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Cookie

Contributor
  • Content Count

    671
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About Cookie

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Cullowhee, nc
  • Interests
    Hiking, yoga, reading, good conversation, knitting, connection.....

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    June 13, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    LifePath

Recent Profile Visitors

1,829 profile views
  1. I am not liking myself anymore. It seems that 3 and 1/2 years out instead of coming to some kind of peace about losing John, I'm moving more toward anger, resentment, jealousy of others....hate it, but that's what is happening. I'm trying really hard to be positive, loving, etc., but these little devil feelings keep coming up. So tired of all of this. I have tried everything to move on and nothing is taking. Didn't know this was going to change me into someone I wouldn't like. Was wondering if anyone else has had these feelings or am I the only one....does it pass. Oh God, I hope so. I don't want to live like this.....Cookie
  2. I also have the great sadness more now than in the beginning. It morphs into anxiety or depression....don't know why that happens. Wish I could move forward better. Want to enjoy life but it just doesn't come. I do enjoy moments but the sorrow always comes right back and it is very heavy....trying to ignore Valentine's day....very hurtful watching ads with all the couples. Hugs to you all.....Cookie
  3. It's always a comfort of some sort to hear someone else name what you feel and feel so alone in. You did that by saying 5 years was worse still. It's been 3 and 1/2 for me and I feel like I'm dying. I keep thinking I will. Can't imagine what is keeping me alive. I have stress up the whazoo, am depressed a lot, lots of anxiety; my eating and drinking habits have gotten worse...what is keeping me here where I don't really want to be. There must be some hope in there that I don't see or feel. I am so tired of missing, feeling alone, dying to be touched with love, on and on....I think I've been in no man's land for 3 and 1/2 years....Cookie
  4. Yes, I try to take it one day at a time still, but still struggle with isolation and feeling so alone. Hate to think of a future with just this in it. There is no guidebook for how to go forward so many years, so you end of wishing those years to be short, something I would have never wished for when John was here...I wished to live forever then.....Cookie
  5. I'm exactly the same. My problem is I'm tired of hearing about about joyful life is for others who have their husbands to travel with, grandkids to play with, etc. After 3 and 1/2 years, it still only makes me sad and feeling alone. I wish I could derive joy from someone's else's. Hate admitting it. I just miss him so much all the time and it feels like I'm doomed to a life of feeling left out and alone, lonely.....
  6. scba: Thanks for sharing that....makes me feel not so alone in my thinking. I also feel like he can't possibly be better off, although, that is what everyone says and then I feel guilty for not agreeing with that; and, if I think he might be better off, I feel terrible thinking that he could be better off without me! No-win situation....hugs, Cookie
  7. I am thinking of you Gin...you are in my heart. I would come by to visit if I could. Take care. I know how lonely and hard this is....Cookie
  8. That's the tragedy of what that person doesn't know....how much more horrible it would be if he wasn't there at all. But, when John was sick I never felt annoyed at having to help him. I got tired, of course, and distressed at his sickness, but didn't feel like it was a personal bother to help him. We always helped each other over the years. I guiltily remember thinking and praying that the universe would let me keep him here even as sick as he was....I would have him back on any terms, but I know he is better off not living that hell....
  9. I fall into the negative thinking trap that if John were here, somehow the pup would be better, do better, etc. I think I'm a little depressed too, which kind of blunts feelings such as joy and passion about anything. I will take good care of this sweetie and love it to the best of my ability. I think all this takes time. Not sleeping well again. Has anyone ever taken gabapentin for sleep or anxiety? I keep reading about it. I'm always looking for the thing that will magically fix that.....
  10. Marg: So sorry for your friend...losing a second love, how hard.
  11. Gin: Hope things are better for you now. Yes, feeling isolated is horrible. The cold and snow doesn't help. I try to go out a lot too just to get out and am lucky I'm physically able right now. I also have a pup to walk so that helps. Feeling for all of you....take care, Cookie
  12. Well, it's been a while since I've been on here. Start missing you all and the honest exchanges. I got a poodle pup named Rio and have been immersed in him. One thing I wasn't expecting was the grief it caused. I thought I would feel satisfied and comforted (which I am a little), but this whole experience has made me miss John so much and it's hurting really bad all over again. The first weeks were the worst, and now things are better as I'm getting used to doing this alone and he is such a loveable, sweet pup, full of tremendous energy, though. Not having John to share it with is so hard. Cookie
  13. Katie: My heart goes out to you...this is so hard and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Love to you, Cookie
  14. You know, Gwen, I have a lot of the same feelings. After 3 1/2 years, I still feel acute grief, sadness, loneliness a lot. I was reflecting on it, as I'm always trying to figure out how to get out of this. One thing that came to me was that John was the one person in my life who I knew really loved me and cared. I came from a dysfunctional family and so don't have siblings who are that for me. My children are off on their own. I think that is what keeps bringing me around to this awful feeling so much. I believe it's easier to move forward (don't mean get over the grief, but find happiness still), when there is some one person that you know in your heart really cares about you. I think that is my problem and don't have a clue what to do about it. Anyway, a penny for your thoughts on this. Take care, Cookie
  15. Boy, you really went through it! My house looks like a Zen den...nothing in it now. I have moved everything because it's all at risk.....I'm sure he'll find something, though.....
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