Finch

I have been unwell the last couple of days. This has involved a few rather fierce headaches. Every time I have one I break down and cry because I realise as much as it hurts, and it hurts alot, it's nothing to the pain that Crystal likely went through with the headaches she had towards the end. I just cannot bear her being afraid. That's the worst thing.

I'm so sorry, Marita.

How does one come to terms with or deal with the fact that their loved one suffered the physical pain of or leading up to dying? As far as I am aware, Crystal had a painful last few days due to the fast spread of the cancer. She was heavily sedated during this time which helped control it I think.

Half the problem is, I'll never truly know how much pain she was or wasn't in because I wasn't there.

But I find it immensely difficult to find any way to be at peace with what she may have gone through. Someone you love more than anything, someone you want to protect, having to go through that. 

Thanks for hosting this invaluable site, Marty, and the support you give everyone. Happy Birthday.

1 year and 1 month mark.

Sigh.

Whisky

On 2/2/2017 at 4:07 PM, Lynne58 said:

Finch, My grief & the way I feel is so much like yours. Me & my life partner the instant we met eyes it was truly love at first sight  We were inseparable only time we were apart was due to work. My love starting getting this cough in March2016. It kept getting worse & I would beg him to go to the Dr but he would just tell me it was just his sinuses acting up. This went on until right after the New Year.  I finally got him to go to the ER,after being sent home from work,we were there 8hrs. The Dr came in with his dx of cancer in his right lung & cancerous lymph nodes in his right throat thats why he was coughing.  Things got very bad very quick. He was dx on Jan 3rd & on Jan 9th at 430 am he was gone. I was taking care of my love from our home, he only wanted me, but on the 9th about 1am he was in excruciating pain & his lips were turning a blueish color & he had fallen between our bed & TV. So, I called 911 & as weak as he was he kept sayinv no Lynne no. He wanted to die in my arms. But, as much as I would've wanted that I was still praying he'd come out of some of this plus I couldn't do it to his family.  The ambulance guys said I couldn't go with him so I gathered up what I thought he might need & left. I never saw him alive again. The Er Dr came out the 1st time & told us he went into cardiac arrest but were able to bring him back the Dr also said his body was riddled with cancer even in his bones. Told us they were in the process of moving him to critical care in the ICU but he went into cardiac arrest again & they couldn't bring him back.  I collapsed and just screamed NO, my son was on the phone freaking out he said he has never heard me like that before. I was hysterical. Then I told them I wanted to see him. When I saw him I just begin sobbing & I took his hand in mine & gently stroked his hair & kept kissing his face his forehead getting real close to his ear begging him to wake up. I stayed in there until they physically took me away. But, while I was in there with him alone all of a sudden I felt a warm presence around me. I said baby is that you....the chaplin saw & came in & said yes honey that is him letting you know that he is with you.  I left my heart and part of myself there with him when I left that hospital.  I cant eat, I barely sleep. The agonizing pain through out my whole body and the hurt & ache in my heart is so unbearable that I can barely breath. The love we shared was so intense so wonderful beautiful.  I keep thinking he's going to come walking through that front door and this was all a terrible dream. He was the other half of me and without him my life just doesnt work. I/we loved each other intensely.  He was funny, caring, giving, loving most Wonderful man I have ever known.  He worried all the time about making sure I was taken care of.   And I the same. He had diabetes and I was always asking him about his levels, etc...  Baby, my truest love I will never stop missing you or loving you. I can not wait until we are brought together again, in heaven???

Lynne, I'm deeply sorry for the profound pain you are suffering and how raw it must feel. You have alot to work through, and it's going to take time, and it's going to seem impossibly hard. Everyone on this forum has been going through their own journey, and the shared experiences and support have helped us to cope. I hope you find this to be an outlet.

I echo everyone else in saying you need to start taking physical care of yourself, in the same way your partner would want you to. I barely ate a thing for days and weeks after losing Crystal. I soon found myself going in the other direction, which led to me putting on weight and becoming very unhealthy (though in part this was because of side effects to the anti-depressants I was taking at the time). But eventually I managed to get a handle on it with a healthier diet and lots of exercise, and that improved my mood somewhat.

At this stage you need to try and take each minute by each minute. Do you have support from your family and friends?

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky.  Even brothers, sisters and friends.  It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory.  You have your own family to protect too.  It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up.  I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love.  And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered.  They cannot defend themselves.  

Every situation is different.

I was lucky enough to find just the right person to contact. I do not for one second regret contacting Crystal's friend. I did so very diplomatically, even at a time of desperation and panic, and the friend was very receptive.

Without doing so I would not have gotten that final message to her the night before she died, or know about her final days. Or know that her ashes are planted with a tree by a lake. Or know her kids are doing ok. Crystal was the woman I loved for 12 years, not just a friend. I had and have every right to know the things I wanted to know and I refuse to punish myself for wanting to know them and for wanting to lessen my suffering. She wouldn't want that for me. She obviously wouldn't want it for her kids or parents too, and I recognise that.

She told me on many occasions that I should contact her dad should we lose touch. She said it to me again, on the phone just 1 week before she died. She gave me his address, his phone number, his email. Years ago I gave her those of my own sister in case something happened to me. It was a pact we had, one to the grave and one we took very seriously. We didn't lay out exactly all the details, but neither of us were to be left in the lurch, forever wondering what happened to the other. If anything I would be betraying her by not carrying it out. 

So I don't regret contacting the father either. Again, I did so extremely sensitively and diplomatically, at a time of great inner struggle, panic, guilt and desperation. In fact I award myself a (GOLD) medal for doing it in such a way that juggled all these factors. And he said to me it brought him great joy to know we had a strong friendship, and he thanked me for being her friend. That meant so much to me. To hear that from her father. I did not tell him any details beyond anything platonic when it became clear he did not know about us. I just wouldn't do that. It helped to give it some time so my judgement was less cloudy and I thank those on this forum for advising caution. They have their own memories of her that I do not wish to interfere with. But I don't regret contacting them, personally. Which is why I recommend to Numb, that she doesn't do anything rash, talks it out with someone she can trust, (I am lucky in that everyone in my own life I have told has been incredibly understanding and supportive) and lets some time pass to see if the urge to reach out is still so strong, if it has little risk and is a way to give her even a tiny amount of comfort. 

My grief counselor has supported me in these actions, encouraging me to do what feels right, as he knows that I will always do so while considering these peoples' feelings.

21 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm sure some of his friends might have known just like a few of mine did, but I have know way of knowing who. I pray all the time maybe one of them did and that person might reach out to me and give me some sort of resolve I'm yearning for. 

It was a hard pill to swallow to realise that noone knew about me, but as I said earlier, I see this now as a reflection of how special it was. I hope one day too you might see it like that if that turns out to be the case for you.

17 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Yes when I read through some of your posts I identified with a lot of what you were feeling. I confided in a few friends, some I wish I wouldn't have as only one has been very supportive. My husband does not know. He can be pretty crazy and there is no telling what he would do if he found out. Another reason why contacting anyone would be risky. That is why most of the times we saw each other I was paranoid, paranoid he would somehow see or find out. So we were going to meet a little out of town that next week. That was the last conversation we had, planning that day that never came. Then of course the text I never responded to. That will haunt me forever. I did send the sister a fb message just saying I was a friend and I was sorry, really just feeling her out to see if she might know. Evidently she didn't she just said thank you. That hurts too wondering if I meant as much since he didn't tell her.  I didn't tell my siblings of course but I am not that close as I think he was to her. I even considered contacting her through a fake Facebook anonymously just to see how she would react. That's what I was thinking is I would wait and see how I feel about it as time continues. Some days I feel like I will just die if I don't do something. My head starts getting dizzy and I just feel sick. I am 33 and I can't imagine living with this terrible pain for another 50 plus years. My only other idea was contacting a guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. It was actually his fb status that let me know he had passed. I don't know how good of friends they were recently though but I don't think he would judge me or tell anyone. But I don't know how much good it would do either. But I talked to him about personal things in high school of course that was years ago. I also have to worry about opening up a door for continued messages from him or my husband finding his reply etc. Certainly seems crazy to worry about it now that he isn't here anymore. I loved him so much he was everything I ever wanted and he wasn't never mind. So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had. As long as he was alive I felt there was more to come and there was a reason I met him even if I wouldn't know for years to come. I always thought at some point in this life we would be together. All that hope is gone and I feel like everything is just so hopeless. I do love my husband but he's had an off and on drug problem and has put me through pure hell at times. He was my silver lining and everything I could ever want. He recently sent me a fb friend request which I at first didn't accept because I didn't want my husband to ask who he was how I knew him or anything. But I couldn't resist accepting it. It felt so good to have that connection. To be able to see when he was active. I looked at it all day to see when he was on there. There were periods in those years we didn't see each other or talk much when we were trying to do the right thing, and I thought well no matter what happens I feel better now that we are connected on fb and I can see how his life is going and know he is here. Now he is gone just when he was opening up more than he has before and I was beyond excited to see him. I pick up my phone all day and want to look at his page even though I know nothing has changed. So I look at his family's instead. I am still struggling very much with acceptance he was just so alive. The last time I saw his face was in a FaceTime call. He said why haven't we done this before it might be the only way we get to see each other. We were having trouble getting schedules together to see each other. He was excited about his motorcycle and told me about it. He was just beaming. I said jokingly but serious too "please don't die on it" and he just laughed and said "what." That's how he died. That's the last time I ever "saw" him was on that call. 

I also experienced the loss of a dream. The hope of a relationship in the future. I still dream about it. 

I am 35 and one year ago I could not see myself reaching 36. But I'm here, somehow.

The guy you were friends with in high school sounds like the safest option if you were to approach anyone. I can only tell you from personal experience that when I contacted one of Crystal's friends, I was glad I did, mainly because it filled in some gaps about things I was desperate to know surrounding her final days. But I played it very cautious and didn't say more than I was a concerned penpal from overseas. The friend was very helpful and it relieved some of the desire I had to contact her family. But your situation might be different so may not have the same outcome. That's why it's good to give it some time and think more clearly down the line.

Don't punish yourself about the fact that he seemingly didn't tell anyone about you. I have accepted that Crystal did not tell anyone about me. At first I was confused and angry about it, but now I actually see it as something beautiful. What we had was special, unique, personal and private. An escape for both of us. We had each other and that's all we needed. She had her family and other life there. Noone else needed to know. I was hers and hers alone. Maybe the same for you? It sounds like you were in a complex situation, both of you. You didn't tell your husband, and he didn't tell his wife. You know how much he meant to you, why wouldn't it be the same from his point of view?

Do you have kids?

I know you don't feel like it now, but if friends are not a good option, speaking to a proper grief counselor might be an outlet just to have someone listen to everything you need to get out. You said you feel like you will just die if you don't do something. Well, something proactive to do, especially in your situation where you are keeping this from your husband, you need to find outlets for your grief, for the good of your mental and physical wellbeing. So a counselor might be one. Especially as your grief is so complicated. It's really hard to unpack all the elements and make sense of it all. Don't face this alone, please.

Thinking of you, Marita.

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. I feel like I absolutely can't make it today. It just gets harder instead of easier. I'm in the bathroom pretending to take a shower so really I can sit in here and cry. I'm just having a total breakdown today. I just don't know how to just go on living my life like he was never here. I look at that screenshot of a text between us just to remember he was. It just hurts so bad I still don't feel like it can be real. I am just sitting here shaking and there is no amount of counseling or medication that could fix it. I see how everyone hurts for his family and I wonder but who hurts for me? I'm just no one sitting here with nothing but a bag of dirt to comfort myself. One friend encouraged me to contact his mother as she said a mother would want to know anything about her son and would want any opportunity to talk about him. While I'm not going to do that because I have no way of knowing how she would take it, as a mother of a son myself, I would want someone to contact me. I would never want anyone my son loved in any way to hurt like this alone, and I would want to talk about him to anyone that wanted to talk about him also. I just can't believe it's true that I will never see him in this life again or be able to say what I want to say. Yesterday I keep having this conversation come back about when his child got older and it just makes me sick because he will never see that. I imagine how devestated he would have been if he had known he was going to die right before Christmas. I don't know how to go on and lead even a semblance of a normal life. I look at my clothes in my closet and I don't want to wear some of them because I remember wearing them with him, or even talking to him while wearing them. I used to care so much about what I looked like and now I feel like it doesn't matter because he isn't here to see me anyway. I used to workout all the time to the point of obsession and now I feel like I don't want to it will just keep me healthy longer. I know I'm going on and on and on but I'm just so alone and it hurts so much. 

Hi,

I was reading your posts and nearly everything you said with what you have been through in the last month, I can relate to in some way. I'm so very sorry for how much this hurts and how complicated the situation is. The feelings and emotions you are experiencing, I experienced similar, and still experience. If you've read my posts in this thread then you might recognise this? I know how you feel when you ask 'who hurts for me?' To their family, you don't exist. You are invisible, a ghost. To most of Crystal's family and friends, I don't exist and I now have no connection to the things in her life bar looking from afar on Facebook and brief contact with one of her friends (and 1 very cautious message to her father). They grieve together, we grieve in isolation. They don't know how significant we were in their lives. How much we meant to them and they to us. It's not fair that what we had or what we hoped to have in the future isn't validated by others. I too often think - wouldn't Crystal's parents be upset to know there is someone hurting so much over their daughter? So much profound hurt, like them? But then I measure that against the fact that the Crystal I loved was different to the Crystal they loved. And she didn't tell them about me, so I should respect that and not risk causing them pain. It's so tough to navigate and to consider their feelings when our pain feels literally unbearable. So complicated and difficult to know what is the right thing to do and to this day I go back and forth on it. I have discussed it many times on here and with my grief counselor and with friends. I don't know if I can offer you effective advice. I am still finding my way but I do want you to know that you are not alone and I will listen to whatever you want to talk through, and everyone else here will listen.

The contacts I have made so far have been very cautious, as I said. I don't know if I will make any more. I would probably recommend that you let some time pass first before acting on any decision to contact. Let your head and heart be in a better place so that your judgement is clearer and you can more objectively weigh up the pros and cons, and they whys of doing it.

Does anyone in your life know what you are going through? Does your husband know? Any friends you can talk to who might support you?

Finch

23 hours ago, DaveM said:

Finch,

Thank you so much for bringing this up. It struck me that all my email correspondence with Dana was via gmail.  I don't have it set up as a client from which I could save it to my hard drive, and any failure in gmail could lose these precious memories forever. I tried a couple of utilities to download them, but have not had much luck. So I am forwarding them to my Outlook account where I can pull them directly  into the hard drive.

I had originally communicated with her through the gmail, because it was easy to use from my phone, so I could hear from her during the workday, if she wrote.

Anytime she left voice mail it was always a ":Hi, it's me. Call when you get a chance." And I never kept them. Big mistake, because now I do not have her voice anywhere. The emails are therefore even more important.

So thanks again for reminding us that we need to take care of this.

Dave

Hi Dave,

That's ok. I'm glad some good came out of the quandary I was in.

Did you try Google Drive's own backup software?

https://support.google.com/accounts/answer/3024190?hl=en

It might be quicker than forwarding everything to Outlook. 

Are there any home videos with Dana's voice on? Even something from her childhood, maybe?

Kay, so sorry you lost your emails. Even the mundane stuff. Did you ever contact net zero about whether they were retrievable?

2 hours ago, scba said:

Finch, are you referring to skype conversations?

No. Though we had many of those, and I've saved the majority.

I'm referring to phone texts and brief voice messages sent via an app called Viber.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I hope desperately that there is a turn around for Noah.

!!UPDATE!!

I hope I'm not jinxing it, but I wanted to let you all know... I found a way!

I found a way to retrieve the voice messages at least, if not the texts. But her voice. I've got more of her voice back. I'm so relieved. 5 days of frantic internet research.

It's a lengthy process to convert them all, there are nearly 3000 voice messages I can potentially salvage. But by golly, I'm going to do it. 40 restored so far, 2960 to go.

She was joking to me about Doctor Who, a TV show we were both fans of. And the noise of a construction site opposite her house, and a strange man on a Vespa, and the way we both pronounce the word Antarctica differently. I'd totally forgotten about that.

It makes me sad to hear us laughing and in love. But it also makes me happy. And relieved.

I didn't realise there were so many. But then, our relationship was in large part digital. Which is why so much of it is recorded in some way. Something which I have to treasure as much as I can, as there are no pictures of us together or memories of hugging her or holding her hand.

Well done AB, I hope the therapy (with a qualified grief counselor?) is a useful avenue for you. May the force be with you!

Marty, thanks for the very supportive words and for sharing the sad tale with the reel audio tape. I can definitely relate to that feeling of loss. Maybe you can take something positive from the fact that you gathered up the courage to listen to it after all that time, even if the outcome was not what you had dreamed of. Might your father have been playing the banjo even if it was your Uncle singing?

Dave, thanks. I haven't given up completely and am investigating every data recovery method know to humans.

I will update this thread if I have a happy ending to this saga. 

However painful it was, I'd like to suggest to you that it was a healthy thing for you to open up to your mother. She is your mother and she is there for you.

Also, there is no failure in taking a leave of absence from work. You are going through one of if not the hardest thing a human being can go through. You must do what you need to do to cope.

For me, I threw myself into work. Maybe too much. Tried to hide from grieving. Everyone is different.

All the best to you and try and go minute by minute, second by second, rather than overwhelming yourself with thoughts of the bigger picture.

Sigh. I don't have the energy to fully explain this and it may seem like small potatoes in the scheme of things, but long story short, last night I managed to recover some old text messages in a free texting app from Crystal that I have been trying to recover for the last year from my dead old phone. Miraculously the phone came to life last night.

I was joyous and it even included some voice messages from her. Hearing her voice again was heartbreaking and joyous in combination. I was so happy to have recovered this treasure trove. We were talking to each other about Christmas presents.

I spent a few minutes listening to them, then decided I needed to back the messages up asap, so connected the old phone to the internet. Doing this appears to have deleted them all from the app.

I managed to save a few other messages from her in a different place but the motherload seems to be gone.

I've spent the last day contacting customer support, looking for rescue software, everything. I even contacted the CEO of the company on Twitter. So far, no luck.

I just hate myself. I felt like I had her back, briefly. In my hands. I had her VOICE, her laughter and her love, right there, coming back to save me. Gone again in an instant.

This feels like a sick joke, like someone somewhere is laughing at me.

As Crystal used to say in her southern drawl when something unexpected happened - 'Well, Shootfire'.

Butch, Noah is in my thoughts. 

Hi AB3

I have been essentially drowning in guilt and regret for the last year since my loss. I find the best way to deal with it has been to just talk about it again and again and again and again, either on here as you have done in your post above, or with a counsellor. To talk it through and try and look at it realistically and with logic, as difficult as that is to do. I have been slowly chipping away at it, and can say it is less painful than it was when it felt so raw and new for me. I am seeing my counsellor in about half an hour's time and will likely talk through it again. It sounds to me like you did your best and had the best of intentions and motivations in starting work again to get things together, and it is terribly hard on yourself to punish yourself using the power of hindsight. We would all change things via hindsight if we could. We can't, but we face that together.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Finch,

I can understand how you might feel, but no one here has responded to you that way and I think we're a sampling of what's out there, so doubt you'd get an adverse response from another forum.  We're all going through the same things with some uniqueness to each person's situation thrown in.

Thank you kay. I couldn't have asked for a more understanding group of people than I found on here.

It's true that we each have our own unique aspects to our losses.

Also I just checked again and I did in fact get a reply that I somehow missed. So I'm being stupid.

Every Christmas Day Crystal would watch 'A Christmas Story' with her kids. I did it last Christmas to start joining in the tradition.

Part of me wanted to do it this year but I found it too painful to think about.

Same with Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin at Halloween.

I hope the kids watched them with their family.

The traditions that belong to just me and her... without her, they are gone.

Hi Anne,

I had no trouble signing up and have been partaking in the course

I was referring to the course forum. I made a couple of short posts and was a little sad noone replied compared to this forum. I got paranoid as I started to think maybe because my relationship with the person I lost was slightly unconventional it might not viewed as valid in the same way by other readers. But I think that is my own insecurities and anxieties driving that. The forum is not very active after all. And the main purpose is the course, not the forum. So I should not expect the kinds of interactions I have had on this site.

It's no biggie and am really grateful for the endeavour, it's a very useful resource at this time of year.

On 11/29/2016 at 3:03 PM, Finch said:

Thank you, I have signed up for this.

Noone replies to me on it. Still, I found the course of some comfort so I am thankful for it.