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About slw60

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  1. Thank you for your response Rae. As painful as it is to accept these things about a person I committed so fully to, you and KayC are right. One of the most painful things I've been grappling with is realizing he may have never loved me the way I thought he did. Especially to end so bluntly and abruptly, and to be so hateful during it (maybe lashing out bc of his own guilt? who knows). My immediate reaction was to hate the girl, but I know that is wrong. She is not my enemy. For all I know, she may not even know that he had been in a relationship with me at the beginning of their relationship. Even if she did, it doesn't matter. Our relationship wasn't her responsibility, it was his, and he is the one that chose to burn it to the ground. I just feel all these years have been a lie and that hurts so badly. And I miss him. I can't help but miss the person I shared every day with and had genuine good, happy times with for years. I hate feeling this way and I wish I could just wipe my memory of him. As hard as I try not to think about him, he is all I think about. I try not to blame myself but I do... I'm on this constant loop of blaming myself, then realizing I'm not to blame, then blaming myself again. I really can't afford therapy (hence the reason I utilize this forum, thank goodness for its existence) but I am seeing that regardless of whether I can afford it or not, I need to seek it and soon. Thank you all again for reaching out.
  2. Thank you both so much. Just being able to write that all down helped, and the advice and consolation is so very much appreciated. ❤️
  3. A little under four months ago, my partner of almost 7 years, who I honestly considered my soul mate practically since the day I met him, ended our relationship. I had to say goodbye to the dog we shared, leave our home we had lived in for 5 years, and literally start my life over in the matter of a week. I was shocked, devastated and confused and he was inexplicably cruel during the break up. He would never give me a clear reason as to why, just that he didn't love me anymore. How is that possible? How do you love someone fiercely for years, only to just stop? He claimed he had been feeling this way for about "6 weeks" but didn't feel like talking to me about it. We have seen each other through some really terrible and tough times in our years together, and I was floored that this is what it came to. We had been having some disagreements and rough spots over the last year or so (finances, careers, family situations, etc), but nothing in my wildest dreams I would have ever considered relationship ending. About a month after I moved out, he texted me an apology for how he treated me during the breakup. Damage was done, but the apology seemed sincere enough. He offered for me to come pick up our dog so that I could spend time with her, and I obliged. That is how I found out that not only is he in a new relationship with a cute little waitress about 10 years younger than me, but she has already moved into our house. They even bought a puppy together. I feel like someone has cracked open my chest and carved out my heart. I can barely breathe and it has been a couple of months, yet I'm still not coping. I'm going to work, hanging with friends, and visiting family, but I cry myself to sleep every night and periodically during the day. I cannot, cannot, understand how he could just discard me- a loyal, supportive, and loving partner- like a piece of trash after so many years together. Even more impossible to understand is how he could possibly have moved so quickly into a new relationship?? He swears he wasn't cheating, but I don't see how that is possible. I have been through tough breakups (let's face it... they all are hard), and I've gone through the typical grief process but bounced back within a month or so. However, this is a whole different level of pain. I feel so betrayed and lost. I miss him so much I can hardly bear it and my love for him has not faded an ounce, even after how terribly he has broken my heart. I have never been more sure about anything in my life than I was about him and our relationship. Now I feel like I'm just aimlessly floating through space, not knowing where to go from here or how to recover from this. How do you get past the love of your life deciding you aren't good enough anymore?
  4. On Wednesday, my seven year old shepherd went outside to the bathroom and collapsed. After sitting for hours in the waiting room of the emergency vet, I was pulled into a room and told that my sweet boy, who had been perfectly healthy his entire life and was acting completely normal until his collapse, had a tumor on his heart that had caused pericardial effusion... he was dying, and there was nothing to be done for him at that point as he was already in kidney and heart failure. I was in total shock. They brought him to me and he weakly took a few steps towards me before falling. I cradled his head in my lap as he looked up at me, his eyes wide and full of worry, until the drugs caused him to lose consciousness and eventually take his last breath. He was here, and in the blink of an eye, he wasn't. I had no time to process what was happening... we went from a perfectly normal day, to him dying in my arms. My dog, who was practically my shadow, is gone. 14 months ago, I lost my other beloved dog to bone cancer, and in no way was expecting to have to go through this again so soon. I'm struggling to cope with this but I'm having a very hard time. The fact he died on the cold floor of a place he wasn't familiar with, looking so scared, is tearing me to pieces. I feel like even though I was there with him, I was so stunned and overwhelmed with grief that i didn't even say a real goodbye. He deserved so much more than this.
  5. slw60

    4 months

    My baby boy has been gone almost 4 months now and tonight is another night where grief has overcome me, and I'm crying uncontrollably instead of sleeping. Tomorrow is another day I will go into work with puffy eyes, and if someone asks me what is wrong I will just brush them off, because I don't feel like dealing with the odd looks and half-hearted sympathies I receive when I say I'm grieving the loss of my dog. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me just fell away into nothingness when he died. I know that time heals and it won't always feel this way, but right now it is unbearable and even still, I can't accept that I will go the rest of my life without ever seeing him again. All I can hope for is the possibility of an afterlife that I don't really believe in, and that leaves me with a feeling that I can't exactly put into words, but if I had to describe it as something it would be desolate. I would give anything to see him again.
  6. Today makes 2 weeks that my sweet baby has been gone. I miss him so much and even though I knew it was coming, this loss has been unbearable. I just want him back. I cannot accept that for as long as I live, I will never see him ever again. I adopted him straight out of the "back room" at the pound (literally... he was just minutes away from being euthanized) when I was 19 years old and he was with me almost every day since that moment. He was there with me through so many life-changing moments and adventures over the past decade that I feel like he was here for so much longer. Sometimes I can almost forget he is gone, and convince myself that he's laying on his bed right behind me. If I just don't turn around, if I just don't look and see that it's empty, it's almost like he's still here. I know that sounds crazy but I can't help it. I know everyone says this about their dog, but he truly was the best dog ever... he never did a thing wrong and he changed so many people's minds about Rottweilers because he was just the sweetest, gentlest soul. I'm so grateful for the time we had, because he actually outlived his expected lifespan by a couple of years but it still isn't enough. I just can't believe he is gone and my heart is so, so broken without him.
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