deb1

I just can't forgive myself for living abroad for 4 years while she was having depression. I visited not so ofter because of money, but spoke to her almost everyday. Sometimes life was on the way or I was feeling sad or sick and didn't want to speak to anyone. She had my father, brother and her best friend around, it's not like she was alone, but I feel so sad that I was not with her. I feel just so sad for not being around her all the time... I really love her and said almost everyday and tried to show as much as possible, but I also was annoying to her, i imagine, because I was all the time telling what she could do to fight depression... it's just such a difficult thing to deal, but I really tried my best.

Dave, that's a very kind hearted thing to do. The passing of our mothers brings a different perspective in life, right? Sometimes I try to be not as hard on myself, but there are times when it's very difficult. The fact that I haven't seem my mom after she passed away and before I only would see her from my laptop screen or her text tricks my brain and I feel she's just not there at the moment and soon I'll get a message from her saying something about everyday life. So then I talk to her and in my mind and can even smile about something she'd say or do. But then strikes me like a thunder that that's not possible and I just break... it's like a rollercoaster all the time. My mom is very spiritual and believed without a blink that there is life after this one. And I want so bad, but I think I've lost what it takes to believe and just keep remembering an almost real dream I had with her. But it's like we've said...we have to keep on going for the sake of our mom's efforts to make us happy. Mom's angel, I know, I still can do it myself...I feel this hole in my heart will only grow. I keep thinking that maybe when I become a mother myself I can get a small peace, because then I'll be sure that my mom knew how much I love her. And I know what you say about people saying things like you're doing well...I'm not doing well, my heart is in pieces and I don't know what to do with myself, but I just keep going. And it's the same for me. I've never lost anyone. And this shouldn't have to be like this...if there was fairness in life, this wouldn't be like that. But we have to go on... Do you know if you brother could feel at least a bit of joy in his wedding day? I keep wondering about that. I won't forget my mom even for a second that day, but I also wanted to be able to think of the love for the kind man I'm marrying.

I imagine it must not be easy even after all these years. I don't think we stop missing our beloved ones...it's just that sometimes I feel that there is no sense in life itself. We get to love, but the pain to loose them is so horrible...

Hi mom's angel...was thinking about you as today I'm having one of those very bad days. I have to pick some final details of my wedding and I feel not like it. I'm so so sad. My mom always said I was very loving daughter, but I feel I didn't have the time to give all the love she deserves. I'm so sad... I wish so much to have her here. It's good to hear from people like Kay that can make their way through all of this... We need to keep being strong I guess.

Not this one, Marty! Thank you again! I'm already starting to read them.

Hi Beth, I was thinking about you For a bit over a month I had back pain everyday and couldn't have it straight...now it's only the breathing every time I think about her death. Like I need a big gulp of air. And for me is almost 5 months, so I'm not surprised you feel like that... :'(

I know what you mean. Just the other day I thought, well, I just need to wait until it's my turn to go... My friends always have said that my laughter was one of the things that they liked about me and now I don't feel that I'll ever be able to have one and really mean the easy going feeling, the happiness that existed before. Every time (which is all the time) that I realize that my mom is not just traveling I feel that my throat closes and I can't breath. But I'm trying some baby steps and I can feel by what you write how strong you're being and I'm sure you can make through this pain. Marty, thank you too! I also am eager to read more about, specially now with my wedding so close...

Mom's angel, please, don't feel like that I know somehow how it can be difficult, but try to think of how much she loves you and what she is wishing for you right now. Think of everything she's been through to make you the person you are. All the love she put on everything she's done for you, no matter how little or big, think of them all. She did all of that to make you have the best life considering what she could offer. Right now you cannot be happy and, trust me, I understand the feeling...so just keep in mind that it's ok to feel like we do, it's normal to not want to go out or whatever...but think of the loving person who always have and always will want you to be happy. Once again, I know you cant just be 'happy' right now. But take it slow and take you time. We will NEVER forget our mothers and we will ALWAYS miss them, no matter what, but unfortunately we can't change the fact they aren't physically here and that this loss is with us. We can just do our best to be the women our mothers wanted us to be. If you need to talk, I'm here...

So beautiful, Dave. I'm still trying to learn. It's just hard to imagine all we could have done together. Our age difference was not big and I was hoping to grow old with my mama...

Unfortunately, I also am part of the group. I'm 28 and my mom was 47. But I was not able to say goodbye, as it was a stupid massive heart attack. And I couldn't see one last time, because I had to fly overseas...I only could be part of the cremation ceremony and that hurts so much. It is not fair and the kind of love between mother and daughter is something so beautiful... why were they taken so early from us? She had depression and had two thrombosis which made even more difficult. I spoke to her almost everyday, but since I live in another country, sometimes it was difficult to manage the time zone and I hate myself for that. We were not expecting what happened and when my father told me I remember just screaming so loud and curling in the floor so so so desperate... After a while I felt that something took over my body and did all the formalities necessary to fly home (tickets, new visa entry and all)... I still cannot believe I'm never going to touch her again. She has this beautiful smile, strong personality that made her the center of our lives... I had one very real dream with her once. Have you yet? If not, it will come, for sure...

Hi Daughterofanamazingmom. I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't say that I have good days either, but as Beth says, some days you're distracted. Is good though to see more members of this group that can cope better...maybe one day we'll be there. I actually feel bad when I have an 'alright' day for if it was the opposite, if I was gone and my mama was still here, I know she wouldn't be eating or leaving bed. But my brother always tell me that, yes, maybe she would, be I cannot even imagining her feeling sad because you're not like that. So there it is...most moms are really like angels with a love without comparison. Just out of curiosity girls...do you feel short of breath whenever you think of your mom? I've read in some places that it's a normal physical reaction, I just an curious if it really is. The first couple of weeks I felt like I've been in a fight and my whole body was sore...now I only have this breath thing... And Beth, I forgot to give you congratulations on your new job. I hope you'll like it and have nice co-workers! Love, Deb

Mom's angel, I really think we'll never be the same. I've seen this thing the other day and think it's true... Beth, I'm sorry for your nightmares. I had 2 of them as well. Even having a boyfriend I feel lonely, but it's mostly because I feel nobody really understands what I feel as an adult daughter of a young mother. But them I "met" you and at least I know you can understand. My family and boyfriend are all very sweet and supportive, but it's a feeling completely different...but that's how I feel. Is it something similar to you? Are you already back to work (sorry, my memory is terrible) or have something to keep you mind (sort of) busy?

Hi girls, First of all, thank you very much for your wishes…I hope I can be strong enough that day. How are you all coping? Kayc, it’s so troubling that you couldn’t choose what to do with you mom’s ashes. I hope your feelings will be lighter about it at some point. Hugs to you all

People sometimes have no idea of how their words can hurt....an aunt just did something similar to me these days. Even though right now I'm having trouble believing in God and more, I used to like to think that there is something beyond. And if there is, your mom wouldn't loose her time with your aunt, but with you, your father and brother (do you have more siblings?) So even if her mind dreamed about that, it's not true. Just keep talking, to her, writing and, if you please, pray, light a candle. I specially like to do the last one...

Hi Beth! I hope you're doing alright, meaning the same mom's angel said. It's so weird when people ask us how we are doing, right? If it was so say the truth people would just run away. No, that's not my instagram's page, but I like to see what they post...sometimes it's inspiring. It's nice that you can find some comfort in music. Me, on the other hand, can't put myself to listen to music. Of course it's all around me, but I don't have the initiative. I can't sing also... I like a lot your idea of writing a journal. I just try to say it out loud, but writing can be more effective when it comes to ease our minds, perhaps... will give it a try. I'm going to get married in a month and still cannot think of doing it without her. It will be 5 months then. She was so excited about it... I can't think of that as a joyful day. It's just so unfair that we've lost our moms so young...they won't be there (at least physically) in so many important things in our lives...