deb1

I just can't forgive myself for living abroad for 4 years while she was having depression. I visited not so ofter because of money, but spoke to her almost everyday. Sometimes life was on the way or I was feeling sad or sick and didn't want to speak to anyone. She had my father, brother and her best friend around, it's not like she was alone, but I feel so sad that I was not with her. I feel just so sad for not being around her all the time... I really love her and said almost everyday and tried to show as much as possible, but I also was annoying to her, i imagine, because I was all the time telling what she could do to fight depression... it's just such a difficult thing to deal, but I really tried my best.

Dave, that's a very kind hearted thing to do. The passing of our mothers brings a different perspective in life, right? Sometimes I try to be not as hard on myself, but there are times when it's very difficult. The fact that I haven't seem my mom after she passed away and before I only would see her from my laptop screen or her text tricks my brain and I feel she's just not there at the moment and soon I'll get a message from her saying something about everyday life. So then I talk to her and in my mind and can even smile about something she'd say or do. But then strikes me like a thunder that that's not possible and I just break... it's like a rollercoaster all the time. My mom is very spiritual and believed without a blink that there is life after this one. And I want so bad, but I think I've lost what it takes to believe and just keep remembering an almost real dream I had with her. But it's like we've said...we have to keep on going for the sake of our mom's efforts to make us happy. Mom's angel, I know, I still can do it myself...I feel this hole in my heart will only grow. I keep thinking that maybe when I become a mother myself I can get a small peace, because then I'll be sure that my mom knew how much I love her. And I know what you say about people saying things like you're doing well...I'm not doing well, my heart is in pieces and I don't know what to do with myself, but I just keep going. And it's the same for me. I've never lost anyone. And this shouldn't have to be like this...if there was fairness in life, this wouldn't be like that. But we have to go on... Do you know if you brother could feel at least a bit of joy in his wedding day? I keep wondering about that. I won't forget my mom even for a second that day, but I also wanted to be able to think of the love for the kind man I'm marrying.

I imagine it must not be easy even after all these years. I don't think we stop missing our beloved ones...it's just that sometimes I feel that there is no sense in life itself. We get to love, but the pain to loose them is so horrible...

Hi mom's angel...was thinking about you as today I'm having one of those very bad days. I have to pick some final details of my wedding and I feel not like it. I'm so so sad. My mom always said I was very loving daughter, but I feel I didn't have the time to give all the love she deserves. I'm so sad... I wish so much to have her here. It's good to hear from people like Kay that can make their way through all of this... We need to keep being strong I guess.

Not this one, Marty! Thank you again! I'm already starting to read them.

Hi Beth, I was thinking about you For a bit over a month I had back pain everyday and couldn't have it straight...now it's only the breathing every time I think about her death. Like I need a big gulp of air. And for me is almost 5 months, so I'm not surprised you feel like that... :'(

I know what you mean. Just the other day I thought, well, I just need to wait until it's my turn to go... My friends always have said that my laughter was one of the things that they liked about me and now I don't feel that I'll ever be able to have one and really mean the easy going feeling, the happiness that existed before. Every time (which is all the time) that I realize that my mom is not just traveling I feel that my throat closes and I can't breath. But I'm trying some baby steps and I can feel by what you write how strong you're being and I'm sure you can make through this pain. Marty, thank you too! I also am eager to read more about, specially now with my wedding so close...

Mom's angel, please, don't feel like that I know somehow how it can be difficult, but try to think of how much she loves you and what she is wishing for you right now. Think of everything she's been through to make you the person you are. All the love she put on everything she's done for you, no matter how little or big, think of them all. She did all of that to make you have the best life considering what she could offer. Right now you cannot be happy and, trust me, I understand the feeling...so just keep in mind that it's ok to feel like we do, it's normal to not want to go out or whatever...but think of the loving person who always have and always will want you to be happy. Once again, I know you cant just be 'happy' right now. But take it slow and take you time. We will NEVER forget our mothers and we will ALWAYS miss them, no matter what, but unfortunately we can't change the fact they aren't physically here and that this loss is with us. We can just do our best to be the women our mothers wanted us to be. If you need to talk, I'm here...

So beautiful, Dave. I'm still trying to learn. It's just hard to imagine all we could have done together. Our age difference was not big and I was hoping to grow old with my mama...

Unfortunately, I also am part of the group. I'm 28 and my mom was 47. But I was not able to say goodbye, as it was a stupid massive heart attack. And I couldn't see one last time, because I had to fly overseas...I only could be part of the cremation ceremony and that hurts so much. It is not fair and the kind of love between mother and daughter is something so beautiful... why were they taken so early from us? She had depression and had two thrombosis which made even more difficult. I spoke to her almost everyday, but since I live in another country, sometimes it was difficult to manage the time zone and I hate myself for that. We were not expecting what happened and when my father told me I remember just screaming so loud and curling in the floor so so so desperate... After a while I felt that something took over my body and did all the formalities necessary to fly home (tickets, new visa entry and all)... I still cannot believe I'm never going to touch her again. She has this beautiful smile, strong personality that made her the center of our lives... I had one very real dream with her once. Have you yet? If not, it will come, for sure...

Hi Daughterofanamazingmom. I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't say that I have good days either, but as Beth says, some days you're distracted. Is good though to see more members of this group that can cope better...maybe one day we'll be there. I actually feel bad when I have an 'alright' day for if it was the opposite, if I was gone and my mama was still here, I know she wouldn't be eating or leaving bed. But my brother always tell me that, yes, maybe she would, be I cannot even imagining her feeling sad because you're not like that. So there it is...most moms are really like angels with a love without comparison. Just out of curiosity girls...do you feel short of breath whenever you think of your mom? I've read in some places that it's a normal physical reaction, I just an curious if it really is. The first couple of weeks I felt like I've been in a fight and my whole body was sore...now I only have this breath thing... And Beth, I forgot to give you congratulations on your new job. I hope you'll like it and have nice co-workers! Love, Deb

Mom's angel, I really think we'll never be the same. I've seen this thing the other day and think it's true... Beth, I'm sorry for your nightmares. I had 2 of them as well. Even having a boyfriend I feel lonely, but it's mostly because I feel nobody really understands what I feel as an adult daughter of a young mother. But them I "met" you and at least I know you can understand. My family and boyfriend are all very sweet and supportive, but it's a feeling completely different...but that's how I feel. Is it something similar to you? Are you already back to work (sorry, my memory is terrible) or have something to keep you mind (sort of) busy?

Hi girls, First of all, thank you very much for your wishes…I hope I can be strong enough that day. How are you all coping? Kayc, it’s so troubling that you couldn’t choose what to do with you mom’s ashes. I hope your feelings will be lighter about it at some point. Hugs to you all

People sometimes have no idea of how their words can hurt....an aunt just did something similar to me these days. Even though right now I'm having trouble believing in God and more, I used to like to think that there is something beyond. And if there is, your mom wouldn't loose her time with your aunt, but with you, your father and brother (do you have more siblings?) So even if her mind dreamed about that, it's not true. Just keep talking, to her, writing and, if you please, pray, light a candle. I specially like to do the last one...

Hi Beth! I hope you're doing alright, meaning the same mom's angel said. It's so weird when people ask us how we are doing, right? If it was so say the truth people would just run away. No, that's not my instagram's page, but I like to see what they post...sometimes it's inspiring. It's nice that you can find some comfort in music. Me, on the other hand, can't put myself to listen to music. Of course it's all around me, but I don't have the initiative. I can't sing also... I like a lot your idea of writing a journal. I just try to say it out loud, but writing can be more effective when it comes to ease our minds, perhaps... will give it a try. I'm going to get married in a month and still cannot think of doing it without her. It will be 5 months then. She was so excited about it... I can't think of that as a joyful day. It's just so unfair that we've lost our moms so young...they won't be there (at least physically) in so many important things in our lives...

Hi Beth! That was me on Instagram... I just felt that this place has helped me so much that I wanted to share with others. My mom passed away last September from a massive heart attack and I was not even in the same country. It took me some hours to manage to buy a ticket back home. So I never got to just see her. I was in her ceremony before cremation, but they more not able to open the "thing' (hate the word) and I couldnt see her. I feel this really makes me crazy, but at least the last time I saw her in person was in an airport, both crying saying that we loved each other. I try to think that as the good bye, even though we almost spoke everyday after that, maybe if you have a memory like that you can try to trick your goodbye like I try. I'm 28 and my mom was 47 and I simply just HATE to use past tense to speak about her. Sometimes I just refuse doing so. I know about the bad days and even on the ok days I feel guilty for not being as terrible as on the other days, but I guess none of the good mothers would like us to be in such a terrible place. So then I just speak to her...

I'm really sorry about your mom. After my mom passed away I also started being afraid to have heart problems, started reading everything on internet until I realised that it was not good for me to do that. So when I start to fell comfortable to do so, I'll go to a doctor and speak about it. Don't know when this will be, but I'll do it to not have this in my mind all the time. I think it's good that you're not going alone to pick up her ashes. My mom too was cremated, it was something she wanted, but I found hard to go pick it up... We got one of those urns that comes with a seed and we plan to plant it one day. It grows to a beautiful tree 10m high. I also don't feel ready yet to go through my mom's things, so we are just leaving where it is, so I can't imagine how emotional it must be for you to have had to that and have to do it again now. Do you have anyone you trust to go with you? And if you don't feel ready to speak about it with others, maybe talk to her. I keep doing that... Anyway, have also written to you in private.

You are a wise girl... thank you very much for these kind words. I'll try to look at it like that

That's exactly how I feel, mom's angel. It's also like I'm in a play and the main character is not there anymore and all the rest of us need to figure it out what we should do now. I want to ask if you're having the same trouble as I'm. I of course love my father, but I feel sometimes uncomfortable being extra nice to him, as if I'm cheating on my mom. I feel that I should do the same for both. I also feel that our dynamic has changed and sometimes I feel uncomfortable for no reason. And then I feel guilty because he's super sweet man. I guess its just how I'm... my mom always said that I feel guilty for whatever reason.

I'm so sorry for your loss... I haven't been through my mom's birthday yet, but from what I felt on NYE I guess I have an idea. But I don't know why you blame yourself. She was having a hard time for 2 months and you took her out to have a nice time with family and friends. You gave her a little extra happiness. It's not at all your fault. It could have been in her sleep before you had the opportunity to give her that. Of course you want it to be different, god, I know I wish to be different, but hold on the thought that she for sure appreciated you trying to get her mind out of what was happening before. She knows you love her and she loves you too.

Thank you Marty. I'm slowly trying to read them. I actually will have a small prayer together with my brother, father and fiancee before the ceremony, use her jewelIry and a medallion with her photo on my flower bouquet. I just feel selfish for planning the wedding without her and also that I wont feel any joy that day. I feel that it would be better to do later on, but now is too late to do so. But thank you again for the tip.

Hi Ceili, I'm sorry for your loss. I seriously might not know what I'm talking about, since I've lost my mom 3 months ago and before that never had any other single loss, but since you work from home, have you considered just traveling for couple of months? I don't know if this is something you can do, but I really think what helps me a bit is just going to new places. Sorry if I'm saying something just stupid to you.

I'm really sorry for your loss, mom's angel. I know there is nothing that will make you feel less desperate. I know the feeling that from now on, nobody will know how you actually feel. I too lost my mom not so long ago, 3 months in 2 days. I'm 28 and she was 47, so not so different from you. It's so unfair that we lost them so young. So many experiences in life that were stolen from us! I have to say that for like 2 days I couldn't even look at very old people because I was completely jealous of them and just started crying. I think it's not good to not talk about it, so try to find several people that can listen to you. I've found good comfort at couple of friends that also had a big loss in their life. You may find that some people are insensitive, but now I see that some just don't realise how horrible is what we're going through, others just think they're doing their best if they don't speak about your mom, so they don't upset you. Also, I think it's not good to completely bury yourself on tons of things to do, but try to do some things that will keep you unfocused on this big loss for couple of minutes. I imagine how difficult it is, because I just keep seeing connections on everything... I really admire you for being able to go to your exam. That was good, but don't force yourself too much. You need some time. About signs...I also haven't had any...or perhaps I did... I had a nice dream where I could seriously feel her hug and perfume. I don't remember the whole conversation, but in the end I asked her to stay with me and she told me to just think about her. Then I woke up. If this was a real thing, think that your mom with you. And still loves you, of course. The bond we have with our moms will never disappear. Since we're younger, we'll have less memories with them than others, so I'm thinking about starting a diary to write whenever I feel like with a memory from our time together. What do you think? Perhaps then one day when/if we have children, they can read it and know the amazing women our mom ARE. Lots of love, Deb

Thank you kayc. Newnormal, sorry for taking so long to reply to you and really want to keep in touch. I was trying to busy myself... and got it, but at time I break down. Fortunately, I have my fiancée, who really tries his best to take care of me during this period. Well, I might say it's not really a period, right? This is forever now. I know everyone says it's going to feel easier with time, but it will be there forever. I read this http://groknation.com/faith/grief-are-you-there/ from Mayim Bialik and find it very true. I want to know how you're doing. Have you realised that none of this is your fault? I've read in another thread what happened and I truly believe it's not yours or his fault at all. We always think it will never happen to ourselves, even when we search, check and search and check again. Besides, you never had all information available to you, you only found full results when it was not needed anymore. We just realised too late that my grandfather also passed away when he was 36 and that we should monitor that, although recent exams cleared her. What are your thoughts on that after some time has passed? How is to live in your new house? Have you found a way to make it your home? Do you have a way to keep doing things you both did together at your home? I think it's good that it is close to your daughter. I can't imagine leaving my father alone, so I like the thought that at least my brother is half hour away from him and not 14 hours flight like me. By the way, how is your son doing? How are both of them doing, actually? And how are your plans to go to Yellowstone? My father is coming to visit me next week and will be staying for 20 days. It will be his first time on this part here and I'm planning some short trips with him and my fiancée. But I have to say that a part of me feel guilty to have him here and have Christmas with him. He'll meet my boyfriend's parents, thing that my mom never will do. He will see where I have been the past 4 years and she won't. My mom has a great heart and I know she'd be happy for him, she knows how much he loves to travel, but that's just how I feel. I always felt weird in this kind of situation and for lack of better translation from my mother tong I'll say I feel guilty. I also feel guilty for getting married 2 months from now. I wanted to postpone it, but my father and brother asked me to keep the date. They said that this is the date she knows and she'll come. It's not about deposits, as this is not how it works in my country, we could just easily have moved the date. But how can I be happy that day? How can I enjoy? My fiancée is the most amazing person and I truly love him and want to marry him, but how can I go on that day? How can I be a mother one day? My mom really wanted grandkids. I have a question to you as a mother. Even when your children are not so nice, can you see they love you? You'll probably say yes, but I just feel so sad it was not every day that I spoke to my mom. She was recovering from a long lasting depression and sometimes when I spoke to her was just "are you trying to go for a walk?, "are you eating well?", things like that. The last half year we were speaking only about very trivial things, not like when I was living in the city nearby. I was the kind of daughter that always wrote long love letters on special occasions, but on everyday life I was not doing so well lately. Of course I said that love her every time we spoke, but I now feel that that's not enough. I know it might sound stupid because we all wish for that, but I just wished for more. A big warm loving hug to you and both your children.

I'm sorry for your loss Stacey. I can relate a bit to you (although I know that each experience is different), as my mom passed away at age 47, just 3 months ago, from a heart attack and no heart problem history. I too live in a different country across the ocean and only stayed with my father and brother for a month. I guess grief is something very lonely. Even when I was back home with the rest of my family I felt I was alone. I feel alone back to where I live even though I have my fiance to support me. I think the only thing that would make us feel not alone is to have our moms back. It hurts so much that this is not possible!! I also feel horrible when people ask me how I'm doing or others that just seem to completely have forgotten. We wish the world would stop and give us time to heal, but that is also not possible. What do I do? I speak everyday to my mom, tell her how much I miss her, sometimes buy flowers and lit candles. But also try to distract myself. I've started a language course, I'm cooking a lot and try to watch lots of movies and series with easy. This might not be right, this might not be your way...unfortunately I imagine there is no recipe. I also don't feel ok yet. Probably I didn't help, I don't have very inspirational things to share as it's also very recent for me, but I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who can understand what you're feeling and if you need to talk, let me know. And btw, that is a very nice picture of you and your mom.