Lisa_D

Hi there, I had the reading done late Saturday night. It wasn't exactly what I expected. I'm at work right now but will share my experience in more detail tonight. Sorry to leave you hanging, just not enough time right now.

She said we would try again this saturday. It's all being done over Skype as she is in Utah and I am in Florida. I am hoping so much it will happen. I know she's legit, for her to personally call me to apologize says a lot.

Scottsgirl, I'm sorry it's been a few days for my reply, yesterday was a very tough day for some reason so I secluded myself. Yes I returned to work 3 days after Mat's passing, begrudgingly of course because I am a single mom and need to pay bills. No, it's not been easy and honestly I wish I could take time off to mourn, to cry, to scream, to sit in silence... unfortunately that day has not been available to me yet. Maybe it's what's meant to be, I don't know but I'm doing what has to be done. The last week has been extremely difficult though. I find I'm crying at the drop of a dime, Mat is constantly on my mind and I'm missing his presence immensely. I'm reading and re-reading the last text messages between he and I and it's been killing me. Tonight marks 4 weeks since I last held his warm hand and heard him say he loves me. It is still so raw, so unreal... Mat was my soulmate, I can't believe he's gone... I want him healthy and here with me so much!

My appointment with the medium was unfortunately rescheduled... though I already had a feeling this morning it would not occur today. I've heard so many people say that I'm not ready for this... what does that mean?? It's so strange because when Mat's dad passed away 2 yrs ago he visited me in a dream. It was so real, he was standing in a doorway in Mat's mom's house and I was trying to get him to come and show himself but he kept telling me that they weren't ready. I remember that like it was yesterday. My friend who set this appointment for me told me that he felt I wasn't ready... I really wish someone would explain why or how... I don't understand this. The medium actually called me to tell me that she will provide the reading, but just not yet. But she did say that she sees light all around me and that she sees good things to come. She was very sweet and apologized but she felt I wasn't ready.... erghhh, can anyone explain what this means???

Thank you Kayc, I'm so glad I found this site. Somewhere I can express how I'm feeling without being judged or criticized. Somewhere that I too can be helpful in showing others they are not alone either.

Scottsgirl, my heart breaks for you as my love passed just a day after your Scott on September 18th at 2:46am. Mat was only 43 and had been battling cancer since April 2014. Mat fought so hard and even when we were told this was it he still said "I'm not done!" And he said it with such conviction I believed... but then hours later he was gone. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such a horrible disease. I admire your strength, I've not found this yet. A couple weeks ago a woman in my office was walking around singing "I'm a survivor" and handing out breast cancer pencils, I wanted to stab her with it. It felt like she was rubbing it in that she survived and Mat didnt. I know that wasn't the case, heck she knew nothing of Mat's passing but when she learned last week she came and offered me such compassion and even apologized though she didn't have to. Again, I admire you and how you are handling all of this. His passing was just beautiful and what courage you had to do that for him... wow.

Butch, as others have said, you are NOT alone. Having just lost my love less than a month ago I've been feeling exactly like you. Yesterday was the worst day since Mat passed, but today I only cried a couple times. Tomorrow may be back to square one but I'm trying and joining this forum has already helped... first day in and I already feel as Marty T said amongst kindred folks. We are all on here because we are grieving over a loved one. It's hard, very hard at times, but you have a son and daughter in law and grandbaby (s) on the way. They need you to be there for them so please don't give up or give in to the demons in your head. I have to remind my own self of this daily as I have 2 sons, 10 and 14, who need me. I'm sorry you are going through this, no one should ever go through this.

Have you met with the medium yet? I am meeting with one this Thursday night. I have a couple friends who have set this up for me, I'm a little skeptical but I've had a few things happen to me recently that make me wonder if my Mat is still around me. One being two distinct taps on my arm while I was sleeping which woke me immediately. I thought it was my son but there was no one there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Harleyquinn, It is so refreshing to know others feel the same and UNDERSTAND! I'm so sorry for your loss as well. How long has it been for you since your love passed? Although Mat had cancer he never led on nor did he tell me that the doctors told him he wouldn't survive. He was a fighter and he fought tooth and nail till his last breath. It was such a shock to us, he digressed so fast. 5 weeks prior he was vacationing with his son, then continuous digression. It plays over and over in my head. It's like no other pain I've ever felt. I wish this was all a dream.

Thank you everyone for your kind advice, support and compassion. My family lives several states away and though I have many close friends that are trying to help me, they don't really understand what I'm going through. I'm finding myself getting angry with some of my closest friends because of this. Has this happened to any of you? I was crying at my desk at work yesterday and was asked "what's wrong?"... Really???? Did she really just ask me that? I've had others tell me that I NEED to start living again, that Mat wouldn't want me down here acting like this. This was just said to me today! They've never lost a partner, and you can't compare it to a parent. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago and though hard it was nothing like this. I feel I've no one to turn to, I feel like a burden to my friends. My sons aren't understanding my grief and in turn I'm becoming bitter. This is NOT who I am!!! I've had a rough life, Mat made it better. He brought all the good out in me that I had lost when I went through a horrible divorce. Now that anger is being triggered again. I know I should do counseling but I'm a full time working single mom and it's difficult to find time. I'm sorry for my rant, I just really need some honest and real advice. Are all these feelings normal? Like I said in my opening, I'm lost without him....

It's been 25 days since my boyfriend lost his battle with cancer. I am 39, he was 43, we were together for almost 4 yrs. I loved him with all my heart. I'm feeling more lost now than I did when he passed. I was by his bedside along with his mom and brother when he passed, it plays over and over in my head like a skipping record. I wish I could make it stop. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, etc. How do I recover from this? I have two children, 14 and 10, who need me there for them but I can't find my smile. Can anyone offer me advice on coping with this???