Dr Lenera

On 5/27/2017 at 6:42 PM, kevin said:

Just got back from the Funeral and I am pumped....This is great  Poem that was recited and appropriate for our individual Valleys....

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe.
It’s then I have to remember
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow.
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do.
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know.
The mountain tops are glorious  

But it’s in the valleys I grow!

by Jane Eggleston

 

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Though as I've said before I'm not in any way religious, I found some meaningfulness to that poem, thanks for sharing!

Doesn't seem like you had the most observant of doctors.......

I can relate entirely to the food issue, for the first two or three months I was either eating too much for comfort, or not eating enough because I just couldn't be bothered. Plus I've always had a sweet tooth and for a while I was really overdosing on cakes...again, for comfort. But eventually all this did make me feel very unhealthy, and I made myself switch to eating better, though it was very hard....but once I'd done it for a couple of weeks it became second nature. These days I usually manage a half decent meal most evenings, though the nearness of my local fish and chips takeaway [4 minutes walk!] tends to lure me there once a week. And I still eat too many cakes!....though not as many as before, and I stay slim due to not having a car and walking everywhere.

I think that once I started eating properly again [most of the time], I felt generally better all-round....maybe not hugely so, but it did help.

In the 'early days', when I could never remember what to do,  I set alarms on my phone to go off whenever I needed to do something reasonably important a few hours later, sounds stupid I know but it may serve as a prompt for you to eat?

I hope you start feeling better soon....I think it gets a little better after two or three months, if indeed just a little.

Happy Birthday George. For somone like me who hasn't even 'reached' a year yet, I thought you post to be really positive and even uplifting to read, so thanks for posting it! And I think finding a balance is what most of us realistically are aiming for.

Btw Marg, I think it most definitely means you're more blessed than cursed!

Jo and I had no kids. So immediate family wise all I really have right now is a father who lives two hours or so away on the train, though we still speak twice a week. My mum lives right near me but we haven't spoken for over a month for reasons...well....those who I have told of the situation say that it was about 70/30 her fault...basically I could have dealt with it better, but I wasn't the main cause. It's left a hole though because she was a great support. My two half brother - well, they live nearby too, but one's a violent schizophrenic in and out of prison who won't get help, and the other has only recently broken away from the other's Svengali-like influence, so they wouldn't be any help even if I did see them regularly. Thank god then for Jo's mother and father and their respective partners, we speak at least once a week and see each other at least once a month.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you for your prayers.  I am not a religious person so the Jesus thing is out.  If I have any envy, it is of people that find solace in that.  

I envy that a bit, I must admit. And that's one reason why, while I'm in no way religious [I'm basically a lapsed Catholic, left it behind when I was about 16 for a variety of reasons], I'm in no way shape or form one of these haters that seems to be so common at the moment. If it helps one through the grieving process, then that's got to be a good thing. And I am a little jealous. But I know it's not for me. My Jo's voice inside my head, in a way her ghost posessing me, does manage to do the job some of the time during low points.

I can't even begin to imagine how bad it must be to have to deal with panic attacks along with continued grief. The nearest thing I have to that is that two evenings before Jo died I all-but-fainted in Waterloo station, and it pretty told me what was coming. And since then, every now and again during low points, I feel like I want to faint, though it never totally happens. The doctor says it's totally a form of grieving and says he can't really do anything. So I have to live with it. But it's nothing really compared to what you're going through. All I can really add is please hang on in there, and you know these things do tend to take an upwards swing eventually.

And answer to another point - yes, life sucks right now, I think that's very true....though that does me I've tried to appreciate the meagre good moments a bit more these days. 

Welcome Eagle-96, your incredibly moving post brought me to tears. Your story has similarities with mine, such as the nature of your wife's death, and we met at work also, and have no kids, and were married 15 years, were together 17. And indeed those last few days tie in very much with my story. I suppose the main difference is that my wife was constantly in and out of hospitals and had heart and heart-related problems all her life. But like you, during my darkest hours I can sometimes console myself that I with her during her last hours, and indeed during that final fatal heart attack until the medics rushed in to try to save her and ushered me out. I completely understand when you say that trying to save Lori was both the wost time of your life but also, in a way, the best. You were there with your love right at the end, just as you were at the beginning, doing everything you could for her.

It's nearly a year for me, and I so wish I could say that the pain lessens.....but I'm not sure that's true. I do think, though [well, speaking from my own experience anyway] it becomes just a little bit easier to cope with, and you find more ways to deal with the really bad times when previously there was just despair and numbness. This forum...well, I'm not religious so I don't want to offend the ones that are on here....but it's proved to be a godsend for me personally even if I don't post as often as some do.

Sending lots of man-hugs.

Sending you a virtual hug on this most difficult of days,a day which I'll also have to face soon. The deep love that you had and still have, that is clearly evident in your very moving post, has obviously helped you along this most difficult of journeys and given you strength the last 12 months, and I hope with all my heart that it's doing so today as well.

I guess I'm relatively lucky in that I stll like to do some of the things I've always done, even before Jo came into my life, notably go to the cinema, writing for a website, and go to gigs and music festivals. I think my life would be far more hellish than it is anyway if I didn't do these things, it gives me things to look forward to, and on some occasions it gives me a reason to get out of the house whereas otherwise I would stay in and avoid the outdoors altogether. Though I do keep myself to myself alot more at these things, interacting with other people not being very easy, and on some occasions I do get home and wonder if it was worth the money I paid for it as I felt I didn't enjoy it as much as I ought to have done.

It's so true that purpose seems to be lacking. I guess my sole purpose at the moment is to just keep going, to get through every day, and to try my very best to do Jo proud and not get too upset. And these thoughts do keep me going. But it's very difficult. My purpose in life was to give my disabled wife as much love and the best life she could possibly have, and now that purpose [lord, how many times can one type purpose?!!!] is gone, leaving a big gaping hole in my brain and in my life.

Marie Lee I loved the bit of your post about the wedding...must have been so incredibly bittersweet, very sad but not totally unpleasant.

I think I worked an extra long [out of choice] shift on my 11th month anniversary. They're good at letting me do that on 'anniversaries' [not entirely appropriate term I know]. I find it the best thing to do

It's pretty much the same with me. I've avoided the places we used to go. Our favourite restuarant - which we also virtually used as our local pub - had a refit and was taken over by a different company a few weeks before she died. We tried it and weren't impressed. So luckily it's not as painful walking past it as it might have been otherwise....which I do quite often as it's opposite my local cinema and nothing on earth would stop me going there.

It still seems to be Saturday evenings for me...she died on a Sunday, but for some reason it's Saturday evenings after work that still hit hardest [which is why I still tend to have that bottle of wine I mentioned elsewhere].....maybe because I try to fill up Sundays with things to do [even if they're mundane], and because we would almost always go out on a Saturday evening. On a Saturday evening when I get home, I even find getting in the darn house a bit upsetting....I'll stand like an idiot in the doorway, half way in and half way out...until my sheer lust for a cup of tea takes over....

Was almost the same for me too - Jo and I were together 17 years [married 15], which is just over a third of my life.

Those words are some of the most truthful on the subject of grief I've read so far.

11 minutes ago, JHCP said:

I too have noticed I started drinking more. It's been just over 2 years. I feel I should reign it in a bit now. Life is good (as good as it could be without Jack).  I would like to stop drinking in the day and also alone. Maybe one alone is fine. I just drink alone a lot these days. Don't feel judged I am sure there are plenty of us that are struggling the same way.

I've tended to steer clear of drinking during the day for the most part except for sometimes [but not very often] one glass while I'm watching a movie or something....but perhaps one or two glasses during the day and the same in the evening is somewhat better than a whole bottle, or close to it, in the evening as it's spread out more. I don't like the fact that I drink alone either. It is such an easy trap to fall in. One day I'll stop....one day....

On 5/6/2017 at 5:57 PM, kayc said:

I don't even think it's possible for us to judge anyone with how they handle grief!  It's so hard to go through, and we all understand the different paths one might choose to make their way through this.  It may not be the wisest decision to drink while grieving because it's a depressant and Lord knows we don't need that, but we sure understand it.  I doubt a glass of wine to relax every hurt anyone unless their liver can't take it, but that said, I hope you find a way to handle your grief that helps you and doesn't hurt you.  (((caring hugs)))

Thanks....well one glass of wine an evening if something to aim for once I've got it down to two glasses!

On 5/6/2017 at 4:50 AM, Gwenivere said:

I have a couple of glasses of wine every night before bed.  Sometimes a little more and sometimes less.  I talked it over with my doc and counselors and none saw a problem beyond it isn't the best way to get good, restorative sleep.  I don't get drunk, but definitely more relaxed.   I have done this long before he died so it isn't anything new for me.  In fact we both had a drink before bed.  what I am careful about is if it acts more as a depressant, tho going with the tears is good.  I used to write down all kinds of thoughts and don't do that much anymore.  I figure if they are that important, I'll remember in the morning.  It sounds like you are trying to escape and I understand that completely.  You may find that a couple if glasses are better. Sleep doesn't seem to be the problem as you sleep on nights without it.  It's a very individual decision, but if you are looking for an opinion, a whole bottle in a short time seems excessive.  Just my opinion which you can toss out.

It is excesssive I agree.....but what you seem to be doing actually seems like a good idea worth me trying to achieve. After all, one glass of red wine [which is what I usually drink] a day is actually supposed to be good for you! So maybe drinking more often but far less amounts is something worth trying to switch to temporarily.

On 5/6/2017 at 3:16 AM, kevin said:

I've found since the passing of Angela I drink regularly but in moderation...The social aspect and "sports bar" always is a couple of beers, after a round of Golf is always a couple of beers, and Darts/Horse Shoes always has Beers.....Again as long as you keep it in moderation but it is a seductive trap....Years ago I had my episodes but I find as we cross the Senior line we are getting smarter. Dr L, I use 3-4 Beers  a day as my limit.......and  it appears your below that.... 

That doesn't make me feel so bad.....though your drinking seems to be mainly social drinking which is in a way more 'acceptable'. On the other hand, the few times I do go out and actually [or try to] socialise, I usually drink nothing or just one glass of wine....which is strange I know!

On 5/6/2017 at 0:47 AM, MartyT said:

My friend, you may find this article helpful, along with the others listed at the base: Mixing Grief with Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

Thanks very much, I will indeed read.

I’ve been wondering for a few days whether to be brave and write and post this…..I guess I was worried I might be judged, and some may think it isn’t appropriate…..but I’m genuinely interested in people’s opinions and whether they are/have been in a similar boat…..and if/how they conquered it.

So, well, drink sure took over the first four weeks or so after my wife died….I rarely drank during the day so at least I can say that with a tiny amount of pride…..but for the first few weeks I needed a bottle of wine to go to sleep with pretty much every night, to try to dim the pain of not having my love beside me in bed. Quite often I’d drink it quite quickly, like over just two hours, just so I would crash out virtually drunk.

After that I told myself that I couldn’t carry on like this, so I decided on a strategy of just drinking on consecutive nights for a month or so….then lessen it further to every three nights. It was easier to do than I expected, though there were times I had a relapse! Eventually it become two bottles a week, one on Tuesday evening [no particular reason except that I tend to have Wednesdays off work], and one on Saturday evening….unless I went out for the whole evening which was and is fairly rare. And I did start to drink them more slowly....actually savouring the taste and making the bottles last longer.

At the time of writing it’s usually a bottle on Saturday night and a bottle on alternating [so not every] Tuesdays. I don’t think that’s too bad really, but I want to try to remove the Tuesday one altogether or just manage with a glass or two. And I want to try to get the Saturday one down to just a couple of glasses….but that’s incredibly hard. I seem to need that Saturday bottle, so I fall asleep nice and tipsy, even almost drunk.

So I’m certainly not an alcoholic and never was….okay I’ve always enjoyed a drink but most of the drinking the last year [oh dear it is almost a year….time flies] is obviously as a result of my wife’s death. I think I’ve done reasonably well considering how bad I was at the beginning…but I want to do better! I don’t know what’s ‘normal’ in these circumstances….I’ve got one friend who says it’s nothing to worry about, but then he drinks a ridiculously large amount anyway. And then I’ve got another friend who thinks I need help….but then he hardly drinks at all!

Sorry to read that you are leaving, in my limited time here so far I've found it quite theraputic to talk of the pain, but I can also totally understand you not wanting to talk any more. We all need at least some time totally on our own, and I tend to have things like albums and movies to turn to when I feel like that. But in the end you will feel better talking to someone when you are ready to do so. And I'm no expert but similar to what Enna said, I think you should try not to feel pressurised into 'moving forward' , especially so soon!

17 hours ago, JHCP said:

It seems no matter how much chemistry we have initially or for weeks or months together, it fizzles out. I wonder why? I always have had no problem finding love. All that has changed has been the loss of jack. I wonder if I am acting to clingy or whatever. Normally the texting is mutual. Either I start it or the other person does pretty equally. When it is clicking I feel like we text daily to one another. We want to see one another often, then somehow things fizzle out. I am getting discouraged. This is verrrry difficult for me. It has been over two years now and I am just trying to finally have the life with someone I crave and deserve. Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in. It is really tough. Every single time I am disappointed in something not working out I am reminded what I lost. How good and perfect life was. It makes me really sad.

 True story…..I have a friend who also lost her love after three years together[not married or anything but would have done if they’d had the money] when she was young. Much like you, after some time on her own, she decided to begin dating again. Nothing worked out, she pulled back from every guy she started to get close to. Then a few months later she went away on holiday, intending to spend the time by herself and see the sights of where she was, and came back with an engagement ring on her finger [incredibly quick, I know] and a guy who had also been there on his own. They’d just clicked, and were married two years later. 16 years on and they are still very happy together. She tells me that she still thinks about the love she lost every day but it’s no longer painful for her to do so.

So you never know. In my experience, love would come when I wasn’t really looking for it….but that's easy enough for me to say, and I also know how awful loneliness is….

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

"They" do not matter.  All that matters is yourself.  Just smile at them and say thank you or say "I'm fine."  It is a lie, but just like in that movie with Jack Nicholson, you cannot yell at them and say "YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH" because they cannot handle our truths.  So, give them the little lie.  You meet someone on the street that you have not seen in awhile and they say "how are you doing?"  They really do not want to hear how you are doing.  They are just acknowledging you are there and they are there.  

That is where WE come in.  We know the truths.  We know how hard to handle the truth is.  I'm not gonna lose any sleep because I told Tom, Dick, or Harry that I am fine.  And, they are not going to lose any sleep over me one way or the other.

Advice is something everyone has to give for some reason.  My sister is wanting me to change insurance that I have had all my married life.  It is not too expensive, it pays fast and I am not out too much money that Medicare and my insurance does not pay.  But, she has found insurance that pays "everything."  To begin with, I would not meet their qualifications.  But she was insistent.  Again, a well meaning person who almost got in a fuss with me because I won't change.  In this time of government upheaval, I am not giving up something that works.  

Don't worry about other people and how they think, or the advice they give that is not asked for.  Just worry about yourself and don't have hard feelings about someone that is inquisitive.  Tell them "I'm fine" and let it go.  Right now, you have this forum to come to that will go along with you in your feelings because if we have not faced it ourselves, someone on here has.  

 

I think you said some very wise words there. I think that's why I've been using the forum more of late after being almost a lurker for ages.....I just don't want to tell acquaintances etc. about it all anymore and they just can't relate!

On 5/2/2017 at 10:35 PM, Gwenivere said:

It always perplexes me these days when people say I am doing better when I feel worse than I ever have.  If they see something I don't, I wonder why I don't feel it at all. Going to have to some thinking on that.  

They say that to me too. probably because I've tired of boring people about how I feel and have got a little better at putting on a false, happy[ish] face. They mean well, but just know the half of it.

How lovely it is to read your reminisces.....so nice to read....please continue if you feel able. I'm a long way off being able to do something like that, just can't face thinking about it too much, but maybe one day!