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About Cookie

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Cullowhee, nc
  • Interests
    Hiking, yoga, reading, good conversation, knitting, connection.....

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 13, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Kayc: It's so hard to articulate what you mean sometimes by writing. I don't think striving for positivity or hope or trying to look forward is garbage or bunk......It is something I try to do and want but not something I want said to me in the form of advice or how to get on or fix myself when I'm in pain. Do you know what I mean? I have been hurt by that advice time and again since John died (as well meaning as it probably was maybe) because it shuts you up when you might need to spew hurt and sorrow, can make you feel guilty. It's funny....if a person will/can allow you space to feel and be sorrowful, rage against the universe, and speak your fears about life and love, magically sometimes it allows you to make some small moves towards feeling hopeful and "positive." John was really great at being able to do that and I miss it terribly. I could be very negative and down and he was able to listen and just accept me where I was...he would hug me and say, "it's going to be okay." Wow, how powerful and positive that was. I guess since we're all on here talking, that is what you might call positive and looking for hope. I know it is for me....fondly, Cookie
  2. TomPB: I also relate to what you feel as well as Dee. You're not negative, just hurting....I also have many of those times still too.....it doesn't seem to hurt less as much as I keep hoping it will. Take care, Cookie
  3. Dee: I found so much in what you wrote to relate to. I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me. Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say. My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you. You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie
  4. Gwen: I do understand, I think, what you are saying. Even being as lonely as we are does not necessarily give us what it takes to meet someone new and get happy, and the "changing your life" thing is complicated and sounds a little like the "positive thinking" thing that can make one feel really terrible because they can't seem to achieve it. I think sometimes it's just the roll of the dice or it was meant to be and happens despite what you do, which is wonderful for those it happens to. I truly wish all those on here who have found each other much happiness, and they are lucky; who wouldn't wish them well. In truth, I wish it could happen for me, so I'm probably a little jealous, but not in a negative way.....for me, John was my soulmate and love of my life, and if I could find another person who could be that I would be so happy, but don't think it's in the cards for me. I do get out, do lots of things and meet people, but still have that big black hole in the pit of my heart and stomach. I know, "never say never".....but it's not for lack of wanting and trying I can tell you that. Cookie
  5. No Marg, I don't believe there is. As close as we were, John and I also had two separations in our 47 years together...neither of us was perfect. But, what I say about it is all the ups and downs were what made our relationship so rich and interesting, like a colorful quilt, and challenged us to find the loving, liking, get real. I wouldn't change anything. We got so close due to all the goods and bads. Sounds like you and your husband did too. That's why I know it will never happen again for me. I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie
  6. George: Thank you for your comforting words. I'm trying. It's coming and going. She was such a big part of my life, especially since losing John and Ranger. I think the suddenness of it was traumatic (which it sounds like you are familiar with). Thinking about another puppy, but will have to be careful and take my time. Need something to love.....Cookie
  7. Tom: That was lovely...what a rider; you should be proud. I love horses too. Don't get to ride much. Have gone on a couple trail rides recently. Thanks for sharing the wonderful video....Cookie
  8. George: I reread this because I am so bereft after losing Olive and I wish someone could convince me that the universe is for us/me. I can't seem to shake this....one loss too many is what it feels like. Trying not to lose hope about life.....so sad still...Cookie
  9. Looks like such a sweetheart...my heart goes out to you too....
  10. Oh my gosh, how beautiful....so sorry...
  11. Thank you all for the love....kayc: I'm doing a little better; have quit beating myself up for thinking I caused her death somehow. Still in quite a bit of pain, but going on with the usual stuff. Miss her so bad. I know you have all suffered like this and so your words of comfort really mean something....fondly, Cookie My little girl.....
  12. I can't believe this has happened. I lost my sweetie Olive on Thurs. Had picked my nephew up from the airport; she was with me. We stopped and took a little walk...she was her usual, happy, smiling self. Got back in the car. I turned around and could tell something terrible was wrong. We jumped out and pulled her out...she was having trouble getting breath. We tried CPR, compressions....she was dead in 30 seconds. I am so torn up and feel so dark. No rhyme or reason...just dead. I really feel like there is a curse on me....first John, than Ranger, now Olive.....why am I still here. She has been my comfort and companion these last 3 years and especially since Ranger left. I feel like I'm being punished and there is no point to me. It's almost like the universe is saying, okay, get out of here, like I'm being pushed over the edge. The vet said it sounded like acute heart failure...in a seemingly healthy dog who was only 9 and 1/2? Just devastated right now......
  13. Oh kayc: What a great picture...looks like a very neat guy. Thanks for sharing. I wonder the same things....would John find me attractive now. Love to you, Cookie