Janka

My dearest sweetheart,my only one,my beloved Jan! Today is the Green Thursday,the beginning of the greatest feasts of the year,when Lord Jesus sacrificed his own life to save ours for eternal life.That´s why you´re in heaven now waiting for me to come one day.I´m the happiest now,because I do realize how blessed we are,my love.There will be no pain,sorrow,loneliness and tears anymore,just you and me in arms of God for eternity.What more could we want for us?I do know.My suffering has changed for the happiness nowadays and I want to tell you that I love you above all and I thank God that this love will last forever. PS:This song is for you only... Entra en mi vida.mp3 With deepest love, your Janka

Dear Tom, I´m a Christian Catholic,but reading many books about this topic by Raymond A. Moody,who has been dealing with things like that,I must say that many people,who experienced NDE (near death experiences),said they saw a beautiful place which they took for heaven and did notice the same things as we have here (not physical,of course),however such similar shapes and more shining colours,including trees and rivers too,so it´s not out of question at all.Good to know... Hugs from Janka

Tom, when you enter your post,then you can modify or delete what you need.I do it many times and even without adding a reason when I want to change something inside. Hugs from Janka

Dear Ana, I´m so sorry...am already speechless at the moment...so hard it is sometimes...I do know... With love Janka

Dear Tom, after all of those years when the loneliness is unbearable already,I long for some company,but the more I meet people all around,all the more I realize how unreal it is,because no one will be like my beloved man Jan...I´ll never meet someone like him and I do know...Is it worthy to fill the crater inside of me with people who are not worthy of my try?Sometimes I think that anything is better than nothing at all,but later on I do realize again that´s not good at all.I´ll never find what I need,seems to me and the more I try to do not feel such loneliness,all the more I see how hard it is.It´s like talking to my mouth that it´s a delicacy what seems to eat,though it´s just an ordinary food to get.That´s how I feel about everyone near me comparing to my beloved Jan.He was the true treasure...the best I´ve ever had...the only happiness that may fill my heart to the fullest...I can´t stop crying tonight,so much I miss him...I even see no goal at the moment to look forward to...If I hadn´t such strong belief in God,I´d like to die instead...but I do have and it makes me stronger each time that I feel like this...however in this moment it is how it is and I wanted to get it out hoping it may bring any comfort into my suffering I´ve been going through...no matter how much time has passed by... Hugs from Janka

All of our loved ones need our prayers,if we want them to be in peace. With love Janka

In calendar is first spring day today and we have a snow again.I got some snowdrops lately and winter is back now.I watched the news lately and they showed a big heap of snow in Russia yet.It read:"The beast from the east grips Europe".I had to smile after.I miss the spring so much.The weather is still freezing and I long for a sun again.I look out of my window and the snow is everywhere. Hugs from Janka

It´s been 6 years for me now as well.I´ve never had any forum those first hardest 3 years,no support groups,no help of doctors or anything like that.I´ve got through this all alone working,being with my best friends as I have no family anymore and praying to God who is my only one reason to stay sane.I´ve never spoken to you before,but your post caught my attention and wish you all the best from the heart! Hugs from Janka

Dear Tom, another stress hit me again and it caused me such a headache that I can´t get rid of it by now.My mind is calm,because I have a strong belief and something to look forward to,but my body feels all of the load inside.It´s all graven in it,we just try to be in peace to make things better,every time,again and again,to find a strength for going on and on day by day.Each of us has its own way and for me it is God.I hope that you can find yours too to lessen the pain you feel inside as well as I do. PS:This cloud is gonna leave too,it just warns about those things we must get through. Hugs from Janka

Dear Marita! I´ve found this beautiful song...so beautiful to make my heart cry...cry for someone that I miss the most in my life...my beloved man Jan... With love Janka

Dear Cookie! That´s how I feel it too.It does make things complicated to be misunderstood by people around who never felt that way.Everything is good until comes a wave of new shock,stress or other disaster and there´s needed a big power to go through.Those are the moments among states of peace and joy when things seem to be ok and there is something to look forward to.Anyhow it has so far away from the happiness we used to have before.I´ve found to be helpful my faith in God.Since then I manage all of those states of being much better.Lately I experienced it once again and being in the church,listening to the words of Holy Scripture and praying to God was very helpful and made me understand many things at that moment,so I found myself to be calm after.I think it´d be much easier having a family or someone close to me day after day.Being alone always makes things worse from time to time and having friends only can´t replace the hole in my heart. Hugs from Janka

That´s how I feel.My father had died in front of me in the hospital when I was 22 y.o. only,but it hadn´t hurt me as much as it was with my beloved man later...Since my beloved Jan died,all of the happiness is gone and I try the best I can to survive with the deepest wounds at the bottom of my heart and with all I´ve got by now...the God and the best friends of mine... You´re in my prayers... Hugs from Janka

Dear Tom, it´s been 3 years today since I started this thread of mine dedicated to my beloved man Jan forever...3 long years...and I´m still here...and couldn´t leave...and will always come back...because it´s all for him only... No matter how much time has passed by...it always hurts...because this love will never end...it is forever... I´m sorry for your loss and hope that my post on this site may put a smile on your face... Hugs from Janka

Dear Bill and Cookie! I´ve found this post of us writing on the thread of mine...It´s gonna be 2 years since then...Would you believe that? Love you both! Hugs from Janka

For my dear friends to remember... With love Janka

Dear friends, I´ve found out this funny video that I posted 2 years ago.For those ones who haven´t seen it yet,I bring it once again to put a smile on your faces. With love Janka

Those pics from Croatia,I mentioned above,are on this thread of mine too.You can find them on the page 2. Hugs from Janka

Dear Tom! What a lovely picture!It reminds me my plush toys sitting on my bed.Most of them were bought by my beloved Jan.I´ve got more than 70 by now.They´re like my family when I´m alone in the flat.Most of them were touched and kissed by my beloved Jan as he knew how much I adore them.I still talk to them most of the time,especially to my cutest rat who is always with me wherever I go as well as he always used to be being with my beloved Jan too.He was our darling and still he is as he will always be.I´ve been thinking about what I´d love to have beside me when I´ll die one day;it should be 3 most important things related to my beloved Jan:the photo of him,my mobile with many messages from him inside and my little rat Pepko on my chest as well as you can see on my profile photo.That´s what I´d want to be in peace... As for our trips we made,we also used to travel every year.I even posted many pictures from Croatia on this site.I´m gonna find it to show you them.One of those places,we used to visit,was Crete too.We put up at the hotel situated in Agia Pelagia,directly on the rock with amazing sea view all around.Here are some of those pictures.It was like a dream with him...

Dear Marita! Thanks for your kind words!Well,I can´t believe,it´s already been so long since my beloved man died.The more time passes by,all the more I miss him and think of all the suffering I´ve been going through,wondering how I could survive that all.I also read your post as well as the others and am so sorry about your loss too!I´ve posted so much on here since I came on this site that sometimes I feel how I´m getting speechless and there are no more words to say.All is on this thread of mine "The loss of my beloved man" that I started a few years ago as well as the other threads describing what I´ve been going through so far,including the music and my poems that I still write for my beloved Jan anyway.I´ve put here a part of me myself and my deepest feelings for himself that may last forever.That´s why I´m here and coming back again and again,reading and writing with every breath that I take... PS1:I put this video.It´s the last place that me and my beloved Jan were looking forward to,island of Capri.I still dream of going there one day.I know that he will be happy.Watching this always makes my heart cry,because we were the happiest when we planned this trip and then my most beloved one died... P.di Capri-Capri.mp4 PS2:Today in the church my eyes filled with tears again...the priest was talking about family...however I have no family anymore...it always hurts... Hugs from Janka

This behaviour works for me too.At the beginning I used to do many things remembering my beloved man,every little detail that gave me a feeling of being closer to him,as well as we had used to be together.Well,a few years after,I stopped doing some things.There is too much suffering I´ve been going through,so things like that cause me the big pain now and remind me my deepest wounds hidden at the bottom of my heart.As time passes by,we cope with our grief according to the stage we find ourselves at the moment.It´s been 6 years,4 months and 3 days for me tonight and all I can say for the time being is that I try to protect my health from crying for hours,because it made me a horrible headache as my heart has been longing for him more and more.There are still many things I use to do now too,but I try to keep doing things that may put a smile on my face. Everything changes day after day,but my love for him is for eternity and I realize that I miss him more than ever. My beloved Jan, Your Janka

It´s been 6 years and 4 months for me now and I never say the word "lost"...I´ve always said "died"...People around me use to mean "lost" with breaking up and of course,it´s not true...He will never be alive in this life again,but one day we will be together as one,so the death doesn´t mean anything final;it´s just a change-over for something eternal with no more tears,sadness and pain that we´re going through right now being without them at the moment... Hugs from Janka

My dear Cookie, reading your reply to my post made me speechless for a moment,so beautiful it was of you and to be honest,it put the tears into my eyes after.Your responses have always made me feel better.You´re such a kind person and I´m thankful for you and the other ones in here who reached out this way to me. God bless you... PS:I hope this may put a smile on your face... With love Janka

Today was the day when every woman should get a bunch of flowers,the 8th of March,as it had been in the past. I spent this day in my favourite pizzeria with one of my best friends and then I went to church.It was a nice day.We had a great time for a while and I also found a peace of mind then. In the evening I went by tram home and my face lost a smile,looking at the other women walking down the streets hand in hand with their men,holding flowers and smiling all along.However still it was ok and I kept it up on my way home. Now it´s 5 a.m. and listening to the song "Till the end of time" singing by Mariah Carey put the tears in my eyes and I burst in tears at last... This song is so beautiful and very true...I can´t stop the pain in my heart that will never go away... My beloved Jan,I feel your presence now and it´s as much real as nothing else around... Come and take my hand and we´ll never be alone anymore... ...endlessly... ...my love... ...your Janka...

I think the same,dear Ana.My beloved man was the best I´ve ever met in my whole life,therefore I believe it brought him to heaven.If it wasn´t the right reason,so there must be another one I always speak to myself that his death and all of my suffering brought him there too.There are no words to describe how much I´ve suffered since he died.Seems it´s the only way to be worthy of being in heaven,together with them,happy for eternity.Nobody is perfect,though in my eyes my beloved Jan will always be like that.It´s once for a lifetime only,no matter what´s gonna happen after.We all had what others can only be dreaming of and I myself am thankful for... Hugs from Janka

Dear Darrel, you can be at peace as I also believe it´s right,all the more after I´ve experienced some things between these two worlds so far and it even makes my faith much stronger nowadays.God exists and there is nothing or no one to take it away from me anymore.He will never leave those ones who do believe in him and will always take care,no matter what.All that he wants is love.I think the faith you´ve got is wonderful and your post really touched my heart.I only hope that your anniversary is gonna be full of lovely memories that you cherish in your heart forever. The day I die will be the happiest for me,because I know that my beloved Jan will come to take me with him.So I do the best I can to reach the place in heaven where he is waiting for me to be with him for eternity.It´s worthy of all the suffering I´ve been going through by now. This is my beloved man Jan... Hugs from Janka