Scottsgirl

I agree that the boost and ensure are wise alternatives. But, as difficult as it is, it is important to focus on yourself. Feed your body and soul things to nourish both. I couldn't eat for about the first 25 days, lived on tea and ensure, but at that point I started to focus on very nutritionally dense foods. I think feeding my body well is helping me through the exhausting and sometimes desperate times I go through. Please focus on yourself Margaret, pamper yourself. Think of it as giving your husband some piece of mind knowing that you can love yourself as much as you love him.

Brad, sorry to sidetrack your thread Kevin, but just for a second I promise. what app is that you are using to track your walking that will make a donation to cancer research for every mile? I am very interested. Kevin, you certainly sound like you have found a good balance for your time. That's really fantastic. Nothing will ever fill that hole in your heart, a fact I am slowly coming to realize, but definitely being amongst the living is a good place to start. I am many years away from retirement, but have decided to return to work on the 31st of this month. Any more than 6 weeks of solitude and being alone with my thoughts will have me in a much darker place than I am right now, that certainly won't be good. keep enjoying those activities! I'm a little jealous of all of you who are retired and can decide just what you want to fill your days with, me, it's off to work. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go..... Cheers!

Kristine, I'm not going to be of much help to you as I am only 33 days into this nightmare. I do understand however what you said about feeling better after your sessions, I do feel better after my sessions with the grief councillor at the cancer centre where my darling Scott was being treated. Problem is what about every evening when my 16 yr old son goes to bed and im alone with my thoughts. The tears, anger, hopelessness of the situation smack me in the face once again. And again and again. I understand the lack of food in the house, if I never eat pizza or Chinese take-out again it would be just fine with me. I can't bear to even look at them in the supermarket without tears welling up in my eyes. So all in all, like I said, I'm not much help but I do offer a shoulder and an ear. Please write whatever you feel you need to, me and I'm certain a bunch of others are more than willing to listen. Please take care of yourself, and I hope for better minutes or hours if entire days aren't to be had just yet. Cheers, Pam

Dear Margaret, my heart truly bleeds for you. I lost the love of my life on September 17, 2015 to small cell lung cancer. He lasted 3 1/2 months from diagnosis, which was 2 months longer than the oncologists ever thought he would make it. I too cared for my husband through all of it. Never complained and if I had to do it over again I would do it in a second. Your loss is so new, heck, my loss is still new and it's been 30 days longer than yours. I'm amazed you can even write here. The people here whom I have encountered are simply amazing, they have walked the path we walk, although some a little longer than us. Please take solace in the fact that your husband truly loved you and you truly loved him, it showed in how you took care of eachother when one was so ill. It takes a special kind of love to be the caregiver for a terminally ill spouse. That is something I have realized, with help from the grief councelling I get from our cancer centre. If I may suggest, if you have that service available to you through the cancer centre where your husband was treated, avail yourself of it. You may not want it just yet, but please don't discount it. Being a caregiver to a cancer patient comes with its own issues and stresses, I learned that when I went for my first session 6 days after Scott passed. It was by far the best decision I have made in the past 33 days. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, words just aren't enough. I have been where you are and ask the same questions you are asking. I don't have any answers but this one thing comes to mind. My husband always said he would love me for the rest of his life, I'm sure your husband told you the same thing. Well, they did as they said, they did love us for the rest of their lives.

Brad, i think you hit the nail on the head with the word devotion. Scott and I had more than one conversation much like the letter Deedo left for you. Although I would listen to his wishes, I always knew execution would be next to impossible. I never agreed to find someone else, the thought was and still is repulsive. Anyway, devotion, I kind of feel like the devotion I had for Scott in life has increased ten fold since his death. Devotion to another in life is an unspoken tenet of a good relationship. In death that devotion is magnified. At this point I believe I will remain devoted and loyal to the man of my dreams, the love of my life, for the rest of my life. Thanks for providing me with a fresh perspective.

I was hoping by this time some relief would have set in, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm more lost, confused, anxious than ever. There is nothing out there to prepare you for this nightmare. It's only once you lose your soulmate that you stumble across places like this where people actually understand. So few people understand, especially as we are relatively young. I am 50 and Scott just turned 56 3 weeks before he died. somebody said to me last week "don't worry dear, you will find someone else". Are you kidding me????? I don't want anyone else. The unmitigated gaul of people. As the days pass this road gets bumpier and bumpier. Things that should have made me happy, like getting all new major appliances last week ( Scott and I had been saving for them) . They are exactly what we wanted, had dreamed about but now that they are here there is no joy in it. The victory is really hollow. I think what has really triggered this, outside of the obvious is that I received the documents from the insurance company for Scotts life insurance. It struck me that wow, this is what it all comes down to, a dollar figure. How depressing. I couldn't care less about the money, his life to me is invaluable. No amount of money is enough. So here I sit on the front porch, a very cool and windy October afternoon in Ontario Canada, contemplating how to get up and get moving with life. Scott would be very annoyed at me for being like this. I just don't know how to do it.

This morning marks 28 days. 4 weeks, where did the time go? I'm beginning to wonder if a Thursday will ever be a good day again. I get up, make breakfast for my son, but the world feels surreal again. The past 2 days have been somewhat tolerable, but not this morning. Apparently time heals, not entirely sure about that but I have to go on faith. Every Thursday morning it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over. i question my strength to endure this. But I will carry on. What other choice do I have! This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life!

Relieved to know I'm not the only one. Thanks Brad.

People think I'm joking when I say I can barely tie my shoelaces. It's no joke, it's how it is some days. A good day is getting shoes on the right feet. A very good day is when the laces are tied! Today was an ok day. Went for slip on shoes, and actually got them on the right feet first try. Sounds crazy but it's my life these days!

Butch, i am relatively new to this site so I don't have the luxury to have been along this ride as many others have. Seems to me that your son was in the right place at the right time for you, you obviously raised him well. The losses you describe are beyond comprehension to me. You have every right to how you feel. Just know that there are a lot of shoulders to lean on and ears to listen. I can't offer anything other than a shoulder or an ear, I am so new to this. 27 days, 20 hours. I wish you all the best, and hope your struggles ease up sooner than later.

Just drove home from picking my mom up from work. This occurred to me when I pulled into the driveway. I was talking out loud to Scott the entire way home. I'm thinking that it's a good thing it was dark because anyone who may have seen me would have thought I was completely off my nut! Four hours and ten minutes from now he will have been gone for 28 days, 4 weeks. Wow, how on earth have I made it this far?

Kayc, i thought about a transfer but the truth is there is nowhere I would rather be. He had so many friends there, as do I. Each and every one of them will offer me a hug when they find me sobbing in the back room. I would have to put on a brave face anywhere else, at least there I will be able to be me. Whoever that turns out to be.

Lisa_d, Another good man taken in his prime by cancer. My heart is with you, I completely understand your loss. I am amazed at YOUR strength. Are you actually back to work? I can't even process the idea of going back yet. My problem with going back to work is that Scott and I worked together for Walmart in the same store for 12 years. Everywhere I look in the store there is a memory. By the time I have been there 30 minutes the walls are closing in on me. Many people have not so good things to say about Walmart but I can honestly say I am blessed to work there. When Scott was diagnosed back in early June of this year they told me to come and go as I needed to. I was so lucky, they afforded me the luxury of spending every minute of his last 3 1/2 months with him. What employer does that? Not very many I am certain. I'm glad the lady with the pencils came back and was so kind to you when she understood her gaff. You too are an amazing woman just to be able to face the workplace. I'm not there yet, still having trouble tying my shoes. My thoughts are with you, just take it a bit at a time. We will both get there somehow.

Redwendy, I am truly sorry for your loss. I am now at the day 25 mark since my beloved husband left me and encounter that wall you spoke of on a daily basis. Today is the Canadian thanksgiving and I found myself thinking about all the wonderful things I am thankful for that he brought to my life. Believe it or not they have allowed me to have a more peaceful day than I have had for the entire 25 days. That is not to say the heartache won't be back with a vengeance tomorrow. I can't tell you when you will feel better, I think we are on a journey to rediscover ourselves and that just takes time. I know I hate it when people tell me it takes time, but like it or not that just seems to be the way it is. Great decision to seek councelling, I know mine seems to help a little, as do the wonderful supportive people here, who know a whole lot more about grief than I do. Continue to be the amazing mother that you are, our children can help us see the important things in our new lives. We will see them when the time is right for each of us. I hope you find some measure of peace in the coming days. Cheers!

Debi.williams, thank you for your reply, and my heart bleeds for you. My son turned 16 on August 28th so I can fully understand the need to not always be sobbing when they are around. They deserve to be able to get on with as much of their lives as possible, even though they go through their own grief, best we can do is be there for them when they need us. I suppose that's just what moms do. I can't believe the horror you went through, 24 hours, wow. I suppose I feel so blessed that Scott died exactly as he wanted to. He was at home, and he had told me to play a special song for him, when I was ready to say goodbye. The song was by Elvis, called "softly as I leave you" . The hardest thing I ever did in my life, but after a couple of hours, knowing in my heart it was time for him to go I played it for him, just after I played my favourite, unchained melody. He told me to kiss him, that I loved him and that I would take care of his mom ( who is in a nursing home with advanced dementia), he told me to go outside and have a smoke after I did all of this. I did as he asked, and when I returned a few minutes later he was gone. I suppose the beautiful thing about all of this was he planned out exactly how he wanted to die, and I made sure that it happened. Even if he drove me nuts while he was alive every time he played that song. I would ask him why he was playing that song that made me cry, he always told me that he liked it so. I haven't listened to either of those songs since, not sure if I ever will. Your husband was taken from you in the prime of your lives, I know how that feels. Then again, I don't think that losing the love of your life gets any easier at any age.