This is my first post and I honest don't know where to start. My mom died in May '06 and my dad one day short of five months later in October '06. They would have been married 63 years one week after my mom passed. I am hoping perhaps someone has words of wisdom to offer. I am the youngest child (adopted) and my parents lived in Nebraska with my older sister. I was the black sheep of the family and had to go do my own thing beginning at a young age. There were several years when my parents did not even know where I was. I am now 40 and a successful paralegal, but I certainly took the long way to get here and put my parents through so much pain. Now that they are gone all I can think of is all the time I wasted when I was younger that could have been spent with them. I have been burying my grief for months, and had not even began to deal with my mom's unexpected death from cancer (which we did not even know she had) when dad died, also unexpectedly. Although he had been battling cancer for a few years, they had always told us the cancer would not kill him (at least for a long time. Both of my parents were basically incoherent when I got the two separate calls that I needed to go to Nebraska if I wanted to see them before they died. In both cases, I stayed in the hospital with each of them almost 24 hours a day. Mom died in 9 days, dad in 3. Neither one wanted any sort of service so there were none. When I said my goodbyes to mom, she did open her eyes so I do believe she knew I was there. Dad was coherent a couple of times so I hope he also heard my goodbyes. I was at dad's side when he took his last breath. I will never forget that sight and his dead face is in my dreams often. I am a totally type A personality, classic overachiever and used to being at my best. Now, I feel completely lost. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, my work is suffering, although no one other than me would probably notice. I stuff the tears back down when they come. I have always been the one that takes care of everything in my marriage. My husband is Air Force Bomb Squad and has been in Iraq two times and will probably go back in a couple of months. He has his own demons. For some reason I don't feel like I can share my grief with him as I have always been the one that takes care of everything so he does not have to worry about it while he is gone. I don't want him to see me this way, so I don't show it on the outside. But, it is all starting to become so unbearably overwhelming. I sleep even less than I did before (which was not much). The frustration from the lack of concentration is almost as bad as the lack of concentration. The tears start at the most inopportune moments, but I am very good at stopping them. My stomach hurts, my head hurts. Unlike most people, instead of not eating, I stuff myself. I miss my parents so much, and did not appreciate them enough while they were here. The guilt is almost unbearable. For being a normally very strong person, I feel so fragile and that is entirely foreign to me. I just feel like I have been hit by a truck. I know this is long and rambling and it's a good example of my state of mind. No cohesion, no direction, jumping all over the place. I have so many feelings, but cannot voice them. I feel as though I am a shell of the person I used to be, that who I am died with my parents. I miss them terribly. Does this ever stop? Will I ever be normal again? This is eating me alive. I just want them back, I want to be able to tell them how much I love them, that I am sorry I was such a rebellious, pain the ass when I was younger, to tell them thank you for adopting me and showing me a good life. But now its too late and I can never say those words, I cannot have that interaction and I feel horrible for not having said that when they were alive to hear me. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a crazy, disconnected daughter.