WolfsKat

Flew up to Michigan for a week, attended my family's belated Christmas Party....we congregate at a rental facility as just too dang many of us.  Being up there solidified my feelings that the right thing to do, for me, is to move back to be near them all, especially my grandgirls.  I've given my current landlord my moving out date (end of March) and am packing/sorting. It's rather scary, in a way.....but I think this does show "progress", that I am able to think of a new life?  It's a step, and in the right direction, I hope!  Pic of me opening my "Dirty Santa" gift (it's a game, of sorts) at the get-together....I actually had a good time....laughed and did not feel "guilty" about it!

On 1/14/2017 at 7:19 PM, Marg M said:

 (Sorry guys on this forum, I honestly was hoping we would have some true blue loving men like you have been, but maybe it is a southern country redneck thing that prevails in these parts...........again, it could be because they are Baptists)  Sorry Kay, I had to throw that one in. 

Marg..........you are a pistol!!!!  I enjoy so many of your posts, you are definitely one of a kind!  And I mean that in a GOOD way.....I love your no-nonsense outlook and your blunt way of speaking!!!!   xo Kat

2 hours ago, olemisfit said:

In life and death, there always seems to be a price for everything. I sure do miss that wife of mine. Everyday.

I'm about at the same place as you as to time alone.......I know I have "improved", but still a very long road to trek ahead.  I, too, have trouble just "doing"....I KNOW I have tasks to accomplish.....but can sit & stare off for hours, seemingly.  I think we just have to accept that this will be a difficult journey....but have hope that we will come to a place where we are at peace, and perhaps even happy again.  Best wishes to you, Darrel

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 

Darell,

These may soon be available for purchase at Amazon:

Presenting "The Marty" Blankee .

 

Mitch............I DID, literally, 
LOL at this!!!  Thanks for a happy moment!!!!

I think we've all felt this way......

Marg.....you don't "forget".......it's just that the loss of our "other half" is the cruelest grief to bear, I think.  I lost my brother, then my Mum within months of one another, and the grief was huge....then in the same year, I lost my beloved husband Connor......and THIS loss was the one that brought me to my knees!!!!  I could bear the loss of brother/mother because I had Connor to comfort me and uplift me.  And while we love our family members, usually they are not a part of our day to day life like a mate is.....we can lose a parent and still not be alone.....when we lose our mates, for many of us.....we are now very alone, perhaps for the first time in our lives!

39 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Good luck wolfskat!!! I am glad you will have family closer....

Ab3..I think we all do..

Someone else said something about waking up with enthusiasm for the day....that would be nice.......

I do no have that ....... Hope to again someday,

Marie

Marie.......while you may not have enthusiasm for a new day......(yet)....you DO write "Hope to again someday".  This is good......hope is good.....I note that you do NOT say that it is hopeless to ever again have that.......hugs to you!

Darrel, that story about how you could talk forever on the phone while you were apart made me smile!  Before Connor could finally move here to Florida (he was living in TX), we burned up the phone lines, so to speak!  I remember one time alone, that the phone call lasted just about 7 hours!!!  And, oh yeah.....VERY happy to have "unlimited minutes" on the cell!  Online, on the phone, and finally "in person", Connor and I never seemed to run out of things to talk about.....we truly loved one another's conversation and company.......and THAT is what makes the loss so much more difficult to bear, I think?  The one person who I was so totally bonded to that they were like an extension of "me".....the only person with whom I relished every moment with, never tiring of them.....and...."gone".  Surrounding myself now, with people, forcing myself to socialize when it was never in my makeup to begin with, would not help. As you quoted, "To thine own self be true".....exactly!  Hoping you are finding comfort and companionship in this forum, and praying that 2017 will prove to be a year of healing for you!

I'm still very much in the "Need for solitude" group.......I have enough "socializing" at work, dealing w/people all day long! I love it when I can spend my days off just being alone (well, with my 2 furbrats!) and not having to leave the home for anything. But, then again, I've always been something of a hermit....not anti-social, I tell others, just "selectively social".  Some worry that this is due to grief alone....and, while that it, at times IS a small portion of it, I am simply living the life I prefer.  Connor and I always said we were hermits together.....very attuned to one another, and each not feeling a big need for social interaction, we were very happy with our own company!  I can go out on occasion and be very happy in the company of others, interact and enjoy....but I do not "need" it.  But, still.....some think that my view is "wrong" and that it means that I am not "dealing" with my loss......I've quite given up on trying to dissuade them!

33 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Learning how to live again.....a bit different ....than before ...a daily struggle...

Marie.....definitely true!  I feel that is akin to being suddenly thrown into an alien existence...where suddenly nothing feels secure, safe or normal. Our lives are now irrevocably changed.....cast adrift in a sea of grief.  It's been a bit over a year for me.....and while I can see that I've made "progress"......it IS still a daily struggle to go on and find a way to make a new life that I might want to live in.  Baby steps....one day at a time....and being my own best cheerleader in this journey.  I no longer actively wish (at at times did court the concept) to die, just in the hope of instant reunification. I have made concrete plans to simplify my life and return to my hometown, to be close to my family again. I need them, and it seems they need me, as well. In whatever time I've left on this plane, I hope to still be able to provide some happiness in other's lives, and feel a sense of purpose......it can all be rather daunting, especially when at an age that most would think to be quite comfortably "settled"....to re-invent my life all over again.  But I struggle on....so I must have some faith/hope left in me?

1 hour ago, AB3 said:

Before I lost the love of my life I always pondered this question..."is there life after death?" I want to believe that there is especially now. I'm just hoping that he still lives on somewhere and that he isn't truly just gone. A few hours after he died I received a text message from him. Crazy right? The message read "I miss u" I want to believe that it was a sign from him....I mean could it have been? Or am I just holding on to false hope? 

I wholeheartedly believe that there IS........I've had experiences myself, and have heard of countless others who have rec'd "verifications". 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Just sharing from your heart the way you have, is helping others.

Darrel, I second what Kay wrote!!!  I think ALL of us are able to "help"....even if it is just by letting another know they are NOT alone in this....that someone else "gets" us.....and you do that!  I think many of us learn from one another, here.....and I think you have a lot of wisdom to impart!  Best wishes!

30 minutes ago, AB3 said:

Does anybody else feel like they're in one long nightmare that never seems to end? Everyday I feel like I'm in a daze...like this cannot possibly be reality. I go to sleep and wake up constantly reliving the pain, realizing that my best friend and soulmate is gone....really gone. Days seem to drift together and honestly I feel out of touch with reality and the world in general. Nothing feels real to me anymore just a dream I can't seem to wake up from.

What you describe is VERY real.....and something that so many of us have experienced, especially in the early weeks/months.  It is like living in a fog of grief that obliterates all else in your life....I know that I felt dazed/confused/detached....just going through the motions.  It was very hard to concentrate on anything, I'd forget simple things....everything seemed to be "too much" to deal with...even something as common as bringing in the morning paper....I'd sit and stare for hours at a time. Marty is correct....you need to be very patient with yourself, and very kind, as well.....you've endured a major shock and loss. Check out the many articles that Marty has provided links to on this site....I found so many of them to be helpful.  Keep coming back here to both read posts and to write your own, as well.  This is a "community" of caring souls who very much "get" what you are dealing with.  We can't  "fix" this.....but we will listen, understand, and encourage you as you deal with losing your beloved. I hope to see you post again, soon......please take care and know you are not alone!

Dear Patty

Love the picture.....you can just see the pure happiness in your faces!!!  I am so glad that you made the long journey "home"....knowing how hard it would be without Ron at your side, but knowing that you needed to go, as well.  There is some comfort to be found in traditions, I suppose that's why most have them.  And, yes, I DO believe that Ron was there, with you......as this all had meant so much to him, as well, how could he NOT be there?  I think his "gift" to you would be his assurance that he is still with you, and that he knew that your desperate hope to save him was borne of your great love for him....even if he "knew", perhaps he did not want to add to your pain and fear.....that would be from his love for you, to spare you as much pain as he could, while he could. The holidays, especially the "firsts", are very painful for so many of us now......here's hoping that we will someday be able to feel joy in them again!  Hugs, Kat

Yesterday, on Christmas....I continued a tradition that Connor & I had started a few years back.  Having decided that each thought the other "gift" enough, we did not gift one another, instead, we would make up "Random act of kindness" packets......in a ziploc, we would have an anonymous Christmas card, written in it a wish for a happy Christmas, blessings, and good luck.....along with scratch off lottery tickets.....along w/the card in the ziploc, would put in holiday candy.....and on the ziploc would put a sticker tag simply stating, "FOR YOU!" in bold letters.  Then we'd drive about, surreptitiously placing them where they'd be found....often taping them to gas station pumps. We truly enjoyed this, and hoped someone won big.....and that at least they'd get a smile when they found one!  Then we'd go out for dinner, usually to a favorite Chinese restaurant.  So, I did that this year.....now in his memory.....but just got take-out at the restaurant and brought it home.  Alone for the first time for Christmas this year.....but 1st and last time, moving back "home" next year and will be with my family!

1 hour ago, Finch said:

Still have some unopened gifts from her from last year. Don't want to open them. Want to keep them frozen in time.

Dear Finch.......I hope, in time, that you'll find yourself able to open her last gifts to you.  Perhaps one, or more, of them will be something that you would cherish in her memory, and receive a small measure of comfort from?  If I'd "left gifts behind", so to speak....I'd wish for the recipient to open them.....just my personal feeling, of course. Wishing you comfort and hope in the coming New Year!

34 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 My Billy left on October 17, 2015.

Marg, I see that you lost your Billy very close to the date I lost my Connor....he crossed over on October 21, 2015......but the 16th was the day he went into a coma he never came out of.  This has been a hell.....but, as you say, we are still here.

51 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

I'm surprised I haven't broken my TV remote control by now with all the switching channels I've been doing as soon as I see a certain commercial or show that I know is going to bring me to tears (which doesn't take much these days).  I still can't listen to music without crying either, so I guess we are not alone in these feelings. 

Joyce

 

Joyce.....THAT certainly resonated with me!!!  I very rarely deviate from a few channels......a cooking one and an all-news one, or a PBS one, more for the "noise" than wanting to watch......never was big on TV, but can't stand to see the shows my Connor liked a lot (unlike me, he liked to watch TV)......or watch all the holiday stuff, since I will be alone this year and it intensifies my loneliness.  Maybe this is escapism, and maybe it's wrong, but I'm still going to do that for as long as I feel the need.  Also, despite having loved music all of my life, I find it VERY hard to hear any song that Connor and I liked in common.  Early in our relationship (online) we each "shared" a song, via e-mail to one another daily, that we loved and made us think of the other....with a link to it on YouTube.....might sound rather odd, but I loved it, and it is a wonderful memory. Many of those songs were played at our wedding reception.....and lastly at his memorial service.  If I hear them now......instant pain & tears.  My love for music now seems to be another thing stolen from me in grief.  I hope perhaps with (lots) of time.....I'll be able to hear the songs.....and smile.  But seems impossible at this time!

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

And Kat, I have hijacked your very good news post.  I am sorry because we all need good news.

Marg, not at all!!!!  It would be great if everyone could post a bit of "good news".......even small things.....we all need something to feel good about, and maybe reminders that good things can still happen to us!  Heck, sometimes I'm happy to find a quarter on the sidewalk....gotta try to keep looking for even little things that are "good news"!

Thanks, everyone!!!  It's so great to have some happy news, for a change! I won't be on Easy Street.....but will have enough for the basics covered okay.....luckily for me, my wants/needs are fairly modest, and I'm excellent at frugality.....and this so frees me up with my move, I can live anywhere I wish, rather than having to find a place near a Walmart that would accept my job transfer!  Financial worries have burdened me since Connor's passing......and I know many of you understand that.....hard to deal with at a time when our loss is bad enough!  I'd do a happy dance if my arthritic knees would let me!   I'd much rather have my Connor back than any of this......but I know he's happy for me!

I just had very good news.....I had my final Social Security appointment, and will start widow benefits in January, all paperwork done & DONE!  I'd figured I'd have to keep slogging along, eventually part time, at my job, although it has become increasingly difficult, both physically and emotionally.....until I reached full retirement age.  But!  I received a notice from my ex-husband's pension provider that I would be getting a percentage of his retirement pension, per the court order at our divorce in 2004.  I had, literally, forgotten all about it.....all I wanted at that time was to NOT be married to him, and paid little mind to the terms of the divorce!  I sent them my new address, and banking information, and they said that the "actuary" would notify me of the monthly (for life!) amount.  I figured it would amount to a hill of beans, if I were lucky, maybe as much as a hundred bucks a month, and did not think more on it.  Anyway....I received the letter....and (good thing I was sitting down!) was floored to find that the monthly payments will be enough (combined with my widow's benefit) to enable me to QUIT my current job!  In fact, the 1st payment had already been electronically deposited!  I will finish out this year at work, and will still work part time January until the end of March....but then, I am done!  I can still earn up to $9,000.00 a year, but I will look for a part-time job I truly would enjoy once I move back to Michigan in late April/early May!  It may not seem like a lot to many folks, but, for me, this is like winning a lottery!  My Connor would (and, I think, IS) be SO SO SO happy for me......he hated Walmart, having worked there himself for years, and had so wished I could quit them!  This certainly gives me some financial peace of mind, and a bit of hope for better days than I've had since I lost him!

4 hours ago, Brad said:

Over the past week I run into a few of Deedo's friends whom I have not seen since she got sick. I've chatted with all of them and yet not a single one has asked how I am coping or acknowledged that she is gone. We live in a culture that does not know how to deal with death. 

Brad, I've experienced this, as well. I think that they are afraid to refer to your loss in any way, sometimes, in fear that this will "upset" you, and you might become emotional in front of them (and then that would make them "uncomfortable"). Unfortunately.....this is all too common.  I've had coworkers avoid me when I returned to work......one told a friend of mine "I'm just not good with that stuff"....presumably referring to having to speak to a person who has had a loss. It is hard enough going through this without some treating you like a pariah. So sad, when a simple "This has to be so hard for you, I'm so sorry" would suffice.

A lot of love surrounding you!!!  And, I am sure, that Richard was with you in spirit......((((hugs))))

Definitely a hard experience for you, Robin!  It is SO hard when we do not receive the validation we feel is our "due", especially when the lack thereof comes from a person who SHOULD be kind, supportive, and understanding!  All we can do is pity them for their lack of understanding......accept what little they may have to offer......and realize that this is beyond their capabilities.  Just have to come to a place of acceptance, and peace with the fact that they will never be what we would wish them to be....it can inure one to letting them have the "power" to hurt us!