Cookie

Brad:  Yes, I have also had dreams with John in them that were insignificant.  A friend told me she thinks he knows how much pain I'm in and won't appear in dreams or show signs so that I will move past this and not get hooked on looking for him...who knows.  Someone also said they thought that when you are in this much pain, you cannot see signs or connect with a lost one.  John had said before he died that if he could, he would come back to help me.  I do believe he would if he could.  We were so close, as you were with you wife.  We talked about our connection a lot and felt like soulmates, which makes it all the more troubling to feel nothing from him.  I have considered going to a recommended medium; don't know, though.  I get desperate sometimes for anything.  I wish us all peace, Cookie

Gwenivere:  Always so nice to hear from you.  You really articulate things well.  I totally agree about the "things will get better" statement.  I'm afraid to hope sometimes.  I definitely want to be in the flourishing group, trying to put my focus on that, but the pain and aching definitely get in the way.  Something I'm having trouble with is not being able to feel him at all.  I hear people say all the time that they feel their loved one's presence or just know they are there.  My husband feels so gone; it's deafening.  He was really suffering at the end and very tired, so I tell myself that he just needed to get as far away from this life as he could.  We were very close, though; we always talked about our connection in this life, being soulmates, so I am so troubled that there is nothing......People also say that they want to live on because their loved one wanted them to.  I know John wanted me to live and be happy, but I want to live on because I want it.  I have experienced so much joy in this life and know what it is; am so hoping that is possible again, even though it seems impossible right now.  We are having a big snowstorm today and all weekend; I think a lot of people are in this.  It makes me miss my husband so much.  He loved this kind of weather and was fearless, which always helped me endure it.  I feel a kinship with your thinking; take care, Cookie

Gwenivere:  What you wrote really spoke to me.  I'm feeling that way now at 7 months, realizing this is forever and wondering how I will be able to live with it.  I agree there is such a large hole that you just can't fill.  You don't have to feel like you can't say these things at whatever time you are from your loved one's death.  I think I realize that this is going to be very difficult for a long, long time.  I would rather hear the truth.  I can relate to that.  I have moments that are okay but they are rare.  Lots of worry about what the future holds without John.  I feel for you and for me and everyone else.  I hate to say this, but when someone says they are doing well, it almost hurts because I want to do well.  I know that sounds awful.  I don't wish anyone to feel bad; it's a base, childlike jealous reaction.  Forgive me; if you read this and are doing well, that is good; it's just that I feel like that will never be me and it's lonely.  Take care everyone, Cookie

Butch, Everit and Wade:  It resonated with me about the hurt from the loss of your loved ones, having been together so many years.  I know that for me at 7 months out, the pain is almost worse and I can't imagine life without him.  Being with someone since you were very young and losing them later in life is so devastating, but I know that all losses are devastating.  My heart goes out to all of you.  People who don't understand think 7 months, a year, 2 years should be enough time.  Obviously, it's normal to still ache that much no matter how much time, as I've come to learn from this site.  Just hoping the okay moments get longer at some time.  Take care, Cookie

I did talk to the director about the woman I was working with.  She said she was trying to change her back to working in the office.  Meanwhile, she has switched me to a 4-year-old class that is so much better.  The kids are great and the teachers are real human beings.  I work 3 hours in the morning 3 days a week.  It's a good start.  

Thanks all of you for the feedback about the counselor.  No, I will not go to her.  She was listed under grief counseling.  It's difficult when you are feeling so fragile.  You tend to start believing some of these things that people say.  Thank goodness for this site.  It really helps to get perspective.  

Reading about you all talking about your snow.  We got off lucky this year so far here in the mountains of North Carolina.  It's been relatively mild; might get a little snow tomorrow.  But, it has turned bitterly cold.  My husband and I had also talked of traveling south in the winter. 

Everyone:  As I said to Brad, I did talk to the daycare director and she is aware of the problem.  She moved me to a different class with 4-year-olds.  It is much better.  I'm still looking for other jobs, though. 

Brad:  Your wife sounds like she was wonderful and someone I would like.  I often think this when I am reading the posts here, how I wish the people we are talking about having lost were still with us and we could introduce them to everyone; sounds crazy, I know.  I changed classrooms at the daycare and it is better.  I am still looking for something else and have signed up to take an on-line medical coding/billing course for the future, as I did medical transcription and have the background.  I'm not doing the transcription now because of the association to my husband's death and having to work at home to do it. 

I had a thought today, which just now has come to me.  I have been doing all these things to get out, meet new people hoping it will make me feel better, and, although, I know that's supposed to be a good thing to do, I still feel as lost and maybe lonelier than ever.  I realized that what is missing is that familiarity of being around people you know well and who know you.  This new life is so different for me than what I would be doing if John were still here, and I think it's adding to the out of touch feeling I get.  I'm constantly in situations where I'm meeting new people, putting myself in new, uncomfortable situations.  Hoping that will change with time.  A counselor I was thinking of seeing just recently said that after 7 months I could be at risk of losing function because of the way I'm feeling (all the pain, anxiety, etc.).  I wish someone would get this straight.  I'm either hearing it's normal to feel the way I feel or now I'm at risk of losing it.  I don't really think I will lose functioning, as I keep going pretty well, but I do feel the ever-present pain and many times anxiety. 

Marg:  I feel for you.  I might be taking lorazepam for the rest of my days, as the anxiety I get now is over the top so much of the time.  I understand how hard it can be.  

Kayc:  My old user name was Janice.  They said I had to come up with a new one, so, therefore, Cookie.  Yes, the things people say to you at a time like this can get you all mixed up and feeling more vulnerable.  I was reading some of the posts about suicide.  I have definitely not wanted to be here.  Who in their right mind wants to endure this pain?  The actual taking of my life is not something I really think about, it's more the wanting it to happen soon naturally.  I started working at a daycare center 3 hours a day, 5 days a week thinking it would be the perfect thing to get me going again.  Unfortunately, the lady I work with is awful with the kids and she is in charge.  So now I'm going to have to leave this job.  So depressing.  I was really counting on this to help me.  It's hard to find part-time or full-time jobs where I live right now.  Can't stand the idea of being at home, but it's back to the drawing board.  This seems never-ending sometimes.  

Because I had to re-register for this group, I went back and read some of the blogs, and was struck at home similar the feelings are to mine.  It's been 6 1/2 months and I'm still battling depression/anxiety and a feeling of what future could there possibly be.  I also think death would not be a bad option.  I do have occasional moments, maybe an afternoon where I feel what I call neutral and have come to love that because it isn't so painful.  It is a mystery as to how anyone can survive this intact.  And, everyone is so right, if you haven't experienced this there is no way to understand it, it seems.  People really think after 6 1/2 months I should be moving on pretty well.  This is the only place I can come and realize I'm not crazy.  Almost went on antidepressants, but have backed off from that.  I would love to be able to work through this and hope there is another side after.....Cookie (Janice)

Just wanted to say to all that I had to change my user name from Janice to Cookie because of a glitz on the site for me.  I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to continue and I get much comfort from talking to you all.  Cookie (Janice)

Kayc:  I feel for you.  I also have had so many things go awry, and it's really hard on the heels of having lost your loved one.  Hope things work out for you.  My user name used to be Janice, but something wasn't working on the site so I had to change it to Cookie, in case you're wondering who this is.