perhaps I need to ask for a lady counselor. Not sure. Simply just talking with a stranger who had no emotional ties certainly helped to an extent. Went over the 'normal' stages of grieving and tried to identify which of these applied to me. Talked a bit about spirituality and core beliefs. But alot of it was a blur ... as is most everything since I lost Sue. I did find out a few things perhaps about myself. But finding out about them first I suppose is the first part about being able to either accept or do something about them. I know that to a large extent that I am going to be treading water either on a permanent basis or at least for the foreseeable future. That's not a giving up statement simply an acceptance of something I already instinctively knew. I'm alright being on my own until it's time to leave. I know that my priority in this life is to ensure that my daughter Becky is taken care of and has a happy and productive life. Beyond that is part of the great unknown. I decided to continue with the counselor at the moment. But I am going to ask if perhaps we can also include sessions with a lady counselor as well. Jeff

Kevin - so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my Sue just over a month ago and it's hard. Sometimes one feels that it's too hard to cope with. But one of the solaces I've found has been in going through Sue's things. This started first when her Mum and Sister came over from the UK just after Sue passed. The one thing that Sue's Mum said was that she wouldn't want me to hold on to all of her clothes. So we first went through her wardrobe sorting out clothes to keep (Sue's wedding dress, special T-shirts etc), Clothes that were going to Sue's Mum and Sister. We also sorted clothes out for my daughter Becky. Anything that was left over was donated to a local charity. This is what Sue would have wanted. Having Sue's family members with me to make the shared decision on things really helped me alot. But I think this is echoed by everyone ... letting go of even the most mundane things is hard - what was once just a make-up pad now carries immense value. I'm sure that Sue is asking why I'm holding on to some of these things. I'm sure it's going to take a while for you to get through it all. I know that I still have a bathroom full of Sue's make-up and there are still the shoes ... Sue loved shoes. I don't know if anyone else has the same feelings. For me it has been bittersweet ... I've found all of the love letters we wrote to each other over the years. Every single birthday, Valentine and anniversary card going back to when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend and just silly things like shopping lists or notes we used to leave each other - priceless things. We are each on a journey of grief and loss but we don't need to take that journey alone. Take care Jeff

Butch - there's not much in the way of wisdom I can add. But I'll echo what many have already said. You and your family have my thoughts and prayers. I have been through exactly the same thing you are experiencing with my Daughter Becky. She was born at 32 weeks some 22 years ago. We nearly lost her more than a few times in those first few weeks. The NICU can be a daunting place for both parents and grandparents. Just reading your thoughts is proof positive that your Mary must have been an amazing lady. Jeff

Thank you friends. Today is exactly a month since Sue left. Yesterday was not a good day at all. But it made me realize that I need to engage with a grief counselor. Sue and I have joint guardianship of our daughter. Yesterday I received papers from the court addressed to Sue asking her to fill out the form to terminate the guardianship. I'd previously gone to the court building with a copy of Sue's death certificate to let them know that I was now going to be sole guardian. I guess I kind of lost it a bit because I drove up to the court house and asked to see the office manager. Needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods. The office manager said that it had been a clerical error and normally when they get death certificates the standard procedure is to send out a notice to terminate the guardianship. And apologized. Normally I don't get angry but yesterday everything just welled up inside. But instead of carrying on I simply accepted the apology and asked that they please not send any more letters to Sue as she wouldn't be able to answer them. It did make me realize though that I need to get help with this. So today I'm going to try and find a local counselor.

Thank you both so much for the supportive comments. I've been trying everything to at least make some sense of it all. Sometimes I think I'm going mad. I've had people tell me that I have to be strong for the kids and that life goes on. And I know that what people say about it is probably true. I even had one of my friends say that I need to put the past behind me and find another love. But I just can't. Sue was my one and only forever love. Does having a grief counselor help? Did you find the first counselor was the right one? How do they help? I've started writing to Sue every day. Maybe it's just for my own sanity or lack of it but I do so hope that she can see the words I write to her. I've experienced the loss of loved ones in the past when my mother died, Sue's Dad died and I lost my grandmother ... but this experience seems far far worse. Heartache and misery doesn't even begin to describe it.

It's been nearly a month since I lost my wife Sue to a sudden heart attack. I am lost without her. We were the couple that still held hands after 30+ years of marriage even when we were just going to the shops. Each and every day I told her that I loved her. Even when we did argue there was always a moment when we stopped and realized how silly it was to be doing it. I'm not saying that we didn't have our bad times. We did. But we always ended up finding each other again. And I felt that each time we lost each other to re-find ourselves our love grew stronger. I spent my entire adult life from the age of 17 looking after Sue and making sure she was safe. Is it natural to have regrets about the past? So many things that I've said and done I would want to undo. The day she died we started the morning sitting on our deck having coffee and talking about what we were going to do that day. Sue wanted to take our daughter Becky to a horse riding place to buy her new boots and pants. For some reason that I'll never understand I chose to stay at home that day. Just before she left to go she was having a problem with the GPS and called for me to come help. I must have said something because she said it wasn't very nice of me. But I wasn't saying it to her. I was saying it to the silly GPS which had lost her route. Thankfully I remember kissing her and telling her that I loved her. And then they drove off for the day. To this day I regret not going with them. I should have just left the tidying up and gone. When they got back to the house Sue said that she wasn't feeling very well. So I had her sit down and made her some lunch. I was pretty irritated because Sue had gone out without having any lunch and it was now around 2:30. Sue was a diabetic. Sometimes I got irritated or cross because I could see that she wasn't taking care of her health like she should. I made her a sandwich and sat her down on the Sofa. She got up a couple of times and felt dizzy. I should have known something else was wrong. When it happened I thought she was having a seizure. When she was younger Sue suffered from epilepsy. So I went to sit with her on the sofa and made sure that she had nothing in her mouth. When she started to breath strangely I knew something else wasn't right. I called 9/11 and the lady on the other end talked me through doing CPR while we waited for the paramedics to come. My Daughter Becky who is special needs came into the room and saw me doing CPR on Sue. I told her that Mum was going to be OK but she needed to go and wait out on the deck. I'll never really know when exactly I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, perhaps I'll never really know. The paramedics came and managed to get Sues heart started again. They transferred Sue to the local hospital. At that point I still had hope that everything would be OK and that she'd be back home again soon. The rest of that day became a blur. I remember the doctors saying that they had managed to get a stint in one of the main arteries but that Sue's heart had stopped multiple times. I remember that the doctor said she was stabilized and that they were going to do a brain scan later that morning and that we should go home and sleep. I remember that we drove home. Then I remember the call from the doctor saying that we needed to come back in. I remember some friends being there with us. I remember the doctor telling us that there was no hope ... did I really believe that? Why did I? Why didn't I fight more? I can see myself accepting what they said. The doctor told us that due to the lack of oxygen Sue had suffered an anoxic brain injury and her brain was now swelling. I went back into Sue's room with my daughter and son Brad to sit with her to the end. The nurse on duty said that we could take as much time as we needed to say goodbye. During that time sue started bleeding out of her mouth and nose. We took it in turn to wipe away the blood. Still hoping to make things better. I should have talked to Sue more, perhaps I could have bought her back from the brink? There were so many people that loved her and she had so many things yet to do with her life. The doctor came in and we turned the machine off at 4:30 in the morning. Sue stopped breathing immediately ... when the doctor came in and said sorry for your loss. I was numb, my children were crying at the loss of their mother. All I could say was It's alright. But my son was right It wasn't alright. They'd lost their mum. I'd lost the one person in this world that made sense of it all. I'd lost my wife, my soulmate, my best friend. Nothing could be alright about it. It's now nearly a month gone by and not a moment goes by that I don't think of Sue. I've never really been religious ... spiritual perhaps but not religious. But I pray in my own way that she is alright. I pray that wherever she is that she is being looked after and that she doesn't worry. I pray that one day I'll see her again and that she knows how much she is loved. I pray that she knows how much I love her and how much I miss her. I pray that we will be together again one day. Love you Sue