MyGulu

Hi All, I just went through the entire post today. Noon it made me cry as I read about your darling Chyna as I have been experiencing something similar with the passing away of my beloved pug Gulu. I still am not able to accept the loss & find myself guilty of not taking the right decisions. The pictures of all the pets posted - Arlie, Chyna, Kura & others - just make my heart leap with joy that how happy these kids are & were with us & how happy they make our lives too. I hope you are doing better now. I am glad I have found this community where I can unburden my heart without inhibitions.

Nikki, this is such a lovely letter to your Kura...Made me cry & happy at the same time. Kura & Gulu made & still make our lives so much better & happier. Gulu was my rock when I was going through some personal problems too. I do believe that Gulu's spirit too is still with us & I wish him good night every night before going to bed. If only we could hold them once more - if only they had lived their full lives...

Kayc, I am very sorry for your husband's loss. I too do not know whether or not everything happens for a reason...I cannot ever find out any good reason for Gulu's passing away. But sometimes I think we try to find a reason to make some sense of the loss. Since yesterday I am haunted with the thought that may be if I had arranged for oxygen for Gulu, he would have had a fighting chance. The Vet who came, the other one whom we consulted over phone or the paravet who administered the injections etc. - neither of them suggested that. Only it occurred to me once but I did not act on it. Now going through articles on conditions similar to Gulu's, I have read the necessity of oxygen!!! Why did I not do it myself??? Gulu was my responsibility & I did not act on my gut feeling & Gulu had to pay the price...to tell the truth I just did not know or think that he would pass away like that!!! Now in retrospect I see certain decisions that had not been taken correctly - I wish I could go back & do things differently. But this mistake can never be UNDONE...I have lost him for good...how do I live with this? I loved him so much but could not or did not do what needed to be done to protect him!!!! Nikki, take care of our health. I too hope that you do not get full blown diabetes & get the transition done to relocate near your parents very smoothly.

I read the article whose link Marty posted. Even though I did not euthanize Gulu there are many places where it strikes a chord with my feelings. There was a part where it suggested to seek forgiveness. The irony here is that Gulu never got angry with us or anyone for that matter...he, I know has already forgiven me. I am unable to forgive myself. I think like Nikki that certain symptoms which seemed natural prior to his going away, were something deeper & I did not pay enough attention. & if I did & took necessary steps, then may be just may be Gulu would be with us today...I shudder to think about the night before he passed away...I often end up with something of a cold sweat, a numbness in my limbs. I feel Gulu did not want to leave us, only we could not keep him. He just loved being with us. While at work today, I broke down twice - I had to go to the restroom to cry. Normally, what took me about an hour to do, I am now taking 3-4 hours !!! I feel distracted, choked up, unable to concentrate. Anything that interested me earlier do not any more. I hate myself now for spending so many hours on things that did not matter, if only I had spent some more time with him, then may be I would have noticed something & acted on it... I had gained a few kgs of weight last year or so & was always planning to do something about it but did not. In the weeks after Gulu went away, I had lost the weight...I find myself talking to him now & then - I was telling him that I he did not have to go away for me to lose the weight...I cry & tell him he was holding too much weight on his little shoulders, to keep us happy... Of all the pets I ever had & do have, I had the strongest connection with Gulu..with him gone I do not know what to do. When I returned home today, I broke down again. I try not to cry in front of my mother as she is also going through the same intensity of grief & seeing me like that would bring her back from whatever progress she has made, but I just could not stop myself today. And we broke down together & cried for sometime.

Nikki, please do not think you killed Kura. I know our limitations as we are not vets & cannot really know what is going on inside our pets' bodies. If we did, we would have done all we could...you did not prolong his pain. Arlie is such a beauty!! And as Arlie is your canine soul mate Kayc, Gulu was mine. Some of the pets just become so close to us that life becomes very difficult without them. Gulu loved snuggling into my lap, really enjoyed it & I enjoyed holding him - it was sort of a ritual almost every morning while I would have my tea. And now I feel empty. Every morning when I wake up, or even in the middle of the night, the first thought that comes into my mind is that Gulu is gone & I can no longer hold him or kiss him. That he should not have gone out the way he did or when he did...may be its just the love speaking. I agree that Gulu, Kura, Fluffy, Arlie & our other pets - they have received & receive way more love than they would have from most other families or owners. Thats a consolation that they were very much loved & they realized it, otherwise Gulu would not come to me everyday to be taken into my lap!! The way he looked at me just before he came to be held made me realize that, "Ok, now I will have to take him on my lap"... And when he would be left alone in a room, if he were sleeping, he would call us by barking either to take him to where we were or we would have to be there - he just did not want to be left alone...he was equally if not closer to my Mom too...everyday when she used to go to take her bath, Gulu would just go & sit there by the door till she came out I wish with all my heart that Arlie stays a really long time with you Kayc. Take care of yourself Nikki.

Fluffy is so beautiful & sweet, just adorable I am so sorry that he had to leave your family prematurely too. I am actually glad that our pets had received such love from us & continue receiving so even long after they are gone...& I am more grateful that we got them as members of our families too... Finding this community of people who understand my pain, is helping me too. At least here is a place where I can share my feelings of losing my Gulu without hesitation or inhibitions. Gulu will always be a part of my life. I just wish dogs had longer lives, at least live their lives to the fullest.

Yes, going through the links do offer some respite but I think the road to adjusting a life without my darling Gulu is quite long & tough. I just cannot stop believing that it was not his time to go....I just can't...that there might have been something that could or should have been done & this is killing me. That kid made my life so much better. I am from India & we don't normally have central air conditioning. I bought the first AC in our house for him, so that he is comfortable during summer!! Right now I am sitting with my laptop on my bed & the spot that Gulu occupied beside me is forever going to be empty. How am I going to be OK or normal again??

Hi Nikki & Anne, Thanks for understanding!! Finding myself among kindred spirits do make me feel a lot better. My mom & I will go through the links shared by Nikki after returning from work today. Sharing my thoughts & feelings with people who understand losses like this takes the heaviness off my chest a little as most people do not understand what we are going through. They either pretend that nothing has happened to give a sense of "normalcy" or they think that I should just forget and/or start moving on as its already 6 weeks!! I know I have to find my "new" normal without Gulu in my life someday but it can take a long time for that to happen. Gulu was the most precious being I have ever come in contact with in my life, pure goodness & love.. I love him so much...

Thanks Kayc for understanding! I do know that this is inevitable, would have happened someday but Gulu was relatively normal. Gulu had some problems but nothing was alarming & his sudden going away has taken us by shock. I wish he lived his full life - he was just 8years old!! I miss him literally all the time. I cannot seem to be able to function properly. Gulu was closest to my mom & me & even after 6 weeks we have not been able to accept his sudden departure. The bond I shared with him was unique, very special. I miss all the little things he did everyday - the way he looked at me with his beautiful soulful eyes, the way he barked, the way he ate & everything else...he loved to bask in the sun & he radiated warmth & love like anything...his presence made such a difference in my life & with him gone life seems to have lost its meaning. I just wish he did not go like he did & stayed on with us for some more years...it still seems like an accident. a nightmare to me.

This probably is a long post but I just had to say what I needed to for this is hurting more than anything ever has. Gulu, our 8 year old pug passed away abruptly on 10th March 2016. I feel a huge chunk of me taken away - there is a hole inside me, which does not seem to get any better even after 6 weeks. I constantly feel I should have been more alert, more diligent, more caring, I FEEL AS IF I HAVE FAILED GULU IN SOME WAYS & HE NEVER FAILED ME. He had his problem with seizures for which he was under meds & a mild heart condition was detected in middle of 2014 for which also he was on meds. All precautions were in place, He was not exerted, & one fine day his heart just gave in. He started panting like anything from night...stopped peeing, was given lasix for that - got marginally better the next day - the vet came & gave some medicines & injections & again from after dinner he started panting like anything. No meds worked & by the end of the night he could not take it anymore & he passed away. I feel so angry at the vet & my inability to do anything, he was just gone in 1.5 days. When he got better the next day, we thought he was out of the woods & in his condition he could not be taken out of house. We tried as much as we could but in retrospect I keep thinking that may be we could have done that or not done something else...it was not his time to go...he was fine one day & within a matter of hours things took such a turn that I lost my dearest Gulu. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is no more...the same thing is happening to my mother. Gulu was closest to mom & me. He used to sleep with mom in her bed. She is also hardly holding it together, breaking down now & then...staring blankly at nowhere. I am worried about her. Everytime the reality strikes that I wont be able to hold him again, cuddle him again, kiss his soft head again - that Gulu will not look at me asking me to take him in my lap where he would snuggle to sleep every morning while I would be having my tea..everyday when I return from office he would not come and sit beside me in the bed, where a pillow was kept particularly for him - he loved to sleep with his head on a pillow - everyday when I wake up I knew he would be sleeping or eating in one of his usual places - everytime I realize it one more time, I feel like the wind is knocked out of me & I start sobbing like anything - this happens a number of times everyday.. I feel a constant lump in my throat - a constant tightness in my chest - physically unable to do a lot of things & getting things done like work takes a huge toll on me & my mother. Gulu was our sunshine, my soulmate, just looking at him made me feel better, OK. I even got angry at others for having everything they care for with them...I cannot understand how everything could go on just as it used to like nothing has happened... I see Gulu's face everywhere I go or am. I imagine him running towards me all the time & I picking him up again.. I see his sleepy face at work & everywhere I go. Even if I seem to be a little normal again, it just hits me out of the blue & I am back to where I was. I miss holding that kid so much that it hurts. I find it difficult to breathe at times. Gulu had 2 previous brushes with death - once a heat stroke & next another mild stroke & both the times he recovered remarkably well. & with all meds in place I had assumed that he would be with me another 4-5 years...if only I knew this could take such a turn like this.... Yes, I go on and do the things I need to do in life but catch myself crying suddenly...or fighting back tears if I am in office. He was just 8 years & he was absolutely normal one moment & then suddenly one thing after another kept happening...I don't believe in after life or anything & so the sense of loss is even more final... I dont know how to survive - Gulu was so good, so funny - there was not a single shade of negativity in him & he had no sense of self preservation - as if he relied on us completely for his well being...this made my family very protective of him. He was our baby, my confidante - Gulu gave me peace & strength. Without him I feel totally lost. life seems to have lost all meaning. The same applies to my mother too. Please help.