Anearia

I always told Lars that guilt was a useless selfish emotion that feeds on itself. Now here I am wallowing in guilt and not able to find any way clear of it. Early days everyone tells me, take one day at a time, these things take time, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you did everything you could , you had no way of knowing, he brought it on himself blah blah blah. It all sound so utterly self-serving.

Lars was so much more ill than I could even have imagined, and I was so tied up in my self protective web that I didn't even see the signs of him packing up his life. Small things in life, huge things now that he’s gone. Not wanting me to put money into his bank account, not renewing his cell fone contract, having the vehicles serviced, refusing to go back to hospital, not taking the meds he had been given the day before he died, phoning people he hadn't spoken to in years, going to see people he wouldnt usually visit…. All this in the last 2 weeks of his life. He knew. He didn't tell me. He didn't say he loved me he didn't fight it.

I want him back. Now