CairnLady

Amy,

I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your children. I too lost my beloved husband suddenly and traumatically  in July 2016.

Your grief is so raw and overwhelming at this point. When you feel you have the strength, I would like to suggest a book that I found to be most valuable to me on my grief journey. 

“I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye - surviving, coping, & healing after the sudden death of a loved one”

My prayers for you and your children. 

Darrel,

Thank you for sharing that, so very beautiful!

I too would like to give thanks for all of you here. I’ve gained much in the way of understanding that I am not “wrong”, and that I have every right to grieve in my own way and in my own time. I recognize myself in one way or another in so many posts I read, and gain the bit of strength I need each day to press on. 

For each and every one of us I pray:

May we all be healthy

May we all be safe

May we all find peace

May we all have some happiness in our lives.

I too was totally abandoned by family and friends after my beloved Michael was ripped away from me, and I too had a long list of some of the nastiest things said to me. To these people it was like I had lost my keys. Here’s a small sample of unsolicited “expert opinions”   (The “experts” of course are people who have never suffered a major loss in their self absorbed lives) that I’ve been subjected to:

I need to fix myself.

Did I expect people to drop everything just because Michael died?

I’m too emotional.

I need to get a boyfriend 

I need to “pull myself out of it”

They (the “experts”) don’t know who I am anymore.

I have removed these idiots from my life forever and will never have anything to do with them again. It wasn’t hard since they weren’t there for me anyway, and never would be.

14 hours ago, scba said:

I subscribe to that.

Me too

I read this comment in a post online from someone about a year ago, and it really struck me because it is exactly how I felt, and still feel. I recognized myself completely, as I do in all of your posts, but am not always able to articulate my feelings......

”My heart and my mind ride around in this empty shell that used to be me....”

Oh, I forgot to mention that’s it’s free to light a candle.

Below is a link where you can light a permanent virtual candle for your beloved, with a personal message. Once you have your candle lit, I suggest copying the URL and saving it, so it’s easy for you to locate your candle and go right to it later on. I lit one for my husband a while back.

https://condolencemessages.net/light-a-candle

My heart breaks for you. Hang on, a second at a time. Everything you are feeling is normal, even though you think you’re going crazy. As MartyT said, get to a qualified grief counselor as soon as you can. I pray for you and your  son. I’m hoping that you have family and friends around you to support you and your son during this terrible time. Keep coming back here.

Bless you and your son. 

Darrel,

I haven’t posted anything in quite a while, but have been reading posts of others almost every day. Your posts are very important (as are others) because I can recognize myself in so many ways, and not feel like I’m “wrong”, or “weak” for my grief, which still consumes me each day. A little over 2 years and I still cry everyday. Your “one foot in front of the other” always helps me whenever I feel that I just can’t do this anymore.

just wanted you to know you are helping others 

❤️❤️❤️

CairnLady

April, my heart breaks for you. As others have posted you will find understanding and as much solace as possible here. I lost my husband (best friend, soulmate) suddenly almost 2 years ago.

You will never be the same again, so don’t let others who have no clue tell you how you should feel, think, or act or judge you and try to make you feel “wrong”. I’ve had nothing but that from people (family and so called friends) and it is horrible some of the things that come out of people’s mouths. They have no idea because it hasn’t happened to them, but they all think they are experts and will try to “fix” you because your grief makes them uncomfortable.

Do what you feel is right for you. Take things one day, one hour, or one second at a time. You are indeed still in shock. Find yourself a counselor/therapist that specializes in grief.  

My psychiatrist also told me to stay away from anti-depressants for a least 2 years as they will just mask your grief and it will resurface later. I followed his advice, but I also don’t believe in those types of drugs. Obviously you may choose a different path, as our grief journey is unique for each of us.

You need to feel your grief, that, unfortunately is the only way through to some kind of healing from your terrible loss.

Also be aware that people/family you thought would be there for you may abandon you. I hope that’s not the case for you and that you have all the loving support you need and deserve, but again I speak from my own experience.

i am so sorry for your loss, hugs and love to you.

keep coming here, we all “get it” and are walking the grief road too.

Bless you. ❤️❤️❤️

Yes, I too have “witching hours” which are the worst of the worst. Mine is the mornings, I never sleep well, but like clockwork, around 6:30 am I become riddled with angst and terrible anxiety. I believe (and my grief counselor says it probably is as well) that it’s because 6:30am was when I got the call from that cold and callous doctor to tell me “my husband was going to die” and I collapsed on the floor (I was all alone, then, as I am now, and have been since he had the stroke) . That day was July 7th, our wedding anniversary and anniversary of the day we met. I believe it made a terrible “imprint” on me, (aside from the PTSD I now have) emotionally, physically, on my very soul. Then I have to face the fact again, over and over, that my beloved Michael is gone and never coming back. I get out of the bed and break down crying immediately. I call it the morning grief ambush, and sometimes the grief ambushes go on all day. Some days I can pull myself together a bit after I spend some times with my dogs, who always come to me when I cry, to comfort me. Weekends are horrible as well. Cripes, every day is a struggle, and every day I wonder if I can make it, keep going.

Well, I managed to survive yesterday. I actually feel sick and exhausted today, from all of the crying and stress of yesterday I’m sure.

i wanted to thank you all so much for your replies and wishes for solace, and for the simple understanding, really knowing how hard it was for me. I’ve received no such understanding, or even an attempt to understand from anyone else, except my grief counselor.

A recent comment from my self-absorbed sister was “I don’t even know who you are anymore”.

Ironically, how correct she is, but I certainly know exactly who they are, which is why I made the decision to remove them from my life.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. Yes, tears are flowing hard and fast today.

I am not yet in a place where good memories bring me any comfort or peace, only a reminder of what I’ll never have again. 

Perhaps with time that will change, but not today.

Today is my beloved husband Michael’s birthday. He would have been 56 today. This is the 2nd of his birthdays that he has not been here, as he was taken from me on July 10,  2016

I’ll always love you, my dearest Michael, and I miss you more than words can say. An ocean of tears have flowed since you left, and I will never be the same again.

God Bless you my love.

Yes, guess I’m somewhat overwhelmed  and overly sensitive myself. Michael’s birthday Is this Friday and it’s just wreaking extra havoc with my emotions.

Working from home never bothered me a bit until he died. He would call, or send me texts, pictures of funny or interesting things he came across  while he was at work, or some corny joke, and I always knew he was coming home.

Never said I didn’t want to be around people, so don’t make assumptions. I said I didn’t have much trust in people. My experiences have taught me to be wary. And being around people just for the sake of being around people doesn’t abate the loneliness. I miss my husband, not “people”, since “people” have done nothing but judge and abandon me since he died. And yes, I am fully aware it is my own path to walk. 

All relationships have their rough times. We are all only human and not everyday is all Skittles  and unicorns in a marriage/relationship. What makes the difference is that you work through the rough patches, because the love is worth it. I was always proud of the fact that Michael and I were together for 27 years while everyone else (except Michaels parents) around us (friends / family) couldn’t manage more than a few years before they all bailed out of their marriages or “serious relationships” because the waters got rough. I remember thinking before Michael died at times how grand it was going to be when we could celebrate our 50th anniversary as his parents had done before they passed. Alas, it was not to be.

Mitch

Your words are as if they were my own. My hardest times, and ambushes of grief are always brought on by the events, happenings and things I would have shared with Michael, but no longer can. Meals for example, Michael was an awesome cook, a master chef even though he had no formal training. The last thing he made for me before I lost him was lasagna. I will never be able to eat lasagna ever again. Last year was my 20 year service anniversary at my job. I received a nice award for my desk and letter telling me how to select my  own personal gift. This was something that would have sent me running to Michael when he got home, like a kid, saying “look what I got today!!!” and would have sat down with him to have him help me pick out my gift. He would have been so happy and proud of me. Instead I just sat at my desk and cried and cried, talking to the ceiling saying “Look what I got today Michael”

Having no one to care how you’re day went, to no longer be the most important person to someone, and them to be yours, no more hugs, holding hands, sweet kisses, inside jokes, the sharing make it all so very very hard. Now it seems all is hollow and without meaning.

Yes Gin, I also go days, weeks, months without seeing anyone I really “know”.  I work from home so even my co-workers are just voices on the phone when I have to attend a conference call. Sometimes I will say hello to a person I might see while walking my dogs. I’m not a joiner either. Unfortunately I don’t have much trust in people, they always seem to crap on you, or just want to use you. That’s been my experience anyway. I also have a medical condition called Cervical Dystonia. Had it for almost 25 years, it’s very painful and limits my ability to drive, I can only manage driving short distances. All of this plus my PTSD/anxiety combines to make it oh so hard to get out “in the world”. The fact that I can get myself to the grocery store once a week is a big accomplishment for me. When I had Michael, obviously he took my wherever I needed to go (including my treatments for the Cervical Dystonia, but since he’s gone, I haven’t had any treatments in over 2 years) and he was my rock, my shield whenever I felt unsure or self conscious about my condition. This all sucks, but like you, I really have no one who I can turn to.  

Thank you all for the responses and kindness. I’ve known very little kindnesses or compassion since I lost Michael. I too have given up expecting my “family” to understand and I’ve decided to remove them from my life, which is easy since they don’t bother with me except to insult or judge me anyway. I don’t know why I expected anything different from them, as they have all always been so very selfish and unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Desperation on my part I guess. I simply cannot carry my grief and all the hurt they dump on me with their callousness and cruelty. They are toxic and none of them have ever been able to have a relationship with anyone like Michael and I had (we were together for 27 years, inseparable from the day we met, love at first sight, we said “I love you” to each other everyday). I miss him so, cry every single day. Mornings (and weekends) are the worst, like many others I don’t sleep well, but when the mornings come I am riddled with anxiety and just cry my eyes out having to face Michael being gone over and over and over again. How is it possible to cry so much for so long? 

My heart and my mind just ride around in the empty vessel that used to be me. Like Humpty Dumpty, broken in so many pieces I don’t know how to put myself back together. My sweet loving dogs (which I call my babies, Michael and I had no children, our cats and dogs were our kids and we loved them as such) are the only reason I am still here and get out of bed. They give so much love to me and always try to comfort me, so I must do all I can to give them the best life that I can.

Peace and love to you all. Here’s a photo of my babies, Loki and Nugget.

This is my first time posting here as I have spent the last week reading much of what others had posted, and recognized myself in each of you in one way or another. I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, putting them to words, but I am “glad” I found this forum. My beloved husband Michael was torn away from me July 10, 2016. On July 5th he came home from work, and less than an hour later suffered a massive stroke. I’ll never forget the look of terror and bewilderment on his face, and my feelings of utter helplessness as I called 911, kept telling Michael to hang on (he was fading fast, couldn’t speak, his eyes rolling around wildly.). Then watching the paramedics work on him, wheel him out of the house to take him to the hospital.

i had gone into shock and my heart went into Afib, so next thing I know I’m in another ambulance too, them thinking I was having a heart attack. All I could keep saying was please take me to same hospital as my husband. I had to stay in the hospital overnight, took awhile to get me out of Afib, but I didn’t have a heart attack. All the while all I told was that my husband had a stroke.

Next morning I was released and frantically went to where they had my dear Michael and went I walked in the room I almost passed out, he was hooked up to all these machines, not conscious. Couldn’t find anyone who could tell me anything.

jumping ahead a bit and to shorten the story (as it makes me ill to recall these events) at 6:30am on July 7th (which was our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the day we met) a doctor whose name I can’t recall called me and callously said “you’re husband is going to die”. I simply collapsed repeating “no, no ,no”

the stoke had destroyed the left side of his brain, the cognitive side. I had to sign the paperwork for DNR and take him off life support. I was with him when he died, never having the chance to say goodbye. Shortly after the funeral came the panic attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder.

like others who have posted here, I received no support. It was like I fell off the earth myself as far as “friends”. Never heard from them after the funeral. My own family showed no support, only the cruel judgement of my grief. I need to fix myself, I’m too negative, it’s always about me, I need to pull myself out of it, we all have it tough, etc, etc, etc.  I thought I was the only one who was being treated that way and I couldn’t fathom why. That’s how I found this site, by searching on abandonment after losing a spouse. It broke my heart even more and sickened me as I read so many posts from others who experienced the same treatment.

Theres many more details to my story, but I’ve gone on long enough. Like the rest of you, I am broken and oh so lost, struggling each day, and so alone. 

May 25th is my beloved Michael’s birthday. He would have been 56 this year. This July will mark 2 years since he was ripped away from me and my life destroyed. 

My only real love and support come from my 2 dogs, which Michael and I went and picked out together as puppies a mere 10 months before he died. They loved him so too, and they too grieved when he didn’t come home anymore. 

Thanks for the opportunity to share a bit of my story. I wish peace and love to all who are suffering the loss of their loved ones.