JJ660

After a few weeks of uncertainty, D's death was ruled a suicide. I still have my doubts about the ruling, but it is what it is. I have my days where I am feeling okay, and others where I feel completely lost and broken. I keep replaying our final conversation and thinking maybe he thought I was rejecting him or something? I was just scared, and still am. I was also diagnosed with postpartum depression (go figure!) And keep having thoughts that I don't want the baby and can't handle her. I think a portion of it is that I feel guilty that I told my boyfriend I wasn't sure I was ready to be a parent, and am worried this triggered the suicide because maybe he felt I was rejecting him? Now, I'm having to raise her as a single parent, and I can't help but think she would benefit from two parents or even my in-laws. The other side of me wants to honor his legacy by raising her. I never thought I would be doing this alone. Does anyone have recommendations for suicide support groups or grief support groups? I saw a counselor, but I felt like she merely listened to my story, instead of providing constructive coping mechanisms or referrals.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to find a grief counselor to get you through this. They ended up ruling it a suicide. We are all still stunned, and for me, the reasonable doubt is that the gas had been turned off. I wonder if he realized his mistake. I miss him terribly. He had so much to look forward to.

I was wondering the same thing. We are hoping the ME will hear our case and change it to accidental. I guess they just want to rush through each case.

Has anyone gone through the uncertainty of cause of death? We are currently awaiting toxicology and a final determination, but the coroner initially said suicide. The part that doesn't make sense is that the nozzle on the gas tank had been turned off by him, which was really odd. I'm just having a hard time with this, as he was solidifying future plans that week, and we found nothing abnormal in his search history. My mind keeps churning between anger and sadness, since I don't know if this was suicide or accidental. I'm at the point of seeking grief counseling and even looking into a medium so I can get some type of answers or closure. This is just so hard.

Thank you so much for those resources. I will research them today. We have discovered a little more information about the case, including how happy he was and was planning his future with the military. There was nothing abnormal in his search history, and apparently the tank he had used had been switched off, which would tell me this wasn't suicide. We think he was just experimenting and it went terribly wrong.

Thank you all. Unfortunately, I never heard back from the grief counselor I contacted. I'm going to have to reach out to another. We're still battling legal matters and preparing some documentation for the ME's office. Based on all the information and interviews, he was happy and planning his future. We still don't believe this was suicide.

I completely feel that way. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying to stay strong. I'm really hoping I can see a grief counselor this week. I'm having ups, downs, and everything in between. I find that getting out of the house helps tremendously, but my mind always wanders to the "what-if" scenarios that become an endless cycle.

Thank you all for the support and compassion. I am having a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. Yesterday I was very angry with him, and today I am a bit more calm. It ebbs and flows, and I'm learning to ride the wave. I've received a ton of support, especially from his parents. We have a lot of matters to handle regarding his death, but I hope to see a grief counselor soon. All of these big life changes at once are overwhelming to say the least!

My boyfriend and I knew each other 3 years. We had a wonderful relationship, and had just returned from an amazing international vacation. He was looking forward to being the best man in his brother's wedding and possibly deploying again in the near future. I found out I was pregnant before he passed. He was so supportive and said "We will get through this" and he held me all night. The last text I sent him was that I had an ultrasound this week or next to find out exactly how far along I was. Unfortunately, that Thursday he was found dressed for work in his bed with a tank of gas next to him. The medical examiner wanted to rule it a suicide, but we believe it was an accident since he had not been depressed or anything like that. Anyone who talked to him that week said he was pleasant and happy. He had even just submitted his military orders. I just keep going back in my mind blaming myself and questioning "Why?!" The crazy part of all of this is that I was much further along than originally quoted by my doctors. I had the baby just 2 days before his funeral, even though she wasn't due for another month. Fortunately, she is happy, healthy, and looks like her dad. I'm still in shock over all of this, and would love any insight or advice for coping.