Chris516

They can get full. There are only a certain number of slots.

It is still subjective to availability.

I keep wondering why I am the only one that has the guilt. I have been told that my paternal uncle's wife was in tears as much as me. But she just has hepatitis, compared to the three medical conditions I have.

Where your cousin committed suicide. My cousin died unexpectedly. While your cousin was only 18. My cousin was only 40. My cousin's autopsy results have not been released yet. I know they are different ages, and different causes of death. But I think I am having the same kind of 'What if' feeling. She was my middle 1st-Cousin(all three are 1st-Cousins' are younger than me). Her older sister told me my middle 1st-Cousin had not been eating n' sleeping properly for two weeks prior to her death. My 'What if' is, if I had been there. Could I have gotten her to a doctor.

I have found one online website, and one local church for grief counseling.

Well, She is the first that has died young. Our grandfather was 81 when he died in 1991. So, He definitely didn't die unexpectedly. He was already in the hospital when he had a stroke. My paternal aunt was with him at the time. While I know that I did not cause my cousin's death. When I was talking to her older sister who I have a special bond with(she is the one who has always sought me out to find out how I am doing). I was telling her that because I have three (physical)neurological incurable health conditions I have had since infancy. As I cried like a baby. That it should have been me, not my cousin that died. My cousin told me not to talk like that and held on to me. I know I shouldn't talk like that. But even if I don't talk like that. It doesn't lessen the guilt.

My grandmother definitely was young. I don't think I could go to group grief counseling unless it was free. I was hoping it wasn't the smoking, and/or a stroke. That she died from.

Well, She is the first that has died young. Our grandfather was 81 when he died in 1991. So, He definitely didn't die unexpectedly. He was already in the hospital when he had a stroke. My paternal aunt was with him at the time. While I know that I did not cause my cousin's death. When I was talking to her older sister who I have a special bond with(she is the one who has always sought me out to find out how I am doing). I was telling her that because I have three (physical)neurological incurable health conditions I have had since infancy. As I cried like a baby. That it should have been me, not my cousin that died. My cousin told me not to talk like that and held on to me. I know I shouldn't talk like that. But even if I don't talk like that. It doesn't lessen the guilt.

An autopsy is being done to determine what she actually died from. As for my level of grief. Everyone I saw that was at the church prior to the funeral, during the funeral, and at the after-funeral celebration of my cousin's life. Either seemed like a bunch of robots, or somehow already knew why my cousin died. Because, I didn't see anyone else crying but me. Almost like they thought her death was expected. Well, I did see her dad crying once. During the after-funeral celebration. But he wasn't crying like a baby. I have insomnia due to my Hydrocephalus. I have never driven because of my Epilepsy. My walking is already affected as a result of my brain surgeries. I don't know if I mentioned in my first post. I am a cyclist and have been in a number of bike accidents. But, Even when I hit my head. It didn't break my shunt. I have never had to stay in the hospital. I had several brain surgeries as a child. But other than that, I have never had to stay in the hospital overnight when I hit my head. No broken bones, nothing. When I was hugging my oldest first-cousin and crying like a baby. I held on to her tight. Like she was a security blanket that wouldn't abandon me emotionally.

On Friday June 24, 2016. My middle first-cousin via my paternal aunt. Died unexpectedly. My cousin was a chain smoker. So I initially thought that her death was due to a stroke from her smoking. Our grandmother(the mother of my father, and her mother) died from a stroke due to her smoking. She was only 59 when she died. My cousin was only 40yrs.-old when she died. I have survivors guilt. My survivors guilt is because, I am 49yrs.-old and have had three (physical) neurological health problems all my life. I was born with a Brain Aneurysm. Which in turn, caused Hydrocephalus. The needed brain surgeries for those two, caused Epilepsy. None of them has a cure, only temporary-stop measures. Our grandfather died in 1991. I was 24. My younger brother was 22, and cousins were respectively 18, 16, and 13. All five of us weren't without tears when speaking at our grandfather's funeral. The difference between then and now is generational. With my cousin's death, it is the same generation. Which makes her death, generationally closer to home. She was the middle of my three first-cousins'. I have been crying daily ever since. I miss her dearly.