Sandra M.

I had my first visitation (while I was asleep, but it was a real visitation, not a dream) from my husband a few nights ago. I had had a very difficult two weeks, missing him so deeply. His visit was such a wonderful surprise and healing. During it he was nodding his head and smiling, to let me know it was really him. When I woke up I felt a peace that I had not felt since he passed last December. If you've been asking your loved one to visit you but it hasn't happened yet, don't give up! It might happen when you least expect it!

Gwen, Like kayc, I, too am so sorry for what you went through, and all alone. Is there no one you could have reached out to? Myself, I find it very, very difficult to reach out to people when I need help, so, now that I, too, am alone, and without friends, I guess I am also asking myself because I can just see myself driving myself to the ER rather than reaching out to anyone to help me. Not always the best course of action.

Dear Elizabeth. Thank you for the wish you sent to all of us. It's beautiful. I cannot think of anything better to wish for us. Sandra

Linda E and Tom PB, This site feels like a virtual group home to me Sandra

Dear Elizabeth, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. For me it hasn't been words from others that have brought me comfort so much as it's been their open hearts behind their words. I truly appreciate your openheartedness towards me and thank you for it. I, too, wish that I had words of comfort to offer you as you are having to live with what most likely is the most pain you have ever had to deal with. I am going through this pretty much alone. I have one family member, my sister, and no close friend. My sister lives on the east coast and emails frequently but that's not having a someone close by. I'm just telling you this because I wanted to share that I went to a counselor several times after Jim passed and really let loose and cried from a very deep place. Those sessions have proven to be what has been most helpful for me. I don't know if that's something you might want to think about. I get comfort, too, from knowing that my sweetheart is now free from the suffering of living with cancer for six years and is in what Buddhists call a Buddha realm. Be gentle with yourself and appreciate yourself for having the strength to go through this. And, keep coming here. I have found comfort here many times in just the short amount of time since I joined.

Thanks so much Steph! I'll check this out. Peace to you, too! Sandra

Linda E, You are so clear on this. Thank you so much for sharing! I have never been within the norm of this society. It feels good here--where I am among those who DO understand what I am going through. Thank you again.

Tom, There are meditation techniques that can be used to break attachment without breaking the bond of love. Also, not all attachments are negative. My brain is just too foggy to think clearly right now, but I hope this makes a little bit of sense. Also, as you said, we have to be where we are. I'm attached to Jim but our relationship was a lot about healing each other through our love and starting a business together in which Jim built prayer wheels that were filled with mantras used to heal people. We didn't think of it this way, but we used our attachment to each other to do good things. Also, it was a high Buddhist lama who wrote that if we have been with someone intimately for a long time in one life it means that that connection is very deep and we will be together again in the future. I am so, so sorry to hear of the sudden way in which you lost Susan. It must have been and must continue to be such a shocking thing to deal with. It sounds as though you have found a good counselor, though, which is good to hear. I am still at work and it's finally time to pack it up and go home. Thank you for the links. I will look at them later. May we all find ways to work with our pain.

Yes, it is!

My heart aches with yours, Gwenivere. Hoping you are find some relief from your pain.

Wow--that message you got is so awesome!! And the fact that Susan came through without any prompting really confirms how she really IS with you! I bet that that changed your thinking, and I am really happy for you!! By the way, how long ago did Susan pass? No special reason for asking, I'm just curious. Interesting that you mentioned meditation because it is also a LARGE part of how I am able to survive this grief world. In fact, I often feel Jim's presence engulfing me when I'm on my meditation cushion. Sending my best wishes to you. Take good care of yourself.

That's what Jim and Sandra were, also. We were constantly telling one another "I don't know what I'd do without you," and, because we were/are so closely connected spiritually, I never thought that one would have to do without the other. I thought that our souls would leave the planet together. But last December 27 I hit the painful reality that that was not to be. I find some relief from missing Jim so darned much when I remember that his love is still with me (One of the last things that he said to me was, "I will never leave you; I will always be by your side.") and that we will meet and be together again. Switching from being together spiritually and physically is a painful transition, but there is some solace when I am able to tap into Jim's ever present love for me.

Mine, too!

Here's an article I really like. I'm new here and still navigating around the web site, so I hope this is a good forum for this post. https://whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-grief-paradigm/

KayC, Reading this was so affirming. . . knowing what I'm missing, the contrast between what I had and what I have now, makes my heart ache deeply. A few women have said to me that since I was a single woman on my own for many years before I met Jim, I know that I can make it on my own now. Well, yes, I can make it, but I did not like the single life, not having anyone to love and to love me back, and now that I've had that experience, I know how full and wonderful life can be and how deeply empty life can feel.

Dear Gwenivere, I can relate to so much of this and it makes my heart ache for you, for me, and everyone here and elsewhere that is going through this suffering. I wish I had something of real comfort to offer.

Thank you, TomPB. In the first days after Jim had passed, I had that exact feeling that he had been torn apart from me--those are the exact words I told a counselor I was seeing at the time. Her response was to ask me where he had gone. I was in too much shock and pain to be able to process much in real time and answer her, but I did/do know that my sweetheart is in a very good place--and I ache with wanting to be with him. I know that you know what I mean. Thank you for reaching out to me; it helped me. I send you hugs and my best wishes. Sandra

At 3 months, this is how I feel.

Dear Mitch, Thank you for directing me to this site. I am feeling everything your wrote about. Jim went through so much during the six year that he fought cancer. It broke my heart time and time and time again to watch him go through all that he did. But he always stayed positive and fierce. Even during the last assaults on his body, when he had tumors in his brain, left lung, nasalpharnyx, the bone of his skull, and had lost any use of his left arm and leg, he said to me "This does not mean that I won't overcome this." During all of our traumas and trials we still found happiness in being together. Just laying together side by side brought peace to our minds and love to our hearts. Now, as I face my future without him, I cannot find peace anywhere. As you said, life has become an everyday heartache. Instead of looking forward to our special days, weekends, and vacation time, I dread them all. The most I hope for is that I won't hurt too much as I go through them. As you said, no one can truly understand what I am going through, except you and others like us. Again, I am full of gratitude for having a place to come to where I can openly share. Thank you, everyone. I hope everyone feels at least a little solace everyday. Sandra

Thank you, sweetheart, for promising to never leave me and to always stay by my side. I sill love you more than anything, and know our love for each other will bring us back together time after time after time. It's still you, sweetheart, straight down the line.

Dear Mitch and KayC, My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy. I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again. I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you. You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter. Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you. All the best to you.

Hi Gwenivere. Thank you so much! Your compassion came through very clearly in what you wrote. I understand completely what you and MartyT said about welcoming me here, but it feels good to be here, nonetheless. I only have one sibling, a sister, and though she is very supportive, she lives on the opposite coast. I don't have any close friends and most of my coworkers, good-hearted people, have felt too awkward to interact with me since 2012, when my dear husband, Jim, was first diagnosed with cancer. It's been a long and lonely journey and has just gotten more lonely, with a loneliness that can never end. It's still just so hard to believe Jim is gone forever. I love the flower you signed off with. Can you tell me how you did it? I wanted to send one to you, also, but flowers did not come up as an emoji category!

I'm new to this group. I found my way here because, like most everyone else here, I am in great pain. My husband--the love of my life, my soulmate, best friend, and center of my life--left his body three months ago. I live everyday in pain and loneliness, going through the motions of being alive, but not feeling alive. They say that grief comes in waves. Well, a wave has grabbed me, and despite everything I have been trying to pull myself free of it, it just won't let me go. Thank you, all, for providing a space where I can express myself freely knowing that I will be accepted without judgment.