Eagle-96

On 6/21/2017 at 0:30 PM, Dew's Girl said:

Hi all.  Just checking in.  I made a move to a new city and am working hard on finding my way.  

Just wanted to share a new blog post about how hard it is to be happy.  I hope you all are finding some moments of peace.

http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/?m=1

"It's so easy to be sad.  It's like a warm, comfortable coat that protects me from letting other people in and from really living life.  Being happy is hard."

I've gone back and read some of your posts. They are eerily similar to mine. I met a Lori at work and we worked together our entire marriage. We were married 13 years never had children and lived in our house for ten years. My wife also died suddenly in the middle of the night. 

I am so sorry that you are not only dealing with the loss of your husband but you have to deal with people who are acting this way towards you. I usually tell people that are new to the forum that 99% of the people you deal with mean well when they say things that seem to be cold and sometimes callous. Well, unfortunately there is the other 1%. Sometimes people are too wrapped up in their own lives to stop and consider anyone else's feelings. It must be hard for you to deal with that. 

You should grieve in YOUR timeframe and nobody else's. People are under some strange illusion that grief is a finite timeline and you should be over your spouses death when they are over it. Something you will hear on this forum a lot is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can truly understand this level of grief. The sad thing is that one of the very people treating you this way will probably endure this one day and then likely reflect on how they treated you. 

40 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I may have already said this, not going back up to find it.  Don't talk to others (unless you have a counselor), and even then, a counselor cannot understand.  I always say not to read or talk to anyone whose feet have not touched the flame.  You have things to say?  Talk to us.  Don't make the mistake of talking to someone that won't understand.  And fear is very real.  Sometimes it gets so real I don't want to leave the apartment.  Right now I am putting off washing clothes that have to be washed.  Gotta do it though.  Stuff we have to do and even if we don't want to.  And it always leaves little scars.  We are here.

That, to me, is one of the saddest aspects of this. That only people that have gone through this can relate. It makes it so tough to open up to people in our lives. It isolates us. I have three people(mother in law, friend of family, cousin)I know that have lost a spouse so I know when I talk to them they know my pain. They don't sugar coat it and they give me real words. I find the same solace and advice here and don't know where I would be without each and every one of you.

8 hours ago, Patricia B said:

Thank you all so very very much. The ending was very unexpected and pretty traumatic. I honestly think I haven't fully digested the reality yet. I'm wondering if I'm still in some kind of shock.  Things seem so unreal. Also the fear. I feel afraid. Is that usual as well? Talking to others that aren't going through it almost makes me feel worse. Their conversation seems kind, but so casual. So I respond as if I'm in control but I'm actually broken in half. The words are going back and forth but it sometimes feel like I'm watching a movie instead of living it.

Pat, I am saddened that you are here. We don't wish this pain on anyone. I am glad you found us though. This forum has helped me so much through this process. I lost my wife to a sudden heart attack on April 1st so I am eleven weeks in to this. Fear is a very normal feeling as are sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, doubt...  they come and go and you may experience them alone or sometimes all at once. There is no rhyme or reason to how these emotions come. Sometimes I just have to ride the wave of emotions until they subside. 

This shock just and numbness you feel now are your body using its defense mechanisms to shield you from the pain. To me it is like a fog that I went through where days just melted into each other. 

Keep in mind that your friends and family mean well when they say things that may seem out of place or odd. The sad fact is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can ever begin to understand what you are going through. The way I describe it to people is I ask them to think about the lowest they have ever felt emotionally in their life. Multiply that by one million and that doesn't even begin to approach how I feel. Your friends simply don't understand your pain. So if they say something that seems unhelpful or cliche just know that they are trying to help but may not know how. 

You will also learn that there is a mask you will wear around friends and family. The mask that makes you appear alright when the pain inside seems unbearable. I wear the mask because I fear that people will stop calling or asking me to go out if I am always down and sad. I mean who wants to be around a downer all the time. At the same time I fear that people will think that I am ok or that I didn't really love Lori if they see me acting as if I were living a life that could approach happiness. Inevitably I take the mask off when I come home to an empty house.  I don't say these things to scare you but to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. I pray for you and that you will find healing.

To everyone out there that has lost their spouse and has children. I know that Fathers Day is Sunday and will undoubtedly be a tough day for many of you. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for peace and comfort for all of you.

George,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Caring for parents can be difficult and was sometimes a source of frustration between Lori and her sister. Her sister lived in the same town as my MIL and we were two hours away. My MIL doesn't drive due to memory issues and so if anything was needed Lori's sister was in town and five minutes from my MIL house and a lot of things fell on her to do. To top it off, my MIL has issues stemming from lack of oxygen from her heart attack many years ago. These can cause her to lash out and she has little short-term memory and it is sadly out of her control. So Lori's sister had a great deal of pressure with caring for my MIL with very little thanks from my MIL. It caused friction between her and Lori. I hope you two can work it out.

11 hours ago, scba said:

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/blog/2017/6/04/sad-but-true

I suggest this article I read today. Change names, pronouns and your relationship with the deceased. I think it powerfully describes grief.

Ps. I haven't watched Jackie yet. I think I will

 

Amazing article. Thank you for posting it. 

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Eleanor Roosevelt said “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”  I once had this pasted to my PC that I worked on because I would get so scared of learning new programs.  It helped me back in those younger days.  I know this quote so well, it has meant so much to me in the past, but somehow now, quotes do not reach through my grief impaired brain.  I wish they could.  

Marg,

I see exactly what you are saying and it reminds me of a thought I have had over the last few weeks. We hare surviving(as best we can) the most difficult thing we will likely ever go through. We are each at different points along this horrible journey and we are surviving it. We are doing it with each others advice, love, and assistance. It gives me a small sliver of hope that if I can navigate this swamp then I can do anything. Thanks for posting that.

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I visited my Dad today and brought dinner to share Spaghetti (two types). I found out that some of his kidney function is off and he will be seeing a nephrologist (kidney doctor) next week.It is setting off triggers of the first time I took Rose Anne to the nephrologist. My Dad is getting more confused and weaker.

Also, my Dad's cataract surgery for his right eye is tomorrow morning.  My sister is taking him and will be with him all day.  I have a full work schedule the rest of the week. - Shalom   

So sorry for this George. I pray that everything will be ok with your dad.

I had a trigger like this yesterday. I was visiting one of Lori and my friends in the hospital. He has multiple blood clots in his arm and is having a catheter procedure this morning to remove them. As we were visiting I heard the intercom scream out the words nobody wants to hear, "Code Blue in the Cath Lab. Code Blue in the Cath Lab". For those that don't know, Code Blue means that someone is crashing/coding and all available staff need to rush to the location. It brought back the memories I had with Lori in the Cath Lab(all the hope that she is in there they are placing stents and she can make it). Only to be crushed when they called a Code Blue to her room. My heart instantly sank yesterday when they called the Code Blue for someone I've never met but know that a family was most likely just beginning this painful journey.

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

That is my question. I was living in Susan’s amazing love, and now I’m a lonely single guy. Everything changed in a few minutes with no warning. What is the way forward after that horror? All I can see with healing is less bad, not good. 

For those that are familiar with the Love Languages, mine is "Acts Of Service". One of the main ways I expressed my love to Lori was by doing things for her. I wanted to make her life easier so I would do her chores(we split household work 50/50), fix things around the house, do yard work, make her dinner, grocery shop. I find myself with nobody to pamper, nobody to help, nobody to SHOW how much I love them. 

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Only 10 ?  I think your low balling it. :-)

You hit the nail on the head Gwen.

My go to phrase for people who ask how I am doing(I give them the easy out and ask them "Do you REALLY want to know?") is, imagine the lowest you have ever felt emotionally in your life. Multiply that by a million and it still doesn't begin approach how I feel right now. 

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

I agree.  I also think maybe being older is a weird blessing.  It doesn't seem like I can live into my 90s with this pain...Cookie

That is part of what scares me. I am only 45 and I fear a long life without Lori. It's hard to bare. It's strange, before this happened I always used to fear sickness and death because I didn't want to leave Lori behind. I didn't want her to suffer this pain we all know. Now I don't fear death. I know that in the blink of an eye I will be with her again and that removes the fear from me. It's a surreal 180 for me.

56 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

I often tell people here to be gentle with themselves. After all, this life of grief, alone, is so very hard and painful. We can't spend our time beating ourselves up for the wouldas and couldas that play on our mind. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves when we lack motivation or feel like we're not really living a full life. Truly, there are days that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. 

That's the "good cop" point of view.

There are other times I've started to play the "bad cop". My inner voice filled with tough love. It's the voice that says I need to get off my ass and push. The voice that tells me that laying around feeling sorry for myself isn't very productive.

In recent times, I've done quite a bit of pushing. Whether it's landscaping around the house or painting the deck or building a shed, I'm trying. Sure the sense of accomplishment in my work is fleeting, but it is giving me some small sense of purpose. 

Is it anything close to the life I had with Tammy? Of course not. Her love made my life better in every way. She was the best part of my life and the best part of me. Tammy's no longer here physically but I know she would be proud of me and that in itself is motivating and comforting.

Mitch

There can be benefit from both cops. Sometimes we do need to take it easy on ourselves as we are going through one of the toughest trials life has to offer. We have the need to rest, relax, and restore.  Other times we do need that kick in the tail to motivate us to do the tasks in life that need to be done. The hard part is finding the balance between the two that leads us to a more fulfilled existence. I know that is where my struggle lies. I feel that same sense of accomplishment, however brief, when I handle the chores of the day. I also need to just do nothing periodically. I need those times to reminisce, reflect, cry as that is therapy for me. I'll keep looking for that balance. 

45 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I think the book was "Life After Heaven" by Steven Musick.  Did not make be doubt Heaven, but I just could not talk to Billy after that, not and think that  he heard me.  I know that sounds weird.  Still, my mustard seed faith is the same, just don't feel he wants to hear from me.   And, I do know how creepy that sounds.  

It doesn't sound creepy at all. My thoughts are that I wish Lori could hear me and I suppose I don't really know if she does or not. I really feel that Lori is busy in Heaven worshipping God and praising Him for his love and mercy. If God sees fit to allow her to hear my words then all the better but I suspect she knows we will see each other again and is happy with her eternity. I still talk to her anyway as it is good therapy for me. 

Happy Birthday George. I hope you find that joy you're looking for. I really do.

9 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Dear Marie,

I think you are right -- the depth of our love, everyone here, brings us to the depths of despair -- it was 15 months yesterday for me -- and it seems to me, it may be just my impression right now, that we carry this cloak - albeit most often invisible - of being a widow, wherever we go, whomever we are or will be... it reminds me of those license plates "combat veteran" that you see when driving around.  When I see that -- I ponder the depths of what they have experienced, and I respect them for their courage amidst great suffering.  And just like them, we carry on somehow. Even when we think we can't anymore.

Take care, Marie,

Patty

 

I suspect we will always carry this cloak with us forever. It's just not as visible to others as the license plate you described. Sometimes I want to shout out loud "Don't you know the pain I feel". I know however that I can find solace on this forum as we all see each others cloaks and know the depth of the meaning behind them. For that I am grateful. 

18 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm close to a sister-in-law and her terminally ill husband, who rented a nearby place to be there with us. I share with them a lot. 

Your insight into the grieving process will help you to be a light in her life when she needs it so desperately. I pray that you will find the strength to be the support she will need when her husband's time comes. I'll be pulling for you both.

11 minutes ago, kayc said:

He knows you love him.  All the same, you can tell him now.  I talk to my husband, all the time.  (Try not to let that scare you, I don't think I'm certifiable, I think a lot of us still talk to them.   )  There's some things we know, some things we don't...when they pass they change form, they no longer inhabit their physical bodies.  I believe my husband still lives, in whatever form life takes once it leaves here as we know it.  The particulars we may not know, we decide for ourselves what we believe or don't believe.  I choose to believe he can hear me...who can prove he does not?!

I struggle with this a lot. I know that Lori had a relationship with the Lord and that through our previous talks that she is now in Paradise with Him. My struggle with talking to her now(which I do every day) is that she is now too pre-occupied with performing the tasks she was created for and spending her eternity praising God for his mercy. I like to think that every now and then He lets Lori hear my conversations with her but there is much I don't know. I'll keep talking to her though as it's good therapy for me. 

18 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm sorry to hear of so much sadness and suffering.  I feel bad for myself but I do feel fortunate that my sorrows are less complicated than those of you here.  Prayers and hugs to all.  ?

One thing I have found is that the grief journeys of those on this forum, although different, are not better or worse than anyone elses. We are all in the midst of a mighty struggle. Certainly there are secondary circumstances that can make things difficult(financial difficulties, illness, second guessing, no friends or family being close, etc...) but I hope you don't negate the magnitude of your struggle just because of someone else and their situation. I know of the pain that my cousin has endured for the past 2 1/2 years after her husband took his life so I feel for you and the road you walk.

13 minutes ago, kayc said:

Eagle...I know the feelings all too well.  George's doctor let him down also.  He should have been sent to a Cardiologist with his complaints and family history, but he wasn't taken seriously by his doctor and he did nothing to check him out.  Maybe he'd be here today IF...  But he isn't.  I beat myself up, "I should have pushed harder", "I should have taken the bull my the horns instead of letting George be responsible for his own health."  I made suggestions, but evidently, he needed a PUSH in the right direction.  I never wanted to nag or tell him what to do, I'd make a suggestion, if he didn't act on it, I figured he was a grown person.  But after he died, I wondered, "WHAT IF"..  You know the scenario.  I finally had to let that go, I did the best I could with the knowledge given at the time.  It was his doctor that really let him down.  He told his doctor of his complaints and symptoms and he literally did nothing.  Because of that, I lost George the same week he turned 51.  I made an appt. with same doctor and told him to promise me he would never again let someone die for lack of referral.  We had good insurance, there is no excuse.  But any guilt lies with the doctor, not me.  We just want so bad to turn back the clock and have a different outcome.

It's both sad and comforting to know that there are others in the same boat. I'm trying to let go of the guilt as I know in some far away corner of my brain that it was not my fault. It's just my dadgum heart that Lori held so tightly in her hands that won't allow my logic to win the day. It took a lot of courage for you to confront the doctor. Kudos to you. I have chosen to file a complaint with the medical board and to file suit. My goal is for there to be policy and protocol changes at the ER and for the doctor to never again have the opportunity to place someone else in the position he placed Lori and I. I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I did nothing and the same thing happened to someone else. In my heart I feel that if ONE life can be saved through Lori's death then my pain and despair will all have been worth it. 

49 minutes ago, kayc said:

These feelings are common in grief, we second guess ourselves or feel guilty when we have nothing to feel guilty about.  My take is that it's our subconscious way of trying to come up with a different ending.  We loved them with all our hearts and would have done anything for them, but we didn't have the benefit of hindsight or the medical expertise their doctors had.  We did our best and we may realize that with our brain but it's hard to get that realization down into our hearts. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

Note: There are links to related articles at the bottom of these articles.

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate you posting those articles. My guilt comes from the what ifs and the shoulda' dones. We took Lori to a stand-alone ER(one that is not attached to a hospital) on the Tuesday before she died. She was diagnosed with a pulled muscle in her chest from the bronchitis she had two weeks prior. We trusted them and went home. The Friday before she died she had more chest pains so we went back to the same ER at 11:30 PM. We even said, "should we go to the hospital ER" in the car on the way there. We decided to go back to the same place. It was literally a fork in the road scenario(what if I had turned left instead of right). She was diagnosed by the same doctor with acid reflux and we were sent home at 12:30 AM Saturday morning. She collapsed in the bathroom at our home at 3:30 AM on Saturday and the rest is history. I will always wonder if the CPR was good enough. To rub salt in the wound, we later learned after seeing the medical records from the stand-alone ER(EKG and blood tests) that she was actually having a heart attack when they first received her at 11:30. So in essence, my wife suffered for 4 hours in the throes of a heart attack due to the negligence of one ER doctor. The records ave been reviewed by multiple experts ranging from PA, to cardiologist, to ER doctor and they have all concluded that the doctor on Friday missed the easiest tests to read that indicated Lori was having a heart attack. Everyone has indicated that she should have been immediately taken to the cath lab at 11:30 on 03/31. Lori would be here now if he had done his job. So you see, my guilt is a difficult one in that I could have simply taken a left turn and Lori would be here right now. Just one left turn. Just one demand for a 2nd opinion. Just one demand for more tests. Just one simple phone call to her sister(in the medical field) for advice. It just hurts that I didn't protect Lori when she needed me most.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Mitch, I know you mean well, but if I hear life is a gift once more, I'll implode.  My health is so compromised and I am alone.  This does not feel like a gift.  Of course Steve would want me to thrive, but it's not working out that way.  My goal before was finding a level of contentment in this new life without him.  Not battling day after day to not leave it behind because nothing has any meaning for me.

i had good days amid the bad last year and they kept me going.  That is not the case now.   Hope is a word I know, not a feeling I have anymore.  I'd love to feel it, but I don't and that can't be forced.

my apologies to everyone for this run of negative posts, but I am so worn down, sleep deprived as well as battling panic attacks all day.   If it were just grief (and I don't mean that lightly as I know the hell that is) it would help.  I'm caught in 2 battles that conflict.  Physical and mental and I have to do the necesssary things for my dogs and things like eating myself.  just some small pleasure would be nice like eating.

I am sorry that you are at such a low point. Sometimes it seems that all is lost. Know that I hear you voice.  I won't pretend to say that I know your pain because our walks are all different. I'll just say that I hope that you can find peace amongst the sadness you are enduring so heavily.

52 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Eagle, I do the same. I was all about protecting Susan, so why didn't I respond to running water sooner? Why didn't I stay with her when she said she felt nauseous? When doing CPR did I push hard enough?

And no amount of internal logic or people telling me I did my best will make me think any differently or make me stop second guessing myself. At least not yet anyway. I hope I get there someday but right now I just feel like I failed at the ONE job I always felt I was good at and was needed for so much at that moment in time. Protecting Lori.

5 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I saw this on Yahoo this morning.  I certainly think it is one way to look at the death of a spouse, but I am not sure it is any my opinions.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/teacher-just-called-apos-m-204905793.html

I struggle with this a lot. Whenever something comes up that Lori did(and I now have to do) it brings back the painful reality that she is gone. There were certain things I was good at and certain ones Lori excelled at and I dread performing those tasks sometimes no matter how simple they are. I guess it's a reminder of the emptiness I feel without her. Whenever we had to return something to the store or make a complaint about poor quality or service, Lori was really great at that as I don't like confrontation. When I think of that it still brings pain but I can also have a good laugh when thinking about how funny it was to see her no nonsense approach to the demand for good customer service. The looks of astonishment on the faces of the people we dealt with that gave her guff make me smile. She was my bulldog. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on the good aspect of those tasks. It's hard but it's something I'm working on. Thanks for posting that Marg.

12 hours ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I thought of some of you when I read this just now: What Makes Sudden Death So Different?

Than you for posting this Marty. It was helpful.  I don't have the regret of not saying goodbye to Lori as we both knew how we felt about each other and told each other every day. My regret comes from second guessing myself and what I did to help Lori that night(Did I do a good enough job of CPR, did I take her to the right ER before the heart attack, should I have demanded more tests, Should I have gotten a 2nd opinion). I suppose I'll second guess myself forever even though the logical part of me knows I did everything I could based on what the doctors diagnosed. Like the author, I have the images of Lori dying in front of my eyes and being helpless to stop it. It haunts me.