Chellaboosmom

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

Chellaboosmom, as I read through your posts, my heart just hurts for you. I know it doesn't help to hear this, but it's been barely three months since the death of your son, and the fact that your grief is still so fresh and your pain is so raw is not unusual. It takes several weeks for the initial shock and numbness of a significant loss like this to begin to wane, and then you are hit with the full force of all that you have lost. It may feel as if you got hit by a truck and are drowning in sorrow ~ but you are not alone, and we are here to toss a lifeline to you whenever you need it. You say you're tired of therapy (I don't know if your therapist specializes in child loss and bereavement, but I hope so) and you can barely function even though you still work and work out. Have you done any reading or looked for any resources that may guide you and help you to better understand and manage your reactions? I've gathered links to a number of helpful ones here, and I hope you'll consider some of them: When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

You've not yet shared with us the details of your son's death. We don't even know his name. Can you tell us a bit about him? Do you have any pictures of him you'd be willing to share with us? What are some of your favorite memories of him?  

Dear friend 

our only son Prashant was 29 years old handsome highly achieved but killed himself by jumping off his 32 nd floor balcony 

he was the joy of our life especially mine

we enjoyed each other's  company so much.. he was so kind loving compassionate easily laughed with me.. I could go on and on

bottom line I feel I have lost everything in life..can't admit I don't have him anymore 

i am really trying to stay upbeat under the circumstances ... it seems every one has moved on except me... I know my husband is hurting too but somehow I can't seem to connect with him in this grief

im reading a book but end up crying mostly 

sleep is impossible... not sure what life has in store for me

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Just change the "dad" to "mom" and frame it, that is beautiful.

Thanks for sharing 

the words touch my heart and tears are running down

Life goes on 

yet another person asked me if I had kids 

I had to reply not anymore.. need a better answer... can't just say no..

 I don't have anything to look forward to 

need a motive to go on..

Oh my!!

nice song.. brought tears to my eyes.. I always imagine him up in the clouds... and hope he will remember me always.. thanks for sharing 

I'm tired of therapy.. but grieving more after Mother's Day ..am I ever gonna be tears free... hurts all the time.. lying in bed seems the best thing to do but can't sleep despite meds.. seem like I can't function.. though I work and work out

True theres a solace in the car... I am always crying in the bathrooms too.. even at work .. nothing is going to bring him back

hurting like hell.. working like a zombie 

On 2/28/2017 at 7:02 PM, Numb and Lost said:

I am so tired of hearing how I will be a stronger and better person having gone through this. I don't care anything about being stronger. I should be a bullet proof indestructable tank given what I had already been through. I know my friends mean well but I don't even want to talk to them anymore because everything they say infuriates me in some way, sometimes maybe even when it shouldn't. No one can possibly fathom this agony if they haven't experienced it themselves. I realize I am not a voice of encouragement on this forum and I apologize for that. I just feel so utterly hopeless. I can't drive in my car by myself without crying. I can't listen to music hardly. Sometimes I have a normal appetite but then I get sick afterwards. I turn the radio on and then back off pretty quickly. I can't stand most songs. I just can't believe something I feared so much and then dreamed about really happened. It isn't normal to have a fear that a 34 year old will die for no reason, however I did have that fear and my fear became my reality. I thought I was finished with my "anger" stage of grief but evidently not because I am livid today. I'm not angry at God I'm just angry. Im angry and drowning in tears even as I type. I feel like I just can't take it and I can't accept this and go on to leave any normal semblance of a life. I may go through the motions and look normal on the outside but not inside. I know I have to as I don't have a choice but I don't know how. I don't want to "find the positive in every day" as people suggest. I don't find anything positive right now. I also know from experience life can ALWAYS get worse so I shouldn't feel like nothing is positive but I can't help it right now. My biggest struggle is accepting he is gone. I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure what. I think I've probably said this already as apparently I'm turning into a repetitive forgetful parrot but I always felt like there was more to come concerning him and me even during times we weren't seeing each other.  I was always right. I still feel that way. I feel it so strongly. I just feel like something is going to happen and I'm waiting on whatever that is. I hope the reason I feel that way is because I really will see him again in heaven. My friends that know don't want to hear it anymore so I pretty much have nowhere to go but here. They think I should be "better" by now. I used to look for him when I was on the road now I just look at the clouds. I do not know how to "let go." I just don't want to.  It just doesn't seem real. I'm really repeating myself now.  I'm making myself sick, in the middle of a breakdown on here typing at the same time with teardrops all over my phone screen. 

I agree that people want to stop hearing about our loss..in fact even some family members have told me There's no point in talking anymore.. it hurts because that's all I want to do.. thinking and talking about him..

whats with the car and crying I do it all the time.i now decided I won't talk about my son unless people ask me..

i will grieve privately or on this forum.

thanks for being there

hugs

8 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, no matter what age. My heart goes out to you. 

Thanks 

he is in my dreams regularly 

said last night I am here mom...made me happy that somehow he's reaching out

i think all losses are equal but this one I can never recover from

14 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

You will always be his mom, always. I think they still remember us from heaven and hopefully still feel our love for them. I'd like to think maybe the connection is only grieved from our side, that maybe the way they understand and feel love is even stronger from heaven. 

There are days that I dread. I dread his birthday because I will see all the posts on Facebook that I can't even be a part of. Most of all I dread Christmas because that is when he died. This between him and I began at Christmas also. I have always absolutely loved Christmas, everything about it. Now I feel it will just bring back all the painful memories. 

But can't handle it when someone asks me if you have kids..

i say I had one and then cry.. I am not ready to accept that I'm childless 

after 29 years 

I feel the only way I can console myself is that he has found an end to his struggles and is happier wherever he is

i haven't been through other holidays yet but dreading Mother's Day because last year he called me thrice to wish me .. maybe he knew it was the last time

16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Every now and then I feel a wave of peace come over me but even with it there is a sadness. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not shocked that this is reality. I still just can't believe it. I have horrible periods of broken down crying that last an hour or more sometimes. I hope can find my hope, but I am forever a different person. I will never be who I was before.

It is reality.. I go through the day working evenings are harder because that's the time he died.. Easter was a very difficult day for me.. I dread going to the shops because of Mother s day ads..

I am no longer anyone's mom...don't think I will ever see light at end of this long dark tunnel of life

On 4/3/2017 at 3:39 PM, Mike's Girl said:

Numb and Lost - I know exactly what you're going through.  I just lost my husband that I was happily married to for 24 years on March 3rd.  Exactly one month ago today, my world came crashing down.  He passed suddenly after a very brief illness. I was stunned and in total disbelief that he was gone.  Still am.  It all happened so quickly, since the beginning of the year.  I really haven't had time to completely process it.  

My pain is very raw and I cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm coping as best I can with the loss of my best friend and partner, but it's all so overwhelming. My family flew in and was there for me during the first week of him being gone, so the realization didn't really hit me. I was numb. After that first week and the family went back up home, my "friend bubble" moved in and helped for a while.  I was still numb.  Now, a month out, the newness of the situation has worn off and I feel people are starting to get annoyed about my crying jags and introverted demeanor.  The realization that he's gone is really starting to hit me and the fear is starting to settle in.  I find myself during nights and weekends just sitting and remembering the blur of the past 3 months and I'm reduced to a sobbing mess.  How am I supposed to  get up and stand strong when I can hardly breathe?  What's the first step?  So many thoughts are running through my head that I'm in a stupor.

Your comments are reflective of what I have thought over the past month.  I don't want this new normal.  I want him back.  I want my old life back.  Being forced into this new life isn't fair.  Finding myself alone at this point was not part of the plan.  

Sorry for your loss

im grieving the loss of my 29 year old only son and I can feel your pain

i am not sure if it will ever get better..prayers for you

Lost my 29 year old only son almost two months ago

i relive his traumatic death every day

dont know how to cope