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enna

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About enna

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 12/05/1942

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Goodyear, AZ
  • Interests
    Spending time with family and friends and reading.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    May 25, 2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of the Valley - Phoenix

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  1. The above webinar hosted by Drs Gloria and Heidi Horsley from Open to Hope with guest Debbie Rambis from Compassionate Friends reminding us again how we can get through the holidays by following some suggestions. * If you have young children try to keep the holiday for them * Accept a holiday invitation but let a friend know that you might have to take a break so the friend can let everyone know you are all right * If there is a toast before a dinner include everyone, not just the one who is gone * Start a new tradition – make a wreath with some of your loved one’s favorite things on it or light a special candle or make a special ornament to add to the tree * Find a way to give – there are many * Don’t assume that people know what you want – ask for help * Exercise – grief can get trapped in our bodies – go for a walk * Rest the mind before bedtime – work a puzzle * Remember to breathe – there’s an app called CALM – it’s wonderful * Laugh – it has the same effect as crying * Don’t isolate yourself – keep some social connections * Have self-compassion – hugs are good * Focus on the positive – it helps rather than being negative * Don’t drink or use drugs – it will not help Open to Hope is a good place to find helpful information as you work on your grief. Compassionate Friends is also a good group – they have closed groups that you can join that focus on each type of loss This webinar was recorded and will be available for viewing at a later date Here's the replay of the webinar.
  2. It saddens me that you had to send this message out to us, Marty. It is not easy to ask for money and most of us know how important a website like this is. I’m sure none of us thinks about what it costs to keep a site like this one up and running. I think as difficult as it is to ask for donations it’s good to remind us that donations are necessary to keep the site free from ads and pay for the use of a URL. Many who are grieving probably don’t even see a donate button. I have visited many sites that are so full of ads that I don’t even know what the topics are supposed to be. When I first came to this website it was after my husband died and it was under the direction of Hospice of the Valley in Arizona but due to lay-offs this site was no longer sponsored by HOV and since the site was Marty’s dream she decided to buy it and keep it running because she knew how important it was to people who are grieving. Others told me that those who came here understood that those of us grieving would always have someone here who listened. It has been so. I think the purpose of the GHDG website is to share with others and that to me was having a place to come for support in my grieving. That is why there have always been suggestions to help us move through our losses. It is a place to share what we are learning about grief. We have to read about grief. We have to hear what others have learned about grief. We have to not only be sensitive to what others are going through but to share what we are learning. It doesn’t make any difference what kind of a loss ~ a loss is a loss. Our lives have changed and we have to learn how to live with the changes. Sharing how we do that helps us ~ letting one another know how we are doing or not doing is the first step but it can’t be all that we do. Since there is no time limit on grief we each move forward at our own pace. The first years we are consumed with just coming to terms with the loss. After that, we begin to look for ways to accept that our losses cannot be reversed. We find ways that work for us and share those things with others. Some of those things could be rituals, journal writings, a significant quote or song or article we have read ~ anything that has helped works. Some are creative and write poetry or create iMovies focusing on the good memories of the ones we have lost or spending time coloring. Others have taken up gardening or cooking or even sewing. We cannot focus on our grief 24/7 so it is healthy to have something that will give us some peace. 🙂
  3. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    Wednesday, November 28, 2018 Winter's Light (Advent and Hanukkah begin on Dec. 2 this year.) When the year’s shadows are heaviest, when nights become long and cold, when feelings of self-doubt, despair, and death draw near, we light candles to push back the darkness that surrounds us. The light of stars, the roaring bonfires, the calm flames of candles remind us of people we’ve loved, dreams we’ve followed over the years, and the guidance of wise teachers. They call us to reclaim what stirs our passions, what brings us energy and meaning. They challenge us to care for those among us for whom the light has grown dim. The flickering of the flames tonight draws us out of our normal preoccupations to focus on this moment. We set aside the burdens of life and let our hearts fill with light and with compassion for others, because when the light comes, it comes for all. Each night I light a candle and let dreams return that I have put off for too long. People find renewal of their faith in this dark season. Many use lights in their rituals of remembrance and rededication, like Christian candlelight services, Jewish Hanukkah, Hindu Diwali, and the African American celebration of community in Kwanzaa. We celebrate the message, waiting beneath the holiday decorations, that despite the trauma of what has happened this year — bad jobs, no jobs, lost homes, struggles with health, the death of loved ones, the unrest in society — hope is not gone. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, glad news will come that we do not expect, the miraculous will happen, if we do not give in to despair and we work to keep the fires burning. Some will return to the rituals of ancient traditions to find a fresh breath of spirit. Others will find renewal outdoors, surrounded by mountains and forests. We will feel part of something greater than our individual lives, and stand in awe of nature’s majesty rising up above us. Although grief has pulled our lives apart, the transcendence of nature tells us that one day we will be okay. In a couple of weeks, the Winter Solstice will signal the turning of winter back toward spring. Before then, in the movement of the natural world, the long hours of darkness encourage us to slow our rushing through the day to move at the meandering pace of the creeks. We feel the Presence of life around us as we watch the light glow on the top of the mountains, and reclaim the connection between our lives and the Spirit of creation. The darkness does not do away with the light but completes it, just as grief completes our understanding of love. The Sierra peaks in Yosemite will give little hint that they have noticed the sun’s subtle shift back towards the Northern Hemisphere, but Half Dome will hold the day’s light a bit longer. Down in the valley, along the Merced River as it winds through the meadows in its winter clothing, the ouzel, John Muir’s favorite bird, swims under the water, hops up and down in the rapids, and sings its song of joy to the day’s fleeting warmth. May you find a place this holiday season where the sacred fire in your heart is rekindled. Posted by Mark Liebenow
  4. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    "The holiday seasons add an extra measure of pain to people already bearing more than they can, more than they should ever have to. There is the empty seat at the table, the heaviness of all the ways the one you love is missing, traditions that have gone flat, smacking against the empty place. Death, illness, and massive life events – they all sour the season in ways those outside your loss can’t understand. Whether you’ve always loved the holidays or avoided them as best you could, the first several seasons after a loss or big life event can well and truly suck. So many people want to make this a “good” holiday for you…part of your family wants traditions to stay exactly the same, others want to change everything. Conflicting desires, broken hearts, lots of attention when you’d rather just hide in your blanket fort until the whole thing is over – it’s too much. Given that this season is going to be rough, how will you survive? Say no a lot. Really. Other people will tell you should say yes to things, get out more, be social. You know what? No. If “being social” gives you the hives, why on earth would you do that? Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You can say, “no, thank you” if you must say more. Choose your gatherings. If you do choose to attend something holiday-ish, choose wisely. Sometimes a big crowd is easier than a small one because you can slip out unnoticed, as you need to. While a small gathering might have been most comfortable in your life before, those intimate things can feel more like a crucible now, with people watching to see how you’re doing. Find companionship, or find ways to be alone-together with others. Musical offerings, candlelight meditations or services — check those little local newspapers and see what’s going on in your community. A fantastic place to be alone-together with people who really get grief is the Writing Your Grief community. We’ve always got room for you: https://www.refugeingrief.com/30daywriting/ Volunteer. The first Thanksgiving after Matt died, I volunteered in the local soup kitchen. It was an “acceptable” reason for not attending family obligations, and also a way I could serve others in my own quiet way. Have a plan. Before you go to a party or an event, be sure to make your exit plan clear — with yourself. Give yourself an out, whether that is a specific time limit or an emotional cue that lets you know it’s time to go. Stick to your plan. Check in with yourself. This is true not just for events and gatherings, but for every single moment of life: check in with yourself. Take just a minute to breathe, one good inhale/exhale, and ask yourself how you’re doing. Ask yourself what you need. It may be that the piped-in Christmas carols at the grocery store are just too much. Maybe you need to leave now — just abandon that cart in the aisle. Or maybe you feel like you can push through, so you put your emotional blinders on and sing yourself some other song to blot out the noise. Give yourself what you need at that moment. Which brings me to my favorite anytime-not-just-the-holidays tip: LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT. Please remember that this is your life. You do not have to do anything that feels bad or wrong or horrifying. Even if you agreed to participate in something, you can change your mind at any time. Stop whatever you’re doing whenever you want. The holidays are going to hurt, my friend. That is just reality. Whether you are missing someone who should be part of the festivities, or you are missing someone who shared your love of quiet acknowledgement over raucous partying, this season will add some to your grief. Companion yourself. Care for yourself. Listen. Reach out where it feels good to reach, curl in when that is what you need. Make this season as much of a comfort to you as you can."
  5. enna

    Music That Soothes Me

    Reflect on the simple gifts...this is a favorite of mine.
  6. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    Being grateful on this Thanksgiving Day.
  7. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    Just in time for Thanksgiving... https://whatsyourgrief.com/surviving-thanksgiving-6-tips-for-grievers/
  8. enna

    Significant Quotes

    Emptiness
  9. enna

    Articles Worth Reading

    Wednesday, November 14, 2018 I Thou Grief What we think about grief depends upon whether we’ve been inside the Theatre of the Absurd or we’re still standing on the street trying to look cool, wanting/not wanting to sneak in. We can observe someone crying, overcome with emotions, face wet with tears, hands clenching and unclenching, and know what grief looks like. We can classify grief as a species and study its genomes, watching how it interacts with other species like anger, despair, love, and hate. We can talk about grief as a philosophical concept, especially existentialism because our human existence no longer seems to have any meaning or purpose. We can speak about grief’s linguistic gymnasium where we tumble through words searching for those that are sharp enough to express profound, personal trauma. We can study grief as a cultural phenomenon and gather information on how our society deals with the death of its members, and how it helps, and hinders, the return to normal life. We can read the ancient mythologies and learn how people in prescientific times shaped their fears of the unknown into landscapes of metaphors and stories of myths to explain the randomness of death. We can divide grief into different psychological types of personal loss—spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, pet—and discuss which factors foster recovery and which ones compound the difficulties. We can defuse, negate, and analyze our own grief so completely that we understand what’s happening and why, but neglect to face our feelings of anger and loss and lose our joy for living. To grieve honestly is to enter into a relationship. Grief is not a concept to grasp or a puzzle to figure out. It’s a journey of heart we take through a wilderness. Death is not the thing with feathers. Death comes bearing bricks, and when it arrives we need to develop a relationship with grief because grief is going to be our guide. If we open ourselves to grief and move with its tide as it flows in and out, we will stop seeing grief as an abstract concept and experience it as presence. Grieving is emotion and verb; the thing itself, and the thing that never can be named. Grief will no longer be what happens to other people. It will be what walks alongside us through the trauma and connects us to something larger than ourselves. If we face grief with courage, if we accept life’s hard realities, we will experience the silence beyond understanding, find hope to go on and experience grace. As we converse with grief, it moves from being an It to being a close friend. We develop an I-Thou relationship with each other, a relationship of listening, sharing, and trust. inspired by Martin Buber’s I and Thou Posted by Mark Liebenow
  10. How to Thrive this Holiday Season Once again another good webinar hosted by Dr. Gloria Horsley, Dr. Heidi Horsley, and Alan Pedersen Some ideas shared that I found interesting: When at a gathering and you want to leave – download the Uber App ahead of time so you can leave if you need to without breaking up the gathering Accept an invitation with a definite “ok now” but I might feel different on the day Rituals are important – light a candle or go for a walk or spend time in nature “Pain is with us because we have loved” If you’re going to be alone – find someone else who will be alone and volunteer If you don’t feel like making a holiday dinner – compromise - go out to eat At a dinner toast everyone, not just the one who died Share stories about the one who died but don’t make them the center Believe that your perspective will change – you will have joy again Every year Hospice of the Valley in Arizona has a special community remembrance of our loved ones who died. It is called Light Up a Life. We can submit a photo of our loved one or bring a photo and display it on a special table and during the ceremony the photos are flashed on a big screen as candles are lit. It is good to gather with those who have lost a loved one. The times I have attended I always came away feeling better.
  11. enna

    Changes I'm Making

    Something a few of us are doing as a continued part of our grief journey. The book is by Jan Warner and it is called Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Loss. I share it here only as one way (a ritual) to cope with day to day living with the loss of someone or our fur babies. It is another way to honor our pain. I do not suggest this for those in the first years of loss. Just like there is no wrong way to grieve so is there no wrong way to use this book. Take a look inside and see if it might be something you’d be interested in…This book might also be added to our Grief Bibliographies, Marty.
  12. Thinking of you and holding you close, Katie. One small step forward...💜
  13. So glad you are home and with the boys, Katie. Sending love and hugs. 💜
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