Janka

This thread of mine that I started 2 years ago brings all of those memories back... It´s after my beloved Jan´s birthday and mine too...It was so hard,and yet very happy,because I spent it on the boat with one best friend of mine and my beloved one was watching from above...The day was warm and sunny and knowing that he´s in heaven now put a smile on my face once again...There´s no other place for someone like him at all,because he was the best,most beautiful and only true love that I´ve ever known in my whole life... Happy heavenly birthday again,my love! May God bless you for eternity... Forever your Janka

Thank you,dear Ana! I´m feeling a little better today...I´ve made up my mind to do some decisions about me moving forward to something better than I am at now,as for my job too...There´s always some hope for a better tomorrow... Thank you for your nice respond!I hope that you´re gonna get better as well... I was in a travel agency as I´d like to travel abroad in a few months,so there´s something to look forward to again... Hugs from Janka

I hear you,dear Ana...Everyone is different and if you feel this way,it´s all right...I feel the same way about my beloved Jan too...It´s been 6 years,6 months,2 weeks and 6 days and I haven´t kissed another man by now...I´ve got my friends only...I don´t know what will bring the future into my life,but this is how I feel too...I understand the other ones too,because being alone is very difficult...We all know... With love Janka

Dear Bill and Marita! Thank you both for such kind reply to my post!It may caress my sore heart and sad soul at the moment. You even don´t know how much it means to me now. Wish you all the best,as much as it gets! I mean it from the bottom of my heart... .. With love Janka

In the 16th of May was the birthday of my beloved man Jan...Yesterday was my birthday too...I haven´t written any longer as I didn´t know what to say after all I´ve been going through and writing on here for so many years...Now I feel there is something left what I´d love to say again... Happy heavenly birthday,my beloved Jan! Thank you for every minute of the greatest love,happiness and understanding having you by my side! I could have never thought to meet the best soulmate until I met you in my life... I cry the tears of sadness for not being with you anymore,but I do know that you´re watching over me from above until we´ll reunited some day in heaven again...Today is one of those days when I can´t stop crying all along,so lonely I am without you and I do realize once more what the luckiest person I was until the last moment with you... Rest in peace,my love!God loves us and stay with us for eternity... With eternal love Janka

Fountain of Saint George in Bratislava... My dear Darrel! Send you the pic I´ve made for you... With love Janka

My dear Darrel! I´ve found this video from 1998 that belongs to my favourite ones and still touches my romantic soul,so I post this beautiful music here to make you happy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zu08rtb84I With love Janka

Dearest Darrel! When you're befriending someone almost whole life,you think it´s thoughtful,until you recognize it´s not about longevity at all.One day you´ll come to the point when you must let it out.One of my good friends who I have been friends with so long is one of those cases.I talked with a priest about him and he told me that we don´t have to keep close to us some of those ones if we feel it doesn´t good to us.He was so right.Since I stopped meeting him,I´m in peace again.Making some progress in life,especially of ourselves,the grieving people,includes also a few difficult decisions that we need to make.That´s what I´ve done lately;I weeded out the right from the wrong that works for me now by all means.Not having such strong belief in God that I have nowadays,I would not have done anything like that,so it feels good at last.There´re things "pre and post" in my life;I better see a difference between quantity and quality at the point I am in now... I spent a nice evening with one of my best friends today that I didn´t see any longer;all the more I realized how much she means to me and I was enjoying her company again.Life may surprise sometimes.Some people are like the leaves on the trees,the time will change them at last;another ones are like the roots in the ground,they´re stable like the lighthouse facing the storms forever... My precious friend,you´re a treasure I met on here and I´m so thankful that you came into my life.You´ve brought me much needed smile and happiness this way.May God bless you and all of good people in it!Your post is something I look forward to every single day,so take care of yourself and just know there´s someone on here who holds you in the heart and wish you all the best only... PS:I hope this may put a smile on your face too... With love Janka

Sortilegio de amor-Il Divo 2009 -Tema de la telenovela.mp3 Dear Darrel, this beautiful song is for you and your beloved Cookie. From the heart, Janka

My precious friend, what a joy to read your words again!There´re so many things running through my head and a few of them I´ll talk about between us later on.For the time being,writing on here,I must point out that your friendship means very much to me and speaking to you day by day makes me feel any better... As for those numbers of 1,I myself,thanks to my faith,has been come to the state of being when I don´t notice every 11th day of every month as I did at the beginning that shows any progress anyway.I even didn´t notice it´s gonna be the 11th day tonight again.If we´d have been going on like that all the time,we could lose a common sense then,so we must get our mind off from time to time.Our belief in God helps us both to realize all of that.Grief-laden brain must dust off those thoughts,not that we do want it,just because it may take it's toll on the health at last.I don´t wanna make my health issues worse,by no means.We wouldn´t be useful insane at all,neither you nor me.Isn´t it? I do understand that you sometimes go through days without thinking of what hurts so much,because this is what does the pain to us and we must try to focus on things moving us forward.No matter what,one way or another we always bring the love for our most beloved ones at the bottom of our hearts everywhere we go and that´s what does matter,always and forever... Oh well,within an hour it´s gonna be 6 years and 5 months for me...so hard to believe...sometimes I wonder how I could have survived everything...I must confess that I was crying tonight,but after awhile I stopped,because I must look ahead and do know where my path leads me nowadays....having such strong belief in God helps a lot......therefore it becomes less raw each day...our loves would not have wanted us hopeless at all... I like the way you think and that´s what makes you so special to me.We´re very sensitive,and yet so strong after all we´ve been going through by now.I know how raw those first years can be and I´m here for you,no matter what...So glad to hear that you´re getting much better... wish you the best only,my dear friend...always...By the way,the tomato soup is my most favourite one... This is one of my poems writing for my beloved Jan...this one and many others you can find also on website above... Send you many sincere hugs,my dear friend... Fondly, Janka

My dear Darrel, I can see in her eyes how happy she was then.Oh,how I miss those 80´s!My aunt,who had emigrated to Germany,was sending me a clothes like that.I notice,it´s all coming back now,because the fashion of those years was so unique by all means.I remember how I got my 1st shirt with Mickey mouse,or umbrella with Donald duck,and yet many other things that we could have got at that time in Tuzex only.It was in 1989 when I started my study at the Conservatory.It all puts a smile on my face now.It´s nice to talk about things that pour a joy into my life. Today,being on the Mass,I prayed for my beloved Jan and your beloved Cookie as well.I pray for everyone,including people in this forum,hoping they may find a way in their grief too.May God bless all of us! All those visits of my beloved Jan have been full of tears and happiness that I could spend for a few minutes,sometimes about an hour,close to him,feeling as one again.However it happens less as time passes by.I think that´s why I stopped going on his grave lately.He is not here or there anymore and I don´t want him to be stuck between these two worlds at all.His home is heaven now,so I try my best to get there too.Although I feel him less frequently nowadays,I know it has to be this way. Despite of that,our loved ones love us too so much and every chance they get,they try to remind us. I agree that age is just a number.Me and my beloved Jan spent together 5 years only,but those 5 years meant to me much more than 50 years to someone else.I still have messages from him saved in my phones and reading them still hurts,however makes him alive while reading them.He was writing me that he loved me in every message I´ve got by now...When I need him to tell me good night,I just open his message and it feels the same...So much love I was getting all the time... That's something neither person,time nor space can take away from us... We both have no family around,so I do understand how hard it must be for you now...If I´d live in your country,would be going to see you as often as possible to make your days more bearable and happier as well...I do it this way at least,the best I´m able to,and I always will... Send you pictures of the place I planned to visit with my beloved Jan on the summer 2012.We had already chosen a house of dreams and were about reservation in there.It´s situated in Positano (Nocelle),near Napoli,with amazing sea view and Capri that I already mentioned in my post and video that you watched on here before... This is the house...the house we should have lived in for a week...just me and him... My eyes filled with tears seeing all of this again...so beautiful it is...the place I´ve dreamt up... Thank you,my Lord,for all the blessings in my life!And thank you,dear friend,for having you in this life now! With love Janka

Dearest Darrel! I know what you talk about when you mention that you were walking at the beginning of your path with no support at all.I also had to be very strong;I had no forums,meds,supporting groups or anything of the kind as well.I was even going through all of the raw suffering all alone within 3 years;no family to go through with,no conselours to talk to,with that said nothing like that.All I´ve got by now is the God and the best friends of mine around.I was trying to keep myself busy all the time;I even went to work the next day after the call of my beloved Jan´s brother.I remember everything;it was on Sunday,at 1:21 p.m.,when it happened.I´ll never forget it.So,on Monday I went to work,to do survive,to do not lose a common sense,to do not think of the deepest wound I had at the bottom of my heart.Talking about it still hurts and always will,but I had to learn living with all of that.Those 3 years seemed to me the hardest because of the continuous pain throbbing inside.When I think about it,seems to me like yesterday,and yet I´d never want to experience such horrible torture once again.After those first 3 years happened to me something between these two worlds that I still can´t talk about,except the two best friends of mine.It made my belief in God so strong that I changed everything at all;all the more that my pain changed for the loneliness that seemed to be the worse than the pain I had been feeling earlier.I never thought there can be something worse,worst ever,the loneliness.Since then I was going through so many drastic circumstances in my life that my suffering reached the bottom after.It has been before now.Since the last year I renewed my life,my belief,my everything.I´ve found my way that I was looking for so long and this state of being I´m having nowadays,every day and night,it´s my world now.I´ve never had such belief in God as I have now,the things are getting right and I do the best I can to be with my beloved Jan again.I take it for the best way,because after my suffering reached the bottom,I experience the top of blessing now.We two,my dear,are sitting in the boat,navigating to the right way.I´m happy that we both have found a way for getting through and since I´m a new person anyway.I appreciate your friendship which does mean a lot to me.I copy and paste another of those signs I´ve got from my beloved Jan by now.It was written in the 18th of March 2015,on the thread of mine too: "There are many signs my beloved Jan has been sending me so far,but the day before yesterday something happened again.I went to the church that me and my beloved Jan were going in.After the mass just ending up I went to see the relic of Saint Reparatus from the 4th century I had been visiting with my beloved Jan,hand in hand speaking to him as a patron of the love of us two listening to our prayers.I must remark that we had always been heard.I strengthened with those memories never stopped going there to talk to him about my beloved Jan,always begging for him,for both of us,again and again.The day before yesterday I did it too,coming to him with my prayers.I said: "If you only could do a miracle for me,please!" Then I went home,lit up a candle and took a seat to my laptop.After 10 o´clock p.m. I suddenly felt a well known feeling of the loved one´s presence.I felt those goosebumps all over my body,couldn´t move and it was like the warmest embrace of my beloved Jan every time he came to me.It always feels the same and the tears are falling down by themselves,but I wasn´t sure because of my father´s birthday he had today. Then I looked at my display and at that moment have disappeared all of the messages until the year 2011,remaining just all of those sending in the year 2011 while was my beloved Jan alive.He let me know this way that it was him.Later were all of missing messages right back where they were before. I looked at my clock and it was at 10:30 p.m. I´m sure it was the miracle I was begging for,there in the church. It touched me as deep inside as I couldn´t stop crying,even now the tears are falling from my eyes,but they are not those tears of sorrow,they are these tears of joy..." My beloved Jan died 11.11.´11 at 1 o´clock.Seven digits explain it all.I´ve never met anybody who would have met the numbers like that.My most beloved one died in sleep,so he had no pain then,that clearly shows me how blessed he was... I like our long post...There´s so much to talk about...With you I can write all of this and I do know that you´ll understand me,no matter what... Sending you another one pic of my little rat... So cute he is... May God bless you,my precious friend! Hope that you´ll have a nice sleep like this... With love Janka

Dear Darrel, you´re in the same age as my beloved Jan would be this year being alive.As I already mentioned before,he was 26 y. older than me,but I never felt the age difference that way,because we both had our own world full of magical dreams.Most of them,those important ones,we made come true.He loved my snuggle buddies,from the smallest till those biggest ones as well,because they were mine and he always tried to be a part of my whole world.All of them became my family that I miss in my life,because I live all alone since he´s gone,so I´ve been talking to them and taking care by now.One of them,my lovely rat that you can see with me on my profile picture,our darling,he is my everything now that I can´t live without and still bring him everywhere I go.I have so many things on my mind I´d like to talk about with you,but I´m gonna do it,little by little,as time passes by.By the way,I love the word "puppy" that those of you living overseas use to say.It sounds to me lovely.That´s what does mean to me my cute rat as well.So the "puppies" are those who make a company to you and me nowadays.I´m so glad that you´re continuing to feel better.What a great news!We met under this grief tree and look how much joy and happiness we´ve got from each other´s company since then!And on top of that I must mention our belief in God that we draw upon the strength of.We try the best we can to go according to our strong values we´ve got and get through life having the hope for meeting our most beloved ones again.I feel a profound gratitude for this state of being we both reached out and for meeting you this way.We´re living far away from each other,and yet keystroke away only.That makes me feel happier than I used to be before,because our Lord let you come into my life and it makes my beloved Jan happy.Having such dear friend as a part of my present life is really the Godsend.What you write about those things happened to you I take for a sign,no doubt,and so I copy and paste the very first post I made on this site on the thread of mine "The loss of my beloved man" that I started in the 15th of March 2015: "I´m a new member on here and I´ll be happy to share with others feeling tremendous pain and grief.It´s been not long ago and it still hurts.It was the last time I saw my beloved man early in the morning,smiling,kissing and talking to one another unforgettable words full of undying love.3 days later the phone rang.It was his brother telling me:"Jan is dead."My heart broke into small pieces,even now the tears are falling from my eyes.At that moment I was speaking to my beloved Jan,telling him everything from the bottom of my heart,desperately crying and hoping he does hear me,and he did.After hour rang a message from my mobile,so I entered the room we were sleeping 3 days ago to see and the sender was my beloved Jan,but message was empty.I think he was there while I was crying in the kitchen and let me know this way,so I entered the bedroom and at that moment I got the most beautiful evidence of his immortal love,because on the sheet of my bed was engraved a big heart.I´m sure he´s been by my side all the time,helping me hold on my way to home he´s waiting for me to come.I had to make a picture to believe it wasn´t just a dream.I found a place where I can say a few words for my beloved deceased,so I created my Memorial book dedicated to my beloved Jan.I can recommend everyone who is suffering and wants to do something for his beloved deceased person he´s thinking of.Thanks a lot for reading these words and everyone who has an understanding heart.I need to get to know those people which experienced a loss of beloved man or woman.I send to all of you the warm greetings from Slovakia." So this is one of many posts of mine where it all started. We´re blessed,my dear friend and I write all of this with tears in my eyes now again. I only know that I´d sacrifice my life for our Lord to be with my beloved Jan for eternity. May God bless you,dear friend! With love Janka

Dear Darrel,my precious friend! I feel the same way as you do.There´re many blessings we get from God each day,we just have to notice them and do not take it for granted to live our lives as though it was for the last time.I try to live like that nowadays,the best I´m able to,more and more,day after day.I think this is the state of being I´ve been looking for so long.I´m the kind of person who feels much,thinks much,so at the end of the day I´m full of that all and I want to give all of me to God to be worthy of being in heaven,together with my beloved Jan that I pray for all the time.I´m very strong after all I´ve been going through by now,but I´m very sensitive as well.Tonight I was singing Taize songs,the sacral music in the church and then I tried to calm down and just sit there in peace.I had been studying the music long ago,singing and playing the piano since I was 7 y.o.After my beloved Jan died,I stopped doing it absolutely.I can hardly touch the piano he bought me at Christmas 2010.I´ve been trying till now,but it makes me cry.At the beginning I could not have even touched it,so much it hurt,so I´ve made some progress,I think.Writing about it still puts the tears in my eyes,because he always took a seat beside me and was listening to me for hours... My beloved Jan,my love,my everything... My good friend,we had been loved by our beloved ones so much that I never stop thanking to God for the greatest love we both have known in this life...I´ll always be here for you,whenever you need me to talk to,because you´re a dear friend of mine who gives me much needed understanding,support and warmth through the God we both believe in and I also take if for a gift from above... Your idea of heaven put a smile on my face.Do you know that I´ve also been thinking about how it could be in there until we meet our loves again?I´ve read many books since my beloved Jan died.I had no forum at that time,so I was reading books dealing with a topic like that.Some of those people who experienced NDE (near death experience) said they saw something reminding them heaven.It were the good ones;the bad ones saw a dark side of the life after death,so I do the best I can to be worthy of the heaven only.I´ve experienced some things between these two worlds,including ADC (after death communication) too,with many signs from my beloved Jan that I´ve been describing on this site as well.I still take them for little miracles anyway,so I do believe in God as much as possible nowadays.The good ones,who talked about nice and pleasant things,so hard to express with words only,said they saw very similar things which we have here on earth,rivers,trees,buildings,not physical though,but more shining colours of flowers that we´ve never seen in this life and such beauty of the place,full of immense peace and unconditional love,impossible to describe by words at all.Well,I believe it´s real that our loved ones meet together,smile,laugh and talk to each other without human words about the greatest love they feel for us.One person who experienced the things like that,talked about God as a merciful and merry being anyway.The person thought it was God.I think that everything is possible there,so our loves are happy,having no concept of time,patiently waiting for us to come. Knowing that my post is helping you,makes me happy and looking forward to your post again and again... Sorry that you still have such pain and wish you to get well soon! Thank you for being here for me,dear Darrel! May God bless you! With love Janka

Jan,my dearest treasure,the love of my life,my everything! I thank God for the greatest happiness in my life,yourself!You both bring into my life precious people I may share my life with.In my sorrow and loneliness they light up my days and fill them with joy.However it would be in vain without the faith I have now and such hope for being with you again,as one,in eternity. I thank God for taking care for you,loving you and being with you until we meet again!I can´t ask the more,I can only pray for the best for us,in arms of God,forever. I thank God for the love between us!One day you´ll come to take me away from here and we´ll never be apart anymore. I love you with all my heart...forever...and ever...for eternity! Rest in peace,my love! Forever yours, Janka Amor en custodia.mp3 PS:This beautiful song is for you...I used to let it play being with you...I´ll never forget it...

Good evening,dear Darrel! What a joy that has brought your post to me!Really,life still can be wonderful in many ways,by little miracles that happen to us.We still believe,with every breath we take,this is not the end.How could it be when God´s blessings reflect in precious people and valuable things we´ve got?I´m so happy that I´ve met another friend of mine in this life,at a long distance and yet so close,very dear to me that may bring a new wave of joy into my life and much needed smile on my face.Your beautiful heart touched mine and put the tears of happiness in my eyes.I´m thankful for this gift that makes my days more beautiful and thoughtful nowadays.God is great!Isn´t it? My beloved Jan and your beloved Cookie are watching from above and waiting for us.We met the love that many others only may be dreaming of.I feel such a relief that I can talk about him with you the way we do,through the God.It may heal our broken hearts,so sore that sometimes it´s so hard to breathe at all,however we do because of the best reason ever,our belief that will bring us to our loved ones in eternity. Send you many sincere greetings from Bratislava,the capital of Slovakia,situated directly on Austrian border,just an hour from Vienna. The Late Renaissance building,rebuilt in Baroque style after,situated on the left side,behind the tree,it only can be the Jesuit church I enter almost every day. With love Janka

Dear Darrel, you hit the nail on the head.My profile picture was taken by my beloved man Jan in the car before he died and the little rat in my hand was a darling of us two which used to be with me everywhere.It was the happiest time of my life on this earth and makes me feel good that you´ve noticed the way I smiled on there,because it shows how happy I was with him.He was the best man I´ve ever met in my whole life,no matter what may happen next or later.Your words have touched my heart and I´m so glad of talking with someone like you.It´s so rare to meet.We should celebrate the Easter every day of our lives to remember what a great things had made the Lord Jesus to all of us for being in eternal life together with him and our loved ones as well.I still pray every day and night for my beloved man,myself and all the rest of the world to be worthy of all the glory waiting for us in heaven.It´s beyond a comprehension,because all of those miracles,that we experience on this earth,are just a small pieces of what may wait for us when the right time comes.I´m happy that I´ve been able to get to this point of view I have in my faith now,after all of those years full of indescribable suffering and loneliness since he died.I have no close family anymore,except God,my best friends and more than 70 plush toys sitting on my bed.Most of them was bought by my beloved Jan,so I still feel the kisses of him when I hug them and kiss them too.Many times I wished to be much older than I am,because then I could be closer to him even more.It´s a long and so hard path I walk on,but there must be a reason to stay here any longer,many things to do,much love to give,a lot of people to help and so on.My beloved Jan was 26 y. older than me.It´s up to me now to end up this journey to the happiness waiting for me after.Your words about no concept of time are true.Heaven means past,presence and future together that makes a complete mosaic of eternal life,no start and no end.Everytime I felt sad,I spoke to myself:"What does mean this short time of misery compared to heaven that will last forever?"It´s worthy of all my tears.We both know it´s only a thorny path leading us to heaven and we must do the best we can to get there,to be worthy of that,to embrace our loved ones forever. Talking to you is like a fresh breeze in a hot weather,so I hope to talk with you again.May God bless you! PS:You spent your Easter in hospital,so I hope this may bring back a smile that you need. Happy delayed Easter! With love Janka

Dear Darrel, there can´t be the happier time than the Easter is,we both know,because we have a hope for the better place to be,together with our most beloved ones and others close to our hearts,without this misery we´ve been going through here in this world.There will be no more tears,gloom,sadness,sorrow or pain.What a joy for those of us who believe in God the way we do!As well as for us two,I wish the same for everyone else.May they all get to know the love that saved our souls for eternal life,the best we could only imagine for us and our greatest loves waiting for us in heaven to come!I know at the bottom of my heart that my beloved Jan will come to take me away from here,for being as one,in eternity.Then I´ll be the happiest ever,because I´ll celebrate our love in arms of God.What more could we want?I do know! So sorry for what you must have been going through lately,but I hope for the best to you! I do understand how you try to remember your wife the way you do.I´ve also made a website dedicated to my beloved man Jan,and yet many other things in loving memory of himself.He may never be forgotten!I used to go on his grave every month or even more often,for so many years,until I did realize that mourning,suffering and crying on there could have made him so sad and stuck between two worlds.I did realize that I must stay sane and happy as well as he had always wanted being alive.I don´t know anybody around who used to go to see a grave the way I used to do,almost always,despite of such a distance,because his grave isn´t in the city I live in.So I´ve stopped doing the things like that lately,because I know that he is in heaven and I must be happy because of him.I couldn´t wish any better place to be for him,for us,for the greatest love we always had,we still have and we´ll have forever. I don´t wanna do things that break my heart and pour such pain inside.I wanna remember him with love only in grace of God.That´s where I am at nowadays after the worst suffering I´ve been going through so far,and it´s been more than 6 years now.Those poems,photos,music and others may express the best way I feel for my beloved Jan forever.There is hidden my all that I cherish inside of me myself for eternity,because this love will never end. I hope to hear from you again and get well soon,dear friend! For you... From the heart... Hugs from Janka...

Hugs from Janka

The spring is here...

Dear Darrel, I haven´t heard from you any longer,so I hope it´s a good sign that you´re feeling better at the moment.I just wanna let you know that I think of you and hope that you come here again to speak of how you´re doing now.It´s been the Easter and I long for talking with you as you and I have the same paths we´re walking on.Please,just know,that you´re in my thoughts and prayers.The ressurection of the Lord Jesus Christ may fill our hearts with a joy to see our loved ones in heaven again. May God bless you! PS:I hope this bunch of snowdrops may bring a smile on your face. Hugs from Janka

May God bless you all in this greatest time of the year! With love Janka

Dear Tom! May God bless you on this day and fill you with the most beautiful memories of your beloved Susan. Hugs from Janka

Miss you on here,dear Bill... Hope that you´re doing better... With love Janka

Wish you all the blessed Easter from the heart! With love Janka