Sandra M.

I had my first visitation (while I was asleep, but it was a real visitation, not a dream) from my husband a few nights ago. I had had a very difficult two weeks, missing him so deeply. His visit was such a wonderful surprise and healing. During it he was nodding his head and smiling, to let me know it was really him. When I woke up I felt a peace that I had not felt since he passed last December.

If you've been asking your loved one to visit you but it hasn't happened yet, don't give up! It might happen when you least expect it!

On 4/17/2018 at 8:39 AM, kayc said:

Gwen,

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and all alone!  How I wish I lived near you so I could have drove you in and been there for you.  (I drove a guy that occasionally comes to our church in to the ER a week ago even though I don't know him).  Here it's 1 1/2 hours away from Riverbend Hospital so long day.  I went through a panic attack as you describe when George was alive, we thought I was having a heart attack, felt relieved that it wasn't, very scary!  I've had panic attacks since he died, I remember one, I wasn't sure if it was that or a heart attack, but had someone wait with me on the phone and they were to call 911 if I stopped responding.  It's hell being so alone sometimes.

A Grief Observed is one of my favorites, I love CS Lewis!  He is such an authentic person, he knew from firsthand experience true and amazing love...and loss.  He didn't get caught up in Christian cliches and thinking, he was so real and really knew what he was talking about, that and he had a beautiful way of putting his thoughts and feelings into words for us, the readers.

Gwen,

Like kayc, I, too am so sorry for what you went through, and all alone. Is there no one you could have reached out to? Myself, I find it very, very difficult to reach out to people when I need help, so, now that I, too, am alone, and without friends, I guess I am also asking myself because I can just see myself driving myself to the ER rather than reaching out to anyone to help me. Not always the best course of action.

3 hours ago, ElizabethMC said:

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and generosity. It's going to be a really hard time for me, I know, just as it is for everyone else here. 

My nature is to be very private, so commenting like this is hard for me.

I don't know if I will be commenting in the future, but I think I will be checking in to read comments to hopefully benefit that way.

I wish with all my heart that we all find light in our lives.

E.

 

Dear Elizabeth.

Thank you for the wish you sent to all of us. It's beautiful. I cannot think of anything better to wish for us.

Sandra

On Friday, April 13, 2018 at 4:50 AM, Linda E said:

Sandra M & TomPB,

I love the idea of a group home, I would join immediately.   Ne & Julian being our crazy selves, so I know he would approve on such a place.

Linda E and Tom PB,

This site feels like a virtual group home to me

Sandra

8 hours ago, ElizabethMC said:

Dear Sandra, I think I know how you feel. 

My husband of 36 years passed on a month ago, March 15, and I am dying inside.

He was/is my entire world. 

I see no beauty. I feel no happiness. I am completely alone, going through the motions of being alive.

The pain is actually getting worse with time.

If not for our dog, I would have no reason for breathing.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer words to help relieve your suffering. 

The only thing that gives me comfort is the absolute belief that my husband is now whole again in God's light -strong, brilliant, beautiful and happy.

Dear Elizabeth,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. For me it hasn't been words from others that have brought me comfort so much as it's been their open hearts behind their words. I truly appreciate your openheartedness towards me and thank you for it. I, too, wish that I had words of comfort to offer you as you are having to live with what most likely is the most pain you have ever had to deal with.

I am going through this pretty much alone. I have one family member, my sister, and no close friend. My sister lives on the east coast and emails frequently but that's not having a someone close by. I'm just telling you this because I wanted to share that I went to a counselor several times after Jim passed and really let loose and cried from a very deep place. Those sessions have proven to be what has been most helpful for me. I don't know if that's something you might want to think about.

I get comfort, too, from knowing that my sweetheart is now free from the suffering of living with cancer for six years and is in what Buddhists call a Buddha realm.

Be gentle with yourself and appreciate yourself for having the strength to go through this.

And, keep coming here. I have found comfort here many times in just the short amount of time since I joined.

2 hours ago, Shoosie2 said:

and BTW, all of the links, in this and all of the other articles, are truly inspiring and comforting- IMHO.

Peace

Steph

Thanks so much Steph! I'll check this out.

Peace to you, too!

Sandra

6 hours ago, Linda E said:

Sandra M,

I feel that most people on this site were true soulmates, not a norm in this society, so I think that most people do not understand what we are going through and never will.

Linda E,

You are so clear on this. Thank you so much for sharing! I have never been within the norm of this society. It feels good here--where I am among those who DO understand what I am going through.

Thank you again.

3 minutes ago, Sandra M. said:

Marty,

If my first message in which I came out with guns firing at you got posted, I am so, so sorry. It's the end of a long day and I've been running on not enough sleep for way too long. These things led me to misread and misinterpret your message. Please accept my apology.

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

You may find this helpful, Tom: Continuing Bonds ~ No, Not Municipal Bonds

Tom,

There are meditation techniques that can be used to break attachment without breaking the bond of love. Also, not all attachments are negative. My brain is just too foggy to think clearly right now, but I hope this makes a little bit of sense. Also, as you said, we have to be where we are. I'm attached to Jim but our relationship was a lot about healing each other through our love and starting a business together in which Jim built prayer wheels that were filled with mantras used to heal people. We didn't think of it this way, but we used our attachment to each other to do good things.

Also, it was a high Buddhist lama who wrote that if we have been with someone intimately for a long time in one life it means that that connection is very deep and we will be together again in the future.

I am so, so sorry to hear of the sudden way in which you lost Susan. It must have been and must continue to be such a shocking thing to deal with. It sounds as though you have found a good counselor, though, which is good to hear.

I am still at work and it's finally time to pack it up and go home. Thank you for the links. I will look at them later.

May we all find ways to work with our pain.

On 4/1/2018 at 7:39 PM, Gwenivere said:

As I’ve said before and now again, it’s so sad we have to add a date to our lives that will always bring pain.  

Yes, it is!

On 3/19/2018 at 1:32 PM, Gwenivere said:

I 'think' I know what you are talking about, Linda.  As Marty said above above about it not staying as acute acute and sharp.  I am going into my 4th year and it makes the first 3 look like a cake walk.  Something happened that I now feel it more than ever.  I’ve done all the legal, getting rid of medical reminders, destroyed all images of him in the ravages of his cancer and worked with therapists since.  I don't know if it’s the length of time now or it has taken a turn to something unhealthy.  I’ve read many articles about this as a disorder.  I am not adapting as I once was.  The years before were hell for sure, but nothing like this.  I have absolutely no personal support like family or friends so I know that takes a toll.  We are all trying to get used to not being someone beloved anymore or having our beloveds there to give what we still feel.  All I do know is the person I once was could find something to give life some meaning to keep living it and now I can’t.  And that truly scares me about my options.  

My heart aches with yours, Gwenivere. Hoping you are find some relief from your pain.

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Same for me. It helps when I can believe that Susan is really here as a spirit, not just in my memory. I've had some signs, but most recently my sister was talking to a psychic who didn't know us and with no prompting got a message to me from Susan saying she is always with me, is worried about me, and is waiting for me. That changed my thinking!

Meditation is an important part of how I try to survive grief world. Best wishes.

Wow--that message you got is so awesome!! And the fact that Susan came through without any prompting really confirms how she really IS with you!  I bet that that changed your thinking, and I am really happy for you!! By the way, how long ago did Susan pass? No special reason for asking, I'm just curious.

Interesting that you mentioned meditation because it is also a LARGE part of how I am able to survive this grief world. In fact, I often feel Jim's presence engulfing me when I'm on my meditation cushion.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Take good care of yourself.

2 hours ago, TomPB said:

When Susan and I were growing more and more connected over 48 years I never once had the thought that living without her was simultaneously becoming more impossible. We said "couldn't live without you" countless times without ever thinking one of us would face that real situation. "Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch" - a truer line was never written.

Just saw on twitter "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." That's what Tom&Susan were/was.

That's what Jim and Sandra were, also. We were constantly telling one another "I don't know what I'd do without you," and, because we were/are so closely connected spiritually, I never thought that one would have to do without the other. I thought that our souls would leave the planet together. But last December 27 I hit the painful reality that that was not to be.

I find some relief from missing Jim so darned much when I remember that his love is still with me (One of the last things that he said to me was, "I will never leave you; I will always be by your side.") and that we will meet and be together again. Switching from being together spiritually and physically is a painful transition, but there is some solace when I am able to tap into Jim's ever present love for me.

On 3/6/2018 at 5:10 PM, Marg M said:

Kay, what a gorgeous, handsome, happy baby.  This is my smile for today.  Thank you. 

Mine, too!

Here's an article I really like.

I'm new here and still navigating around the web site, so I hope this is a good forum for this post.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-grief-paradigm/

On Wednesday, March 28, 2018 at 5:35 AM, kayc said:

 It's different than it was when we were on our own before meeting our spouse, now we know what we're missing . . . .

KayC,

Reading this was so affirming. . . knowing what I'm missing, the contrast between what I had and what I have now, makes my heart ache deeply. A few women have said to me that since I was a single woman on my own for many years before I met Jim, I know that I can make it on my own now. Well, yes, I can make it, but I did not like the single life, not having anyone to love and to love me back, and now that I've had that experience, I know how full and wonderful life can be and how deeply empty life can feel.

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Every day is just monotony now.  Unlike the movie Groundhog Day, I just ramble thru on autopilot going to bed and repeating.  Afternoons are maybe different, but waking and the long nights alone are so hard.  No one to add some spontinaity.  Things run totally by the clock now.  When my dogs require something.  I look for things to do to kill the time but there aren’t enough.  The things I do think of are chores anyway that used to bring reward.  Sharing them with someone.  No one says....hey, let’s do this instead.  TV was only on when we watched something we recorded or rented, now it’s my roommate and full of baby boomer ads for disease and drugs with dire side effects.  Commercials about love (perfumes, jewelry, just seeing people together building a life) are heart wrenching.  I see that all the time in real life.  I’ve always been friendly with strangers but now I depend on it to feel connected to the world in any small way knowing I have to come to this now house, not home.  I guess I am writing this today because last night I was so angry he left and doesn’t feel this pain.  We always shared pain in losses.  I don’t know how to do this alone and especially about him.  I felt horrible wanting him to feel it, but it was desperation from being alone.  This wouldn’t exist to even deal with before.   So I’ll go out for a bit, come back here, change clothes, feed the dogs, get the house ready for the night, feed myself and sit in the silence of what was my heart.  The emptiness.  Wonder where he is.  Cry out for him to go to sleep.  See the images of life on a TV.  The first couple of years I was in a cocoon of disbelief.  It’s gone now after over 3 years.  There’s no protection from the reality of this.  I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore.    I’ve tried so many suggestions.  I want us back.  Some one wrote the 5th year was thier worst.  I’m halfway thru my 4th.  I guess I believed it would get better as it has for some.  I’ve yet to find meaning and without that, I’ll be stuck in this a very long time,that I do know.   Ramble mode off, plenty of time in my head for that later. I’ll take my Xanax and hope for numb.

Dear Gwenivere,

I can relate to so much of this and it makes my heart ache for you, for me, and everyone here and elsewhere that is going through this suffering.

I wish I had something of real comfort to offer.

On 3/28/2018 at 6:54 AM, TomPB said:

Sandra, as kayc says, not all counselors are the same. Mine, who is an angel and also a psychotherapist, says that in retrospect she was clueless doing grief counseling before she had her own losses. Also we are constantly texting between sessions and she doesn't watch the clock like a lot of therapists, so if we run over it's fine.

OMG this is a hard road. 48 yrs of unconditional love with Susan always by my side, one single being T&S, & now I'm supposed to go on solo. Friend says I was torn apart from my other half without anesthetic. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. My counselor says grief IS love, and that in the end all that remains is the love.  On this forum are people who had the deepest love. Best wishes, Tom PB

Thank you, TomPB.

In the first days after Jim had passed, I had that exact feeling that he had been torn apart from me--those are the exact words I told a counselor I was seeing at the time. Her response was to ask me where he had gone. I was in too much shock and pain to be able to process much in real time and answer her, but I did/do know that my sweetheart is in a very good place--and I ache with wanting to be with him. I know that you know what I mean.

Thank you for reaching out to me; it helped me.

I send you hugs and my best wishes.

Sandra

On 6/25/2016 at 8:45 PM, BillT said:

Mitch wrote:

"The feeling that life is futile now and I can't go on. That I don't see the point of living if it feels like this. After all, what do I have left? ...  How much sadness, emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness can a person take? "

At almost 5 months, this is how I feel.  

 

At 3 months, this is how I feel.

On 3/31/2015 at 10:35 AM, mittam99 said:

littlebro thank you. Feralfae, kayc and sharirouse... thank you for your long and kind posts.

 

It just feels like I'm going through the motions. All I had in my life that made me happy was Tammy. Without her, it just doesn't seem worth living. I just feel like I have nothing and the truth is I don't think I do. No family that is there for me emotionally and no close friends. Tammy was all I ever had and all I ever wanted. She was the only one who loved me unconditionally. Right now it feels like 24/7 of emptiness.

 

And it's just overwhelming to think of all the physical pain Tammy went through in her life and all her ordeals knowing that, ultimately her life ended way too soon. It's just so unfair. All our plans for the future and a future filled with love and happiness are all gone.

 

Honestly, how on earth does someone who's lost everything that made life worth living carry on? And carry on in such a way that life seems worth living?

 

And the other thing is that, in my life, no one does get what I'm going through. Perfect example, I texted Tammy's youngest sister and asked if I could call her (she's the only one in Tammy's family that has even maintained a bit of contact with me after Tammy passed). She said she was too busy. I texted her in a way that clearly made it sounded like I was in a very dark place. And yet she waited an hour to text me back and wrote "do you have hobbies?".. SERIOUSLY??? My sister is constantly telling me I need to go back to work and to do this and do that. I know these people mean well but they are clueless as to the pain and suffering I am feeling.

 

I'm anxious about going to the counselor Thursday but I'm hoping she will help. At least I'm trying to think about a future of some kind.

 

Most people I know don't understand that this kind of grief is a long term "healing" process. And it makes me feel even more alone, like no one is on my side.

 

I still can't fathom having a "real life" without Tammy in it. And the crying, the feeling of hopelessness and the feeling that Tammy didn't deserve any of this consume me.

 

Mitch

On 3/30/2015 at 7:28 PM, mittam99 said:

I've had more than a few of those in the past few days. The feeling that life is futile now and I can't go on. That I don't see the point of living if it feels like this. After all, what do I have left? Tammy was the woman of my dreams and I waited my whole life for her. Seeing her battle the overwhelming illnesses she went through and seeing the way she handled things with courage and an amazing attitude, I was in awe of her. Tammy, was my world and honestly, my happiness.

 

Since March 6th, this life doesn't have any happiness. It's pure and utter heartache. The silence is deafening. I keep replaying the things I saw on March 6th and it's like watching a tragic horror show over and over. It's unbearable.

 

The thing is, although I don't see how I can go on, I don't want to take my own life. That's just not something I could do. I mean, I have tons of Tammy's pain pills right here if I wanted to do something and I won't. I've scheduled an appointment with a grief counselor for Thursday and I hope it helps. Although... I don't know if it will. My grief is very complicated. I wasn't just Tammy's soulmate. I was her caregiver. And I'm traumatized by some of the things I saw on March 6th. And I've never loved or felt love towards me like I did with my Tammy.

 

My sisters don't understand what I'm going through and Tammy's family honestly doesn't seem to care (that's a whole story in itself).

 

How much sadness, emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness can a person take?

 

I guess I just needed to vent to people who know what I'm going through.

 

Mitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mitch,

Thank you for directing me to this site. I am feeling everything your wrote about.

Jim went through so much during the six year that he fought cancer. It broke my heart time and time and time again to watch him go through all that he did. But he always stayed positive and fierce. Even during the last assaults on his body, when he had tumors in his brain, left lung, nasalpharnyx, the bone of his skull, and had lost any use of his left arm and leg, he said to me "This does not mean that I won't overcome this."

During all of our traumas and trials we still found happiness in being together. Just laying together side by side brought peace to our minds and love to our hearts.

Now, as I face my future without him, I cannot find peace anywhere. As you said, life has become an everyday heartache. Instead of looking forward to our special days, weekends, and vacation time, I dread them all. The most I hope for is that I won't hurt too much as I go through them.

As you said, no one can truly understand what I am going through, except you and others like us.

Again, I am full of gratitude for having a place to come to where I can openly share.

Thank you, everyone. I hope everyone feels at least a little solace everyday.

Sandra

1 minute ago, Sandra M. said:

Dear Mitch and KayC,

My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy.

I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again.

I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you.

You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter.

Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you.

All the best to you.

Thank you, sweetheart, for promising to never leave me and to always stay by my side. I sill love you more than anything, and know our love for each other will bring us back together time after time after time. It's still you, sweetheart, straight down the line.

Dear Mitch and KayC,

My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy.

I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again.

I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you.

You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter.

Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you.

All the best to you.

40 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Hi Sandra.  Your loss is so fresh and raw.  I had the opposite reaction, I felt nothing for a good 6 months.  Just shows how we all are different.  It always feels strange 'welcoming' someone to a place that is safe, but no one wants to be in for obvious reasons.  But I thank gawd it is here because there are no other people that understand this unless it happens to them.   That was and still is one of the hardest parts of this change.  Whatever you encounter on your journey, there are many here that will validate and understand.  I’m at over 3 years and don’t know what I would do without this family.  I truly hope it helps you as you encounter how different the world is and how people may treat you.  I also hope you have some supportive family and friends, tho they will fall short sometimes.   No rules here.  Share what you need as it comes up.  One thing about what this pain has done is make for very compassionate people.  Always were, but like little saviors when you need them.  🌺

 

Hi Gwenivere. Thank you so much! Your compassion came through very clearly in what you wrote. I understand completely what you and MartyT said about welcoming me here, but it feels good to be here, nonetheless. I only have one sibling, a sister, and though she is very supportive, she lives on the opposite coast. I don't have any close friends and most of my coworkers, good-hearted people, have felt too awkward to interact with me since 2012, when my dear husband, Jim, was first diagnosed with cancer. It's been a long and lonely journey and has just gotten more lonely, with a loneliness that can never end. It's still just so hard to believe Jim is gone forever.

I love the flower you signed off with. Can you tell me how you did it? I wanted to send one to you, also, but flowers did not come up as an emoji category!

I'm new to this group. I found my way here because, like most everyone else here, I am in great pain. My husband--the love of my life, my soulmate, best friend, and center of my life--left his body three months ago. I live everyday in pain and loneliness, going through the motions of being alive, but not feeling alive. They say that grief comes in waves. Well, a wave has grabbed me, and despite everything I have been trying to pull myself free of it, it just won't let me go.

Thank you, all, for providing a space where I can express myself freely knowing that I will be accepted without judgment.