UPON the WINGS of THE WIND on the eve of a cool winter's nite a storm silently blew through my door. without any warning, a tornado ripped out my heart. yet, there was an eerie silence until someone's scream pierced my ears. I thought I recognized this scream as my own; yet, I uttered no sound. a deep guttural moan was all I felt. changed forever, without forewarning, the scream pierced my heart again. yet, my son lay still on our kitchen floor. what a curious place to nap. yet, again, when I shook him, to awaken him, he never opened his eyes. a ghostly look on his angelic face. a mysterious color to his skin. furiously, I shook him, but to no avail. desperately, furiously, I tried breathing lifeforece into his lungs. I breathed so hard I thought I would blow his internal self out. he didn't move. he never moved again on his own. from the crown of his head a serene blue-white bolt drifted outward and upward. he was gone. ajourney, unknown, unfamiliar, had begun. a fate was occurring that I would awaken from. a dull darkness began to seep in before my eyes. I fought. turn on the lights, someone. God, where was God? never, though, was I to leave this nightmare. a spectral of myself sat beside my son, not knowing Life was changed forever. theparamedics told me, "your son is dead." I argued. screaming 'save him' they shook their heads. a paralytic numbness permeated my being. I begged God. this was a mistake. ...now, I stand on a spiritual perimeter on the wings of the wind. written by self, kat dodd. 8/2015 I really don't know where or how to start on this 'healing site'. when I wrote this my son had been dead for 6 1/2 years. the words spilled forth about 3 a.m. one morning when I awoke from a dream. I believe this is when I realized that I had finally began to live a life again. my life. the first 2 years, after J.R.'s death, hubby and I were in darkness. totally unfamiliar with ourselves, with one another, and certainly the 'outside' world. after ending up suicidal and admitted to a hospital, I began attending a grief group. this is when I found I was far from being alone. after two more years, and finally making peace with God, an unusual growth within began. my son, J.R., died at 25 yrs. old, suddenly from an enlarged heart unknown to us. I never realized that the only thing I had left to do was to learn how to live again. to learn my identity. what a monumental journey this has been. I am forever grateful for that handful of people at that grief group that accepted hubby and myself. I never believed 'time would heal all wounds'. I still do not. the wound will forever exist. it is just different. I have learned about Life in ways that I never would have without this tragedy. J.R was our only child. how I miss him so very much. and, still, after almost 7 years,at times I wait for him to walk through the front door. just a phone call, maybe. but, J.R. is safe. he is not in this world. my hope is that God has His merciful arms wrapped tightly around him. I still attend my grief group. I facilitate once a month. but, even though I have grown so much, I know I have much more growth coming. for 1 1/2 yrs. now, I have had horrific dreams. I write several down. it seems the dreams are pieces of my past life that I need to see in order to know what to move forward with and what to leave behind. I am in the process of rebuilding myself. I am a very different person than I was. I don't know which 'forum' to go to find others who are on this journey. yes, I have certainly grown. but, like I said, I feel there is so much more coming. thank you for taking the time to read this. any and all ideas, opinions, suggestions on what to do with myself will be appreciated. I havecome to terms with what I will call the 'simple things' such as 'never any grandchild', never watching my son's future. there remains a void within, albeit so much smaller than in the beginning of this journey. thanks.
