Just over 6 weeks ago I lost my better half. His name was Lucien, and was the love of my life for 10 years. We were on vacation and started our day like normal, a good morning kiss, drink some coffee, and continued what I thought would be a start to an amazing day. He was killed unexpectedly in an accident riding our dirtbikes in the dunes, and my life immediately turned upside-down, inside-out and destructed more than I ever thought it could. He would be turning 28 in 4 days, 10/6. You never imagine anything like this until the day it happens, still in shock. You then go home and start ripping up every part of your house looking for evidence of him, whether it be a birthday card, a letter, a sticky note with the grocery list in his handwriting, old printed photos...anything. While you're still in the shock of him being gone you are comforting yourself by manically searching for any item that you will cherish forever. I thought at first I couldn't live in this home, being it was ours..But the more I thought about it I realized that WE made this our home with the walls covered in beautiful art and photos, amazing memories, family dinners and most of all where we were always comfortable. I could name any other place in the world where I could live and still think of him the same, so I am staying. But that doesn't mean that every day since you've been gone I have had a "good" day...every day sucks and I can't imagine going through this pain so vivid and constant. Loss is something that we know and expect to be the one of the most difficult pains to deal with, yet once it happens to you it's like you start all over and it's even worse than you ever thought it would get. Every day feels like day one without him again, and every emotion replays over and over again until you ask yourself "can I even produce this many tears?" Why yes, you most definitely can, and they will come out of the blue right when you think you're okay to finally go to the grocery store, walk to your mailbox or go out to lunch with a friend. Suddenly you pass by his favorite cereal in the store, your mailbox has a "sign up for our credit card" junk with his name on it, and your friend at lunch orders what was HIS favorite meal....and it starts all over again. Stopping at nothing until I find every single picture of us makes me re live all the beautiful memories ^^