AB3

33 minutes ago, martha jane said:

How many of you are sitting on the couch, knowing you have so much to do but instead you sit and read all the sad stories on here and cry for them all?

"Raises hand" 

About to hit the 2 month mark pretty soon (Feb 10th) and those "what if" questions still run through my mind at some point each and every day. The only difference between now and in the beginning is that I realize that the "what ifs" won't bring him back....it won't reset reality no matter how much I wish it could. I could never get use to the loneliness, the quietness, the darkness that has replaced the brightness he brought into my world. How can anybody get use to it? Use to a world without their soulmate.....it's just plain empty and heartbreaking. 

But yet I still think about those "what ifs"....like what if I would have made him go to the hospital the last day I saw him, or what if they would have caught the rejection of his heart earlier, or what if I would have spent more time with him instead of focusing on work would I have seen how sick he really was.....and here again I say...."None of that matters now, it won't change reality".

But ooooh how I wish it would.....

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People don't understand this can feel like an inhumane torture.  

Very much so

26 minutes ago, Lynne58 said:

My love passed very quickly on Jan 9,2017 at 430am. So far, things are no better for me. I continue to lose wait, I cannot stop my tears, I try, but I'll see something, here something. I can smell him all around me. I keep asking myself why & I know only god can answer that question.  Maybe in time he will. I feel like my heart & part of myself has been ripped from my body.   And my truest love is the only one that can fill that void. I will Love him Forever.   I cannot wait until we are brought back together in heaven......

Lynne, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. Your grief is still very fresh so therfore the tears, the pain is felt so intensely. I lost my fiance December 10, 2016 and I'm still feeling all that intense pain that comes with losing you're best friend/soulmate. There are no words that could ever make this reality feel ok but know that you are not alone. We are here to travel this journey with you. 

52 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

AB, i'm so sorry that you're having such a problem finding a counselor that fills your needs the right way. I know you will thank yourself later on for being slow and cautious and holding out for the right lifeboat to jump into.

One foot in front of the other(without stumbling would be good!)...

Darrel

Thank you Darrel, yes I'm holding out for that lifeboat hoping I won't drown in the process.

53 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Thoughts are one thing and may continue... the action is the end.

This is so true.

Darrel, you are not alone. I struggle with thoughts of suicide each and every day....right now they are just thoughts but I can't deny making actual plans to do so. This pain as we all know is too much to bare at times. All we can do is take it one day at a time....actually taking it min by min or sec by sec seems to be the best we can do. This life can feel so lonely and pointless without our loves and especially so when compounded by other issues. 

I pray that we all make it through this....some how....some way....

Thanks everyone, unfortunately there's not much around here in terms of counseling options. I only have one more place that I can try so hopefully everything works out. I'm not giving up yet though I definitely feel like it. 

29 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Finding a counselor is often difficult.  Finding a counselor when we are emotionally adrift is an even bigger challenge.  Were you prescribed meds as you say maybe I should just take them?  I know it seems easy for me to say keep trying.  One thing I did was interview them on the phone before making an appointment.  If a counselor will not agree to speak with you about your needs and issues for 10-15 minutes, then they are not in the running.  I could state my situation and what I wanted help with and see if they felt they could meet at least minimal standards.  A good counselor will tell you if they can or if they can't direct you to a collegue they may know.  One thing you don't ever have to do is 'give in'.  You need help making decisions.  Don't hand all your power to someone else.  Even printing out some of your prior posts for a therapist to read will help them see where you are and save you from having to restate it over again.  It's a good starting point, IMO.  I rarely go to counseling without notes jotted down because I know my mind is like Swiss cheese right now and some could get lost in the holes.

Gwenivere, I haven't been prescribed any medication as of yet I just feel like I'm being pushed into taking them by several people. As for counseling I only have one place in the area that I live that I can try so hopefully something will work out with them. As you stated, it's just extremely more challenging finding support while dealing with all of this grief but hey I'm still trying....

So today I went to therapy for the first time. I remained hopeful that this would be the therapeutic experience I need to cope with my grief and depression. I know that it's not a "miracle cure" and won't make me instantly feel better in one day but I was hoping for more than what I got. The therapist kept talking about antidepressants and ended the session with suggesting I look into other options in which I could get medication and a counselor all at once. I feel like I wasted my time and money. So now I'm sitting here in the same position I was when I left, hopeless and disappointed with life. If this is all there is what's the point?? Do I just give in and take medication and go to another couselor. I'm just so tired.....

Darrel, though I haven't known you long you have been such great support in this journey in which we all travel on. Im praying for you and know there are no words that will make everything instantly ok but I still pray for peace and strength in whatever you face. 

As you always say....One foot in front of the other 

And as I always say....You are not alone

I feel this on every level.

3 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you AB.  Joy is not a word in my vocabulary anymore.  Yes, there was joy, but I question if if I will ever feel it again.  If I could feel some kind of peace that would be the closest thing.

I'm apologize Gwenivere for the insensitivity. I understand exactly what you mean "joy" wasnt the right word to say but rather I hope you can feel a bit of peace. I pray for peace for us all even if it's just a few moments of it. 

24 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

its an odd feeling.  I haven't emotionally crashed, but I feel like I am done.  Done with the world.  Back to that 'why am I even here anymore' mode.  I've been waiting and looking for meaning or purpose for 27 months now and nada.  This really feels like slow torture.  I really can't think of any other words.  Tonight will be another like so many.  Alone.

 

Gwenivere, let me first start by saying Happy Anniversary, your love story is one to be desired because yall were together for several decades, it's something I always hoped for in my own relationship but was never able to reach. I hope this day will bring you more joy than sadness. Joy for the many beautiful years you were able to share with each other and joy for the love that will always remain. 

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I started out life as an only.  It was lonely even with a house full of other relatives I always felt removed.  Having my hubby as a childhood friend really was wonderful.  It was a great connection.  We were almost like what I imagined siblings to be like.  He knew so much about my life as he lived across the street for many years.  As we got older, me being slightly older - almost 2 years, I started noticing other boys before he was noticing girls.  He was always in my life, either at home across the street or visiting my parents, and he saw the guys come and go as I dated.  Being married to him I always felt wanted and safe.  Now I'm back to being alone again and I don't feel good at all.

I'm so sorry that you are alone again, I can definitely relate I grew up all alone too but when I met my love I finally was able to fill that void. Nevertheless, your love story is beautiful the way you grew up together and fell in love. I wish we didn't have to end up the way our lives began.....

1 minute ago, olemisfit said:

AB I sincerely apologize if my comments seemed mean toward his parents. I don't mean to overly defend myself, but i think i'm guilty of maybe over generalizing just to not get too long winded. I tend to do that alot.

Darrel you have nothing to apologize for as I agree with everything that you wrote. It's just an unfortunate circumstance that I as well as many others find themselves in but it is what it is. 

35 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Yes AB it's very common unfortunately 

Yea, it's pretty sad because I know he wouldn't have wanted things to be like this.....

35 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

AB i honestly can't answer this from first hand experience. But from reading alot of posts from others that have i have pieced together my opinion of what brings it on. Of course, no one has to agree. It's just my opinion. Before getting into it, please everyone understand these aren't my thoughts or feelings. I don't mean to be stepping on anyone's toes or to be insensitive. 

I think in a lot of cases it's just people's reactions to something they don't understand more because they've never experienced it firsthand than anything else. Ignorance breeds stupidity sometimes. I really believe that some people who have never experiences grief from losing a really close loved one don't understand what grieving is all about. It seems that some people believe that grief comes to us with a 6 month shelf life. On the 1st day of month #7 we are going to wake up with a cheshire cat grin on our face, and everything is just going to be rainbows and lollypops.  Geez, but wouldn't that be wonderful! Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for those people. Explain it-yes. Make excuses for it-NO!  With some, it's maybe just a case of them avoiding you only because they are tired of being put on the spot when they don't know what the right thing really is that should be said, or done for you, etc. Again---explaining-yes. Making excuses-NO! There really is no good excuse for ignorance or insensitivity. But when you look down at people's feet and see the number of people wearing loafers because they can't tie their own shoes, it's not really much of a stretch to envision them not knowing how to deal with someone that is grieving. 

That's from my soapbox anyway.

Darrel

Darrel, I can definitely understand what you are saying and agree. However, I would think that his family, whom he was really close to would understand my grief in some ways. I've been thinking maybe it's just hard for them to be around me or talk to me because him and I were attached at the hip. Whatever the case may be it's hard to adjust to being completely alone again after so many years. 

My life has changed so much in such a small amount of time, but I'm sure all of our lives have been disrupted in one way or another. Prior to my fiances death I had a family (his family) and a handful of friends. Before he came along I only had my mom in terms of family but when I meant him he introduced me to a unfamiliar world. He shared his four siblings with me and they in a sense become mine. I had gotten really close to his dad's side of the family especially after we moved near them a couple of years ago. I didn't really care if I had alot of friends because he was my best friend. Now everything has changed. Everyone has went on with their lives and I don't hear from anyone anymore except for his mom every now and then. I was trying to stay in contact with them but I was the only one reaching out. I don't even recognize myself or my life anymore. If I didn't have my mother in my life I would probably have no one. I guess this is just my new reality.

Has anyone else experienced this? 

Still not sure how I feel about taking antidepressants but have a long history of depression and anxiety but I never got help for it. Now my depression and anxiety is compounded by the loss of my fiance, which the therapist knows from the evaluation. I'm guessing that's why she wants me to be put on medication along with therapy. But I'm not sure if it will help or not but for now I'm just going to see how therapy goes first. 

34 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Hi AB...I was a strong opposer to meds for depression for years...

Then I figured out maybe I do need help...I did a lot of changing in my life...one was a mild dose of Zoloft...but that was before I lost Kev...I am still on same dosage...it has helped me, yes. 

Dont be afraid of meds, if you need them. Be careful as everyone has said.

Take care, Marie

Thank you Marie 

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

I don't share my concerns in an effort to discourage you, AB, as I know that just seeing that intake person and scheduling your first appointment for this Tuesday took enormous courage on your part. I just want to encourage you to approach this as an educated consumer. You are newly bereaved and, difficult and painful as it is, you are experiencing many reactions that are typical of a normal grief reaction. Grief is not a pathological condition; it is a normal reaction to the death of someone dearly loved ~ and therapists who are unfamiliar with grief (including complicated grief) may misinterpret the signs and symptoms ordinarily experienced by a person in mourning. As a consumer of therapy, AB, you have every right to know what qualifies your therapist to be working with you and your particular symptoms and issues. This is not to say that the person you're seeing on Tuesday is not qualified. Just know that you have a right to ask him or her about his/her qualifications, and if you don't feel comfortable with or understood by this person, you can ask for a referral to another grief counselor or therapist who is qualified in that specialty.

I understand that all of this is new for you, AB ~ That's why I encourage you to read some of the articles I've suggested, so you'll be better informed as to what to expect and what to ask when you do meet with this person on Tuesday.

I completely understand your concerns Marty and will take your advice. I believe you know best when it comes to this and have extensive experience. Thank you for all your help I definitely need it. 

Marty and Kayc I'm not really sure if the therapist I'll be seeing specialize in grief, probably won't fully know until my appointment on Tuesday. The therapist I spoke with yesterday was just the one who did an evaluation on me and my current emotional state. I can understand why this is concerning this is all new to me so I'm not sure how to go about things. I'm hoping everything goes well because this is my last resort.

6 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

I'm pulling for ya AB.  I was given zoloft late last january, then i july or august it was suggested that i try going without it for awhile just to see how i would do. I just within the past week have them back in my arsenal again. I never noticed any bad affects from them. I never felt drugged, or not myself. But they did smooth out the rough edges, and  helped me to feel calmer. Thank goodness we live in the computer age now. You can research anything and everything on this magic box---even meds. Be cautious and careful with what you're given. We've got your back here, AB.

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Thank you Darrel! 

16 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Taking over Marty's chair, just be sure you tell your therapist what your biggest issues are.  There are so many antidepressants and some target particular things, like for Brad, than others.  The goal of all is to relieve the depression, but some can hype you and others do the opposite.  Keep us posted!  ?

Will do Gwenivere!

49 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

There is somebody a whole lot bigger than me and a heck of alot more powerful than i am that is driving this train now. I'm just a passenger tied to my seat, so i have no choice but to endure this ride somehow. But it truly SUCKS!!!

Darrel, you said a month full! This truly does SUCK! and remember you are never whining so no apologies needed. This journey is horrible and so unwanted...but you have still been able to put one foot in front of the other and that takes alot of courage.