We knew the time would come, and its hard to deal with all this. After dad passed away, my mum went into meltdown and i supported her, took over everything and made sure everythig went smoothly. My mum said some unforgivable things to me during this, but i bit my tongue and carried on. Dad passed away in 2016.
We then found within a couple of weeks this bloke was messaging her on facebook and we warned her do not give details, no emails or phone or anything where you live etc alarm bells were ringing and they were texting a lot and she told me some of the texts.. i warned her about scam artists and at first she didnt belive it etc and that we were trying to stop her happiness.. I found out more details and he had several accounts with the same numbers on facebook,all women only no pics etc.. we reported him and his account was suspended.
So last year, a year after dad died she said she was going to look at dating sites. I had been so busy sorting dads affairs out and sorting her out, i had not really started to grieve.. and asked her to respect our wishes that we wanted no part of it and didnt want to know about anyone etc.. and she could look with her friends etc but not me. Now i live over 250 miles round trip but she kept pressing and pressing until i flipped .. and we had a fall out.. i tried to explain to her in an easy way about grief.. and how it was different for her than us kids and that imagine a long line and we are just not at the end to accept this, which is our problem not hers and in time when we get to the end of the line, life goes on go for it, but for us it was to early. But that was her choice.
6 months after.. she said she had been on a private members dating site where everyone had to be checked out and its not on the internet and she had been out with a few gentleman.. We were gobsmacked but by now we were further along the line and said thats nice.. hope your having fun, you might find a companion.. as she is the sort of woman that needs to be with a man. Fast forward all this dating malarky.. to 2 years.
She has seen a gentleman, for nearly a year but only about 20 times.. but all of a sudden its gone to him this, him that, him other.. and its starting to grate on us. Now I totally understand she wants to be happy, and i said i am quite happy to meet him, but can she stop going on about him all the time.. i am genuinly happy for her.. My other sibling is really struggling and is not at the same part and feels likes they are been pushed into it.. So i told mum.. back off, tread on eggshells they are at a diffferent point to where i am but they will get there and let things happen naturally and she agreed.. but then the next phone call it was the same again and my sibling flipped.i tried to smooth the road and tried to explain to mum saying remember last year i said i didnt want to know, well they are there at that point and you have to let them grieve and let them meet on neutral ground, turning up at his place will blow up in everyones faces and she agreed and so did my sibling..
So mums situation is she has a nice house and is comfy but its to big for her and she was planning to move back near family. Which made us happy as no one is down there and after losing dad then losing other family members last year.. we can support her if she ever becomes ill.. This part she does not seem to get or understand how worried we are.. If she becomes ill where she is, we can come down for a couple of days but thats it, we have lives and jobs to come back to.
Last year she became really ill and i dropped everything ad went down, now each trip costs us around £120 but that doesnt matter and she makes no effort to come up to ours.. i not saying everymonth but maybe twice a year but all she goes on is money and she is financially secure.. Infact its causing massive problems cos all i hear this costs this, this costs that etc.. life revolves around money and she has savings and she is secure..
So tonight we have had a massive argument which ended up with her swearing at me and i said enough, every day or so is can you do this or can you do that..and if i cant she doesnt believe me and has a go. She has now decided to stay put.. which at the end of the day has to be her choice but she has also got to understand we cant just drop everythinng and go down.. and we are worried as she does have health problems and the house is so cold.. i never go in winter. So my next was well stay there, down size, you will have extra money in the bank and you can have a warm safe home as you are ageing... To this is got the sarcastic remark well if i am bad ill go in a home and you get no inheritance.. i was fuming.. i dont care about money, go and blow it and my sibling feels like this as well.. but mum is a perfectionist at turning things around and guilt tripping the kids.. She has so much stuff, tons of it.. and had a go as we cleared a familys house out last year who was round the corner and i said yes most of it went to charity shop or the skip mum and they were five mins away.. to which her remark was well you will have to work for your inheritance. again i bit my tooth..
She is always moving next year and next year never comes and i fear that she will die there old and lonely and cold..She was seriously ill last year.
So going back to the bloke she met.. she has said it will be a year or so as they got to get to know each other etc.. and she is thinking off staying where she is and downsizing and then next min staying put. But i said well if its meant to be its meant to be.. One min hes the bees knees, next shes not sure.. and i think she is using us kids as an excuse and causing problems herself. So tonight he had been there and hes saying your house on the market and ill do same and we get a place together but want to leave out a lump sum and get a new car.. So i said to mum tonight thats great.. until she told me that he said i wouldnt be happy about the inheritance as it would be less than half as it stands now.. i went nuts saying how dare he speak about me, he does not know me from adam.... and found it quite offensive.. I told mum that her house is worth a lot and protect her investment.. She asked if i died before he did would the kids be happy for him to live in and upon him selling or dying etc he could stay there and vice versa and everyone said yes.. Mum is adamant that she wants inheritance going to us kids.. and if it did work out it has to remain so and the same for him.. so i said thats fine just get a codicil written up at solicitors so you both know where you stand.. and my mum is a bit naive and said if you want me to go with you i will but he has objected which is a bit worrying as i not bothered about much he has, but dont want to see mum in realtionship which might be wrong and end up out of pocket.. Apparently this evening hes told her to get her house on sale etc...... and for the first time i said whoooooa slow down.. have him stay over, go out on more dates, go on holidays, get to know each other and if its meant to be its meant to be.. but she said no it will be next year..
So hes literally pushed her tonight she phones and was talking intimate things and again i said mum we are your kids you shouldnt be talking like this to us.. you have lots of friends talk to them.. but deep down alarm bells are ringing.. but if we dare say anything she completely flips at us.. and said just wait till your husband dies.. and i found that to be disgusting..and it got heated and she ended up swearing at me and i told her when she calmed down to ring me but i refuse to be sworn at and told her how ungreatful she was.. and hung up.. then the texts started.. Will you do this and that and other for me.. i just said ask him to do it for you.. because thats all you talk about. Mum is very good at guilt tripping.. oh you be both here on my deathbed.. wishing you were down more.. etc we go down on average every other month we just cannot afford to go down more.. she could come up but always an excuse. But i think she thinks he is pushing to hard now..
My worries for mum is if she does get with him..that hes not after her money and suggest they both go see solicitor to protect their interests. That before living together and making a committment, they slow down a little and spend nights together, go on holiday together etc.. see if they are compatible, as mum likes sun holidays and he likes uk, but i said thats simple go one of each, thats not a problem. But he also talking about not putting all is savings into a property and wants a posh car.. and im like ok but your house is peanuts, mums is worth 4 times more or do you expect her to put in 3/4 to your 1/4 of a new property and he might have more money himself but i dont want him thinking mum is a cashcow and is going to spend all hers. But every time i try and speak to her to say to be careful.. its he said this he said that ... ill get him to ring you.. no you wont.. I not discussing anything with a stranger we not met him yet.
I want mum to be happy and he might be the right person.. Its a new chapter for her of her life..We do not know anything about him, and after what she said tonight, i am just fuming with her.. and shes acting like a kid.. I do not think she is 100 percent sure about him at the moment and wants time but he is pushing her.. but if we make suggestions she goes off on us.. so do i back away and say dont want to know its up to you two.. sort it out.. i have said if its right you will know and its nothing to do with me or my sibling, we are not a close family but dont want to see her hurt but feel she is also using us as scapegoats as her get out clause.. her last message to me was i told him i just want to be friends.. and i have no doubt that i will be the scape goat.. because thats how she works.. i told her she was stupid as this could be the right relationship .. but when she lives so far away..we just cannot be at her beck and call.. Mum is an attractive lady but she can be really nasty with me and even my sibling gets treated different, not lifted a finger to help her, yet she always giving them money, her choice.. but its 2 years since he passed away and i seem to be at her beck and call to be used and abused as her bashing board and i am getting so close to the point where i am ready to walk away.. Just wish dad was here.. miss him so much.... and 2 years on still not grieved or cried as we had another member pass away last years.. we have had two full on years of close family death where we had to sort everything out and eventually something has to give