Traz

Great video. Even made me laugh some.

My biggest support is from the members of the church I attend. I had actually switched congregations just a few months before my husband diet unexpectedly. they are a very caring, supportive group of people. After the funeral, they totally took care of the luncheon in my home. From setup, to food , to clean up. Jeff and I had our house half vinyl sided when he died. They offered to come & help me finish the siding. I actually declined at first, it was something I just wanted to do myself to keep me busy. They did come to help when i got to the peaks which were to hard to do with 1 person. Another place I have made some new friends is at a Zumba group in our area. That group is nice because while they are supportive about his death, they represent to me a start of a different life without Jeff, because none of them knew him.

Thank you all. This weekend was the hardest day I think since he died. I think it took me by surprise that it affected me so much. I think the hardest thing was seeing the sadness in my 3 boys. All 3 had a rough time the weekend. I did get a very touching text from my middle son who is away at Dental School. He said how hard it was for him this whole year but thanked me for the job my husband and I did in raising him to be the guy he is now with such a promising future. I was better today, but disappointed in some friends. Probably not the best choice, but I have kept myself a bit isolated since his birthday in August until this weekend. Today 2 friends had said they wanted to come by.( 2 different times. One afternoon, one evening.) I reluctantly agreed. I am not one that likes to show my emotions, so when things are hardest I prefer being alone. Neither of them showed up. One did let me know quickly something had come up but the 2nd one was about 4 hours after they were suppose to be here that they text and said they weren't coming. Maybe I expect too much from friends. I am not sure if I was angry or just hurt. I feel like i finely let my guard down & agreed that they could come by & then they don't come. I really usually am a very level headed and calm person, but my husbands death has shook me to my core & I feel so vulnerable. The rest of the evening I felt very anxious. Another emotion I just am not use to. I feel like it would have easier to decline the visit to start than the anxiety of getting myself "pumped up" for the visits & then them not coming. To clarify, I am not totally staying secluded. I go places with my kids, or to the gym, or shopping & even to visit some elderly friends in a nursing home. Those things like the store or gym don't trigger the emotions that being around friends does. (Although for a few days now I didn't feel up to the gym or store, but that I think was just getting through the week/weekend) Sometimes I just feel like I am losing it. Thank you all again for listening and feedback. It really is comforting from people who really understand the feelings.

I am fortunate to have people who care about me and are constantly asking "How are you?" " or "Is today a better day?" I don't know how to answer. I am terrible...but I feel like I am always complaining if I say that all the time. When I am hurting so badly I often withdraw from people. Sometimes it is just easier to be alone than to pretend every thing is OK. Right now is a very hard time for me. Jeff's birthday was this past month & his first one since he has been gone. Sat. will be 1 year since he died. I have been an emotional wreck this week. I don't want to be rude and not answer messages or calls, but I just don't know what to say.

Thank you all for your comments & complements on my photo. Photography is one thing I do that often speaks for me when I can't find the words. That image was one I set up & took because it did say so much without having to say a word. I definitely will be spending some time on this site and as much as I hate that most are here because of a lose of a loved one, it is comforting to have those who really do understand.

Thank you Mitch for your sharing. I am new to the group & this was the 1st thread I found that caught my eye. It will be 1 year this weekend that my husband died. So many people I know insinuate that there must be something wrong with me because I still hurt so bad. That is what prompted me to start looking for something that might help. But finding this site & your posts let me know I am not alone, & it is not unusual to still be feeling such sadness & grief after losing my soulmate. I know everyone handles grief in their own way, but it is nice to know that the way I still feel is not unusual.