AB3

28 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Good to hear your positive news.  

There is no need to apologize as we are like a super family here.  We care for each other, we want to help each other, and since we truly know how difficult this journey is we can understand better than most how painful our new lives can be.

There is no shame in asking for help.  It is a courageous person who can recognize that help is needed and then go out and find the right help.  So glad for you ?

Thank you  

Thank you all for your insights. I'm a bit hesitate on taking antidepressants but if it will help me feel even the slightest bit better than I am currently I'm willing to try them. 

8 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I am obviously not a doctor, but it concerns me when a therapist says you 'definitely' need meds after one brief meeting without some full sessions to talk about what is happening to you.  Being so new to this grief as you are I'm a bit leery when they want to throw pills at someone right off the bat.  It doesn't mean you may not need some help with anxiety as that is a real biggie.  A decision about taking antidepressants is not something to take lightly.  My question to this therapist is why they feel that with so little information before getting to know you and all you are experiencing.  They could be right, but to say that right off the bat seems premature.  Many have gone that route while others respond quite well to just having an outlet.  I'm on both, but was before I even lost Steve.  You are just over a month into this so don't be pressured or 'sold' these are miracle fixes as they are not.  Just tools if needed.  My opinion strictly.

Thank you Gwenivere. We talked for about 30 mins or so but I can understand your concern. She was concerned after viewing my paperwork that detailed my current mood and state of mind. Based off that evaluation she stated due to what she learned about me she heavily believes I need antidepressants. I have never been to counseling or been on any medication so I'm not sure what is right or wrong in this case. 

Went to the counseling center today and spoke with a therapist for a bit, my first appointment is this Tuesday coming up. The therapist stated I will definitely need depression/anxiety medication in addition to therapy. Does anyone have any experience with these types of meditations?? I'm nervous about having to take them so any insight anyone could offer would be much appreciated. I'm hopeful that therapy will help me cope. It was hard to take that first step but very necessary. 

1 minute ago, Marg M said:

I've quit reading my daily motivations by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD.  Last time I read was January 21st.  Today's is what it is all about.

Things to do today:

1. Get up

2. Survive

3. Go back to bed.

I will survive today.  Some days that is enough.  

Marg, everyday that we survive is good enough as right now...in this unfamiliar life....that's all we can do....and that's a big accomplishment. 

1 hour ago, martha jane said:

I  have a strange feeling that I can't really describe. It seems as in my mind I am swimming in shallow water and I am okay. Then it is like I plunge down deeper and that is when it hits me that my husband of 57 years is gone forever

I can relate so much to this feeling I think we all can. Feels like we are all floating in an alternate reality somewhere. I'm so sorry you have to feel like this also. 

Praying for you all 

Annew, I can relate to every word that you are saying. I have learned that it never helps to keep the pain inside it only does more damage in the end so make sure you vent (cry, talk, scream etc.) As much as you need to. There are so many beautiful people here who don't mind and will always be here to listen  

I wanted to share my recent journal entry with you all because I feel like we all can relate to this on some level.

There is no doubt that the beauty of life can be found in a soulmate. I always believed we come here with the person that we are meant to be with and I became even more certain of this when I found my soulmate. When I met chris I felt like I have known him my entire life, we just instantly clicked on every level. It's as if we knew each other before....maybe in another life we did. The pain I feel from losing him is so intense because we became one he was literally my other half. But being that we were (are) soulmates we would have to find each other again....through death....through life...through something beyond my imagination or reality. Our hearts are forever joined...we are forever "one".

18 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

Thanks for the kindness Marty. That happened in Feb/March of 2015. Her last year was pretty much one miserable event after another. But through it all she tried to keep a stiff upper life and stay upbeat (more for my benefit than her own, I think). I sometimes wonder what I could have done differently or better, but i pretty much always come up with the same answer...nothing. All the mistakes, etc. were done by others that had the experience or training to make the better or different decisions. But after everything else is said and done, they are just as human as i am. I still get a bit mad when i think about that misplaced ballpoint pen cap. In spite of that though, I still consider nurses to be angels of mercy. They just shouldn't be allowed to use pens with removable caps. Thanks again for your kind thoughts and words. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Darrel I'm sorry that you and your love had to experience such "carelessness". I'm not sure what is going on with medical professionals these days but I am very disappointed in their lack of attentiveness. After my love was in and out the hospital the doctors were aware of the drop in his heart function and of course the extensive am out of antibodies that were causing his heart to reject yet after his last appointment in October they scheduled one at the end of December, which I believe was way too far out. Now I'm left wondering if he was seen earlier would he still be alive today. 

8 minutes ago, RangerKate said:

A movie...someone else's life...we all seem to feel like our real selves are somewhere else. Me, I feel like I'm living in a terrible alternate reality. Somewhere, in another universe, the bad thing didn't happen and Rich is alive and we're happy. I'm in the wrong universe.

Yes exactly. I say that I feel like I'm in an alternate reality everyday.....maybe we are.

Saturdays and the 10th of the month are now so very dreadfull. It's crazy how your body knows about these days and begins to physically shut down. 

Thank you everyone! I will let keep you all posted on how everything goes. 

7 minutes ago, Marg M said:

We just loved them so much we did not want to let them go no matter what.  I always said I was selfish.  

So true. I'm sure we never wanted our loves to be in pain but yet we still selfishly wanted them here.

Awww thank you Marty that makes me feel a lot better as I always feel like I'm complaining and burdening others. But I so appreciate the support and encouragement that I get from this group. I don't feel so alone. 

Thank you everyone!

I want to first start out by saying thank you to all of you who have offered your support and advice to me in some of my most darkest post. I also want to apologize for being on such an emotional roller coaster and complaining so much about how I'm feeling as we all have suffered in many ways from losing our spouse/partner. I've realized that my depression has only been getting worst and that if I don't face this grief head on It will take me out permanently. So I've decided to go for grief counseling to get the help I need. While I was against it at first, I realized this is the only thing that will save me....save me from destroying myself. While I am nervous I am hopeful that this is exactly what I need.

Again thank you all for your support and putting up with me. 

7 minutes ago, Brad said:

I apologize for being redundant as I've mentioned this a couple of times before; but I do think it merits repeating.  Early on in my grief my grief therapist told me it is important to remember every decision you made, you made out of love based on the best information you had at that time.  Being kind to yourself is a valuable gift to yourself.  Sadly we tend to second guess ourselves far more frequently than we would a friend.

 This is so very true Brad. None of us expected this to happen. As with everything else in life, we act according to what we know and can't very well act in ways that reflect what we don't know. 

50 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Guilt....One of the many battles I face, every day.

I am trying very hard to counter it with good, edifying thoughts.

Reminding myself that I am Loved. God loves me. My children, my mom...the list goes on.

I have come to realize just how destructive guilt is for me. When my mind goes there...for whatever it is..I am really working hard to counter it with the positives. I am hoping to make much progress in this area. It is time.

Instead of guilt trips....let me take a bike trip, or trip to a mall... 

Working on good trips, Marie

 

AB...you are so very welcome....you matter :-) more than you know...

Marie, thank you again  

Also you mentioned guilt, one of the worst aspects of grief. It's crazy how much guilt you can carry after losing someone you love so much. I've been struggling with guilt myself but every time I feel guilty about something that happened in the past I think to myself "what good would it do now??" Guilt won't change the reality that our loves are gone but it's hard not to imagine what would of happened if we did something different. 

10 minutes ago, enna said:

Dearest Ab ~ you are never complaining. You are grieving. Those of us who come here know that we have people who not only listen with open hearts but understand what grief is ~ we come here and find validation. We know that those who are here really do understand. You are doing just fine. 

Thank you Enna 

36 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

AB....I too had to leave work after returning from my husbands departure.

I am older, different circumstances ,....but ...I had to do what was best for me.

Graphic design is very deadline oriented....and can be problematic when life is " smooth" let alone filled with this debilitating journey of grief.... Take a step back and breathe deep as you heal...

You matter....

There are so many times I have been so tired and lonely....the survivors guilt so strong,...I wish I could just lay down with Kev and join him...

My children remind me how much they and their children need me.

Your mom loves and needs you too.

My mom is 74..I feel like Kev has given me a gift to allow me to spend time with my mom , I cherish that ...and my beautiful grandchildren.....

I try so hard to remember that. Even when my heart breaks because his time as grandpa was cut way too short..

We love and care for you....I pray that you find hope...

A hope for the future...I hope you spend time with the ones you love and have something to do and look forward to life, experiences ....so many things...to hope for...

When we love someone we want them to be happy and fulfilled....Your late love would  wish the very  best for you.....

You matter so very much, hugs..Marie

Oooh Marie, you don't know how much I needed those words you just said. Grief is rough, I never felt so hopeless in my life but when I think about just ending it all and being reunited with my love I think about all the pain I would cause for those who love and care for me especially my mother. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

30 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

There is no need to be sorry.  Much of what we feel while grieving is uncomfortable to talk about but that is why this forum is the right place to come.  Everyone here is at a different place in their journey but chances are if we haven't felt the way you do right now we will feel it in the future.  There are no judgements here.  Encouragement and understanding is given with the hopes of letting you know that you will ever be alone here.

We each march to a different drummer but the love song is the same.  We come and go here.  Sometimes posting a lot, sometimes just reading and feeling our grief.i

You don't need to act as though everything is sunny and ok because lots of the time it isn't.  I can understand what you are saying as I have days where I feel like giving up too.  Be kind to yourself.  You don't have to be perfect here.

Thank you for your kind words. I always feel the need to apologize to everyone over constantly complaining about how I'm feeling. I never want to be a burden to anyone. But I do feel comfortable expressing myself here, knowing I'm not so alone during this journey 

Thank you Marty 

Marty, yes I've been reluctant to seek counseling but I may consider it. I just don't know what else to do anymore everything just feels so overwhelming right now and I feel like I have no where to turn. My life is falling apart and I know if I don't try to get a handle on things it will be the end of me.

Yesterday I told my supervisor that I'm unable to work right now, I've been really depressed and working has been extremely hard right now. I'm worried that I won't have a job to go back to by taking this time to get myself together. Should I just force myself to go back and work anyways like I was doing despite how bad I'm feeling? Life is just so complicated right now and I'm stressed on top of dealing with this grief. I don't know what to do anymore. Please if anyone has any advice please share.

Thank you all.