WolfsKat

Maybe these are not HUGE 
positives"..........but, especially in the days of early grief......these can indeed be cause to feel you've done something positive!

14 hours ago, Finch said:

It just seems that whatever I find out, whatever new information I uncover, it's never enough. I need to know more. I have this desire to know everything I possibly can.

Dear Finch.....given your situation, I think that nothing, ever, will be "enough" for you.......no replacement for actually having shared a physical life with Crystal.  It might become an obsession that will prevent you from continuing to live your life as best you can.  I imagine that with her gone, and all of your dreams and hopes for a life with her shattered.....that you are frantic to gather all of the "pieces" of her that you can, hungry for every detail, knowing that there will be no more chances at fresh memories of her.  I believe that, of course, Crystal does indeed, know of your message to her, and so much more you'd have wished to convey.......she "knows" all of this, now....and I cannot help but feel that she'd not wish for you to torment yourself over such things.....she knew you were with her in your heart and mind, and she felt your love for her, always, even at the end of her physical life here.  No answer you could get from her friend who relayed your message would ease your feelings, totally......if there had been a significant response, she would've said as much?  No such response to your message would not be negating her love for you....she may have been unable at that time, too close to the end.....but rest assured, she surely felt your emotions, and carried your love with her on her final journey on this earth. I hope that you can find that enough...and not torment yourself over not being there!  

Kevin, I was sent that, by my daughter, just a few days after Connor crossed over.............it does speak to me. From what I've read (extensively of late)...is that time, as we know it, does not exist on the "otherside"....they await us, and to them, it is but a few moments.  It would explain a lot.....perhaps, (and I am not a deep thinker on this subject) we, the ones left behind, have yet a purpose to fulfill.....not for ourselves, perhaps, but for another, mayhap.........it is a mystery, and shall ever be, until we can also cross over and know what is beyond this plane of existence.  Hopefully, it will all make perfect sense!  All I know is that I feel that I DO have something left to accomplish here.....that Connor would wish me to......and that I perform this in a better state of mind than I think I have left in me.......that is the "gist" of it, I hope this makes some sense!

23 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

AMEN to that!!!!  I'd probably be suicidal, or at least slightly deranged, if it were not for this forum!  Blessings abundant for Marty!!!!

On 9/20/2016 at 4:08 PM, MartyT said:

Oh Kat, I'm so sorry. Unfortunately suicide is a word that frightens people, especially when they know nothing about the normal grief process. This is why I think it's so important to "educate" the public (including family and friends) about what is normal in grief. If ever you need to do so, please feel free to copy and print out an article or two to share with these few family members/friends (such as Thoughts of Suicide in Grief) ~ and let the article do the talking on your behalf. This can be a simple, indirect way of reassuring others that your reactions are normal, you're not a danger to yourself, and you're not crazy. All you have to say is something like this: "I know you're worried about me after what I shared with you. Here. Please read this. It helps to explain what I was trying to tell you."  ♥

Thank you, Marty.......I have done just that!  Hopefully, they will worry less about me!!!

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 In the real world one has to be careful as people get freaked out by the depths of this.

Gwen, that is so very true!!!  I made the mistake of confiding to a few family members/friends that I had seriously considered suicide, in the early days, to the extent of researching methods that would appear to be an accident so that my kids would get the life insurance.....whoa. BIG mistake!  Although I assured them that I was past those dark emotions.....that it was not unheard of to HAVE this feeling....some still worry that I will do myself in, and think I have a mental issue, and should be "watched" !!!  They do NOT "get it"......this horrible business of grief......what they consider "abnormal" is very much normal....as I've learned here!

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I re-visited all the posts in this forum just now, and it occurs to me that calling your attention to  this particular article might be appropriate to include in this particular thread, since it speaks so well to what we are about on this site. (Even if you read it when it first appeared over a year ago, I think it is worth another look): In Grief: Ashamed to Share Negative Feelings in An Online Forum  ♥

Marty......THANK you for this.  This letter could've been written by me.......and, yes, there have been times where all I can do is just read posts, not posting myself, because my mood/emotions were dark, despairing and depressing.....and I thought, why post stuff that might depress others even more, especially "newbies" to this forum?

Why, hello, Janka!!!!  It is good to see you post once again......I have missed seeing your posts!!!  I hope that you are well, and getting along okay?  

Hello, Peter.........while I welcome you, I am so sorry for the reason you join us!  There are great folks here who truly understand....and Marty has many resources available to you via links, as well, I hope that you will take some time to look into them!  This IS a very (VERY) stressful time for you....how could it not be?  I do hope that your physician will be able to assist with that issue, and that you might find some solace and support in the spousal group meeting.  And, please come back and let us know how you are doing........we cannot make your pain go away, but we DO "get it".....and there is some comfort to be found in being able to say/vent whatever you wish about your grief, and know that none here will judge you, and understand. I am Kathleen, but go by Kat. Again, welcome.

Great news, Kevin!  I'm sure all will go smoothly......please keep us posted!

6 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

((((hugs)))) WolfsKat.  We are all here with you today. I hope you can feel that.

Thank you, Patty......I think my family/friends weary of my continued grief, they just don't "get it".....you all do. Thanks to all of you, you've been such a blessing to me!

On 8/10/2016 at 11:22 AM, kevin said:

This all sounds good.........Installing couple minor handles to assist myself and on the scrounge to borrow crutches,a walker, and who knows what else.......Your never alone as long as the I phone is charged....Already got two volunteers to assist me....Coming together, appears I was holding things up........ 

Hey Kevin.......just want to tell you that I've known 5 who had hip replacement, my Connor being one....all of them were SO happy with the results, and Connor walked 400+ feet the day after surgery.  Keep moving, do the post-op therapy diligently, and you will do awesome!!!!

14 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

He has 1-2 years with treatment but that's still just a statistic. But I just hope we can buy a lot of time to have together. Thanks for the support. 

Go for any chance they offer.......I'd give 10 years of my life for just one more day with my husband....we were blindsided.  You "know"....and I am sure will make the most of your time together here....I will have you in my prayers, and who knows?  He may beat the stats and have many more years to live & love with you!

2 hours ago, maketimetobreathe said:

We both need a serious dose of structure. Any suggestions?

  

Welcome to the group nobody wants you to be in.....for it means you've lost your beloved....but, welcome.  It's damn hard enough being a widow...but with the responsibility of raising a child...it has to add to the pressure and stress?  I guess I'm fortunate that my kids are grown & flown the nest.  Have you considered family counseling for you and your son?  Do you have any support from family/friends?  I'd think I would find it hard to "deal" while going through all of this pain and loss......hard enough to deal with my own emotions, let alone those of one dependent upon me.  But, as a parent, you know you have to do what you can for your boy.  Counseling, and grief therapy, can be of great assistance......I hope you take steps to seek this out!  Please continue to post here, and know that there are those who care.....and will help if at all able.....caring & compassion to be found in this forum!

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Your Connor is very handsome.  This day is a hard one, both being without him, and going through all of the emotions that hit today.  Where on earth did you find a card so perfect?!  Maybe you can read it aloud to him, who knows, maybe he can hear you.

(((hugs)))

Thank you, Kay.....I did read it to him....it said what was in my heart!  And yes, my Connor is very handsome....it was a bit intimidating for me that he was....and also 7 years younger than I am.  He thought me beautiful, and the age difference was irrelevant to him....I am so very thankful that I took the leap of faith to believe in him, in "us".....he will forever be my soulmate, in this world, and in the next, I am certain! 

10 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

My husband started chemotherapy and radiation today. He has 3-6 months with no treatment and 1-2 years with treatment. So we are doing treatment. Made it real today starting treatment. My best friend moved 2000 miles away a year ago. I have my sister but she is a single mom of 5 kids. I don't have many other friends. Where can I make friends at a time like this? Any ideas? I can't stand the thought of being alone when my husband passes. 

As mentioned before, check to see if there is a support group through the hospital, many have them, or would perhaps know of one to refer you to?  Also, Hospice may have some help for you?  It IS hard to go it alone.....at the very least, you have us, here in this forum.....although I understand how having someone "in person" is more what you are wishing for. Hugs for you....

Today is/was my Connor's birthday.....glad I have today off from work, did not expect it to hit me this hard, this first w/out him here.......GOD I miss him!!!!

Oh my God, Kay.......I am so so very sorry!  It must have very much made the grief at losing him that much more horrible!  I'd be so very angry, as I'm sure you were/am at his workplace, especially the bastard who supplied him!  That POS was definitely responsible for contributing to George's death, in my opinion! (((((hugs to you))))

1. My heart goes out to you.  Although I've not spoken about it much here....I lost a mate (we never married but 7 years together) to cancer....and, like you, we knew.  At first you pray for a miracle....even when told the prognosis is terminal.  James accepted it with much more grace than I did....I was upset when chemo/radiation was discontinued, at his request....I could not face "giving up".  You really cannot fully prepare, I think.....the others are right, live in the moment, and make them as good as you can.  When the end finally came....I was devastated, but a part of me was thankful that he was free of the torment and pain.  I pray that you will find in you the strength to endure what lies ahead, and that you will have loving support.  Please return here anytime you feel a need......a lot of good people here, who understand better than many!

I think many of us can relate to this quote......

Robin, I think that you are definitely doing much better.....you'll still feel unsure, and unsteady....and the grief will still "hit"....but!  You WANT to find your way out of the darkness, you WANT to not always feel this way, as you stated.  I believe...if we persevere in making a new life (I cannot say "better life", it can't be better without our beloved at our side!), one that we can perhaps even find some peace and even a measure of happiness in.....it's a huge step to even have these thoughts?  I think you are on a good path.....just do whatever you feel is right for you to hopefully achieve your goals!  Wishing you all the best!   Kat

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Though the best part of my life may have been in the past who's to say that my life in the future won't include a measure of happiness? With Tammy's love inside me and my own perseverance, I think it will happen.

Dear Mitch......such a sad day for you......I think that we shall always mark these anniversaries.....I know I shall.  Hoping you can get through this day with at least as many happy remembrances of your amazing wife as the sorrowful ones.....you two shared an wonderful love story....and it will be continued!  I'm so happy to see your hope for happiness in the future...and your determination to try for it....it gives ME hope, as well....thank you, and wishing you comfort today!

On 9/4/2016 at 10:36 AM, kayc said:

 I've learned it's up to us to create somewhat of a life for ourselves that we can tolerate and even enjoy somewhat.  

Dear Kay.....I SO much agree with this statement!  While this is, indeed, a somewhat daunting (and, at times, seemingly impossible) task......WE are the only ones who can accomplish this.  Others may want to help, and mean well....but it's for us to find our way.....and how very hard this is, when all we want is any future that would have our lost one at our side!  I'm taking steps towards this....and although each step is wrenching.....I know I have to take action to cobble up a new existence...it is the only way I can see to having a life somewhat worth living, again!