Eagle-96

39 minutes ago, TomPB said:

A lot of women would not have enjoyed what I like but it was exactly what Susan liked. Amazing! Cruising on functional but no-frills boats. Sitting on the boat on a mooring ("Let's just be boat potatoes today") or on the beach for hours with no need for entertainment but the ocean, each other and a book or a crossword. Camping in the Caribbean and spending a day just walking around an island. Hating to shop, buying only what we need but really getting a thrill out of something simple that worked perfectly. Finding what we liked and doing it over and over again. Susan would say "?s hate change". Well I got change now! After 48 years of that perfect partnership and intense love I am really lost without it.

Lori and I were the same. We just liked to do the same things. And an even happier thought for me are the things that I liked that Lori didn't particularly enjoy. But she did them anyway because they brought me joy. I really makes my heart swell to know that she loved me so much she would sacrifice her enjoyment just to make me happy. I would do the same for her.

1 hour ago, Dr Lenera said:

I've noticed that 'pained' look quite a few times and on those occasions I actually felt guilty for speaking the truth and making people feel ill at ease or even upset....which is ridiculous really!

Do not ever feel guilty if someone seems put out by you sharing your true emotions. If they have a problem with your feelings and it makes them feel uneasy or awkward then they shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Kinda like the saying, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to." The biggest slap in the face is that we feel bad for making the other person feel uneasy. As if we didn't have enough pain and despair in our lives. Now we have to walk on eggshells around people so as not to upset THEM.

To have that one person who is in your corner no matter what. That has your back until the end. It's the purest feeling in the world. To know that if everyone else on earth was against you, you would have that person there ready to do battle with you. Willing to die for you. I can't recall a better feeling. No matter how much I reflect on it, THAT is a feeling that surpasses all others. That is true love. I could always count on Lori. She would back my play no matter what and I would always do that for her. We both knew it without having to say a word. At one of the last family gatherings we had, Lori was speaking with my brother's wife about love and relationships. Lori told her, "We just get each other". I couldn't put it any better. We just got each other. I have nobody to lay my life down for and nobody who would do the same. To know that I'll never have that again is the hardest reality to accept.

56 minutes ago, Mike's Girl said:

I too have a haunting memory that won't stop plaguing me.  The hallway to our bedroom was too narrow and awkward for the EMTs to fit their stretcher, so they carried MIchael out of the bedroom from under his shoulders and legs.  He just hung there, so limp and pitiful, as they carried him.  He had a look on his face that I will never forget.  Was it disappointment that I called the ambulance and didn't let him die at home?  Was it pain from being manhandled by them as they carried him and dropped him on the stretcher? Was he mad at me?  Was he glad I called for help when I did?  The memory of him being so fragile and weak on that stretcher and the look of disappointment(?) on his face is burnt into my memory forever.

It brings back guilt, second-guessing, regret, etc... Did I do enough. Did I do something wrong. I think about finding her on the bathroom floor. The fear in her eyes. Seeing her slipping away no matter how hard I tried. If anyone wants to know the definition of "helpless", just perform CPR on the love of your life and watch them slip away. I will never be able to get those few minutes out of my mind. It's not beneficial to my healing but my mind keeps taking me back to 3:30 AM on 04/01/17. To the worst few minutes of my life. Or what's left of it anyway. I wake up at 3:30 in the morning constantly. For the first month I couldn't figure out why I was waking up at that time every night. Then it hit me. It's like the grief monster wants to make sure I know he's there day and night. That he's not going anywhere anytime soon. The monster wants me to know who's running the show now. 

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Mitch, I want to crawl inside your heart and head and know HOW you find this to keep you going.  Of course if I hadn't loved Steve so much, I wouldn't be here with all of you.  I don't feel really married anymore.  Time is stealing that feeling away and replacing it with....you are alone now.  I don't feel his love at all except in memories and that is not enough to give me motivation to go on.   I have these little adventures and no one to share them with along with new ones together.  I want to really feel him in some way, but I don't.   I'm so cold inside because everything I do now is changed and no matter what I do,  it's all in a void.  For once I would love to come home and say I'm home, babe.  I'm not asking for a pep talk from you.  It would fall on deaf ears.  I guess what I am saying is I am envious.  There seems to be a division here of those that feel ongoing love and those.that feel nothing from our partners.  I find memories and the fact we were so tight painful as we all do, but not consoling because I had it.  It's lost to me forever in this remaining life and I have no beliefs about another after this.  This all goes back to mattering to someone meaning you were needed and wanted above all else. I think about if I was gone that people would miss me, I'd cross thier mind from time to time, but it wouldn't change thier lives significantly.  I miss being that to someone.

just need to get that out so please no pep talks of how fortunate I was, I know that.  Perhaps too fortunate as I hear about other marriages that were not as deeply rooted as all ours were.  Trying to find gratitude in that is my biggest challenge.

It's so hard knowing that if I died that there would be nobody that will grieve for me as much as I grieve for Lori. Nobody that hurts with such a force as I hurt for Lori. There is nobody that depends on me and counts on me like Lori did. Sure there would be tears but nothing like those that I shed for Lori. It's a punch to the guts to know that I am not that person to anyone anymore. It's a stark 180 turn from the life I had before 04/01/17. It's literally going from Eden to the desert in a fraction of a second. I too find it hard to be grateful for what we had because those highs make the current lows so much more painful. If we never knew the joys of a full and complete marriage then the loneliness we feel now couldn't be as deep. Could it? 

5 hours ago, Dr Lenera said:

It's just over a year now for me now and I have been recently been asked twice if I'm feeling a bit better now and when I reply [depending on my mood at the time] "not really" or "maybe a tiny bit, but that's all" the person asking the question seemed very surprised though tried to half-heartedly conceal it.

Nobody really has even an idea of what it's like until they experience it themselves.

That is reality smacking them in the face. A reality they have a 50/50 chance of facing one day. They had probably secretly hoped you would say you were doing "great" or "much better". If you tell them that then it is a relief to them. Not because you're doing much better, but because it makes them feel better about any grief they have in store down the line. The rest of the world wants nothing more than for us to be "back to normal" after a month or two. That's THEIR best case scenario in all of this. Then they can tell themselves that they will do fine in 10, 20, or 30 years when it happens to them. It's interesting when they get "the look" on their face when they ask about how we are doing and we actually tell them how we really are. They get that pained look like we are putting THEM out and making them feel bad for a minute or two. The reality is that we STAY in that pain for the rest of our lives. I wanna ask them, "Would you like to trade places. I'll feel awkward for a minute and you get to be in complete despair forever. Sound good?"

I remember praying in the hospital for Lori to live. I prayed harder than I suppose I ever had. Then a peace came over me and I prayed for Gods will. I knew that meant that His will could be for Lori to go. I was scared of His answer. I battled with this realization but at the same time knew that Gods will was better and greater than anything I could want. His answer that day was no but I have felt at peace with what I asked for even though it meant that she is gone. 

1 hour ago, Nightwinds said:

I seem to have waves of grief and I am always alone when the really bad ones hit. 

I feel like a water faucet all the time now. I just tear up anything talk about Brian or even just typing this. I can't tell you when my love for this man encompassed my life but I felt my heart break and my soul leave with him when he died. I was running around gathering clothes to meet him st another hospital. I hit my knees and grabbed my chest about 39 minutes after I put him on the ambulance. I called his phone. He answered and said hey babe and I heard the phone hit the floor and the emt start working on him. I cried so hard. Hanging up the phone felt like I gave up on him. I went back to the hospital knowing he would be taken back. 

When they brought him in he was uncovered and his eyes were open. I have nightmares of those eyes many nights a week. 

I will never be ok with losing him but I will go on. 

 

I too replay the final days in my mind. Over and over and over. Second guessing. Playing alternate scenarios. Trying to find one where she lives. Where my CPR works. Where I get a 2nd opinion. They all lead back to here. Alone. That is my new lot in life. When I married Lori, I said forever and I meant it. I will honor our marriage until the day I die. 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 No. I've gone back to sobbing myself to sleep missing him because I know so acutely it brings another day of this pain.  I've recently taken on more loss in my life, that maybe the trigger as that creates more voids.  I can't turn to him for solace.  My go to guy.  He was the catalyst that started this.  I find myself saying.....I want you back!

That is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Whenever I hurt. Whenever I am low. Whenever this journey seems like it is too much. The one person I could always turn to for comfort, advice, or just someone to hold me isn't here. I need so badly to talk to the one person that knew everything about me. That knew just what to say. That could put out the fires of anxiety that burn so fiercely right now. I'm 45 years old and it frightens me to think of 30 - 40 years without her. Our 14 years together seems like the blink of an eye right now. 

I'm not sure what your additional loss is Gwen but I will pray for your comfort to get you through it. 

39 minutes ago, kevin said:

Eagle-96.....I agree, that is what constitutes Grief, 50% of you is now missing......This change lasts forever, you adapt after time passes,  either willingly or by necessity...we call it a Journey but it is also a combination of  learning new " life learning skills" and being in a life boat alone.......It does change as time goes on, good and bad....that just means there still is Life inside of you......A bit of a ramble, strange feelings sometimes........

It's kind of like we have been in a terrible accident and have woken up out of a coma to this new life. We open our eyes and everything has changed. We have to re-learn everything we used to do with ease. Like the person with the injury we have to learn to walk and talk again. We have to learn to do life again.

2 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I keep getting the question, "Are you getting better?"  I feel like I must have a sickness or that is what others see it as....then I think I need to get "better." 

They want us to get better. In fact, they NEED us to get better. They selfishly want some assurance that grief is finite. That it somehow isn't that bad. They don't want us to be the living reminder of what death can do to a spouse left behind. Just in case they are the half of their marriage that is left without their spouse

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Not all relationships are equally close. Seems to me that a lot of the participants on this site, like me, had formed a complete union with their spouse, becoming a single being. I think the closer the relationship, the harder the readjustment.

Exactly. There are tons of marriages out there where the couple simply co-exists or stays together despite everything. There are people who lose a spouse that aren't affected very much because the love and connection wasn't there. There were married for all the wrong reasons. Those on this, and other, grief support forums lost their soulmates. Lost the person that meant everything to them. Truly lost 50% of their being.

14 minutes ago, peanutbritt said:

Hi all,

I was widowed at the age of 37 9 years ago. I few years after, I had a long, "safe" relationship (safe because it was comfortable and I knew I would never stay in the relationship). Finally, just a little over a year ago, I met a wonderful younger man who really taught me how to love. I loved this person more than I had ever loved anyone.

We had one short year together. Three weeks ago, he lost his life in a motorcycle accident. This was the same way my husband died 9 years ago.

I am in such shock that this is happening again and so heartbroken - I've lost the love of my life. I don't know how to survive this...

I am saddened for your loss and so very sorry you have to go through this journey again. You were very brave to open your heart to love again after the loss of your husband 9 years ago with the full knowledge of what loss truly means. That is a strength that not many people have. I wish I had the words to help you through this. Just know that we are here for you. I am praying for your peace and comfort.

12 hours ago, TomPB said:

Thanks Eagle and Marty. There's good advice on that link. I'm doing this on advice from a grief counselor who is a huge help to me with a woman who was highly recommended and with whom I have had a very good discussion. I am going ahead but based on the link will be extra careful about what I might want to keep. As with all these minefields I don't know how I'll react till it happens. I've arranged to have dinner with my brother, who is another huge support, tomorrow night for backup.

Thinking about you Tom as I know today will be tough. You can do it!

21 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Tomorrow for even more fun I have a person coming over to help me with her clothes.

All the encouraging talk from therapists, family and friends...I don't believe it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE ?❤️?

I would be upfront with that person and let them know how difficult it is going to be for you(and it will be difficult Tom). That you may cry at a moments notice or for things that your friend may not bat an eyelash at. Hopefully some of the tears will be tears of joy as you reflect on Susan and the happy times she spent wearing those clothes. I have a feeling that Susan will be there with you to help you tomorrow. 

18 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm a big crier. Tomorrow is Susan's birthday and I'm getting together with some of her friends tonight for a bday "party". In preparing a card I read past cards from me to her and from her to me and was crying violently, screaming. So much love expressed, "love you more every year" etc and now I'm supposed to live without that warmth. 

The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face. 

I'm glad that you got to spend her birthday among friends and got to visit your special places. We have to hold onto those memories and touchstones.

It's a strange new realization we come to when we lose our spouses. Most of humanity sees our plight and wants to do whatever they can to assuage the pain we feel. They want to do anything in their power to help us but most just don't know how. BUT, that large percentage of humanity has their hearts in the right place just not the know-how to turn the sympathy into actionable and meaningful help. It's not their fault, they simply don't know what to do. THEN there is that small percentage of people(I shutter to refer to them as humanity as they are far from human) that treat us as if we have done something wrong. It's as if it is our fault that our spouse passed away. Or that we are to be punished because we are the living reminder of death and the pain it brings. To most of society, we are to be pittied. To some we are to be viewed as lepers, best to be stowed away on an island or in a cave as to be far out of view. 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

As for feeling alone, I feel it keenly most of the time no matter how many people I'm around, and I do get out almost every day.  There's something about having that one person that loves you and needs you in their life more than anything in the world, that person who cares what you think, that person that is the other part of your "team"...and when they're gone, no amount of people can fill that void.

It's like when people tell me they're pulling for me or they are there for me. It's nice and I understand the sentiment but I only want ONE person and I can't have her. What people forget is that we could be in a stadium full of people and still feel alone. The team analogy is spot on. It's like we're a pitcher standing on the mound and our catcher is gone. We have no one to throw the ball to. We're all alone out there and everyone is staring at us and we just don't know what to do next.

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

When I tell some people that pictures and memories of Susan bring me the pain of loss instead of warmth, they think that's a choice, that I am deliberately taking the negative approach. I have to explain that's just what my system does, I have no choice.

People tend to project on us what they think they would do in our situation. They imagine that if they lost their spouse they would pull themselves up by the bootstraps and handle every situation with a glass half full attitude. We represent the effects of death. We are a living reminder of the ultimate pain so they project to make themselves feel like they would be ok. Our reactions to the cornucopia of situations and stimuli we deal with have nothing to do with any choice we make. And sometimes the same situation garners a different response on different days. It's like taking every possible negative human emotion and throwing them into a blender. We mix it on high for 2 minutes and then we get to pour some out several times each day. We get what we get whether we want to or not and we have no choice but to drink up and pretend we're enjoying it.

3 minutes ago, kayc said:

I so relate!  Now we know what it's like to be on death row and they won't flip the friggin' switch!  30 years of appeals and still waiting!

The terrible part is that we're not sitting in solitary confinement with no windows. We actually get to suffer in this prison cell while being able to see out the window to society. We get to see everyone else go on with their lives with their spouses. We see the births, engagements, marriages, holidays. All of the moments and times that we so desperately long for that we cannot ever have again. It's torture magnified. 

17 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I still just try my best to find things to do to fill time until the next 24 hours of "my sentence".  Sometimes, it does feel like we're imprisoned in our own grief.

Such an amazing way to put it. It is so very much like serving time. I was living the high life and had everything I had ever wanted. Then, in the blink of an eye, I am in prison for the rest of my life. Serving a sentence for a crime I didn't commit. Sometimes I wish the executioner would just flip the switch.

26 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 And the people who advise us, those who have not walked through this fire we walk in daily, unfortunately, they may remember, like I remember.  And, we will forgive them too.

Powerful words that I hope I can remember when the opportunity presents itself.

14 hours ago, TomPB said:

Certainly captures how I feel. I know couples where the one left behind only stayed on this side for a very short time - less than a month in one case - and wonder why i'm stuck  My grief is so intense it ought to be enough to be fatal. People tell me there must be more for me to do. Well yes I will do what I can to make sure my treasure is remembered. After that, as the blog says, eff it. 

It's really tough Tom. It's like the whole "meaning of life" question personified. Why am I here and Lori is gone? What is my purpose? Am I supposed to learn something from all of this? Is there something I am supposed to change about myself or a task I must accomplish? I wish I knew so I could get on with it. But God has his timeframe and it definitely is longer than mine I suppose. Truth be told, I would have rather He took me when Lori left so I wasn't stuck here in the mud spinning my wheels. 

BTW: Those people telling you there is more for you to do. Oh how I wish I could have a frank yet short discussion with them. The phrase "Easier said than done" never rang so true. If they only knew.

I keep the TV on all night. I need the distraction as it's the silence that scares me. The darkness and the silence. 

Kay, those times are tough for me too. Hearing news and wanting to tell Lori, only to realize she isn't here. I came home from work the other day and pulled into the garage. I saw Lori's car and my first thought was, "oh good, Lori's home" then it hit me like we all know and I just sat there. 

Praying for you on this difficult day. These days are tough. Sunday will be the anniversary of Lori and my first date. We both worked at the same company and we had been emailing(back in the days before instant messaging) each other on the company email. Lori saved and printed a great deal of the emails for posterity and, my how glad I am that she did. I wonder how we got any work done as we emailed each other constantly. We had worked together for about 9 months and we had a mutual friend that always had to hear about us talking about the other one and how we were interested. Well one day she stopped us both and said. "Lori this is Sean. Sean this is Lori" and walked away. We started emailing and then one day she invited me out for drinks after work. I agreed but we both wondered if the other would invite co-workers for a happy hour. In the back of our minds we both hoped it would be just us but we were not sure. I got to the restaurant and saw her there alone. I walked up and asked if it was just us. She said yes and I said I didn't invite anyone either. There were those million butterflies. We saw each other the next night and the next and the next and the rest is history. That was the first day of the best fourteen years of my life. I read those emails last night and balled like a baby. BUT. There were many happy tears mixed in. It was like I was living it all over again. It was like she was there. I got to escape to a place I haven't been to for a while and it felt really good.

I hope you can get to that happy place no matter how fleeting.