Poppy my beautiful collie was diagnosed with a failing liver when she was 13. I was told she had 3 months to live. But with TLC and diet she pulled round. The vets couldn't believe it and said her liver must have regenerated. The next 3 years we did everything together but she started declining about a year ago. Her liver.was slipping again and her kidney enzymes were going up. It was a daily battle getting her to eat enough of the right things to keep on weight. 6 months back she had a seizure. Vets weren't sure if it was a stroke. But she came back from that in 3 days. 2 months later she had a small one and 2 months later a really terrible one. She was kicking and screaming. The vets gave Diazepam and she surprised us all by pulling round though it took a week and it seemed her vision was worse (she was already deaf). I questioned whether I was right to keep her going but she regained some spark and seemed determined.
However a while after she started a real decline. Her walking became slow, she would only eat a few morsels of anything and was getting even thinner, she was wobbly and she slept a lot. Then one day she didn't want to play and it seemed a couple of times that she was uncomfortable or in pain. One afternoon, when she had been lying here for 3 hours and had pressed her head against the wall - a sign of liver toxins affecting the brain. I called out the vet. She didn't want to get up for either of us. At 16 years 9 months and with no prospect of a magic cure, we decided enough was enough. But this is the thing. She didn't react to the needle giving the initial sedation but as it started to take effect she started trembling and kept trying to get up till she eventually collapsed with her head on the vets knee. Then when the euthanasia shot went in, I cradled her head and it took several gasps before her heart stopped.
I can't forgive myself for this ever. She struggled and was frightened, she wasn't ready and I killed her. It is a week later and I can't stop this terrible moment on replay in my head. I just wanted to help her but I can't tell her and now I am left in an empty home with a freezer full of home cooked food and her things all around me. The guilt and the loss are like a knife in my heart and it never goes away. Everything seems so pointless now and I can't stop crying. Please help.
Chrissy