nowwhat

Well the 10th is a holiday for me so I am faced with yet one more day to be alone and lonely. There is only so much T. V. you can watch and there is only so long that your body will let you sleep. I look at his picture and I know that he is no longer in pain, but my pain is very real and it hurts so much. The holidays are approaching and I do not feel in the holiday mood. My kids expect me to pick it up and cook the usual big dinner so they can bring the kids and eat. I am not sure I am up to a house full of kids and family. In fact I would just like to crawl into a hole and hide. Is that normal? I do not know what is normal any more. Some days I think I am going to get through without crying and then it hits me, after I call out as I enter the door I'm home Stephen, that he is not there and will never be again. There are times I am mad that he left me behind to deal with the mess and to try to go on. So how do I get through this long weekend. Do I hug the dog? Do I spend extra time with the horses? When I do I just remember the long carriage rides we took and how in his last days the dog barely left his side or that the dog was the one to let me know he was drawing his last breath, so I could hold him tight as he died. I know that God is carrying me and there are times I wish he would just let me fall. I know that each of you are going through you own personal hell and I am thankful that I found this form and all of you. Jane

I too know how you feel. Due to the large medical bills we lost our home and had to move back to where I grew up. We put our house up for sale but finally the lender forclosed. We moved everything we had indlucing the horses 600 miles. I am not sure the move was worth it because I had to take a job that paid alot less then I was making and even though I have family here most of them are so wrapped up in there own lives they do not even know that I exist. Oh they did come to the funeral when Stephen died, but I have not heard from them in over three weeks. It is almost like death will rub off on them. I am really dreading the holidays as I am not sure where I will go or what I will do. I understand what you are going through and will keep you in my prayers, but there are times that I wonder if he is listening. nowwhat

Laurie, Thank you for being there. My name is Jane and my husband was Stephen. Have a good night Jane

Laurie, I too talk to my husband. I hug his photo and tell him I love him. After reading all of wonderful replies I cried and am crying as I reply now. I thing this is the first time I have let myself cry. I have had to take care of a lot of financial matter and at times it seemed over whelming. Due to his long illness we lost our home in WI and had to move back close to my home and my family. His family cut off all ties when they found out he was sick. My mother helped me care for him during the last month. It was so quick. After we stopped Chemo it was only three weeks when the doctor said he would have a few months. Thank you for the first time I feel I can share with those that understand. STOO Thank you for your kind words also. Thank you I feel better knowing that there are those out there that will listen. I feel that by sharing and having you all share with me I will gain understanding and some peace.

Thank you Kelly for you words. I did not know where to turn and I am glad I have found this place. I work with all of the counselors in the area and did not feel comfortable going to them. It would ruin our professional relationhip. I have been so lucky my boss let me take my husband to conferences so I could care for him. Last Wed and Thursday I went to my first conference without him. It was terrible!! The first half of the conference went well but my co workers were being childish and I just left. I came home where it was safe. I just no longer have any patience for their childish games. I have a dog who is my main company, but he can not understand where his dad has gone. He almost had an anxiety attack when I left him with the sitter for the conference. I talk to a picture of my husband I at times I think I will go crazy. Thank you for your kind words and for just listening.

My husband died of Cancer on October 10th. Now what do I do. I don't sleep. I miss him so much. I do have to go to work and I suppose that is good but when I come home no one is there. He was in so much pain I know that it is better he is gone but how do I go on. There is no one to talk to, no one to sit by. Sorry is I am just going on and on, but it hurts and those around me do not understand why I just can not get on with it. I am a professional and I know all about depression but it is different when it is you. There are times I just need someone to talk with to share my thoughts. Can any one give me a hint of what I am to do now.