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About Cookie

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Cullowhee, nc
  • Interests
    Hiking, yoga, reading, good conversation, knitting, connection.....

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 13, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Cookie

    Big mistake

    Yes you can Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I do get it. I'm still sleeping in the bed John died in and keep wondering why I don't get a new one....(?). Money and ennui. I still wake up early all mornings and have panic and sorrow. Have to get out and about quickly before I go down the rabbit hole. Another reason to get a new dog. This deep sorrow is tough. I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything. It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed. No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't. The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified. They don't understand what this is. I wish I could come over for a visit. I feel for you and wish you had some widow friends who understand to spend time with....of course, I don't either, but am always looking for that. You can only tolerate so much pain before it bludgeons you off and on. Thinking about you....Cookie
  2. Great news....I also have times that are good and I enjoy things after 3 years.......good for you Darrell....Cookie
  3. More pet pictures.....I love seeing people with their pets. It's one of the most uplifting things I can think of. We've got some really good ones on here so far.....Cookie
  4. Excited and feel ready, and, yet, at the same time nervous and feel anxious. It's been a long time since I've had a puppy, so therein lies the reason for feeling anxious. Surely I can do this! The problem is that everything I do now without John leaves me feeling a tad anxious....but, I will get through it. I do think it's the right thing; will just be a little bittersweet without him here to share it. Puppy stages won't last forever.....!
  5. Oh, so very sweet and cute? Thanks for sharing...Cookie
  6. Tom: Sorry for what you've been through. I do think every loss at all after having lost the love of your life is very traumatic. Even though I do have nice days, good times now too, I still feel thrown up against a wall every time I lose something, anything it seems. A potential relationship/friendship is a pretty big one. I had a hiking buddy who wanted to be romantic, but I did not but he said we would always be good friends. Well, he met someone to be romantic with and told me he couldn't be my friend anymore......that was pretty hurtful...we had only ever been friends but his girlfriend couldn't tolerate him seeing me, talking to me, running into me.....it felt like getting thrown away. Just want you to know I think we all understand the pain of any loss after the biggest kind. Take care....Cookie
  7. Kayc: So sorry your animals are aging and at the same time.....my heart goes out to you. It is so hard, but they are worth it all, I think. Send a picture of you sweetie. I could look at people's dog pictures all day...cats too....Cookie
  8. Hey guys: Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November. I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it. He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he. The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one. I am craving a poodle so bad. Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog! I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie
  9. Oh, thanks for sharing...they are adorable, just adorable!! Can't wait to have another one....Cookie
  10. Tom: I agree with all the good advice above--be careful with your heart and be honest about what you want. Can't do more than that. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants which is resulting in the hot and cold behavior. That can be hurtful to someone who is vulnerable. Do you think she knows that about you? Take care and I wish you all good things, Cookie
  11. Kayc: Yes, that is a hard realization--that it's for the rest of our lives. I guess I really did think it would pass in a couple of years, but in some ways it can be more painful than ever and there is always that big empty black hole feeling in the pit of my stomach that is around missing him so much. Wow, 23 years is a lot for a cat. We had one that lived to be 22. I feel for you. It is so hard losing our pets, so hard.....I am looking and anxious about getting another poodle. It's very tied up with grief and I'm trying to work through that too. Thanks so much for your thoughts....hugs, Cookie
  12. Gwen: Yes, I have to have another dog, poodle, and will. But, I am really going through a lot of grief triggers. I don't even like myself right now; I can't believe what a big deal this is because I'm doing it without John. I double-guess myself about everything, feeling vulnerable. I guess I never realized how interconnected he and I were until he was gone. But, I will do this and I do want it for myself. I am going to see a breeder tomorrow by myself...it's an hour from here. Have to drive over the mountain on a winding road...wish he was here. I will try to make it a fun adventure.....I totally know what you are talking about in terms of Steve's input. John was a very calm, steady person and really checked things out before proceeding. I was always the emotional, spontaneous one. I will have to watch it......take care, Cookie
  13. Gwen: I think "they" want to label this anxiety as anxiety disorder, but it's really something so different, so intimately connected to unfathomable loss....maybe it is anxiety disorder; I'm not a professional, so I've got it now for sure. I remember having anxiety, but not even close to how this feels. It's amazing that after 3 years there are still so many triggers, things most people wouldn't even think of as upsetting. I am looking for a new poodle puppy; can't live without it, I feel; it's a long journey and I thought I had found the one, then found out he wasn't available after all. I just broke down and started sobbing. I sat there later and thought "I am really losing it; what is wrong with me?" Upon reflection, I realized that just the act of looking for another poodle was a trigger in that John and I got the other two together and deep down I am devastated that he is not here to share this journey with me....so it's jerking on the grief train so to speak. I really feel for you....I also am dreading the holidays again; can't stand BD's now...everything is still a challenge to get through. I remember in the beginning when I believed that would change and this horrible sorrow would pass.......it's still here......