sararhiannon

Dear KC...I too, will hold you close in my heart and prayers. I know how stressful interviews can be with all this on top of it. Please know you will be thought of and prayed for.

Dear KC and Penny, I have taken your words of wisdom to heart. I am going to make it a priority to find some counseling for my son and myself as well. I just got a job a good one where I understand they have a program called solutions. I start tomorrow. I am so emotionally all over the place right now. Mostly I am angry today. I keep coming here though and even though I don't post alot I do read a great deal. I will for sure read the post on Betryal. You know what? Even though the last few years were hell. And even though it all ended so horribly..I still miss that sob...as I sit here crying and typing and I am MAD...I don't want to miss him. I just want for it all to go away and it wont. God help me get through this..give me strenght.. and thank you everybody..

I can't thank you all enough for you kind words and thoughts. It really does mean a great deal to me. I have just enrolled in Marty's online First Year of Grief course and went through lesson one earlier this morning. I know it is a very long road ahead that my boys and I will have to travel but I can't even explain, nor do I need to, the difference in my physche just in the last few days finding you all and not feeling that 'aloneness' quite so heavily. Much love and gratitute...

Dear Terry, I am new here and like you, don't have a lot of close family or friends to talk too. Please know how very sorry I am for your loss. I hope the relationships I form here will help me and my boys heal and I hope for you some healing and peace as well. Much sympathy...

Hi everyone. I am new here and feeling very awkward. I hope to find some help and hope and peace/healing and mabye someday return the favor but am somewhat of a mess right now. Maybe sharing here will help. I am not receiving any form of professional counseling right now for various reasons, mainly financial. I am 32 yrs old. I have two children from my former childhoold sweetheart. We met when I was 14, him 16. My boys ages 3 and 11 are so amazing. Last September I divorced their father. The main reason for my decision seemed simple at the time. I did not love him anymore...let me rephrase that. I loved him, and always will but was not IN love with im anymore. I can only stare at those words now as I type them. He fell hard and quickly into narcotic painkillers and within 8 months (the last of his life) he deteriorated into a monster. He didn't know the difference between his boys, he couldn't remember our anniversary or is ssn, he didn't know if it was day or night literally. Our divorce was final in September. I had him admitted to the ER for suicide watch the prior June. He threatened many many times before during and after the divorce that he was going to end it. The weekend of January 21, 2006 was his turn to have the boys. They were at his house which was about 1 1/2 hr from mine. Early Saturday morning my phone rang. It was my oldest son. He just said, "Mom, I need you, please hurry..daddy wont wake up". It's all so fresh...I relive that day over and over everyday. He had been gone since 6am. My son called at 8:42a.m. The autopsy revealed a lethal dose of methadone and valium. His heart just stopped. My 3 yr old always talks about "putting water in his daddy's eye" but that he wouldn't wake up. We left the state and have started over in a smaller town in the northwest. I have a loving wonderful man in my life who cherishes both me and my boys. But now that I am here and we are somewhat "settled" I am finding that my feelings are overwhelming me. I am returned to my antidepressant/antianxiety medication but I am well aware of the fact that I need to do some type of grief work and heal on the inside and then I have to try and help my boys. My oldest won't talk about it. As much of a completely horrible person he was towards the end. We did have many many wonderful moments in time...a life time actually. And through my anger, guilt, and sadness...I find myself missing him so very much. Thanks for listening to a newcomer and I am glad to be here.