Well the 10th is a holiday for me so I am faced with yet one more day to be alone and lonely. There is only so much T. V. you can watch and there is only so long that your body will let you sleep. I look at his picture and I know that he is no longer in pain, but my pain is very real and it hurts so much. The holidays are approaching and I do not feel in the holiday mood. My kids expect me to pick it up and cook the usual big dinner so they can bring the kids and eat. I am not sure I am up to a house full of kids and family. In fact I would just like to crawl into a hole and hide. Is that normal? I do not know what is normal any more. Some days I think I am going to get through without crying and then it hits me, after I call out as I enter the door I'm home Stephen, that he is not there and will never be again. There are times I am mad that he left me behind to deal with the mess and to try to go on. So how do I get through this long weekend. Do I hug the dog? Do I spend extra time with the horses? When I do I just remember the long carriage rides we took and how in his last days the dog barely left his side or that the dog was the one to let me know he was drawing his last breath, so I could hold him tight as he died. I know that God is carrying me and there are times I wish he would just let me fall. I know that each of you are going through you own personal hell and I am thankful that I found this form and all of you. Jane