Jamie

Jamie's Sis......................I love you sis and I thank you for your kind words and support....you are always deep in my heart. How I miss "The Eyebrow". All my Love Sis......

John, I am going to try this again.....have posted 2 times this evening to you but they have not come through. I wanted to write to you the second I stopped sobbing after I read your writing and your beautiful poem but I have been battling having trouble breathing and my heart beating between 160 to 200 beats a minute since last night.....having a very hard few days. Thank you from deep in my heart for your kind words. I feel like you do...I am touched by each person on this site and the pain that they all are going through (which I wish we all didn't have to). But to know that there is a person here that knows the pain of seeing a loved one struggle with a brain tumor and understands is undescribable to me. Your Jack sounds like a wonderful person and the poem John, oh what a beautiful poem. I too hope that one day soon Herman will come to me in "Slumbers Gentle Ride". I ache to feel his touch again and smell him. Thank you for the kind advice; what a beautiful idea for a quilt. I have given a few of Herman's belongings to family and one friend. To our sons, they asked for specific items. Craige - Herman's Medic Alert Bracelet (on the day of the funeral, Craige had the bracelet hanging out of his left suit pocket with his had held tightly to it) and Herman's watch. Justin - Herman's toque that he wore each winter (Justin carried the togue in his hand at the funeral and sleeps with it now) and Herman's electric razor. To his sister Martha - the last shirt Herman wore when she gave him a back rub. To his sister Phyllis - the shirt Herman wore to her wedding. To his sister Kim - the tie Herman wore to her wedding. To Herman's Mom - the sweater she gave him on our last Christmas together. To our close friend Cyndy - a muscle shirt that Herman wore when he cut the grass and hassled Cyndy outside....she loved it!!! Herman's Dad and sister Deb are still having trouble deciding what they would like of Herman's. All of Herman's remaining belongings are as they were when he left for the hospital and will stay like that for a long time yet I am sure. I still cannot sleep in our bed, it is too empty for me, so I sleep on the couch (when I sleep that is) holding Herman's picture. John, in your writing I can feel the love you and Jack shared and I wish that I could reach through the internet waves and give you a huge hug. I ope that you will come back soon and tell me more about Jack and yourself and again thank you, thank you, thank you. May hugs......Lori aka Jamie. Derek: Thank you for welcoming me into the family and I will be there for you and all of these amazing people whenever they need me. Kim: I am going to try and post Herman's obituary that I wrote...I hope it works because then you can all see my Herman. I'll let you all try and figure out the meaning of "forever my munchkin" and "I was the eight million dollar man". Just kidding, if you can't please ask if you would like to know...there is a special meaning behind them both. (hope I had some of you smile a little...i know there is not much to smile about alot of times so I thought I would at least try). You are all such warm, understanding and caring souls and I am so glad that I found my way here. Lots of hugs.....Lori FOR_HERMAN.doc Herman_James_Kehler.doc

Deborah....Herman died 2 days before his birthday......and then came Christmas, etc. Canadian Thanksgiving was on October 10th last year and it was the last gathering that Herman was at....then on the 14th as you know all ***** broke loose. This year Thanksgiving is on October 9th...a short time away and I dread it so much. Herman will not be there and it will be so hard, yet every second of the days and nights are hard without him, still how do I go and be Thankful when I just cannot be. Like you, I feel this year will be even harder and I too wish I could just skip it all. My heart breaks for you Deborah so much and I wish I could reach through the screen and hold you. I know that I am not in any way, shape or form the one you need to hold you but I hope you can at least feel my hugs to you. Lori Hugs to all of you....I still can't believe how caring and understanding you all are.......Lori

Chrissy: I don't think we have connected yet but I want you to know that I am so VERY happy for you. Please take care of yourself and your precious boy Jason. CONGRATULATIONS MOMMY!!

Marty, thank you such very much, I love the griefprints and I feel a litle less alone in my grief being on this site. All of you are so understanding even though you too are going through so much longing and emptyness and I ache for you all. To hear that so many of you still have your loved ones belongings on the night stand, clothes hanging where they were...makes me feel not so alone in my grief. How can I ever repay you all for the kindness, love, understanding and the most important: no judgement.....there is no way. I found this site by mistake and I am so glad I did, even in the short time I have been on this site I feel like you all are closer to me than the friends and family that left me long ago. Marty,I have a copy of the eulogy but it is quite long and I would like to post it if it would be okay with everyone else. Again thank you so very much. Much love to all. Lori

I read and re-read all of your kind words yesterday and again today but I am having trouble replying because I do not know how much I can say........I am crying...no sobbing as I type because I am in a downward spiral and keep beating myself up that I should not be this way. My doctor who is also a therapist and my hospice worker tell me that I am being too hard on myself. but I don't know anymore...I don't know anything since Herman died; except how desperately I ache to bury my head in his chest and feel his arms aroud me protecting me. I have not had a dream except one since Herman died and that was not a dream, it was a nightmare....it was the night he passed away and I dreamed that they lost him in the tunnels under the hospital...that is the last time I have been able to dream of anything and I feel as if I must have done something wrong to him to not be able to have him come to me in a dream; a sign, something. My doctor and hospice councillor tell me that it is becuase I am so deep in grieve and I am and I only sleep 3 to 4 hours a night and even then I wake up drenched in sweat. I read a post yesterday that confused me...the one about it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved....I agree with that but what does it mean when I want Herman back so desperately. Herman's sister Martha has been walking beside me every step of the way, as well as Herman's parents and his sister Phyllis and I love them so much for not leaving me as everyone else has. I know I am rambling and I must not make sense but as I type I am having a hard time reading what I write because of the tears flowing...may spelling mistakes I am sure. Kim: your words that out loved ones were someone meant so much to me because it feels like now that Herman is gone they all ting he never existed but he did and he was a man you would all have loved. Your need to have an obiuary for your mother I can totally understand...I wrote one for Herman and I still have it on my fridge....not sure if that is weird either. Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I so wish I could share with you all the eulogy that his sister Martha read at the funeral service, you would know exactly what kind of man he is....generous, loving , alway thinking of everyone else except himself. KayC: thank you so much for your words, the tears flow and I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Derek, your words I don't even know how to thank you....I am only 38...I was with Herman since I was 14 and he was my sould mate, my everything. Please don'e apologize for rambling, as you can see I am too. Benita: thank you so much....I always ache to come home to Herman, then the pain sears in when I open the door and don't hear, "Hi Honey,How was your day" What I wouldn't give to hear those words again............ Gene and William, thank you from the botom of my broken heart for you kind words. Shirley, thank you so much for your response and I ache for your loss. My Herman went through 3 brain surgeries, 6 months of radiation and 4 round of chemo...the first round lasting a year, the second lasting almost 2 years, the third lasting close to a year and the final treatement was a life long chemo where he had to take 29 pills a day all taken at specified times....over 10,000 pills in the first year alone. He made his own chart to keep track until he started having many seizures and would not know where he was for 20 - 30 minutes at a time....when he went for a walk with his beloved dog, Buddie and he had an episode, Buddie would realize it and would bring him home...it was amazing because we never trained Buddie to do that. He got lost 2 times when he went out without Buddie and after that Buddie would not let him out of his sight....believe it oor not Buddie is grieving too, as well as our 3 cats. You see whenever Herman would have a tumor headache they all would be right beside him and one of our cats would lick the area that was in pain...it was amazing to see the love they all had for eachother. Herman wanted to be at home and we wanted him too be as well, but he could not sit up anymore by himself and needed a walker to walk and at times he could not walk then...I would lift him up out of bed and help him to the bathroom but it became so hard on him and he started not to be able to use the walker. I tried so hard to keep him home...my boys tried...but they ended up hurting their backs severely and my illness: fibromyalgia was starting to take it's toll....I kept doing it though no matter the pain for over 3 weeks just so he could be home with us...but then he was assessed by the doctors and they felt it was best for him to be in hospital and he agreed to go. I know I am rambling and I am so sorry. Towards the end he could not sit up, feed himself or use anything but his right arm and hand but he was my Herman...always cracking a joke, hassling the nurses (they used to fight over him in the chemo department! and check to see when he was having blood work just so they could all say hi). You see he had this amazing strength that no one could ever understand, yes he was scared and tired and sick, but that never stopped him from clicking his dentures at someone (lost all of his teeth from the radiation, or having a smart remark, being there for anyone who needed help no matter how tired he was and he worked 15 years out of the 17 full time...went back to work a week after brain surgery. He even told me in the hospital to stand on the right side so he could cop a feel!!!! and argued with the nurses about the oxygen mask...kept trying to take it off!! In know he fought so hard and I am so happy that he is no longer suffering but that does not make me not want him back.....am I selfish and mean for that...I feel I am and I don't mean to be....I just ache to hear his voice tell me everything will be okay like he used to as he held me and I held him. Deborah: I did not forget you, how could I , we seem to be going through so may similar events and feelings. I ache for you so very much and I wish I could hold you and rock you and make this horrible existance beter fo you....I wish that I could do that for all of you but I can't becuase I can't even do that for myself. I'm having a hard time starting an email to you and I don't know why but I hope that I will be able to soon. I have one last question for you all since I have gone on enough.....I cannot pack any of Herman's belongings away and I still cannot sleep in our bed....am I crazy? My doctor and hospice worker tell me that I will when I feel the time is right.................. Thank you so much for listening and again I apologize for rambling........

I thank you all so very, very much.....my husbands name is Herman and I too ache to hear someone say his name, talk about him, listen to me talk about him...it hurts that some of the people (family members and friends) that I thought would be there for me are not, yet I truly hurt more for Herman than myself. You see they made alot of promises to him on his last day that he heard and it hurts so much because I know that if the tables were turned no matter how sick he might be from a treatment, he would be there for them 150%, that is the kind of man he is. Even my boys will not talk much, I guess they need to grieve in their own way. My youngest has been a rock for me though and I know they ache to have their dad here too. But I so need to talk to them about their dad....does that make me a bad mom? I miss Herman so very much and I feel empty all of the time. I try and find joy in our grandduaghter as you said Gene; yet it is such a double sided sword knowing that they will never hold eachother. She does have a similarity of her grandfather......cannot stand her feet to be covered no matter how cold her litle toes are! Thank you all so much for allowing me to talk. Lori

I had sent this as a message to Larry'sGirl and I want to thank her for her response and her words so very much. I didn't know how to post, still not sure if I am doing it right, so I had read her writings and felt an immediate connection to her situation. So this is what I had writen: This is the first time I have ever written and I am scared doing it, I have been shot down by alot of people that I thought would be there to support me. My husband passed away on November 13, 2005 at the age of 40; 2 days before his birthday, and I am struggling to hang on. I miss him desperately; he is my everything. My husband had 2 types of brain tumors encased in one and went through 3 brain surgeries, radiation and 4 rounds of chemotherapy (he was still on chemo before he passed away) in 17 years. He worked full time 15 out of those 17 years and finally agred to stop working becuase he was getting tired. On October 7th he got results of the MRI - the tumor was stable, he was so happy, the happiest I had seen him in a long time and was making plans on renovating our home and so much more. Then on the 14th he lost all functions and was admitted to the hospital....the tumor had not grown and everyone was confused, but he started walking again in the hospital and came home on the 18th like nothing had ever happened. That only lasted 2 days and again he lost all his functions which was always his worst fear, and was admitted back into the hospital. More tests, more confusion; the the news..the tumors had overpowered the chemo and there was no more chemo options. You see he was on drugs in his last 2 chemo treatments that only 4 other people in the world had ever taken before. Through all of this he always had a joke to crack; he was amazing in his strenght and courage and the doctors actually cried when they told us that there was nothing left they could do. My very best friend, my husband decided to come off his chemo on Novemner 3rd since it was no longer working and enter a pallative care unit. He was placed on a waiting list and remained in the hospital, unable to move, except for his right arm a tiny bit, his speach was slurred but he kept fighting and was looking forward to going to pallative care where he could be with our 2 sons, his dog: buddie and our 3 cats. Then on November 12th he developed pneumonia and they did not think he would make it through the night but he did, he beat the pneumonia and was still able to talk with us a little. Our youngest son was able to read him a letter of love and we knew he heard it because the left hand that he could not use for over a month, he used to squeeze our sons hand; and he got to hear our oldest son tell him that he would be a grandfather and he said the word grandfather 3 times with tears flowing from his closed eyes. Then in the afternoon of the 13th he got bacteria in his blood. The doctors tried to get the bacteria out but it did not work and he passed away at 8:20 p.m. on November 13, 2005. Now, I am left with only existing and not wanting to without him. We have a baby granddaughter that he will never hold and it tears me apart. To me when I hear people that have not been through this hell on earth that time heals all...I want to say to them, no it does not....time goes on but my life ended when my husband died. I was with him since I was 14 years old, more time with my very best friend than I was not and I am empty, lost and so very, very alone. Now I have people telling me it has been over 10 months, get on with it, etc. etc. What I need to know from all of you is am I crazy, I can't "get on with it". How do you do that when you have lost your word. I am sorry for rambling and I thank you for listening.