ckoeppel

Oh what a baby doll! I just love her eye patch and the pink around her nose. So so happy for you!

I am so happy for you! Please post pics! Your situation with your new pet might be a case of over souling. Here is a video that explains that process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNKlgaFDXE0 On another note, I am experiencing spirit visits from Ruby. Last night I was cooking dinner and sort of felt her near me. I looked down and saw her sweet face. Look how life like it is! I hope you can see it. The second photo was taken in our laundry room. She was watching me.

So cute! You should get that for sure!

Crossmateo, You hit the nail on the head about my daughter being jealous of our bond. She loved her but didn't like that Ruby was the center of my world when in fact all three of my kids were, one being Ruby. I want to get the ornament made. That is s great idea! I ran across this etsy site where you send multiple photos of your pet at different angles and they master an urn duplicating it. The seller is so good but it is pricey $320. I ordered a simple cremation ring made with Ruby's ashes. The stone is yellow to reflect the lullaby I sang to her "You are my sunshine." Also to help me with grief I am journaling about my feelings since I am having difficulty doing so with my family. I had a custom journal made. I have attached pictures of both.

Thank you, Marty! Your post really makes me feel better. I believe I need to learn to grieve privately. It is obvious to me that my family doesn't understand the connection we had and that's okay, I suppose. My husband just said to me "It has been two months, you need to get over it." I just nodded my head and said, "It will take longer for me." I appreciate this group so much!

Crossmateo, I don't think it would be strange at all to hang her stocking. I plan to do the exact same. Honestly, I still have Ruby's bed out in our bedroom where she slept. It was difficult to get rid of her crate and gate, but I couldn't part with her toys, clothes, or bed. I am suffering alone, too. I talk to Ruby and have so much proof of her spirit being with me. I have taken photos and shown the pictures to my family to provide proof. They see it but claim I had a mental breakdown and I am crazy. I just shared a pic with my youngest daughter today via text and she sent back a text stating "I have had enough of these crazy texts. Stop sending them and go get help." I am perfectly fine just suffering alone with no support, compassion, or love from anyone in my family. Of course I don't want to be patronized saying they see what I see, but they could be a little more gentle with their words and understand I am still grieving. It gives me personal peace to know her spirit is with me. It seems to me that we are two individuals that are exactly alike. We can lean on each other for support.

Hi! I am still missing her everyday but I am seeing her spirit everywhere. I am happy you are seeing Princess's spirit, too! It isn't the same as holding them but at least they are with us. Ruby literally follows me from room to room. I have a few photos I can share with you. I feel like I am going crazy seeing her and talking to her, but it gives me peace. As I am sure it is the same for you, my life has changed drastically without her. Take photos of those spirit moments. It is so special we have this because many don't.

I want to share this Facebook group I joined that might help you. It is called "Animal reincarnation - Animals Life Beyond Death: Pet Loss Answers & Hope." It is a group of people that recently lost pets with professionals who help with grief and other stuff. Brent Atwater is the lead. She is quirky but really helps make you understand. She offers podcasts, live question & answer shows, and she has a wonderful series of books. I just ordered one but all of her books are available on Amazon.

Hi! I am just checking to see if you are doing okay after picking up Princess's ashes. I thought about you all day yesterday.

This is such a wonderful suggestion.

Crossmateo, Yes, I felt exactly the same way. Please try to have someone drive you. I honestly didn't think it would be as hard as it was because Ruby was coming home, but when I picked her ashes up it was super hard and I cried an ugly cry in front of a waiting room full of people. I am grateful I didn't drive because I clearly was in no shape to. When you get home you will feel a little better. Try to remember her ashes are only a fur suit, her sole is in heaven and is with you constantly. Keep talking to her to keep her spirit present. I will be thinking about you today. Hugs! ?? Cindy

Reading the signs you hav experienced reassures me I am not losing my mind. I love the squirrel part of your story! Last night I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I got back In bed I smelled a strong scent of Ruby. We didn't allow her on our bed because it was tall and she suffered with IVDD so we didn't want her jumping off. Before we went to bed my husband always put her in bed for a bit and she would always lay on my side. I am confident the smell last night was her in bed on my side. Gives me so much peace to know she is still with me. I started seeing a face to face grief counselor yesterday. She gave me some clarity as to what happened those final days. She said when an animal is on its final journey they will do something memorable with you. Ruby never liked to sit on my lap or cuddle much. Two days before her passing she sat on my lap for over four hours. I attached a photo. She also said if an animal stares at you intently they are giving you a sign it is the end. Ruby did that and I even asked her if something was wrong. I struggled with my lack of emotion during the final three days. She told me after I told her the complete story that she thinks when I heard the vet say "euthanize" it threw me into sort of a shock but I believe it was disbelief. Ruby always pulled through everything and I just knew she would this time too. She said animals are aware they are dying 24-48 hours in advance. She said they will pull away or isolate themselves which is what Ruby did. She said they do that to prepare the owner. As far as my grieving and no one else is, she said grieve, cry, and do whatever makes me feel better because it could take days, weeks, or months. I pray for peace every night. I just hope her spirit doesn't fade over time. I hope everyday gets easier for both of us. ??

Good morning, Kayc! Thank you for your comments. Every day is different with my grief. I think it is going to take a while for me to get through it. The hard part is getting people around me to understand. I sold Ruby's gate on Craigslist and I cried an ugly cry handing it over to the buyer. I am keeping her blanket, toys, and clothes but have decided to donate the rest to the animal shelter. I am having a sterling silver ring handmade with a stone combined with a teaspoon of her ashes. The band is an angel wing. I am also having an urn sculpted. They do an exact relica of your pet and I have decided to use a pic of her with her bone in her mouth. See attached. I have a question that might be silly. Do owls represent death or spirit? This morning I was woke up by a hooting and screeching owl on our roof. I have googled it and read multiple versions. I suppose a part of me hopes it is a spiritual symbol connected to Ruby. I hope all of you in our group have a wonderful weekend. Cindy

Hi Marty, I agree completely about everyone grieving differently. I am a very emotional person and my husband isn't. I recognize that and just have to learn how to communicate effectively respecting his feelings too. My husband is a good person and loved Ruby just as much as I did. I am confident it is hard on him and I believe he handles his grief internally. I love this site and reading the posts. It certainly brings me some peace. Ruby had terrific care and I am so very grateful. They loved her and knew how important she was to me. The oncologist told me he used to work in Japan as a primary care vet. He said maybe 5 people out of 100 would actually follow through with a specialist recommendation. He told me I can be proud of well I cared for. Such a nice person with a very kind heart. I was blessed! Cindy

Hi! I am still struggling. I cry less, but think about her constantly. I have been watching Grief Healing YouTube videos and praying a ton. Since I haven't been crying non-stop I have actually receive a few signs from her spirit. She loved to play in the backyard and loved when I was out there with her. I have dreaded going into the yard because of my grief and the sweet memories. Our patio furniture cover blew off in the backyard and I had no choice but to go get it. When I walked down the steps I noticed something pink in the area where she always sat in the sun. It was a single pink rose petal. Pink roses are my favorite and I think it was a sign from Ruby. Over the weekend I was cooking dinner and happened to look outside. There was a huge rainbow which made me think she was letting me know she was there and feeling better. Every night we sat on the porch and drank coffee while Ruby stared down bugs and slugs. It was her favorite thing to do! A couple of nights ago we were sitting outside like always and this baby bunny literally ran up the porch steps onto the porch where we were sitting. That has never happened! I may be going crazy, but I was walking down our hallway and something caught my eye near the dining room table. It was as if something ran past real quick. Ruby always rested near the dining room table on our rug. Knowing some of this has happened, I feel like she is still with me watching over me everyday. When I am alone I still talk to her and I have decided to buy a journal and write in it daily from the day she passed sharing my daily activities and expressing my feelings toward her. I think it will help. Yesterday we received a letter from the Veterinary Cancer Society informing us that Ruby's oncologist, Dr. Kevin Choy, of Seattle Veterinary Specialists made a generous donation honoring Ruby. To express their appreciation, VCS is honoring Ruby on their online Pet Memorial page. In addition to this wonderful gesture, Dr. Choy and his staff sent me a darling children's book entitled "Dog Heaven." Both Dr.Choy and her cardiologist and their entire staff wrote sweet and comforting notes on each page of the book. I will never regret my decision to pursue Ruby's specialists. Dr. Choy was the kindest vet I have ever met. He called me nightly when Ruby was failing to see how I was holding up. I needed reassurance and understanding of all her health issues and sent thousands of emails to him and made multiple phone calls. Not once did he overlook to respond and each message was clear and tender. I am ever so grateful for his knowledge, kindness, and love for Ruby. Our hearts are still aching but this sort of stuff seems to ease our pain. ❤️ How are you holding up? I hope you have been able to find a little peace. I believe it will take time for both of us to move on, but that is okay. Unfortunately my husband doesn't like to talk about her or what happened, so I haven't been able to share my thoughts with him. I think my family believes I have lost my mind, but I need to grieve, I need to cry, and it is okay if I miss her terribly. This has been harder than losing any relative. I believe it is the bond we had and the unconditional love. Hugs to you!

I agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for such comforting words.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know vets are trained to accept euthanizing as a gift to pets in pain and trouble, but I really wish they were trained to be more empathetic. The day we decided to put her down the vet was supposed to get off at 6:00 pm. She stayed a little later so my daughter could be there but the whole thing was rushed with no compassion. She left Ruby laying on the table and I asked what they would do with her body before cremation. She said "We will put her in the freezer over night." I know that is what they do but how insensitive. I pray we both can get past this grief. Hugs!

Thank you so much. I have never experienced anything as tough as this. Losing family is hard but this loss is especially hard for me. I am confident her pain was from jumping off the bed and rupturing discs. Her IVDD was getting worse to begin with and then the jump happened. I am just beating myself up as to why I allowed her on the bed knowing that was a possibility. Perhaps her back was the true cause of all her pain and lack of appetite for several weeks. I do know when she had gabepentin twice a day her activity level spiked. There is such a thing as a spinal stroke where a clot develops from a spinal cord injury. It just makes me sick knowing if that had not have happened she might still be here. I am naturally hard on myself so the resources you shared will be helpful. Thank you!

Thank you, Cheryl. I appreciate the support, kind words, and prayers. Cindy

Thank you so much. I will take a look at your suggested resource. I am new to this community and the responses I received are already giving me comfort.

My ten year old, sweet Ruby, a darling Yorkie passed on 8/10/2016. It was the worst day of my life. I work from home and we have literally been together 24/7 for her whole life. We had an abnormal relationship, a very unique bond. Although I have been married 31 years, my marriage has never been easy. Ruby was our glue that kept us together and my peace through all the chaos. Ruby had numerous health issues such as an enlarged heart, an enlarged liver, a heart murmur, congestive heart failure, IVDD, and malignant mass cells and leukemia. Although she was dealing with so much, she was a happy little girl and had a wonderful quality of life. Her vets/specialists couldn't believe how tough she was and claimed my love for her kept her going. I am dealing with a great amount of guilt and regret. I hope someone can comfort me in ways no one else can. My family has accepted her death and have moved on choosing not to talk about her at all. I am grieving horribly and need to talk. I cry every day, can't sleep, can't eat, and have no desire to do anything. I know Ruby wouldn't want me to be this way, but when she passed I feel like I disappeared and a part of me went with her. I can't even begin to describe how hard my heart aches. In addition to grieving, I believe I am depressed and can't snap out of it. Ruby was taking gabepentin, furosemide, spironlactone, enalapril, Vetmedin, and palladia (chemo). She was doing really great, her heart shrunk and her cancer was not spreading and the leukemia was almost gone. She tolerated the chemo great with no vomiting, hair loss, etc. Her IVDD was getting worse and she occasionally had back pain which is why she took gabepentin. Prior to her heart meds and chemo I could occasionally give her rimadyl for inflammation. During a an appointment with her oncologist it was discovered her kidney values were a tiny bit increased after starting the chemo but nothing alarming. A week or so after this appointment I noticed her activity level was decreased and she was favoring her back. I made the mistake of giving her rimadyl on five separate days without speaking to the oncologist first. I did review her discharge notes to see if it was an acceptable medication on her list of drugs and it was. The next appointment her kidney values were even higher moving her into stage 2 kidney failure. The oncologist decreased her chemo dosage and requested a return visit in two weeks. During that two week period Ruby quit drinking water and her appetite decreased to almost nothing. I knew better but the only way I could give her meds was in a small piece of cheese and put a few soup crackers in her food. She ate the crackers so I assumed it was helping until she began vomiting and having diahrrhea. I knew right away she might have pancreatitis since we went through this a couple of other times. Pancreatitis is extremely painful and she wasn't eating or drinking and continued to get sick. Monday, 8/8 I called the vet to see if she could do a test checking for pancreatitis and her oncologist recommended checking her kidney values. Sure enough she had pancreatitis all induced by the crackers and cheese I gave her. I knew she could only eat her Hill's Science prescription food. In addition we learned she was anemic and her BUN was greater than 130 and her creatinine was so high the machine couldn't read it. The vet said she was in stage 4 kidney failure and told me to euthanize her. I honestly got angry and went into shock with disbelief. The vet gave her a low dosage of morphine for her pain and we went home. I was exhausted from losing several nights of sleep caring for Ruby. When we got home I laid on the bed to rest. My husband brought Ruby in and put her on the bed with me. I never let her do that because of her back and the possibility of her jumping off the bed. I fell asleep snuggled up to her and the morphine shot made her unaware and she jumped off the bed and I believe she herneated her bad spinal discs. She was in pain that evening but I couldn't give her gabepentin because of the interaction with the morphine. During the night she had diahrrhea and was restless. Tuesday 8/9 she was declining more. I didn't give her pain meds again because she took it in her food but wasn't eating and threw up the liquid injection. I know she was hurting. I slept on the floor with her that night and she woke me with collapsiing. I stayed awake all night watching her and caring for her knowing on 8/10 we would have to put her down. The next morning she just laid in her bed very out of it. I gave her water through a syringe because she was dehydrated. I laid on the floor by her all day caressing her back telling her I loved her. We were waiting for my girls to arrive so we could go to the vet as a family. During that time Ruby had a stroke and getting to the vet quick was not happening fast enough. I didn't want her to suffer and I was a nervous wreck. The vet held over to wait for us but didn't take her time to make it special for us. I held her on my lap and sang "You Are My Sunsine" which I did every night before she went to sleep. I felt her heart stop as I was singing and I became numb. I am still haunted by that experience. I have replayed and replayed what happened. Did I give her too much medicine, or not enough, did she hurt her back and why did I allow her to be on the bed? Did she go into full blown kidney failure after I learned that the rimadyl I gave her was the straw that broke the camel's back? Should I have not agreed to Palladia (chemo)? Simply what did I do and why couldn't I have saved her? It is almost as if when I heard "euthanize" I shut down and didn't follow through with the same great care for her. Also, on the way to the vet I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her, tell her how happy she made me, and how much I would miss her. My husband went on one of his temper rages. I got in the front seat but couldn't hold her without a seat belt. I tried getting out to sit in the back seat and my husband pulled me back down and backed out. He screamed at me the whole way and Ruby had no choice but to lay next to me cramped with a bad back. I honestly am so upset about that trip because that is what she remembered before passing. I wanted it to be calm and special for myself and Ruby. Almost a month later I am still grieving and feeling terrible guilt/regret. Towards the end she wanted to rest in her bed and my attention wasn't there like it should have been while dealing with multiple other stresses. Ruby was the love of my life and I am honestly worried about myself. I hate being alone without her and feel like I have no purpose. I keep hoping to feel her spirit and the only thing remotely close is the rainbow that appeared last night off our deck. I have been told my emotions are preventing me from feeling her spirit. Needless to say I am not the same person without her. Everything is a struggle and I am very short on patience. I think of her constantly and hope she knows even though all of the above happened that I loved her with every ounce of my sole.