Maynard

Thank you, Marg. That is a comforting way to see people. Not to stress myself by being irritated by them - they just don't know. But like you say, we know something now that all other people will know themselves one day. No one can comprehend until they've walked that path themselves, and few have empathy with what they don't understand. It will help me to take those comments with empathy for THEM for the time they will find out. I've said since I entered into this new world that one thing that never entered my mind before is that every couple who love, are happy, are one - together as one. Each couple that unites, one of them will experience this pain at some point. There are a few who pass together or within a few days apart, but most will end this way. So we know we are blessed to have had our time of love, togetherness, oneness and happiness...and...are blessed to be left in this world, better as a person because we knew them. When it's their time to travel on alone, it is our time to become a new person that, because we are the ones that truly knew their soul, get the mission to emulate their soul and who they were, and actually are through us, to those we come in contact with for as long as we are alive.

We have a hawks nest in the top of tree at the very back corner of our property. It overlooks our small pasture where rabbits and field mice - and snakes - move around. My husband, Cody, loved to watch them hunt during the day while he was home alone, waiting for me to come home from work. There are 2 hawks - I assume a pair - male and female. They are beautiful when soaring low with wings spread. The day my Cody died, when I came home from the hospital after releasing his body to the morgue - the first time I was back in our home alone after he was gone - on a little work table in front the fence to our pasture, not 25 feet from our dining room window sat a baby hawk. As beautiful as could be. The light shining on it made it glisten like gold. I had never seen a baby before. It sat there for a long time, just gazing in at me through the window. Watching me. I felt the same connection with that baby that I had felt with him every day while he was there with me. I felt so much peace. At the time, I didn't think of it as a sign. But as the memory keeps coming back around and around - I know that it was. I believe that he was visiting me through that baby...and watching me and checking up on me.

We have pets. We took in rescue animals and as many as we could care for at one time and gave them forever homes 'til their lives ended - making room for a home for another homeless animal. The ones we have now are very old - all except for one, but my husband was very sick for a long time and as he weakened, caring for the animals became more and more my job. We realized we had more than we could care for, but chose to stick it out and just not take in anymore. It was very, very hard for me to care for him, our home, yard and the pets, while working full time during the last year that he was just getting worse and worse. We were looking into moving to an apartment and even had considered having the old dogs put to sleep, so our lives (mostly mine) could be more bearable. But now, even tho' the pets take up most of my time, it is not as hard as it was. They give me comfort because he loved them and they loved him. And they seem extra thankful now that he's gone that I'm still here with them. That is something good. I don't expect most of them to live more than a year or two, but will continue to care for them 'til then. That's just the way we are (were). Some people have told me to start 'thinning out' the pets. I won't do that - can't handle more loss right now. Besides - those 'some people' have no idea what they're talking about. I've been given a lot of 'advice' by people who want to 'tell' me what I should do while all at the same time, not willing to lift a finger to actually help me with anything. Guess, as I'm learning to try to connect to other people - I can clearly see those that it would be better to steer clear of or eliminate from my world all together. I like your comment, kayc, that 'we have to do what feels comfortable to us and balancing between pushing beyond our comfort zone and giving ourselves time to get through this in a way that is right for us'. That's good grounding to remember. I never did let other people's ideas about what I should do matter much - I think that's a part of me I just found I still have and can keep. Thank you, kayc

Thank you for your words, everyone. The outpouring of understanding and caring here is almost overwhelming. I didn't expect such connection so quickly. Everyone so far is in the same world I'm in - no matter the length of time. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you. I'll always be alone without him here with me, but all of you are filling that other void of having no one who understands me. I have dear friends who love and care about me. They've been by my side almost constantly since a few days before he passed. They have been a true blessing - making sure I eat. Calling and checking on me. Getting me out of the house. Even having me spend the night at their house a few times when I couldn't bare to sleep alone in my home. They haven't lost someone this close to them, but they understand that I feel like I feel even if they can't relate - and walk through it with me. They are starting to loosen the connection somewhat - I know they need to get on with their life, but still stay close as possible to me. And I need to venture out on my own to stumble, fall and learn this new world. Taking it slow - most of the time I don't want to even see the 'new world', but occasionally I think about it or try a small change. Coming here is filling a void for me. Not the void of him not being here - nothing will ever fill that one, but the void of connecting with people who know something about me that no one else does - like he did - is comforting. Not that he ever had to understand these feelings about me...but just being understood is something. He always understood me, even when nothing made sense. He always knew just what to say or do. He loved me unconditionally. In a way I feel a resemblance to that here...Thank you

Oh, Thank you Gin and Mitch both for your replies. It is a comfort to hear from someone who knows what that pain is and is experiencing the same as me. Sigh - I like what you said, Mitch "In a way, he can live on inside of you". I try to think of that. Remembering the one of a kind person he was and watching for ways I can put some of what he gave to those around him back into the world for having known and learned from him. That's a hope - I haven't gotten there yet. I'm also so sorry for both of you and the pain of your losses. It is a comfort to be here with you. I hope to get to know everyone more as I get where I can tell more about my story. Thank you so much.

It's only been 1-1/2 months since my husband passed on. It seems like forever and it seems like only yesterday both at the same time. I'm going through the 'normal' grief processes. Trying to get around people when I can. We lived alone, so now I'm alone. We were happy just the 2 of us and only visited family / friends occasionally. Now, I'm trying to make sure I contact someone every day - even tho' I work full time - and get together with someone at least once a week. It's a complete new life style change on top of everything else. Even tho' I've made that an important change to make for my self-care - no one fills the emptiness. I feel like I'm trying to find a new life amidst family and friends (who I love dearly by the way) that seem like strangers now- because I'm a stranger to myself without him. From day to day - I don't know what hurts more - missing him - or missing who I knew I was when he was here - that person I can't find anymore. I hope I can find some support here. I've tried other groups online and get no responses to my posts. Really need someone to 'talk' to.