Mom's angel

8 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I feel it's not fair, that as soon as she's gone I get the one thing we'd been wanting for years. 

This is so true, happened with me too.

Thank you Ceili 

Though our loss are different but I feel the same. Exact feeling.

Thank you

Exams are going well, I'll try and finish this semester. 

Thank you Janka.

Yup all of us knows how some of the insensitive comments feels like.

Janka, you're a nice person and you've got a good big family here. 

I do read the posts in this forum but don't reply often. 

I've read you're post about the your friends, I've also been hurt by some of my friends that are very close to me, I've helped them often but sometimes they cannot return the same, but I forgive them because they don't exacty understand my situation.

People take so many things for granted, nothing is permanent. 

I've loved my mom and cared for her( not as much as she did for me)  but yet I lost her. 

We complained for small things when we had everything and when the special one is lost from our lives nothing else matters anymore.

This is so beautiful.

I used to bring rose for my mommy on special days or on days when I felt like giving her something. 

Now I do the same thing, the only difference is that now I put the rose in front of her picture. 

It gives a unique kind of feeling and that makes me happy.

Yup, if we started telling them how are we actually doing it will take the whole day.

Sometimes it's better and easier to say "I'm okay" rather then explaining what actually is going on inside me.

I love this song, 

This is so beautiful and true, I miss her and I'm heartbroken without her

I understand that. I have got them too. Sometimes reading them it feels like they were written from my heart. 

Somehow they bring the things I want to say straight out of my heart.

As my mom is for me, your sister is for you.. So I totally understand the pain. 

I posted that for the part that talked about the fake smiles

 People like us put on everyday, others just see the smile but the only one who truly has the ability to see through the fake smile and reach my broken heart is not with me,

I know she is with me but I'll be lying if I say I don't beg to see her actually in front of me.

Hollow heart,  some people really need to understand that someone like us are living the horrible pain that they cannot even imaging.

One of my friend called me 'lucky' for just a small matter, I stood there struck thinking about all that happened with me, she called me lucky.

True.

I've got comments from someone like

" I don't know what I would be doing without my mom"

or someone will say

" if I was in your place I won't be able to control my tears ". 

I do not say anything,  I feel empty inside and cannot find any words, 

Some of my friends brings up topics about their mothers when I'm with them, they say " yesterday I went for shopping with my mom" or " today I'm going to the cinema with my mom". 

I cannot describe the feeling I have at that time, I just slowly shift away, I mostly try to avoid them, 

honestly, if I was with someone who's grieving then I would never ever bring topics that could hurt their feelings, I know that at such times even the smallest thing hurts but this are the obvious statement that can hurt someone who is grieving. 

Yes, they talked with my father and they don't want me to leave without trying. 

Thank you all for being with me. 

5 hours ago, DaughterOfAnAmazingMom said:

I'm 29. Of every single person I know in my personal life who is close to my age, apart from my siblings, I know ONE person who has lost their mom at this point. I don't know anyone sub-40 who has lost their mom, other than that person. It honestly puts me near tears when I hear my friends and coworkers talking about seeing their moms or speaking on the phone with them. When they start complaining about how their mom is always bugging them, I almost want to throw something at them. "Your mom is still here! Talk to her, relish her, you butt!" None of them get what this feels like. I can't talk to anyone and have them understand. A few of my peers, without saying so, seem to think I should be "over it" by now. It's only been two and a half months. I look at old ladies and just get mad that Mom won't ever get to be one. I look at middle-aged women with their moms and get upset that I don't get to have that.

 

This are my exact feelings. 

There is no one even in the far relatives who have lost their mother at such young age. 

Your reaction on seeing old ladies is the same way I feel when I see them, 

Especially when I see middle aged women with their mothers.

I was 20 when I lost her, 3months have gone by.

They caring voice, the friendly talk, joyous smiles, uncontrollable laughter are all missing from my life. 

I'm dying to hear my name from her, they way she called me,.I miss her. 

I know how it feels.

So today I told the college authorities that I'm not going to continue with my studies and I have decided not to give exams. 

They are not with my decision. They told me that they will rearrange the first exam that I missed today but I have to come for the rest of the exams. They are sure that I won't fail and are trusting me . 

So I have to go to college tomorrow and meet them and I'll have to give the exams.

Thank you 

Thank you kayc and enna.?

Yup kayc I know that,( our is based out of 10) and so I said that it gives hope, he did it all over again and passed with such high ranking. 

Having a mom does make difference. 

My college professors will know about my decision tomorrow, I don't know how will they react but my decision is final.

That gives hope. 

I will try something. One thing that my mom told me was that life goes on and you have to move with it no matter what or else you will be left behind. 

What I meant in my post was that I've tried harder, beyond my limits, I've sacrificed my night sleep for my grades, I've sacrificed the enjoyments of college life for my grades, I won't lie, I swear I was doing it all just for my mom, I wanted her to be always proud of me. My average GPA of 2years is 8.4/10 and for the 3rd year's 5th semester ( the exam I went to give after my mom's death) came out 7.9 and now the 6th sem will be zero. So this feeling of losing everything revolves around me.

Bur Thanks kayc, you are right . Maybe the situation is not right but I'll rise again and make my mom proud.

They are together in heaven watching over you. ?

Thank you all so much.
But I have decided to drop out of the college because my family environment has became very stressful due to my brother's wife and I cannot handle it all. 
It seems like life is throwing bombs after bombs. 
I hate it how all my hard work paid off like this, I'm not going for the exams. 
 
The song :
" I've tried so hard and get so far but in the end it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall to lose it all,
In the end it doesn't even matter. "
It reflects my feelings. 
I guess that's it and I'm not going, I may regret my decision later but right now it's my only option.

Actually the marks of this exam will be sent to the main university and the checking of the papers of the main exam will be done by professors of other college(the university no and student id no will be sealed)so they cannot do anything and that's OK because I should get marks according to what I have written. 

Thank you Marty.
Kayc and enna thank you again. 
I'm so glad that you guys came to help me out of the confusion. 
After reading above 2replies I told kayc that I'll be giving the exams but without studying, I'll write whatever I remember and then leave. 
After reading your post I feel deeper in that part, you're right
My mom will always want me to be be the best. I cannot disappoint her.  I have to try this, I will study as much as I can. 
But I can promise none as I still cannot focus on a single thing, I'll keep her picture by my side, it always helps.
There is so much stress and distraction surrounding me but I'll still try. 
Thank you kayc, enna and Marty??

I'll definitely check that link and see if I can get some help.

 kayc, they don't have a special advisor and they rest of the staff knows how good I was in exams before my Mom died and so they are all convincing me to give It a try. But it is easy for them because they are not in the same situation.

I'll definitely read her post if that helps.thanks

Enna, that's true the grief will never go always but just 3months into it I feel so confused. It is so hard to focus on studies when the pictures from her death are haunting me. And besides all this I feel that this study thing is useless, the goal of my life is destroyed and I see no destination. Life has slapped me so hard.

Yes, I'm at the end of the semester and this is the last semester, if I complete this semester then I'll have my degrees.

They all know that I'm struggling and are supportive as well, they say I can do it, they say I will pass even if I go through the notes once but they are not getting it, it's not that easy. 

They are all forcing me to complete this two months in which there will be four exams- 2theory  2practicals. I know they are all trying to help me but it gets annoying sometime.

I owe my triumphs to my mom, I had the ability to do or win anything when she was with me. Without her I'm nothing. I have lost all my confidence.

I don't have a grief counselors, I'm trying hard to find one, a grief group will also help but I cannot find that too.

There is no one around me who has lost a parent at a young age.

Thanks for replying.