Nightwinds

Thank you all for your kind words. It has helped. The people thattold me I'll be there for you have certainly not been around. My daughter and my husbands best friend have helped me and checked in on me.

Today is my 21st wedding anniversary. It's also been 1 month to the day that I lost my soul mate, best friend, and the love of my life. I feel like a shell of a person walking and talking but not really there. Sometimes I even wonder if that life was a dream or if this life I am living now is a nightmare. I honestly have moments where I feel like I can't survive without him but I get up, I eat at least once a day, I take a bath, check my glucose, take my shots, do the housework and the cooking that I am able to do, I go to the grocery store, pay the bills, do the laundry, and I have been going through all Brian's belonging. For every item that leaves the house I feel like I lose him again. I had to take the sacks of his clothes and shoes to my daughters home because I just couldn't give them away. I may feel like I'm dying inside but only my pillows know the wracking sobs that happen at bedtime when he isn't there, the house is empty and quiet, and I don't here his content breathing in sleep.

I lost my husband's 19 year old cat the day after his service. The cat had dementia and was so upset he couldn't find Brian. We had that cat as long as we have been married I also had to give away our 8 month old puppy the day Brian passed. I couldn't handle him. At 75 pounds he needed a home that could handle him. I felt the sooner I found him a home the better.

I have discovered that people look the other way or avoid eye contact. When they do talk to you they tell you things like "Life Goes On." I feel like they have cursed me when I am told that simple platitude. I'm not upset with them for being uncomfortable with me. I have had one lady tell me I'm living her worst nightmare. My Brian was only 49 and our 20 year anniversary is next week. I'm so scared I'm going to come unhinged. I know it's just another day but we had plans. We were so looking forward to our anniversary. It just so happens that our anniversary and his 1 month passing is the same day. Ive been a bit of a basket case today with tears and sobs (something I have never done) flowing freely. I feel like a leaky faucet. My daughter told me she had never seen me look old yesterday. She wasn't being mean she was truly shocked at my appearance.

Thank you. I appreciate your words. They sum up a lot of what I'm going through. I realize I'm almost dissociating. I have never been a quiter or a coward and I have always been strong. I have never felt broken before Brian died. We always joked we would go out together so neither one of us would have to be alone. Some days I feel like the grief will kill me. I can't imagine surviving this pain for months or years. My family tried to understand but they are truly clueless. Im looking into disability apartments because I know I can't take care of all the household and yard duties as well as all my flower beds. It will be awful to move out of our house.

I know everyone on this board has lost a husband or wife but for some reason I still feel all along be in my grief. Like no one can hurt this bad and survive it. Keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion has got me through the last 18 days and I barely remember the 4 before his service. I keep thinking today will be better... and it's not. Today was one of the worst since the first few days. I feel numb but hurt so bad in my chest I can barely take a breath. I have done crazy stuff. I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read. I guess I'm lost as crazy as that sounds.

I lost my husband on March 27, 2017. I have been able to keep busy until today. I have medical problems and we took care of each other. My husband had Marfans disease and he had a massive aneurysm in May 2000. We knew how he would die for 17 years. I am thankful for every day, hour, minute we had together. Us both being disabled we have barely left each other longer than to go to the store the last 5 years. I am not suicidal. I don't believe in that and do not want to jeopardize being with him. That doesn't mean I don't pray for God to take me so I can join him. I just don't know how to be without the other half of my soul.