WolfsKat

Hello Janet, and, although I wish you did not have the need to be here.....be welcome.  Almost all here are traveling the same hard road of grief, and, while we can't make the journey painless for you.....if you stumble on your road, we will care, and try to uplift you!  I hope to see you return and post again. Peace.

Dear Butch, I can only echo the others.......my heartfelt sympathies and prayers go out to you. My brother, mom, and husband all died within months of each other......you DO feel as if you cannot withstand the multiple blows, especially without your beloved mate at your side!  Please be extra good to yourself....take care of you....and know that your Mary IS with you, in spirit, I am certain!

On 8/13/2016 at 0:27 AM, Dew's Girl said:

I know that is selfish but it's how I feel.

Amy

Oh, Amy.....not selfish, not in the least little bit.......I still ponder the fact that I was trapped in a hellish "marriage" of 30 years to a man who could not love.....and given less than 5 years to a man who was my perfect soulmate in every sense of the word,  I feel cheated....and although some may deem this selfish (for many will never know what I was so privileged to experience).....daily, I rail against my perceived injustice......WHY him? WHY me? We were so very happy.....and daily gave thanks for each other...we were fully aware, and appreciative, of what we'd been given, in finding one another.  So, WHY wrest one of us from the other???  I do not believe we are "selfish"........we just cannot comprehend the meaning in our loss.....it is unfathomable, and, to our minds, senselessly cruel.

Unfortunately.......this CAN happen.....family dynamics that were actually in place (although perhaps in an undercurrent) before the loss, can come into play, after such a traumatic loss.  Every family member is hurting, upset, and processing their loss in the only way they can, both good and bad.  I've seen evidence of this far too many times within my own family.....and it is hurtful.  In time....it seems that once all of the initial grief is "over".........the ones involved tend to take some sort of steps to get back to something resembling a family solidarity.......when they realize that now.....all they have is each other.  It does take time (how I do detest that, I am an impatient person!) and being able to come to grips with the loss......and family dynamics are such a tricky thing.......if you, yourself, are doing your best....be content with that...and be good to yourself........hopefully, the other family members will get past this, and find a way to be at peace with each other, and have some cohesiveness, as a family!

Gwen.....I totally get this.  In my case...it is people who knew me "before" Connor........they do NOT know the "me" I am now......they do not understand that I am forever changed.....and that I cannot BE who I was, before, truthfully.....I do not think they would want to.  I cannot be that person to them, anymore....she is forever gone. If I even allude to my loss, they totally disregard it.....they never met/knew him.....so it does not factor into their thinking, and perception of who I am, NOW.  It is.....ultimately.....a deal-breaker.  I've begun "terminating" these so-called "friendships".  I just can NOT deal with them negating the most important person in my life...and, in a sense, negating the "me" I am now!

On 8/15/2016 at 0:26 AM, Dew's Girl said:

 

Today is my birthday.

 

Dear Amy.....a very belated best birthday greeting!  Like you, my birthday, our anniversary, and Connor's birthday were all close together......we "lumped them up" and did a getaway together....and planned to every year.  This will always be so very hard, as well you know.  Thanks for your posts, both here and on your blog....your blog is wonderful, and a beautiful testament to the great love that you and your Daniel shared!

On 8/26/2016 at 8:05 PM, mittam99 said:

 

I know they say as a rule you probably shouldn't make major decisions in the first year. But honestly, there's no rule book in grief so you should be at peace with the choices you made.

 

This is SO true!  It's not been a year, but I've made 2 major decisions......one, to start Soc.Sec. widow's benefit monthly payments, and step down to part time work in January.  This makes good sense, as my monthly income will then be MORE than I am making now, working full time.  In April, I will be uprooting and moving back to Michigan.....while I detest winter (I've been in FL 12 years), almost all of my family is there, and with Connor gone, I want to be close to them....and they REALLY want me "home" again! I've no family here, a few good friends....but nobody who's a part of my life in a substantial way.  I need to do this....and bucking the one year "rule"!!!

11 hours ago, Finch said:

But then she died so suddenly. A stolen future

Dear Finch......I think this is exactly what all of us here feel.....our future, our entire way of imagining a future, has been stolen from us, and shattered.....we are left to pick up the shards of our broken lives and try to find a way to make a "new" future.  One that many of us do NOT want, a life without our soulmate....but yet.....here we are, desperately trying to find our way through the firestorm of grief.....dealing daily with the wrenching knowledge that our lives will never be the same.  But, I believe....from the very fact that we are "here"....in this forum, that we WANT to find a way to cope, and accept.....and perhaps even cobble up a future that we can feel fairly content in....if not as happy as the one we'd have had with our mates.  We are the walking wounded.....the wounds will never fully heal, for many......but hopefully, they will scab over a tad, and we can learn not to pick at them, in time.....such a hard road for us!

16 minutes ago, Dreamwinds said:

I dread the day that the vehicle doesn't start, or the computer doesn't boot, or so many other things that he took care of.  I've already been faced with some of these issues at work. Things that I should know, but don't. Things such as payroll tax or sales tax liabilities. He was my superman. Someone mentioned "grief waves." These are so totally unexpected and can bring you to your knees. My responsibilities and obligations keep me going. The truth is that I don't want to. A few months ago we attended a friend's wake. My husband told her husband to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep reminding myself of his words.

Hello DreamWinds (beautiful choice of "name").......welcoming you with open arms, to the group, although I wish you had no need to BE here!  I actually call them "griefbursts"....like s sudden intense internal deluge!  I grew to dread these (still do)......but I now try hard to keep in mind that they DO pass.....and seem to have gotten a wee bit less intense/frequent in these past 10 months.....I do hope so!  Lots of good advice above from some very good & wise folks who truly "get" what you are going through....and a wealth of help via Marty's links on this site, as well.  I hope you will continue to come here.....it truly does help, knowing others understand and care, we kind of lift each other up, often.....and I've come to value this immensely!  Wishing you all of the comfort you can find!    Kat

Thanks so much, everyone.  I'm still "raw" in many ways I guess, even after 10 months.  A few people did not "get" why I took that day, our anniversary, off from work.......said I should "keep busy" to "take my mind off of it"........uh-huh, THATS gonna be easy-peasy!  As if I worked hard enough, I would forget what day it was?  I knew I would have some level of meltdown......and darned if I was going to have that happen at work!!!!  Of course, these are the same people who keep telling me I should "move on"....."not dwell on it"......blah blah blah.  Funny thing.....not ONE of these people are widowed (sarcasm intended here)......and they wonder why I avoid them, now!

Hard day. Although we were together for 5 years.......today would've been me and Connor's second wedding anniversary.  All I can think of is how very happy and totally in love we were.....how we imagined growing old together, relishing the thought.....we were so very thankful to have found our soulmate, after years of pain!  This is a photo of us dancing at our reception....we loved the beach, so we had a beach party/tiki bar theme, of sorts.  So much joy that day....only to end 14 months later!  Life IS cruel, often!

On 8/22/2016 at 5:33 PM, Finch said:

Is it normal for someone who says he is a penpal that never met her, to ask where her grave is so he can visit it if he ever visits the US? Is it normal to ask how her dogs are or the new house is?

Dear Finch

Actually, having thought this over, my feeling is...no, none of these questions would be all that unusual for a close "friend" (as it is believed this is what you are at this point in time) to ask these things.....especially the location of the gravesite...all one would need to say is that, if ever coming there, they would wish to pay their respects.  But, after perhaps getting answers to these inquiries, I would thank her father, and let it be enough.  Perhaps you can find a way to honor and cherish her memory in such a way as to give you some wee bit of peace in the future.  I realize that you still struggle with the guilt over never having taken that giant leap of faith to be with her, physically......it has to be so very difficult for you!  There is a saying here, in the States....."Coulda-woulda-shoulda"......none of these 3 are worth beating yourself up over.  I know, I know......it is bloody damn hard, but you must try to forgive yourself.....as, if the situation were reversed, you would certainly have forgiven your beloved Crystal!  Hugs to you....wishing you well 

Dear Finch.......all I can say is....be cautious.  Learning that his daughter had "another life" may cause irreparable damage to her father.....at a time when he may have grave difficulty dealing with the knowledge.  She did not choose to make her family aware of what she had shared with you.....not, I believe, as a negation of it's importance, but having an awareness of the potential pain it would cause.  Of course, this is ultimately your decision alone......but hold off for a space of time, perhaps.....get on an even keel, and revisit the idea?

I struggle with the "depression demon" on a daily basis.......losing your soulmate is such a horrendously neverending nightmare!  It can be hard to find a focus, or something that anchors one to this world.....all you can feel is the tremendous pain, and the desperate wish to be with them, once again.....for all of "this" to be a horrible dream that you will awaken from.  I've been widowed 9 months now......still battling the "depression demon" that seems to want to suck all of my energy/interest in life....but, I do believe at last I'm winning a few skirmishes.  I think we are, all of us "works in progress".....we will never "get over" our grief, impossible!  But hopefully, all of us can find something to give meaning to our lives, as they are now......but, oh, how very difficult this can be!

Just came across this and wanted to share......I think many will agree that this applies well to this forum!

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

It's not so much that "it" gets better as that we get better at coping with "it." That's why I see "it" (the pain and sorrow we feel at the loss of a loved one) as not unlike the way we would react to the loss of a limb. The amputated leg doesn't get better and it never comes back, but with lots of healing, rehabilitation and hard work, we can learn to walk again without it ~ and no matter how well we learn to walk again, we'll never stop missing what was lost, and we'll never forget what it was like when we were whole.  

Marty, this is a very good analogy!  I am definitely going to remember this......thank you!

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry you're all getting hit this week.  It's times like this when we have to be the most understanding and kind to ourselves, knowing this is the hardest journey ever traveled and we have to ride out the ebb and flow of grief.

Ebb & flow is correct..............it's like swimming in a placid lake for a while.....then, WHAM!!!!  Suddenly, you are in a raging sea getting sucked down into the undertow.......all you can do is fight through it, and hope to get back to that placid lake for a respite. This grief is exhausting, in all possible ways.....and with NO assurance of any end, it seems.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

WolfsKat,

Have you decided, then, on working part time?  I'm so glad about your daughter's engagement and for all that it entails (grandchildren someday, etc.).  

Most certainly, Kay......I will actually have more income coming in than I do now, working full time...it's a no-brainer! Will start part time January 1st.....new year, new way of life.

21 hours ago, Gin said:

Steve,

Gives me a lot to think about.  Al had a garage full of tools and machines.  Saws, drills, shop smith, 3 workbenches.   He gave his shop smith away a few months before he died to his friend.  My son-in-law took another special tool.  There is so, so much left.  I am sure I can give a lot of it away...but I want to honor him somehow.   He so loved making things for the grandkids.  We have a big heavy duty picnic table on the patio attached to the garage.  He used that as a workbench.  Neighbors  were always curious what he was working on.  I have to really think on this.  Maybe a workshop in a park.  I know that I do not want to use them. Maybe keep some screwdrivers, pliers, etc.

Gin

Just a thought.....Habitat for Humanity always needs such items.....I know what you feel about wanting the donation to honor him.  I donated many items of Connor's to a organization to assist homeless vets, as my Connor was a proud Navy veteran.

Picture of Connor and I on our wedding day......would've been our 2 year anniversary this month.

I'm working, very diligently, on trying to look for "positives" in my life.....to keep me sane and alive.  Making plans for a huge move......"semi" retirement.....kind of scary but the feeling that this is "right" overrides most fears.  My "baby girl" and her BF came down here for a week long visit.....and, in a beautiful, romantic evening orchestrated by her BF, he proposed (after asking for my blessing, and I had to keep mum!) and she accepted.....so there will be a wedding to look forward to next year.  Oh, how Connor would've loved this!  Although not his blood...he often said she was the child of his heart!  I know that he'll "be there" in some way, surely.....just so wish it could be at my side!   And the probability of more grandchildren....nothing will ever, ever erase my grief, that is impossible.  But I fervently pray that I can find enough left in this life to sustain me, keep me going, with even some measure of happiness, until the blessed day that I'm finally reunited with my beloved soulmate/best friend/husband Connor!

I think, maybe.....that it has to do with a mixture of intense grieving, and actually "willing" yourself to die....giving up on life entirely......there is a great deal of solid science in the research of the power of mind over body......both good and, in this case, "bad".

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

chips??

In AA programs.....they give you a "chip" (like a coin) for milestones in sobriety...to hold onto as a physical reminder, of sorts, of your continued "doing well"

Patty........you can come here, SCREAM as loudly you want, as long as you want!  I've definitely, DEFINITELY found that "glitches', such as your new ravioli machine can set me off now, where I used to be able to take it in stride.......I just lack the capacity now!  This is "normal", so I've learned here....but I admit, I keep on thinking I need to wear a badge, or something, stating that, if overly stressed, I can go from zero to screaming b*tch in 10 seconds (or less).  I think we work so damn hard at appearing "normal again", and hiding all of the horrible grief we are experiencing, that it doesn't take much to break us down.  And I'm about to ditch a "best" friend.......she really thinks I should be "over it"......"life goes on, blah, blah, blah"......the kicker was when she hinted (broadly) that her hubby (yeah, she still HAS hers) has a nice guy friend she'd like me to meet.....ACKKKKK!!!!!!  Connor passed only 9 months ago, and I'm supposed to be happy she wants to "fix me up"????  I honestly think that many of our so-called friends are like this because we make THEM uncomfortable.....they want us to be their version of "OK" so they don't have to deal with us, the way we are now!  I hope you got through the employee meeting.....and got a chance to decompress a bit?  

Don't know how appropriate this is......but, this was a favorite of Connor's........primarily intended for those who served struggling with PTSD (he was a Gulf War vet).....but, in recently playing this....it struck me as so true of those of us who find it so very hard to deal with the loss of our beloved.