Finch

This is the first Thanksgiving since I lost Crystal. I would love celebrating it with her (from afar). Every single year it was such a fun time for us. I feel so incredibly sad and angry thinking of her family going through their first without her at the table. I wish I could share with them the joy she expressed to me at this time of year and how excited she always was to prepare for it.

I want to comfort them. And be comforted by them. Sigh.

This is also the time of year we would both be preparing to send big holiday boxes of gifts to each other. I still have unopened gifts left from last Christmas. Unopened, unmoved.

Even though this time of year is painful for most of us on here, I send my best wishes to my American friends at this time. 

Hi Lisa. This place has been a source of sanctuary, to be able to interact with others who can relate, even if our stories are very personal and feel hopeless at times. I'm so sorry about John.

Thanks alot kay.

This feels like a major dip in the rollercoaster. I will try to ride it out.

Today is a really bad day. The last few days.

I miss her so much.

Sorry, I got a bit confused in what I was trying to convey. Yes, I was told to tackle the depression and extreme anxiety first - which I have done with anti-depressant meds. To make the grieving easier and to allow me to have a clear head to engage in things like mindfulness.

With the anxiety though, that's something that I've had my whole life, amplified now since losing Crystal. I have done alot of work to reduce the more extremes of it but it is part of who I am and part of the reason I never met Crystal in person

They manifest mostly in panic attacks, which had actually subsided until my recent visit to the medium, after which they returned with a vengeance and actually, since then I've been on a downward spiral. I feel more despair. I wonder if my anti-depressants need changing. Or is it just the pattern of grief? I don't know.

Energy wise I am ok. I am doing exercise regularly. My diet is fine. My sleep patterns are a bit unpredictable and I occasionally have private fits of rage.

On 11/9/2016 at 1:52 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Finch.  It's good to know that you aren't totally alone on this journey.  I don't have much support from friends or family so I am very, very thankful for the wonderful folks on here.  I can understand how you are missing your Crystal.  It isn't fair for any of us here.  I hope you have success with the new councellor.  I'm sending you best wishes too.  I will have to find where you are on a map.  If I ever get over that way I can wave as I fly over.  I have family in Scotland, England, and France.  I hope to make a trip in the next 5 years.

Our weather forecast is not anything to look forward to.  More rain.  Much of my property is underwater right now.  Thank goodness that at least the buildings are still on dry land.  One of my horses hates water so watching her try to maneuver around out in the field is entertaining anyway.  I'm doing a couple of mental health courses right now and I'm almost too busy with it.  Some is good but some is a real struggle for me.  Mindfulness is one that I go to weekly for 1 1/2 hours, we did chair yoga yesterday and so I'm kind of broken today.  My body made popping and snapping sounds with some of the movements and my sternum was the worst!!  It hurt but the sound was so loud that I burst out laughing.  Tomorrow I go for Reiki and that is peaceful. The other mental health thing I'm doing is on line and it is to help with anxiety and depression.  I might be doing too much because I'm having to stifle my grief to be able to do the other stuff... Time will tell I guess.  Thanks for listening.

If you happen to be having tea with the Queen please let her know that I am impressed that she still rides  I hope you got a smile from that thought.  Be well my friend.

 

Marita, I will be sure to pass on my regards to the Queen when I next see her. We usually play Croquet every Sunday.

Chair Yoga sounds pretty hipster. Good on you for giving it a go.

I once did an anxiety thing online, it was called Fear Factor. Mainly using CBT techniques. It was a few years ago. At the moment I keep being told by people that I must work through my grief before trying to tackle the anxiety side of things, doing mindfulness etc, because it's supposedly not good to try do so so when clouded by grief and depression. But it all feels so interlinked.

I live in Buckinghamshire, just north of London, so still in the South East of the UK! I will wave back when you fly over. 

Crystal visited England (and Wales) twice. She loved it. Her grandma was born in England before moving to the US, thus making Crystal a percentage English, which we used to joke about. I kept increasing the percentage of her Englishness the more I taught her about English things.

Crystal, I miss you, I love you.

Hi Marita,

I have people who have been there for me in varying degrees during my grieving. My two sisters, my parents (sort of - it's complicated), they have done alot to support me. I still feel 'alone' in my grief, or maybe that's the loneliness of being without Crystal. Unfortunately my grief counsellor was ill and missed our last appointment. I am seeing another one tomorrow (I see two... which is a bit strange, but I am slowly weening off of one of them).

I'm so sorry you feel so alone after what you have been through. It's not fair, is it? I am here to listen.

How are you today? Is the weather a better prospect at least? I am missing Crystal so much today. I miss her laugh and her jokes.

All the best to you

Kay, that symbol between you and George, the two hearts with wings, sounds lovely.

Marty, I will give the writing thing a try, I think. If I don't find it too emotional. Imagination was a powerful tool that we shared. It brought us together in fact.

Writing with my left hand could be a disaster, (my right is dominant) although ironically, Crystal was left handed.

Hi Marie,

I relate to your post and you are in my thoughts. I daily feel pain at the experiences Crystal is missing that I can't share with her. And also the experiences she is missing with her kids. They are just 11 and 7 years old. It hurts so much to think about how much she loved them and wanted to nurture them into adulthood. I'm reminded of it every time I see my 2 and a half year old niece. I love her and wish seeing her didn't remind me of this, but it does. The unfairness of it. Makes me. So. Angry.

I know that the grandparents do everything to keep her memory alive for them.

I hope you do find ways to honour the love you and Kevin shared (and share!). I hope that it gets easier to do so with time, and reading peoples' experiences on here, there is hope for that.

2 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

@Finch how are you doing?

 

you are often in my thoughts...

Hey Marita,

Thank you 

I really appreciate it.

I'm ok. It's been rough recently, compared to the recent average. But today has been ok-ish and I feel better than when I last posted in this thread. Typical for a weekend when I have more thinking time anyway. My main feelings at the moment are a sort of... confusion, feeling like I am in a wilderness trying to find a way through. Feeling like I am not entirely sure who I am anymore, what my values are, what I believe in, what I want to be. Would Crystal recognise the person I am becoming, I wonder. Can I live up to being the person she saw me as? I don't want to let her down. She always believed in me.

Tomorrow I see my grief counsellor so I will talk all this through.

I hope you are doing ok?

Thanks Marty. I did check out the link. Much of it resonated with me and made me feel a little less isolated in the specifics of my relationship with Crystal. Particularly the parts recognising 'cyber grief' as real grief (even though I don't like categorising it semantically as cyber grief, given a myriad of real life elements to our relationship), the difficulty in suffering such grief, the stuff about the unique challenges really struck a chord:

There are some unique challenges when grieving a virtual friend.  I can’t list them all here, but there are a few common examples:

• You often don’t learn about the death right away, because the person’s real-life community didn’t know/think to notify you.
• You may or may not have a relationship with their other online friends, or their real life friends.  If you don’t, there can be a feeling of isolation that no one else you know is grieving the person.
• You may feel self-conscious talking about it.  Though you are distracted at home or work, the fact that it was an online friendship may make it hard to tell a boss, friend, or family member that you are grieving an online friend.
• If you had intentions of someday meeting in real life, but just had not gotten to yet, you may now feel a sense of loss of that hope for the future.

All of the above apply to me.

So, thanks again.

On 10/31/2016 at 1:59 PM, kayc said:

It sounds like the medium wasn't authentic, there are a lot of charlatans out there.  I'm not into all that stuff, I know some people are, so usually when people start talking mediums, I quietly exit, I just don't have much to say.  It's against my religious beliefs and not wanting to get into that, I just avoid such topics.  But there are alot of people who do go to mediums and a good many that feel they were helped by them, I know Maryann had a good experience, so I can't and won't judge that.  I'm sorry your experience wasn't good.  Whatever you do, do not let this color your relationship with Crystal.  She loved you in her life and she loves you still, you were very real to each other.  It was to each other you turned, to each other you poured your hearts out to.  You had what George and I called "friendship with wings"...something that began in friendship and it inevitably grew wings, that other dimension...it's understandable the love you felt for each other when you had such a connection!  That kind of love does not die because one's physical body gave out!

I'm sorry you're having a panic attack, they're so hard to ride out.  I pray for peace for you today.  I pray you can rest in peace knowing her love for you continues, just as yours does for her.  THAT is what she wants for you, that you rest in the knowledge of yours and her love.  Just as you know the truth and know her better than the "medium", hang on to that truth, you KNOW already inside your heart, just turn to it.

Thanks Kay, for your kind words and support.

6 days removed from the reading, I am now 100% convinced it was not legitimate. Maybe on one level she was trying to offer me comfort after the first part of the reading failed so miserably. But I can't help but feel anger at the manipulative techniques used. I respect your beliefs on this subject. Technically it is also against my religious beliefs, as someone that is Jewish, although not an orthodox one.

Immediately following the reading, it felt really really bad. I felt if it wasn't legit, I had to accept the permanence and finality of Crystal being gone all over again. I could no longer cling onto the minute hope that I could contact her.

My panic attacks have lessened slightly since the experience, but my overall anxiety levels are still up.

Am I open minded about trying this again with another medium? I don't know. 

I do know that my love for her will never die. The connection we had was indestructible. Your description of a 'friendship with wings' makes me smile. When we initially met online my username was Finch (with a Finch for an avatar), and we used to make all sorts of bird related puns/wordplay. She sometimes told me that I made her heart soar, or one day I would spread my wings and fly for real (given I had a fear of actual flying). 

Marty, I have on several occasions thought about writing to Crystal. I used to write to her every single day. I've just found it too painful to do it properly. To do it knowing there will be no response. 

I had a panic attack this morning for the first time in ages.

God, I hate this. What the hell am I doing?

At one point she pointed at a £15k lottery ticket voucher above her door and said she won it the day before, and that they usually aren't supposed to use their gifts for their own gain but... etc

Struck me as odd. 

The more I dissect the experience the more I think it was not legit.

I sort of regret going due to the pain it has caused me. I had the worst day in months yesterday. I know some advised against it. But I know before going I felt it was something I had try try even if there was a miniscule chance of it working.

But I feel like this has set me back.

She also said Crystal gave up when she lost her hair.

No, she didn't. She bought funky wigs, dyed her shorter hair crazy colours and kept fighting.

Hey Robin,

Sorry you've had a bad day. Just checking in to tell you that I am thinking of you and share and relate to your feelings..

I did a face to face with a Medium today.

It left me feeling confused and distressed. Nothing specific came through that made me go 'wow, how did she know this?'. But there was alot of general stuff, and things she said after I had volunteered certain information, that rang true. I went in not saying anything about why I was there and initially she got a bunch of people through who were not Crystal, but also were not recognisable to me from her descriptions. I thought maybe one might be my Grandad but this person was a trainspotter and my Grandad was not. After a time she said she would stop the reading and not charge me for it as she was not getting anything that I wanted, but I broke down in front of her and at that point she asked me who I was trying to connect to as she could see I was desperate to do so. After that, she agreed to resume the reading and said she made contact with Crystal and that maybe it was a woman who she had tried in the first part of the reading that was supposedly in her 70s and had died of cancer and before her time. Anyway, Crystal told me not to feel guilty, was almost apathetic to my feelings of guilt (in that they do not matter). And to say she was not able to give me what I gave her (I feel like it was more the other way round though). And to say thank you. 

I didn't mention we never physically met, though I did eventually say it was a long distance relationship.

Also, when I told her Crystal's name, she gasped and walked me over to her kitchen cutlery draw, opened it, and there was a sweet inside that she said she picked up off the floor this morning and decided to place in the draw, and it had the word 'Crystal' on it. I'm not sure what to make of that. 

I feel so confused and scared. Scared because, if this was not legit, what do I do now? And if it was legit... it didn't feel like Crystal to me. The lack of emotion and, the word 'apathy', even though it was meant in a positive sense... I don't know what I was expecting. I tried to be skeptical going in, but I let the hopeful side take over.

It scared me that she said Crystal was coming through quite 'muddled'. And it made me fear it's because we never met. But I guess she was at least coming through. She also said we may be together again. I didn't like the word 'may'. But I also wasn't expecting it to be everything I wanted to hear.

I know Crystal and I didn't feel like it was her. I didn't feel her love.

I've spent the last few minutes looking on youtube for debunking mediums and cold reading as I want to convince myself this was not legit.

I'm also considering seeing another medium just so I can cross reference it with this experience.

Sigh

On 10/23/2016 at 0:25 AM, WolfsKat said:

Dear Finch.......I do not think ANY of us think we have "amazing advice" (well, Marty may be the exception, of course!)........believe me, just "listening"......sharing your thoughts & feelings......giving sincere sympathy and understanding........letting others vent their true feelings, and empathizing.....THIS is what is amazing, and so appreciated!

Thanks WolfsKat.

This place has been a salvation to me in that respect. Having somewhere I can go to where people can relate and understand what I am going through. And relating to what others are going through.

I just wish there was a magic button I could press for all of us.

4 hours ago, kevin said:

Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

I often find myself having a similar attitude. It would actually be quite liberating if it wasn't born out of such sadness.

Thank you both. I will try.

Halloween - one of Crystal's favourite times of the year. She loved trick or treating with her kids, and decorating the house. She would pull out all the stops.

But it was last year's Halloween where she found out her cancer came back. I'll never forget how that felt when she told me. 

Nevertheless she carried on. She celebrated it in full, for the kids. 

We talked about how she would fight it with everything.

I have so many joyful memories of her at Halloween. Years and years worth. I wish so much it was not clouded by that one horrible memory. 

I feel sick thinking of her kids having it without her this year. 

I don't know whether to try and celebrate it at all in honour of her or succumb to the negativity I now can't help but view it with.

I am so done with today.

Sending my thoughts and wishes to you Butch.

So, my experience with this Medium photograph reading over email was not very positive.

I went into this very sceptical so I am not totally surprised, just disappointed. 

I am now considering seeing a Medium face to face just to further sate my curiosity on this avenue.

Anyway, if you all don't mind, I will share some of this experience with you.

Basically, I sent this woman 10 photos of Crystal, told her her first name and date of birth, and a number of questions and messages I wanted to convey (16 in total). Some were very specific things. The medium, a few days later, sent back a document answering each question/message one by one, with what she said were Crystal's responses.

The responses were extremely general, and the only times they got specific, sounded completely unlike something Crystal would say. Some things were completely wrong, such as the punchline to a private joke I had with her, or gifts I had sent her. For example I asked if Crystal had opened the final gifts in the Christmas box I sent. Apparently she said thank you for the 'bracelet'. I never sent a bracelet.

Also, Crystal apparently wants me to cut my hair, sleep better and knows I have been eating unhealthily. For the last month or so I have been eating very healthily and exercising. My hair is very short anyway, and my sleeping has been ok-ish. It could do with improving, but not a pressing matter.

One of the things I asked was whether Crystal thinks I should contact her family again, particularly her Dad. The Medium, conveyed that Crystal said that yes, I should reach out to all her family and 'party on dude'. Of course, the Medium has no idea about the context of my relationship with Crystal. I did not mention we'd never physically met. And Crystal NEVER said 'party on dude'!

She said that Crystal's Nana is guiding her in the spirit realm. Crystal's Nana is still alive (as far as I am aware anyway... it's possible she could have passed on since Crystal died).

I asked for Crystal's forgiveness for the regret and guilt I had (about not meeting her). I did not say to the Medium what the regret and guilt were about, and her response was that Crystal forgives me.

She also apparently thought the message I gave to Crystal's friend to give to her the night before she died was 'perfect'. And yet in a previous answer said that she did not recognise anyone or understand anything at the end.

Also, this line sort of angered me:

'The decision to part was something that your souls chose when they began their journey in this life. She sacrificed her time in order for you to learn your soul lessons.'

So, she died at age 38, leaving her two young children behind, so that I could learn my soul lessons?

The thing that got me the most was the punchline to the joke. The Medium's answer for Crystal's response to it was totally wrong. This is a joke we shared practically every other day. 

So anyway, as I say, this was a reading over email... so I am still slightly open minded about a face to face reading (not with the same Medium). I am researching other Mediums who live local to me.

I went into it practically assuming I would be disappointed. And, I am disappointed. Some of the answers were so blatantly obviously overgeneralised to apply to as many situations as possible.

But at least I can tick it off the list. I tried.

On 10/4/2016 at 0:48 AM, SoLost said:

Hello I'm new to this site but my pain is raw and real. Finch I am too grieving a friend that was more then a friend. We loved each other but had our own families. I too find myself stalking his families pages to see what's going on. He had a double lung transplant 3 years ago and I met him over 2 years ago. We actually did get to meet and we had lunches together and we talked about life and what we wanted. We agreed to be together but then I decided to cool things down because it didn't seem like we would ever be together. We agreed to be friends and talk which we did he would tell me how much he missed me and I the same he would beg me to meet up for lunch but I always declined because I wanted a life with him and it hurt that I couldn't have that. Well September 9th he messaged me and I went back to sleep never answering his message. Then I found out he went into the ICU on the 12th with acute rejection. As if that wasn't enough I ended up taking my son to the ER the same hospital he was in days before he passed?!! I had NO clue I could have said goodbye. I missed my chance. I pray that he comes and visits me in my sleep just to let me know he's ok. I've had that happen with other frirnds so I know it can. But no luck yet. I missed his funeral but found out today where he is buried. 

I hate this I hate this feeling and I'm on prozac. NOT HELPING!! It dose suck being the best friend but not allowed to be there. I feel you pain I do.  

Hi SoLost.

Thank you for posting here and relating to my story. I can certainly relate to alot of the aspects of this friendship you had, about how it was so much more than a friendship. I can completely understand what it is like to love someone with everything you have, but who has their own family and life and practical things standing in the way. I also understand what it is like to want so badly to be with someone but not be able to. Our reasons for that may be quite different, but I'm sure alot of the feelings and emotions are the same. I'm glad that you both had the amazing opportunity to meet and look into each others eyes, and talk about life together. What I would not give for one chance to meet Crystal in person. 

I do not blame you for checking his family's Facebook pages, it's only natural that you want to have some connection to his life still. It's become somewhat of a ritual for me.

When he messaged you on the night of the 12th, you could not have known that he would end up in the ICU, or that you were in the same hospital. I would assume some of his family were able to be around him at that time? If you are worried he was alone or something.

I'm glad you found out where he is buried. It was a small relief to discover where Crystal is laid to rest, even though I cannot ever visit her. Are you going to visit the grave?

I hope your pain eases. And if you want to share more thoughts and feelings given our situations have similarities, I am here to listen, even if I may not have amazing advice to offer.